HUMOR

[ldiatone]

A policeman stops a driver and says Congratulations you've won $500.00 for wearing a safety belt. What will you do with your winnings?

I don't know, probably pass the exam for a driving license the driver replied

Then his wife said Don't take any notice, he always talks like that when he's drunk.

Then the backseat passenger wakes up and says I told you that we wouldn't get far in a stolen car! Then a voice came from the trunk, have we crossed the border already?

[ldiatone]

A man was telling his neighbour, 'I just bought a new hearing aid. It cost me four thousand dollars, but it's state of the art. It's perfect.'
'Really,' answered the neighbour. 'What kind is it?'
'Twelve thirty.'

------------------------------------------------------------
Morris, an 82 year-old man, went to the doctor to get a physical.
A few days later, the doctor saw Morris walking down the street with a gorgeous young woman on his arm.
A couple of days later, the doctor spoke to Morris and said, 'You're really doing great, aren't you?'
Morris replied, 'Just doing what you said, Doc: 'Get a hot mamma and be cheerful.''
The doctor said, 'I didn't say that.. I said, 'You've got a heart murmur; be careful.'
------------------------------------------

A little old man shuffled slowly into an ice cream parlour and pulled himself slowly, painfully, up onto a stool...
After catching his breath, he ordered a banana split.
The waitress asked kindly, 'Crushed nuts?'
'No,' he replied, 'Arthritis.'

----------------------------------------------------
Father: “Son, you were adopted.”

Son: “What?! I knew it! I want to meet my biological parents!”

Father: “We are your biological parents. Now pack up, the new ones will pick you up in 20 minutes.”

----------------------------------------------------------------
A blind man walks into a store with his seeing eye dog. All of a sudden, he picks up the leash and begins swinging the dog over his head. The manager runs up to the man and asks,

"What are you doing?!!" The blind man replies,

"Just looking around."

[fast4522]

Don't click on image if a prude.

[Clocker]

Irishman's First Drink With His Son

While reading an article last night about fathers and sons, memories came flooding back to the time I took me son out for his first pint. Off we went to our local pub only two blocks from the cottage. I got him a Guinness. He didn't like it, so I drank it.

Then I got him a Kilkenny's, he didn't like that either, so I drank it.

Finally, I thought he might like some Harp Lager? He didn't. I drank it.

I thought maybe he'd like whiskey better than beer so I tried a Tullamore Dew. Nope!

In desperation, I had him try that rare Redbreast, Ireland's finest. He wouldn't even smell it.

What could I do but drink it?

By the time I realized he just didn't like to drink, I was so freakin' shit-faced I could hardly push his stroller back home!

[barahona44]

Originally Posted by Clocker

Irishman's First Drink With His Son

While reading an article last night about fathers and sons, memories came flooding back to the time I took me son out for his first pint. Off we went to our local pub only two blocks from the cottage. I got him a Guinness. He didn't like it, so I drank it.

Then I got him a Kilkenny's, he didn't like that either, so I drank it.

Finally, I thought he might like some Harp Lager? He didn't. I drank it.

I thought maybe he'd like whiskey better than beer so I tried a Tullamore Dew. Nope!

In desperation, I had him try that rare Redbreast, Ireland's finest. He wouldn't even smell it.

What could I do but drink it?

By the time I realized he just didn't like to drink, I was so freakin' shit-faced I could hardly push his stroller back home!

Reminds me of a joke Mr. O'Leary, my first principal when I was teaching ,used to tell.

What do you call a dozen four year olds in a Dublin pub?

The Irish Head Start program.

[Dave Schwartz]

Originally Posted by Clocker

Irishman's First Drink With His Son

While reading an article last night about fathers and sons, memories came flooding back to the time I took me son out for his first pint. Off we went to our local pub only two blocks from the cottage. I got him a Guinness. He didn't like it, so I drank it.

Then I got him a Kilkenny's, he didn't like that either, so I drank it.

Finally, I thought he might like some Harp Lager? He didn't. I drank it.

I thought maybe he'd like whiskey better than beer so I tried a Tullamore Dew. Nope!

In desperation, I had him try that rare Redbreast, Ireland's finest. He wouldn't even smell it.

What could I do but drink it?

By the time I realized he just didn't like to drink, I was so freakin' shit-faced I could hardly push his stroller back home!

Sure, you make light of this.

As a teenager in Belfast, we'd generally stop in a pub for a shot on the way home from school. (Or at least a beer.) I think drinking age was like 15.

[ldiatone]

ok funny

[ldiatone]

A rabbi was told that three of his disciples were seen playing cards and smoking on Sabbath.
So he summoned them and asked the first disciple: 'Is it true that you were playing cards and smoking on Sabbath?'
The first disciple said: 'Yes rabbi, I'm very sorry; I forgot it was Sabbath'.
The rabbi put his hand over his heart and said: 'That's possible, I forgive you'.
Now he asked the second disciple: 'Is it true that you were playing cards and smoking on Sabbath?'
The second disciple said: 'Yes rabbi, I'm very sorry; I forgot that it is not allowed to play cards and smoke on Sabbath.'
The rabbi put his hand over his heart and said: 'That's possible, I forgive you'.
Now he asked the third disciple: 'And...You have also forgotten something?'
- 'Yes, I forgot to draw the curtains'.

[Tom]

What's Irish and stay out all night?

Paddy O'Funiture
* * * *
Just had a 7 course Irish dinner.
A boiled potato and a 6-pack.

* * * *

Two men were sitting next to each other at Murphy's Pub in London. After awhile, one bloke looks at the other and says, I cant help but think, from listening to you, that you're from Ireland.

The other bloke responds proudly, Yes, that I am!

The first one says, So am I! And where about from Ireland might you be?

The other bloke answers, Im from Dublin, I am.

The first one responds, So am I!

Mother Mary and begora. And what street did you live on in Dublin ?

The other bloke says, A lovely little area it was. I lived on McCleary Street in the old central part of town.

The first one says, Faith and its a small world. So did I! So did I! And to what school would you have been going?

The other bloke answers, Well now, I went to St. Mary's, of course.

The first one gets really excited and says, And so did I. Tell me, what year did you graduate?

The other bloke answers, Well, now, let's see. I graduated in 1964.

The first one exclaims, The Good Lord must be smiling down upon us! I can hardly believe our good luck at winding up in the same place tonight. Can you believe it, I graduated from St. Mary's in 1964 my own self!

About this time, Vicky walks up to the bar, sits down and orders a drink.

Brian, the barman, walks over to Vicky, shaking his head and mutters, Its going to be a long night tonight.

Vicky asks, Why do you say that, Brian?

The Murphy twins are drunk again.

[Tom]

What's the difference between God and Bono?
God doesn't wander around Dublin thinking he's Bono.
--
Billy stops Paddy in Dublin and asks for the quickest way to Cork.
Paddy says, "Are you on foot or in the car?"
Billy says, "In the car."
Paddy says, "That's the quickest way."
--
Paddy and Mick are walking down the road and Paddy's got a bag of doughnuts in his hand.
Paddy says to Mick, "If you can guess how many doughnuts are in my bag, you can have them both"

[reckless]

Just some examples on how fights get started:

1 -- A woman was standing nude, looking in the bedroom mirror. She was not happy with what she saw and said to her husband, "I feel horrible; I look old, fat and ugly. I really need you to pay me a compliment.'

The husband replied, 'Your eyesight's damn near perfect.'

And then the fight started ...

2 -- My wife and I were watching "Who Wants To Be A Millionaire" while we were in bed. I turned to her and said, "Do you want to have sex?"

"No," she answered. I then said, "Is that your final answer?"

She didn't even look at me this time, simply saying, "Yes."

So I said, "Then I'd like to phone a friend."

And then the fight started ...

3 -- After retiring, I went to the Social Security office to apply for Social Security. The woman behind the counter asked me for my driver's License to verify my age. I looked in my pockets and realized I had left my wallet at home. I told the woman that I was very sorry but I would have to go home and come back later.

The woman said, 'No, stay right here. Unbutton your shirt'. So I opened my shirt revealing my curly silver hair. She said, 'That silver hair on your chest is proof enough for me' and she processed my Social Security application in no time.

When I got home, I happily told my wife about my experience at the Social Security office.

She said, 'You should have dropped your pants. You might have gotten disability, too..'

And then the fight started ...

[RunForTheRoses]

IRS decides to audit Ralph, and summons him to the IRS office.
The IRS auditor is not surprised when Ralph shows up with
his attorney. The auditor says, "Well, sir, you have an
extravagant lifestyle and no full-time employment, which
you explain by saying that you win moneygambling. I'm not
sure the IRS finds that believable."

"I'm a great gambler, and I can prove it," says Ralph. "How
about a demonstration?"

The auditor thinks for a moment and said, "Okay. Go ahead."

Ralph says, "I'll bet you a thousand dollars that I can
bite my own eye."

The auditor thinks a moment and says, "It's a bet."

Ralph removes his glass eye and bites it.

The auditor's jaw drops.

Ralph says, "Now, I'll bet you two thousand dollars that I
can bite my other eye."

Now the auditor can tell Ralph isn't blind, so he takes
the bet. Ralph removes his dentures and bites his good
eye. The stunned auditor now realizes he has wagered and
lost three grand, with Ralph's attorney as a witness. He
starts to get nervous.

"Want to go double or nothing?" Ralph asks "I'll bet you
six thousand dollars that I can stand on one side of your
desk, and pee into that wastebasket on the other side, and
never get a drop anywhere in between."

The auditor, twice burned, is cautious now, but he looks
carefully and decides there's no way this guy could possibly
manage that stunt, so he agrees again.

Ralph stands beside the desk and unzips his pants, but
although he strains mightily, he can't make the stream
reach the wastebasket on the other side, so he pretty much
urinates all over the auditor's desk.

The auditor leaps with joy, realizing that he has just
turned a major loss into a huge win. But Ralph's attorney
moans and puts his head in his hands.

"Are you okay?" t he auditor asks.

"Not really," says the attorney. "This morning, when Ralph
told me he'd been summoned for an audit, he bet me twenty-five
thousand dollars that he could come in here and piss all over
your desk and that you'd be happy about it."

[RunForTheRoses]

A blonde goes into a laundromat and asks to have her sweater
cleaned.

The Laundromat attendant doesn't hear her correctly and says,
"Come again?"

The blonde blushes slightly and giggles, "oh, no it's just
mustard this time."

[RunForTheRoses]

A man went into the proctologist's office for his first exam

The doctor told him to have a seat in the examination room and that he would be with him in just a few minutes.

When the man sat down and began observing the tools, he noticed there were items on a stand next to the doctor's desk.

1. A tube of K-Y jelly
2. A rubber glove
3. A beer

When the doctor finally came in, the man said "Look Doc I'm a little confused.

This is my first exam I know what the K-Y is for, and I know what the glove is for, but can you tell me what the BEER is for?"

At that the doctor became noticeably outraged and stormed over to the door.

The doc flung the door open and yelled to his nurse........

"Dammit, Helen! I said A BUTT LIGHT"

[PaceAdvantage]

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