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Old 09-19-2018, 01:55 PM   #1351
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The 60th High School Reunion

He was a widower and she a widow. They had known each other for a number of years, having been high school classmates and having attended class reunions in the past, without fail.

This 60th anniversary of their class, the widower and the widow made a foursome with two other singles. They had a wonderful evening, their spirits high, with the widower throwing admiring glances across the table . . . and the widow smiling coyly back at him. Finally during one dance, he picked up courage to ask her, "Will you marry me? After about 6 seconds of careful consideration, she answered, "Yes.... yes I will!"

Needless to say, the evening ended on a happy note for the widower. However, the next morning he was troubled. Did she say Yes or did she say No? He couldn't remember. Try as he would, he just could not recall. He went over-and-over the conversation of the previous evening, but his mind was blank. He remembered asking the question, but for the life of him could not recall her response.

With fear and trepidation, he picked up the phone and called her. First, he explained that he couldn't remember as well as he used to. Then he reviewed the past evening. As he gained a little more courage, he then inquired of her, "When I asked if you would marry me, did you say Yes or did you say No?

"Why you silly man, she replied, I said Yes. Yes, I will! And I meant it with all my heart!" The widower was delighted. He felt his heart skip a beat. Then she continued. "And I'm so glad you called, because I couldn't remember who asked meĒ.
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Old 09-21-2018, 06:54 PM   #1352
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Old 09-26-2018, 05:15 AM   #1353
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I joined the Confederacy, served for two weeks, deserted, and the Confederacy fell. -- Mark Twain
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Old 09-26-2018, 05:21 AM   #1354
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Patient: I'm only here because my wife asked me to see you. She thinks I'm crazy simply because I like pancakes. Really, Doc. Does liking pancakes mean you're crazy.

Psychiatrist: Certainly not. I like pancakes myself.

Patient: Really? You must come see my collection. I've got two closets full of them.

-------

That's a waffle joke. Simply waffle.
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Old 09-26-2018, 11:21 AM   #1355
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Originally Posted by Actor View Post
Patient: I'm only here because my wife asked me to see you. She thinks I'm crazy simply because I like pancakes. Really, Doc. Does liking pancakes mean you're crazy.

Psychiatrist: Certainly not. I like pancakes myself.

Patient: Really? You must come see my collection. I've got two closets full of them.

-------

That's a waffle joke. Simply waffle.
That was funny, but I bet Aunt Jemima could top it.
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Old 10-01-2018, 09:40 PM   #1356
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Not a horse walks into a bar joke..

https://nypost.com/2018/10/01/a-hors...-into-a-bar-2/
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Old 10-02-2018, 12:07 PM   #1357
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Brett Kavanaugh goes to his doctor and tells him he has a problem. Every time he has sex, his eyes are irritated and water, his chest is tight, and he trouble breathing.

The doctor check him out and says he knows what the problem is.

"What is it, Doc?"

"It's the MACE!"
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Old 10-05-2018, 08:23 PM   #1358
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Before the fall of the USSR, there was a Communist weather forecaster named Rudolph.

One day he said to his wife, "It's going to rain pretty soon."

She looked out the window and said,"I don't know, it looks clear to me."

The forecaster drew himself up and said, "Rudolph the Red knows rain, dear."
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Old 10-05-2018, 10:29 PM   #1359
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What's the difference between a dog barking and the wife yelling at a closed door?....

When you let the dog in...it shuts up...
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Old 10-11-2018, 01:55 AM   #1360
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Old 10-11-2018, 02:43 PM   #1361
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A single guy decided life would be more fun if he had a pet. So he went to the pet store and told the owner that he wanted to buy an unusual pet.

After some discussion, he finally bought a talking centipede, which came in a little white box to use for his house.

He took the box back home, found a good spot for the box, and decided he would start off by taking his new pet to the pub for a drink with him.

So he asked the centipede in the box, "Would you like to go down the pub with me today? We will have a good time."

But there was no answer from his new pet. This bothered him a bit, but he waited a few minutes and then asked again,


"How about going down the pub with me ?" But again, there was no answer from his new friend and pet. So he waited a few minutes more, thinking about the situation.

The guy decided to invite the centipede one last time. This time he put his face up against the centipede ' s box and shouted, "Hey, in there! Would you like to go to the pub with me? .....

This time, a little voice came out of the box, "I heard you the first time! I 'm just putting me flippin' shoes on!"
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Old 10-11-2018, 06:29 PM   #1362
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Ordering Pizza in a Digital World

CALLER:
Is this Giuseppiís Pizza?

GOOGLE:
No, Sir, itís Google Pizza.

CALLER:
I must have dialed a wrong number. Sorry.

GOOGLE:
No, Sir, Google bought Giuseppiís Pizza last month.

CALLER:
OK. I would like to order a pizza.

GOOGLE:
Do you want your usual, Sir?

CALLER:
My usual? You know me?

GOOGLE:
According to our caller ID data sheet, the last 12 times you called you ordered an extra-large pizza with three cheeses, sausage, pepperoni, mushrooms and meatballs on a thick crust.

CALLER:
OK! Thatís what I want ...

GOOGLE:
May I suggest that this time you order a pizza with ricotta, arugula, sun-dried tomatoes and olives on a whole wheat gluten-free thin crust?

CALLER:
What? I detest vegetables!

GOOGLE:
Your cholesterol is not good, Sir.

CALLER:
How the hell do you know?

GOOGLE:
Well, we cross-referenced your home phone number with your medical records. We have the result of your blood tests for the last 7 years.

CALLER:
Okay, but I do not want your rotten vegetable pizza! I already take medication for my cholesterol.

GOOGLE:
Excuse me, Sir, but you have not taken your medication regularly. According to our database, you only purchased a box of 30 cholesterol tablets once, at Drug RX Network, 4 months ago.

CALLER:
I bought more from another drugstore.

GOOGLE:
That doesnít show on your credit card statement.

CALLER:
I paid in cash!

GOOGLE:
But you did not withdraw enough cash according to your bank statement.

CALLER:
I have other sources of cash...

GOOGLE:
That doesnít show on your last tax return, unless you bought them using an undeclared income source, which is against the law.

CALLER:
WHAT THE HELL!!!

GOOGLE:
Iím sorry, Sir. We use such information only with the sole intention of helping you.

CALLER:
Enough already! Iím sick to death of Google, Facebook, Twitter, WhatsApp and all the others. Iím going to an island without internet, cable TV, cell phone service, and no one to watch me or spy on me!

GOOGLE:
I understand, Sir, but you need to renew your passport first. It expired 6 weeks ago.
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Old 10-11-2018, 07:39 PM   #1363
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Do you like fishsticks?

What are you, a gay fish?

https://en.wikipedia.org/wiki/Fishsticks_(South_Park)
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Old 10-11-2018, 10:46 PM   #1364
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did you hear the one about the agnostic dyslexic insomniac, ..he stayed up all night wondering if there's a dog
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Shoot the messenger...pretty much the norm...instead of discussing the message...regardless of the topic...but at least then...you KNOW that what your take was....is correct...and cannot be handled by those attacking the messenger...keep piling on....it's all good...just my 2 cents worth...1943 copper that is!
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Old 10-11-2018, 10:48 PM   #1365
sammy the sage
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Old man sitting on a bench, when a young man walks by carrying a roll of chicken wire. The old man asks him, "where ya going with that chicken wire?" The young man replies, " I am goin to catch chickens!" . Old man yells back, "Ya can't catch chickens with chicken wire, ya idjit!! ". About an hour later the young man comes walking back with 4 chickens.....Next day, OLd man sitting on the bench, sees the young guy again, walking past with a roll of duct tape..."Where ya going with that duct tape?...Going to catch ducks...Ya can't catch ducks with duct tape,,damn you is dummmmbbbb... About an hour later, young guy comes back with 2 ducks..Third day, old man sitting on the bench, sees the young guy walking by and asks him, "What ya carrying today?..Young man replies "pussy willows"...Old man says..."Can I come with you?"...
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Shoot the messenger...pretty much the norm...instead of discussing the message...regardless of the topic...but at least then...you KNOW that what your take was....is correct...and cannot be handled by those attacking the messenger...keep piling on....it's all good...just my 2 cents worth...1943 copper that is!
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