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Old 02-07-2012, 11:49 PM   #1
HUSKER55
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HUMOR

The Woman Marine Pilot
The teacher gave her fifth grade class an assignment: Get their parents to tell them a story with a moral at the end of it. The next day, the kids came back and, one by one, began to tell their stories. There were all the regular types of stuff: spilled milk and pennies saved. But then the teacher realized, much to her dismay, that onlyJanie was left.
"Janie, do you have a story to share?”

''Yes ma'am. My daddy told me a story about my Mommy. She was a Marine pilot in Afghanistan, and her plane got hit. She had to bail out over enemy territory, and all she had was a flask of whiskey, a pistol, and a survival knife”.

She drank the whiskey on the way down so the bottle wouldn't break, and then her parachute landed her right in the middle of 20 Taliban fighters.She shot 15 of them until she ran out of bullets, killed 4 more with the knife, till the blade broke, and then she killed the last guy with her bare hands.

''Good Heavens,' said the horrified teacher.

“What did your Daddy tell you was the moral to this horribles tory?

"Don't mess with Mommy when she's been drinking."
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Have you ever noticed that those who do not have a pot to piss in nor a window to throw it out of always seem to know how to handle the money of those who do.

Last edited by HUSKER55; 02-07-2012 at 11:51 PM.
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Old 02-08-2012, 12:08 AM   #2
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LOL - Okay, never heard that one before.
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Old 02-08-2012, 09:34 AM   #3
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Good morning, gentlemen. Here's another. Its about as racey as I can get. Makes me laugh, though. Yours was a fine one, Husker.

WIFE: "What would you do if I died? Would you get married again?"
HUSBAND: "Definitely not!"
WIFE: "Why not - don't you like being married?"
HUSBAND: "Of course I do."
WIFE: "Then why wouldn't you remarry?"
HUSBAND: "Okay, I'd get married again."
WIFE: "You would? (with a hurtful look on her face)."
HUSBAND: (audible groan).
WIFE: "Would you sleep with her in our bed?"
HUSBAND: "Where else would we sleep?"
WIFE: "Would you replace my pictures with hers?"
HUSBAND: "That would seem like the proper thing to do."
WIFE: "Would you play golf with her?"
HUSBAND: "I guess so."
WIFE: "Would she use my golf clubs?"
HUSBAND: "No, she's left-handed."
WIFE: - - - silence - - -
HUSBAND: "Shit."
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Old 02-08-2012, 09:48 AM   #4
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I was down at the gentlemans club the other day and while we were louging in the hot tub one of the girls tolds us this one.

there was a female dentist who had a male patient who needed a tooth pulled.

She pulled out a needle and the patient claimed he hated needles.

"Not to worry", she said, "we'll use gas".

"I don't trust gas" replied the patient.

"how about pills"? asked the doctor.

"not a big fan of those either", was his reply.

"well here, try some viagra" said the dentist.

patient responded, "I didn't know viagra was a pain killer"!

dentist replied, "It's not but you will need something to hang onto when I pull that tooth"!
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Have you ever noticed that those who do not have a pot to piss in nor a window to throw it out of always seem to know how to handle the money of those who do.
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Old 02-08-2012, 10:53 AM   #5
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LOLOLOLLLLLLLLLLLLLLLLL

My face is red as a beet!! You are bad, Husker, bad, bad, bad.
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Old 02-11-2012, 06:32 PM   #6
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The Love Dress

A woman stopped by, unannounced, at her son's house. She knocked on the door then immediately walked in. She was shocked to see her daughter-in-law lying on the couch, totally naked. Soft music was playing, and the aroma of perfume filled the room.

"What are you doing?!" she asked.
"I'm waiting for Mike to come home from work," the daughter-in- law answered.

"But you're naked!" the mother-in-law exclaimed.
"This is my love dress," the daughter-in-law explained.
"Love dress? But you're naked!"
"Mike loves me and wants me to wear this dress," she explained." It excites him to no end. Every time he sees me in this dress, he instantly becomes romantic and ravages me for hours on end. He can't get enough of me"

The mother-in-law left.

When she got home, she undressed, showered, put on her best perfume, dimmed the lights, put on a romantic CD, and lay on the couch, waiting for her husband to arrive.

Finally, her husband came home. He walked in and saw her lying there so
provocatively.

"What are you doing?" he asked.
"This is my love dress," she whispered sensually.
"Needs ironing," he said. "What's for dinner?

He never heard the gunshot.
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Old 02-11-2012, 07:19 PM   #7
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Best I can do on short notice.!

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Old 02-11-2012, 07:23 PM   #8
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Quote:
Originally Posted by Tom
He never heard the gunshot.
Reminds me of the second verse and chorus from the song "Woman with a Gun" by the country comedy duo of Pinkard and Bowden. (Sorry, but I can't find a video or audio.)

Now Jimbo drove a pickup truck, rifle rack behind the seat,
And he parked his Ford out behind the bar, and he stepped inside to cheat.
Well, he never saw his wife come in; he was blind from Cupid's dart.
And he never heard the 12-gauge that stopped his cheatin' heart.

Oh, I've seen it all a thousand times. It always ends the same.
There's got to be a loser in every cheatin' game.
Some men think it's funny chasin' skirts and havin' fun,
But there ain't nothin' funny about a woman with a gun.

Last edited by Overlay; 02-11-2012 at 07:30 PM.
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Old 02-11-2012, 09:15 PM   #9
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Fast, I like your post--its really neat. Its cute as can be.
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Old 02-11-2012, 10:04 PM   #10
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How did you know I was shaking my tail for ya!
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Old 02-11-2012, 10:19 PM   #11
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Quote:
Originally Posted by Tom
He never heard the gunshot.
This was worth the wait...
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Old 02-11-2012, 10:33 PM   #12
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The importance of good grammar...

On his 74th birthday, a man got a gift certificate from his wife.

The certificate paid for a visit to a medicine man living on a nearby
reservation who was rumored to have a wonderful cure for erectile
dysfunction.

After being persuaded, he drove to the reservation, handed his ticket
to the medicine man and wondered what he was in for.

The old man handed a potion to him, and with a grip on his shoulder, warned,
"This is a powerful medicine. You take only a teaspoonful and then say
'1-2-3.' "

When you do, you will become more manly than you have ever been in your life
and you can perform as long as you want."


The man was encouraged. As he walked away, he turned and asked, "How do I
stop the medicine from working?"


"Your partner must say '1-2-3-4,'" he responded,
"but when she does, the medicine will not work again until the next full
moon."

He was very eager to see if it worked so he went home, showered, shaved,
took a spoonful of the medicine and then invited his wife to join him in the
bedroom. When she came in, he took off his clothes and said, "1-2-3!" Immediately, he
was the manliest of men.

His wife was excited and began throwing off her clothes and then she asked
"What was the 1-2-3 for?"

And that, boys and girls, is why we should never end our sentences with a
preposition, because we could end up with a dangling participle.
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Old 02-11-2012, 10:36 PM   #13
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What is Celibacy?

What is Celibacy

Celibacy can be a choice in life, or a condition imposed by circumstances.




While attending a Marriage Weekend, my wife and I, listened to

the instructor declare, 'It is essential that husbands and wives know the

things that are important to each other."




He then addressed the men,'Can you name and describe your wife's

favourite flower?'




I leaned over, touched my wife's hand gently, and whispered,




'Robin Hood-All-Purpose, isn't it?'




And thus began my life of celibacy.........









Last edited by Rookies; 02-11-2012 at 10:37 PM.
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Old 02-11-2012, 11:25 PM   #14
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LOLOLOL
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Old 02-12-2012, 04:26 AM   #15
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Quote:
Originally Posted by Rookies
And that, boys and girls, is why we should never end our sentences with a preposition, because we could end up with a dangling participle.
[/i]
The highly-educated but infamous Richard Loeb (of Leopold and Loeb) received life in prison for his crime, but was stabbed to death a few years later by another inmate while the two were in one of the prison showers. (I'll leave further picturing of the exact circumstances to the imagination, but one reporter led off his story on Loeb's death by noting, "Despite his erudition, Richard Loeb today ended his sentence with a proposition.")
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