Why You're Not Married (Article Addressed to Women)

[Overlay]

Why You're Not Married

I don't dwell on this anymore (since my wife and I are coming up on our silver anniversary this fall), but the article at the link captures in one fell swoop why it took me until the age of 32 to get married, and why, when I did get married, it was not to an American woman. (I don't mean to overgeneralize. Maybe my "soul mate" was out there somewhere in the U. S., but I didn't know how long I'd have to keep looking to find her, and I didn't want to be going to grade-school open houses in my 60's.) As far as I'm concerned, Ms. McMillan knows whereof she speaks. I would imagine she's now at the top of the feminist left's Most Wanted list.

[JustRalph]

I know at least 3 of those type of women she mentions. interesting piece.

[Grits]

Originally Posted by Overlay

Why You're Not Married

I don't dwell on this anymore (since my wife and I are coming up on our silver anniversary this fall), but the article at the link captures in one fell swoop why it took me until the age of 32 to get married, and why, when I did get married, it was not to an American woman. (I don't mean to overgeneralize. Maybe my "soul mate" was out there somewhere in the U. S., but I didn't know how long I'd have to keep looking to find her, and I didn't want to be going to grade-school open houses in my 60's.) As far as I'm concerned, Ms. McMillan knows whereof she speaks. I would imagine she's now at the top of the feminist left's Most Wanted list.

You, men, can be funny.

This is ONE woman. ONE woman who has been involved, unfortunately, in three failed marriages. ONE woman, if truth be told, any man should've been leary of stepping within a (speaking of silver) 25 mile radius of. In her defense, though, this is also a woman whose father was in and out of prison and, subsequently, she grew up in foster care.

Do you believe, Overlay, your own daughter may be benefitting from a more stable environment? Foster care, I'm told, can be pretty tough for some kids.

This ONE woman is an extremely poor example to use as a generalization or to draw as a conclusion regarding ALL American women.

Personally, I've never met or been acquainted with a woman that has been married and divorced three times.

Since 2001, being no longer married, I don't feel it has anything to do with my being a bitch, being shallow, being a slut, being a liar, being selfish, or not being good enough.

Too, I'm not an author trying to sell books, nor am I asking anyone to follow me on Twitter.

Misery loves company.

[Robert Goren]

I have no idea on why a woman is married or single at any age. Or for that matter anything else about women. All I know is why as a 63 yo male I have never married. All the women I asked were smart enough to say no.

[Overlay]

Originally Posted by Grits

You, men, can be funny.

This is ONE woman. ONE woman who has been involved, unfortunately, in three failed marriages. ONE woman, if truth be told, any man should've been leary of stepping within a (speaking of silver) 25 mile radius of. In her defense, though, this is also a woman whose father was in and out of prison and, subsequently, she grew up in foster care.

Do you believe, Overlay, your own daughter may be benefitting from a more stable environment? Foster care, I'm told, can be pretty tough for some kids.

This ONE woman is an extremely poor example to use as a generalization or to draw as a conclusion regarding ALL American women.

Personally, I've never met or been acquainted with a woman that has been married and divorced three times.

Since 2001, being no longer married, I don't feel it has anything to do with my being a bitch, being shallow, being a slut, being a liar, being selfish, or not being good enough.

Too, I'm not an author trying to sell books, nor am I asking anyone to follow me on Twitter.

Misery loves company.

Yes, she's one woman. But what does her personal background have to do with the validity of her observations? From the perspective of my years as a single male trying to find a single woman to marry and raise a family with, she's spot on. Are the types of women she describes inclusive of all women? No. But they were the types of women that I (speaking as one man) seemed to keep finding when I was single. (However, given the consistent nature of my experiences, I would tend to think that I'm not alone or atypical.) Also, remember, she's talking about single women who want to be married (or who are at least open to the possibility of being married) but are not, and can't figure out why -- not single women who are definitely or not necessarily wanting to be married in the first place.

[Grits]

But what does her personal background have to do with the validity of her observations?

In a word, everything. And this is quite clear. Her background is the basis for her opinions. She's drawing on her own experiences. She feels this are, indeed, valid, otherwise, she wouldn't bother stating them.

This all works two ways, this problem of "dysfunction," if you will, its not limited to women. For every undesirable female, there's an undesirable male. Promise. You weren't looking for those, they never crossed your path.

Its a fine thing that after years of looking and waiting that you were able to find the woman that met your desires.

[Overlay]

Originally Posted by Grits

Its a fine thing that after years of looking and waiting that you were able to find the woman that met your desires.

My "desires" consisted of three elements:

1) fidelity (what's the point of marriage without it?)
2) children (not for every woman, but there must be some out there willing to consider the possibility, or else the species wouldn't survive. It's just that I couldn't find one.)
3) willingness to travel (the periodic relocation connected with my job, which admittedly can be a burden as far as the moving process itself, but which also has its upside in seeing places (worldwide) that you might never get to see otherwise, and from which I think my children (see item 2) above) have also benefited)

Tell me which of the above are unreasonable, or unacceptable just on their face. Would they appeal to every woman? No. But I would have settled for finding just one to whom they would.

[Grits]

(1) Several of the women you may have considered admitted they would only marry if they could sleep around when you weren't paying attention, or you were out of town, or they got bored? This would be odd when stating one's love and commitment, even for a male to admit, much less a female.

(2) Look no further than here to realize as recently as 30 years ago, the percentage of women deciding not to have children was relatively small. Those willing--surely were not scarce. Somehow you kept meeting that 20 to 22% that were saying, "nope, none for me." http://www.nytimes.com/2008/08/19/wo....15423720.html

You have generalized women unfairly--of course with exception to the one that married you. And your opinion, just as the author's is based solely on your own experiences. Not much difference there. There's too much hyperbole in your posts. This, along with seeing someone going back, editing posts 13 minutes after they've written their original? In fairness to you, I'd leave spelling errors, or question my own wording after writing before I'd go back an alter any post I replied to you with. Regardless, how much I may have wanted to change something.

The article is unseemly. Hope the author garners more book sales, but I sorta doubt it. The one I feel sorrow for--her teenage son who is, most likely, hearing this 24/7.

Originally Posted by Overlay

My "desires" consisted of three elements:

1) fidelity (what's the point of marriage without it?)
2) children (not for every woman, but there must be some out there willing to consider the possibility, or else the species wouldn't survive. It's just that I couldn't find one.)
3) willingness to travel (the periodic relocation connected with my job, which admittedly can be a burden as far as the moving process itself, but which also has its upside in seeing places (worldwide) that you might never get to see otherwise, and from which I think my children (see item 2) above) have also benefited)

Tell me which of the above are unreasonable, or unacceptable just on their face. Would they appeal to every woman? No. But I would have settled for finding just one to whom they would.

[nijinski]

Originally Posted by Grits

In a word, everything. And this is quite clear. Her background is the basis for her opinions. She's drawing on her own experiences. She feels this are, indeed, valid, otherwise, she wouldn't bother stating them.

This all works two ways, this problem of "dysfunction," if you will, its not limited to women. For every undesirable female, there's an undesirable male. Promise. You weren't looking for those, they never crossed your path.

Its a fine thing that after years of looking and waiting that you were able to find the woman that met your desires.

Grits , you nailed this topic!

[Overlay]

Originally Posted by Grits

(1) Several of the women you may have considered admitted they would only marry if they could sleep around when you weren't paying attention, or you were out of town, or they got bored? This would be odd when stating one's love and commitment, even for a male to admit, much less a female.

You've got the sequence of events backward. The reason they wouldn't get married is because they didn't know what the word "monogamous" meant. I was unattached, and didn't plan on being involved with more than one woman at a time. Why couldn't I find a woman in the same situation?

Originally Posted by Grits

(2) Look no further than here to realize as recently as 30 years ago, the percentage of women deciding not to have children was relatively small. Those willing--surely were not scarce. Somehow you kept meeting that 20 to 22% that were saying, "nope, none for me." http://www.nytimes.com/2008/08/19/wo....15423720.html

Maybe it was the professional/academic social circles that I was in, as well as the emergence of the women's movement in the 1960's and 1970's, that contributed to the higher-than-normal percentage of such women. The women with whom I had the closest relationships over the course of the sixteen years from the time I started dating until I got married have had a grand total of one child among them.

Originally Posted by Grits

This, along with seeing someone going back, editing posts 13 minutes after they've written their original? In fairness to you, I'd leave spelling errors, or question my own wording after writing before I'd go back an alter any post I replied to you with. Regardless, how much I may have wanted to change something.

I beg your pardon?? Since when is revising one's words for greater clarity, or because an additional thought or talking point occurred after posting (and, yes, even for (inadvertent) spelling errors), a sign of some kind of weakness or personal problem?

[rastajenk]

Originally Posted by JustRalph

I know at least 3 of those type of women she mentions. interesting piece.

I would like to have known more selfish lying sluts in my younger days.

[chickenhead]

it shouldn't be difficult for a woman to find a man...

1.) Don't be a total asshole (humans are all partial assholes).
2.) Smell good.
3.) Let us on balance be the greedy one.

I'm sure there are three simple rules for a man, too. Something like..

1.) Don't be a total asshole.
2.) Have a job
3.) Don't be too greedy.

[bigmack]

Have to agree with Grits on this one. A woman who has been married thrice is hardly and authority on sizing-up women who have never been married.

There are no shortage of fine women around who have never wed who possess none of the unflattering traits outlined in her piece. (Quad Neg)

[Dave Schwartz]

Beth and I have a female friend who slightly resembles this article. Only slightly.

The article was more than a bit harsh - Grits certainly has one thing very right - we all draw our opinions from our experiences. A major difference between healthy and unhealthy individuals often lies in their ability to determine how much of their negative experience was/is their responsibility to change or fix.

People who are close to Beth and I know "our story." We call it the "fairy tale." The short version is that we never dated; we just seriously communicated for 3 months and then got married. We belonged together - we had similar goals and belief structures about almost everything. What we did not have in common we thrashed out and came to acceptable conclusions.


I think the number one problem that middle-age and older people have a hard time getting over can best be summed up in a conversation I had with a good friend who was going through a divorce.

One day I said to him, "I have good news and bad news. The bad news is that you aren't a Corvette any more. You're more like a dependable, used station wagon. The good news is that there dependable, used station wagons are in demand."

The part he continued to struggle with is that he also needed a dependable, less-flashy vehicle.


Dave

[cj's dad]

Dg - will you marry me ??