A housewife takes a lover during the day while her husband is at work, but not aware that her 9 year old son was hiding in the wardrobe. Her husband came home unexpectedly, so she hid her lover in the same wardrobe. The boy now has company.

Boy: "Dark in here isn’t it?" Man: "Yes it is." Boy: "I have a cricket ball." Man: "That's nice." Boy: "Want to buy it?" Man: "No, thanks." Boy: "My dad's outside." Man: "OK, how much?" Boy: "£250."

In the next few weeks, it happens again that the boy and the woman's lover are in the wardrobe together.

Boy: "Dark in here." Man: "Yes, it is." Boy: "I have a cricket bat." Man: "That's nice." Boy: "Want to buy it?" Man: "No, thanks." Boy: "I'll tell." Man: "How much?" Boy: "£750." Man: "Fine."

A few days later, the father says to the boy, "Grab your bat and ball. Let's go outside and have a game of cricket!" The boy says, "I can't. I sold them." The father asks, "How much did you sell them for?" The son says, "£1,000."
The father says, "That's terrible to over-charge your friends like that. That is way more than those two things cost. I'm going to take you to church and make you confess." They go to church and the father alerts the priest and makes the little boy sit in the confession booth and closes the door.
The boy says, "Dark in here." The priest says ..........

"Don't start THAT again."

Ever since I was a child I've always had a fear of someone under my bed at night. So I went to a shrink and told him:
“I've got problems. Every time I go to bed I think there's somebody under it. I'm scared. I think I'm going crazy.”
“Just put yourself in my hands for a year, said the shrink.
"Come talk to me three times a week and we should be able to get rid of those fears."
“How much do you charge? “Eighty pounds per visit,” replied the psychiatrist.“I'll sleep on it,” I said.
Six months later the shrink met me on the street.
“Why didn't you come to see me about those fears you were having?”he asked.
“Well, eighty pounds a visit, three times a week for a year, is £12,480: a bartender cured me for £10, I was so happy to have saved all that money that I went and bought me a new car"
“Is that so?” and with a bit of an attitude he said, "and how, may I ask, did a bartender cure you?”

“He told me to cut the legs off the bed. Ain't nobody under there now"

That's a GOOD one...sts

how about this one

I heard one similar....

A man comes home and says to his wife,:I just won the PowerBall! PAck your bags."

"Great! Where are we going?"

"We????"

What some mothers said to their kids .... .... ...

Michelangelo's Mother: Can't you paint on walls like other children? Do you have any idea how hard it is to get that stuff off the ceiling?

Mona Lisa's Mother: After all that money your father and I spent on braces, that's the biggest smile you can give us?

Mary's Mother: I'm not upset that your lamb followed you to school, but I would like to know how he got a better grade than you.

Columbus's Mother: I don't care what you've discovered, you still could have written.

Napoleon's Mother: All right, if you aren't hiding your report card inside your jacket, take your hand out of there and show me.

Thomas Edison's Mother: Of course I'm proud that you invented the electric light bulb. Now turn it off and get to bed.

Abraham Lincoln's Mother: Again with the stovepipe hat? Can't you just wear a baseball cap like the other kids?

Albert Einstein's Mother: But it's your school picture. Can't you do something about your hair? Styling gel, mousse, something...?

A man who was unemployed for several months gets a job with Public Works painting lines down the centre of rural roads.
The supervisor issues him with a bucket of paint and a brush then tells him he is on probation and that he must stay at or above the set average of 2 miles per day to remain employed.
The man agrees to the conditions and starts the next day.
The supervisor checks and finds the man completed 4 miles. "Great," he thought, "this man will work out."
The next day he finds the man only did 2 miles but the supervisor thought, "well he is still at the average and I don't want him to get discouraged."
The third day however the man only did one mile and the Boss thought, "I need to talk to him."
The boss pulls the new employee in and says, "You were doing great. The first day you did four miles and the second day two miles, but yesterday you only did one mile. Why? Is there a problem? An injury, equipment failure, anything keeping you from meeting the two mile minimum?"

The man replied, "Yes sir, I keep getting farther and farther from the bucket."

Sounds like SOME of my employees....really...:pound::lol:

God calls the Pope one day...

The Pope was working at his desk when the phone rings."Hello, this is the Pope."

He immediately recognized the voice at the other end of the line. "My son, this is Jesus Christ. I have called you to give you some good news and some bad news. The good news is that I have returned to the Earth to lead the faithful to Heaven."

The Pope was ecstatic! He said, "My Lord,what could possibly be bad news on this wonderful day?"

Jesus replied, "I'm calling from Salt Lake City."

JS Bach fathered 18 children. The theory by most historians to account for this is that he obviously pulled out all the stops on his organ. Now you can imagine with all the children running around the house what a distraction that was for the maesteo. He's got cantatas and concertos to write. How's a fellow going to get any work done in that environment? Well, the solution turned out to be simple: he rented an apartment across town so he would have peace and quiet for composing. This went on well for a couple of days, but Johann noticed that he would get hungry around noon. So he went to Anna Magdalena and said, "Anna, just one more thing girl....could you pack some munster, liverwurst and pumpernickel in a bag for me and I'll have that for my snack at noon?" And so she did. And that ladies and gentlemen is how Bach's lunches got started.

18 children? Should have pulled the whole organ out!

SUBJECT: TECHNICAL SUPPORT

Dear Technical Support,

18 months ago, I upgraded to Girlfriend 1.0 from DrinkingMates 4.2, which I had used for years without any trouble. However, there are apparently conflicts between these two products and the only solution was to try and run Girlfriend 1.0 with the sound turned off.
To make matters worse, Girlfriend 1.0 is incompatible with several other applications, such as LadsNightOut 3.1, Football 4.5, and Playboy 6.9. Successive versions of GirlFriend proved no better.

I tried a shareware program, Slapper 2.1, but it had many bugs and left a virus in my system, forcing me to shut down completely for several weeks. Eventually, I tried to run GirlFriend 1.2 and Girlfriend 1.0 at the same time, only to discover that when these two systems detected each other they caused severe damage to my hardware.

I eventually upgraded to Fiancée 1.0, only to discover that this product soon had to be upgraded further to Wife 1.0. While Wife 1.0 tends to use up all my available resources, it does come bundled with FreeSexPlus and Cleanhouse2005.

Shortly after this upgrade, however, I found that Wife 1.0 could be very unstable and costly to run. Any mistakes I made were automatically stored in Wife 1.0's memory and could not be deleted. They then resurfaced months later when I had forgotten about them. Wife 1.0 also has an automatic Diary, Explorer and E-mail filter, and can, without warning, launch TurboStrop and Multi-Whinge. These latter products have no Help files, and I have to try to guess what the problem is. Additional problems are that Wife 1.0 needs updating regularly, requiring ShoeShop Browser for new attachments and Hairstyle Express which needs to be reinstalled every other week. Also, when Wife 1.0 attaches itself to my Saab93 Convertible hard drive, it often crashes. Wife 1.0 also comes with an irritating pop-up called MotherInLaw, which can't be turned off.

Recently I've been tempted to install Mistress 2005, but I've been told there could be problems. A friend of mine has alerted me to the fact that if Wife 1.0 detects Mistress 2005, it tends to delete all of your Money before uninstalling itself.

Any advice would be helpful.
Many thanks.

Broccoli, "I look like a small tree."

Mushroom, "I look like an umbrella."

Walnut, "I look like a brain."

Banana, "Can we please change the topic?"
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Two Eskimos were in a canoe, when one said " I'm freezing cold, what can we do"?
His friend said "I know we'll build a fire"
So he builds a fire in the middle of the canoe, and it sinks, and they both drowned.
The moral of this story is, You can't have your kayak and heat it too.
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Yo mama so fat, when she walked past the TV, I missed 3 episodes.

Joe and Mick worked together then both were laid off, so they went to the unemployment Office.

When asked his occupation, Joe answered, “Panty Stitcher. I sew the elastic onto ladies cotton panties and Thongs.”

The clerk looked up panty stitcher on his computer ... And finding it classified as unskilled labor, he gave him $80 a week unemployment pay.

Mick was next and when asked his occupation replied, “Diesel fitter.”

Since diesel fitter was a skilled job, the clerk gave Mick $160 a week.

When Joe found out he was furious. He stormed back into the office to find out why his friend and co-worker was collecting double his pay.

The clerk explained, “Panty Stitchers are unskilled and Diesel Fitters are skilled labor.”

“What skill?” yelled Joe. “I sew the elastic on the panties and the thongs. Mick puts them over his head and says: “Yep, diesel fitter!”

An electrical engineer, a chemical engineer, computer engineer, a mechanical engineer and a civil engineer are riding in a car and discuss their view of god. The electrical engineer starts. "Look at the human body, all controlled by electrical signals. God is an electrical engineer" The chemical engineer argues with him, "no, god is a chemical engineer. Each cell in the body is a chemical factory that effortlessly synthesizes extremely complex molecules." The computer engineer objects, "God is the greatest computer engineer that ever existed, the computational power of the brain dwarfs the combined computational power off all computers that have ever been manufactured." The mechanical engineer scoffs, "clearly you have no understanding of mechanical engineering. The muscular/skeletal structure of the human body is the most sophisticated machine ever created." Finally the civil engineer shakes his head and speaks. "Well, if god is a civil engineer, then he is incompetent. He put the waste disposal unit right in the middle of the entertainment center!"