We Are Horseplayers

[BMeadow]

Happy New Year to all. To start the year, here is a column I did several years ago for American Turf Monthly. Enjoy!


As the new year begins, let's remember one thing: We are horseplayers.

We are optimists---if our jockey falls off at the quarter, we actually think he might get back up and ride our horse to victory.
We are pessimists--as we nervously await the results of an inch-either-way photo, we know, deep down, that we are going to lose this photo.

We will drive two hours in the rain just to get to a simulcast center. And after a losing day, we will drive two more hours in the same rain to get home, where we will immediately open the Racing Form and spend two more hours working on the next day's card.

We will buck a 25% takeout to bet a superfecta at Charlestown or a pick 3 at Arlington Park, then complain that a hot dog costs $4.

We are brave--we will back our opinion with our own hard-earned cash, no matter that the evidence is that our opinion is not very good.
We are cowards--we like a 17-1 shot and play him in so many positions, with so many combinations, that when he does win, we make 20 cents.

We will endure all manner of shutouts--a busy signal on our phone service, the Internet going down just as we were about to hit the "send" button, getting stuck on line behind a newbie who is confused about the cost of a trifecta box. And every time we are shut out, the horse we were going to bet wins.

We will badmouth the talking bozos on racing television shows, telling everyone within earshot that we could do a better job. And then write down the bozos' pick 4 selections.

We are generous--we will lend $50 to a racetrack degenerate knowing full well that Chase, Bank of America, and Citibank want nothing to do with this guy, and there is absolutely no chance that he will ever pay us back.
We are stingy--we will not waste our money on admission to the clubhouse when the grandstand is $2 cheaper.

We want desperately to be on the inside. But when we meet someone who is on the inside, we're surprised to find they don't know any more than we do.

We will bet a horse because he is switching to a certain jockey. And when the horse loses, we will curse that same jockey.

We are patient--we will stand in a 15-minute line to make a $10 exacta bet.
We are hot-tempered--we will scream our lungs out at a television set.

We will have a story that will top everyone else's. The time our horse led by five with fifty yards to go but then ducked into the rail and ran into the infield. The race in which our 19-1 shot was on his way to an easy win when the jockey fell off. The day another horse bit our horse in deep stretch, causing him to slow down just enough to lose. No matter what bad-beat story a racing buddy has, we have a better one.

We know that we're far too intelligent to be tricked into buying one of those racing systems that promises automatic profits for no work, but hey, have you heard of this new one that sounds really, really good?

We're told that the Kentucky Derby is the most exciting two minutes in sports, but those two minutes are nothing compared with the two minutes it takes to run the sixth leg in a pick 6 where we're five-for-five.

We like horses enough that on a drive through farmland, we will stop our car and pet one. And when we have a bad day, we wish the whole damn breed goes extinct.

We will peruse the racing forums on the Internet, knowing that half the boasts of success are lies. But since we don't know which half, we read them anyway.

We are dreamers--we think we are going to make the one big score that will change our life.
We are realists--we know where the track's ATM machine is located.

We're not sure if we should quit if we're ahead for the day, or press up after a win to make some real money, or double our bet after a loss to get our money back. But we believe we're superior money managers.

We will ask a stranger who he likes in a race. If he agrees with our analysis, he's a genius. If he doesn't, he's just another racetrack idiot.

We will go seven-deep in a pick 3 only to have the 6-5 favorite win by a nose. Then we will go four-deep in the final leg, leaving out only the second choice that we don't care for, and guess who beats us?

We will mis-mark a ticket and not notice until the race begins. We meant to key the 3, but we accidentally keyed the 2 instead. Surprise--the 3 wins, the 2 loses, and the $2,000 we would have won now becomes a memory that will fade in, oh, forty years.

As the mathematically challenged racing commissioners raise takeouts even though business is plunging, we vow never to give some particular track our money again. Yet we do.

We whisper that the races are fixed. But we play anyway, because maybe the races are fixed for the horse we like.

We don't care if the racetrack is covered in filth and filled with lost souls who appear to have criminal backgrounds. We don't care if the food isn't fit for a feral cat. We don't care if the feature race is an $8,000 claimer. We don't care if the condescending track executives look down on us from the turf club, and look down on us in general. We still show up, with money.

We are losers, because few of us are ahead lifetime.
We are winners, because we play the horses.

We are horseplayers.

[McCarron]

Great stuff Barry - Happy New Year!

[davew]

I love your writing Barry.

Am currently re-reading (again) Money Secrets at the Racetrack

[PhantomOnTour]

I got a story for ya - my easy winner at 5-1 gets run down by a bum 48-1 bomb just now at Aqu

great writing Barry

[duncan04]

Great read!

[tanner12oz]

I wear the fact I'm a horseplayer like a badge of honor. I could tell Joe public tales of bad beats, photos and dq's that would make the average gambler head for the nearest bridge. Like all of us its days and days of horrible misery until that one sequence that sends us into celebration...this sport will grizzle you...toughen you and unless your a horseplayer you just won't get it

[mannyberrios]

I enjoyed that

[HUSKER55]

barry, if I could write like you do

















I would still be a horse player!

[thaskalos]

Originally Posted by HUSKER55

barry, if I could write like you do

















I would still be a horse player!

What does being a horse player have to do with writing?

[raybo]

Originally Posted by tanner12oz

I wear the fact I'm a horseplayer like a badge of honor. I could tell Joe public tales of bad beats, photos and dq's that would make the average gambler head for the nearest bridge. Like all of us its days and days of horrible misery until that one sequence that sends us into celebration...this sport will grizzle you...toughen you and unless your a horseplayer you just won't get it

Or a golfer!

[cutchemist42]

Loved it, thanks for posting this.

[Aner]

Didn't know you lived in my neighborhood and had been observing me so closely. It is a classic. You should re post it every New Year's Day. It could become the horse-players " Rudolf the Red Nosed Reindeer".

[LAP_520]

Oh yeah !

[FrankieFigs]

Thanks for that Barry. Brought a smile to my face on a gloomy day...

[ubercapper]

Barry Meadow - The Poet Laureate of the Racing Set!