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Old 08-16-2013, 11:55 PM   #46
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A young ventriloquist is touring the clubs and one night he's doing a show in a small club in a small town in Arkansas.

With his dummy on his knee, he's going through his usual dumb blonde jokes when a blonde woman in the fourth row stands on her chair and starts shouting: ''I've heard enough of your stupid blonde jokes. What makes you think you can stereotype women that way? What does the color of a person's hair have to do with her worth as a human being? It's guys like you who keep women like me from being respected at work and in the community and from reaching our full potential as a person, because you and your kind continue to perpetuate discrimination against, not only blondes, but women in general...and all in the name of humor!''


The ventriloquist is embarrassed and begins to apologize, when the blonde yells, ''You stay out of this, mister! I'm talking to that little jerk on your knee!''
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Old 08-17-2013, 01:44 AM   #47
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A guy walks into a bar and passes out....




















Dumb Ass should of been paying attention to his surroundings, instead of playing with his smartphone.
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Old 08-17-2013, 04:22 AM   #48
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Manager of a baseball team signs a horse. The owner is quite put out.

"But this horse is a great baseball player," says the manager. "Let me show you."

He puts the horse in the outfield and he catches every ball. He puts the horse at first base and he's great. He puts the horse on the pitcher's mound and every batter strikes out. The owner is impressed but...

"How is he at bat?"

"Great!"

So they put the horse at bat and he hits the ball out of the park.

"Run!" yells the manager. The horse turns to him and says,

"If I could run I'd be at Saratoga."
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Old 08-17-2013, 09:23 AM   #49
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A horse walks into a bar.
The bartender says "Why the long face?"
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Old 08-17-2013, 09:24 AM   #50
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Quote:
Originally Posted by Actor
Manager of a baseball team signs a horse. The owner is quite put out.

"But this horse is a great baseball player," says the manager. "Let me show you."

He puts the horse in the outfield and he catches every ball. He puts the horse at first base and he's great. He puts the horse on the pitcher's mound and every batter strikes out. The owner is impressed but...

"How is he at bat?"

"Great!"

So they put the horse at bat and he hits the ball out of the park.

"Run!" yells the manager. The horse turns to him and says,

"If I could run I'd be at Saratoga."
Good one!
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Old 08-17-2013, 09:28 AM   #51
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Two Men were out fishing when one decides to have a smoke
He asks the other guy if he has a lighter.
He replies "Yes I do!" and hands the other a 10 inch long BIC lighter.
Surprised the guy asks "Cool, where did you get this?"
The guy replies "Oh I have a personal genie."
The first man asks "Can I make a wish? "
Sure says the other man "Just make sure that you speak clearly cause he is a little hard at hearing".
"Ok I will" says the other as he rubs the lamp a genie appears and asks the man what he wants.
The man says " I want a Million Bucks "
The genie says OK and goes back to his bottle and 10 seconds later a million ducks fly over head.
And the guy says to the other "Your genie really sucks at hearing doesnt he?"
The other man replies "I know, do you really think I asked for a 10 inch BIC".
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Old 08-17-2013, 09:37 AM   #52
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A husband comes home to find his wife with her suitcases packed in the living room.
"Where the hell do you think you're going?" he says.
"I'm going to Las Vegas. You can earn $300 for a blow job there, and I figured that I might as well earn money for what I do to you free."

The husband thinks for a moment, goes upstairs, and comes back down, with his suitcase packed as well.
"Where do you think you're going?" the wife asks.
"I'm coming with you...I want to see how you survive on $600 a year!!"
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Old 08-17-2013, 09:38 AM   #53
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A police officer was patrolling the highway when he sees a guy tied up to a tree, crying. The officer stops and approaches the guy.
"What's going on here?", he asks.
The guy sobs, "I was driving and picked up a hitchhiker. He pulled a gun on me, robbed me, took all my money, my clothes, my car and then tied me up."

The cop studied the guy for a moment, and then pulled down his pants and whipped out his dick. "I guess this isn't your lucky day, pal!"
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Old 08-17-2013, 02:23 PM   #54
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WARNING

Do not wash your hair in the shower! It's so good to finally get a health

warning that is useful. It involves the shampoo when it runs down your

body while you shower with it.



Shampoo Warning!



I don't know WHY I didn't figure this out sooner! I use shampoo in the shower! When I wash my hair, the shampoo runs down my whole body, and printed very clearly on the shampoo label is this claim: "FOR EXTRA BODY AND VOLUME."



No wonder I have been gaining weight! Well! I have gotten rid of that shampoo and I am going to start showering with Dawn dish soap instead. Its label reads: "DISSOLVES FAT THAT IS OTHERWISE DIFFICULT TO REMOVE." Problem solved!



If I don't answer the phone I'll be in the shower.
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Old 08-17-2013, 02:33 PM   #55
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Upgrade for Seniors Bar

New upgrade to seniors bar

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Old 08-17-2013, 02:44 PM   #56
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Steven Wright asks...

Why do they lock gas station bathrooms? Are they afraid someone will clean them?

How do they get deer to cross at that yellow road sign?

Why did kamikaze pilots wear helmets?

Is there another word for synonym?
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Old 08-17-2013, 03:33 PM   #57
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Quote:
How do they get deer to cross at that yellow road sign?
And why do they always cross from the right?
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Old 08-17-2013, 03:34 PM   #58
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A guy walks into a bar.
That had to hurt.
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Old 08-17-2013, 11:06 PM   #59
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A girl asks her boyfriend to come over Friday night and have dinner with her parents. Since this is such a big event, the girl tells him that after dinner, she would like to have sex with him for the first time.

The boy is ecstatic, but he has never had sex before, so he takes a trip to the pharmacy to get some condoms. The pharmacist helps the boy for about half an hour. He tells the boy everything there is to know about condoms and sex. At the register, the pharmacist asks the boy how many condoms he''d like to buy a 3-pack, 10-pack or family pack. The boy insists on the family pack because he thinks he will be rather busy, it being his first time and all.

That night, the boy shows up at the girls parents house and meets his girlfriend at the door. "Oh, I''m so excited for you to meet my parents! Come on in!"

The boy goes inside and is taken to the dinner table where the girl''s parents are seated. The boy quickly offers to say grace and bows his head. A minute passes, and the boy is still deep in prayer, with his head down 10 minutes pass, and still no movement from the boy. Finally, after 20 minutes with his head down, the girlfriend leans over and whispers to the boyfriend, "I had no idea you were this religious."

The boy turns, and whispers back, "I had no idea your father was a pharmacist!"
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Old 08-18-2013, 01:04 AM   #60
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Got a another one!

A lady was walking past a pet store when a parrot said, ''Hey, lady! You're really ugly!" The lady was furious and continued on her way.

On the way home, she passed by the petstore again and the parrot once more said "Hey, lady! You're really ugly!" She was incredibly ticked now, so she went into the store and said that she would sue the store and kill the bird. The store manager apologized profusely and promised he would make sure the parrot didn't say it again.

The next day, she deliberately passed by the store to test the parrot. "Hey, lady!" it said.

"Yes?"

"You know."
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Which book(s) would you recommend to a Newbie" Up to 3
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