HUMOR

[Actor]

July 1
To: Rep Jones
Congressional Bldg
Washington, D.C.

Dear Mr. Jones,

I voted for you. I'm writing to encourage you to vote no on the Baxter Bill.

Yours truly,

David Smith

***

July 15
To: David Smith
123 Houston Street
Pond Creek, Oklahoma

Dear Mr. Smith

Happy to hear that you share my support of the Baxter Bill.

Sincerely,

Allister Jones, Member of Congress

***

July 8
To: Rep Jones
Congressional Bldg
Washington, D.C.

Dear Mr. Jones,

You've got it all wrong. I do not support the Baxter Bill and neither should you. I urge you to vote against it.

Yours truly,

David Smith

***

August 1
To: David Smith
123 Houston Street
Pond Creek, Oklahoma

Dear Mr. Smith

Thank you for your support. You will be happy to hear that the Baxter Bill is now out of committee with a favorable report. You should know that as your congressman I was instrumental in this process and that the Bill is gaining momentum among house members thanks to the support of Americans such as yourself.

Sincerely,

Allister Jones, Member of Congress

***

Aug 5
To: Rep Jones
Congressional Bldg
Washington, D.C.

Dear Mr. Jones,

No. No. No. You stupid twit. The Baxter Bill will ruin this country if it passes. Can't you see that? Do you ever actually read your mail? You are an idiot. How did you ever get elected to office?

Yours truly,

David Smith

***

Aug 20
To: David Smith
123 Houston Street
Pond Creek, Oklahoma

Dear Mr. Smith

Great news. The Baxter Bill has passed the House by a comfortable majority and the President has signed it. As one of my loyal supporters you are invited to join us in celebration at the Wyatt hotel ballroom this Saturday at 8:00 p.m. If you are in the Washington area please join us. I have arranged for your name to be on the guest list. Please bring identification.

Sincerely,

Allister Jones, Member of Congress

***

The Washington Post

September 1

Congressman Allister Jones of Oklahoma was brutally attacked tonight by an assailant with a ball peen hammer. Jones was treated at Walter Reed Hospital. Doctors say his injuries are serious but he is expected to make a full recovery.

Police have identified the assailant as David Smith of Pond Creek, Oklahoma. So far they have no motive for the attack.

The office of Congressman Jones has confirmed that Smith's name was on the guest list and he seems to have been one of Jones' constituents. They have also stated that their records indicate that Smith was one of Jones most ardent supporters and that the congressman had a long, friendly and cordial correspondence with Smith for the past few months.

[PhantomOnTour]

Guy being interviewed by customs agent as he tries to enter Australia...

AGENT: Have you ever been convicted of a felony?
GUY: Huh? Is it still a requirement?

[ldiatone]

Woman: Do you drink beer?
Man: Yes
Woman: How many beers a day?
Man: Usually about three.
Woman: What do you pay per beer?
Man: Maybe $5.00 including the tip.
(This is where it gets scary!)
Woman: And how long have you been drinking?
Man: About 20 years, I suppose
Woman: So a beer costs $5.00 and you have three beers a day which puts your spending each month at $450. In one year it would be about $5,400 correct?
Man: Correct!
Woman: If in one year you spend $5,400, not accounting for inflation, the past 20 years puts your spending at $108,000, correct?
Man: If you say so, my love.
Woman: Do you know that if you did not drink so much beer, that money could have been put in a savings account and after accounting for compound interest for the past 20 years, you could have now bought a Ferrari?
Man: Do you drink beer?
Woman: No.
Man: Then where’s your Ferrari?

[KingChas]

Politics and Football

[ldiatone]

He grasped me firmly but gently just above my elbow and guided me into a room, his room. Then he quietly shut the door and we were alone. He approached me soundlessly, from behind, and spoke in a low, reassuring voice close to my ear. "Just relax." Without warning, he reached down and I felt his strong, calloused hands start at my ankles, gently probing, and moving upward along my calves slowly but steadily. My breath caught in my throat. I knew I should be afraid, but somehow I didn't care. His touch was so experienced, so sure. When his hands moved up onto my thighs, I gave a slight shudder, and partly closed my eyes. My pulse was pounding. I felt his knowing fingers caress my abdomen, my rib cage. And then, as he cupped my firm, full breasts in his hands, I inhaled sharply. Probing, searching, knowing what he wanted, he brought his hands to my shoulders, slid them down my tingling spine and into my panties. Although I knew nothing about this man, I felt oddly trusting and expectant. This is a man, I thought. A man used to taking charge. A man not used to taking `no' for an answer.

A man who would tell me what he wanted. A man who would look into my soul and say ....

"Okay, ma'am," said a voice. "All done." My eyes snapped open and he was standing in front of me, smiling, holding out my purse.

"You can board your flight now."

[ldiatone]

As the bus stopped and it was her turn to get on, she became aware that her skirt was too tight to allow her leg to come up to the
height of the first step of the bus.

Slightly embarrassed and with a quick smile to the bus driver, she reached behind her to unzip her skirt a little, thinking that this would give her enough slack to raise her leg. She tried to take the step, only to discover that she couldn't.

So, a little more embarrassed, she once again reached behind her to unzip her skirt a little more, and for the second time attempted the step.

Once again, much to her chagrin, she could not raise her leg. With a little smile to the driver, she again reached behind to unzip a little more and
again was unable to take the step.

About this time, a large Texan who was standing behind her picked her up easily by the waist and placed her gently on the step of the bus.

She went ballistic and turned to the would-be Samaritan and yelled, 'How dare you touch my body!
I don't even know who you are!'

The Texan smiled and drawled, 'Well, ma'am, normally I would agree with you, but after you unzipped my fly three times,
I kinda figured we was friends.'

[barahona44]

The past, present and future walked into a bar.The bartender looked up then said to all the customers "Hey, everybody , be careful.Things might get tense in here."

[barahona44]

The past, present and future walked into a bar.The bartender looked up then said to all the customers "Hey, everybody , be careful.Things might get tense in here."

[TJDave]

The fourth dimension.

[Greyfox]

Originally Posted by barahona44

The past, present and future walked into a bar.The bartender looked up then said to all the customers "Hey, everybody , be careful.Things might get tense in here."

Your foist post was a so so groaner. Three more didn't make thense.

[reckless]

Why does a chicken coop only have 2 doors??

Because if it had 4 doors it would be a chicken sedan.

[Teach]

Why do baseball play-by-play announcers have small hands?

Wee Paws for Station Identification.

[barahona44]

Originally Posted by Greyfox

Your foist post was a so so groaner. Three more didn't make thense.

Didn't see that.Usually when you hit the button to post your message more than once, you get an error message that tells you have already posted.As I recall, the screen locked and I didn't check to see if it ever went through.

Since this website NEVER has technical issues , I am at a loss as to what could have happened.

BTW, "Foist"? Have you invoked the ghost of Curly Howard?

[ldiatone]

Every day, the ship's captain had a routine the first mate found puzzling. Each morning, before his daily duties, the captain would report to the bridge, open a drawer under the chart table, take a quick glance inside, close it and proceed about his shipboard duties. Intrigued, the first mate suppressed his urge to know what was in the drawer, but out of respect for his superior officer, refrained from sneaking a peek.

Years passed, and after a long voyage, the captain was assigned to another ship. As soon as he was gone, the first mate went to the bridge, opened the drawer and looked inside. There he found a filing card taped to the bottom, and on it was written,
"Port=left, Starboard=right."

[barahona44]

Three men are out in the woods.They encounter a wide, dangerously raging river that they have to cross.

The first man said "Lord, please give me the strength to be able to cross this river" Immediately, he is given muscles on his arms and legs that enable him to swim across in 2 hours.

The second man says " Lord, give me the strength and the tools to cross this river". Instantly, a hammer, nails and wood appear.The man builds a boat and crosses the river in an hour.

The third man says "Lord,give me the strength, tools and intellect to cross this river". Instantly, he turns into a woman,reaches for a map and finds there's a riverbend with a bridge and crosses the river in 10 minutes.