HUMOR

[Tom]

Originally Posted by ldiatone

How do you fix a broken tuba?
With a tuba glue.

That will will told over and over and over the next few weeks!
By ME!

[ldiatone]

A shy gentleman was preparing to board a plane when he heard that the Pope was on the same flight. "This is exciting," thought the gentleman. "I've always been a big fan of the Pope. Perhaps I'll be able to see him in person."

Imagine his surprise when the Pope sat down in the seat next to him for the flight. Still, the gentleman was too shy to speak to the Pontiff.

Shortly after takeoff, the Pope began a crossword puzzle. "This is fantastic," thought the gentleman. "I'm really good at crosswords. Perhaps, if the Pope gets stuck, he'll ask me for assistance."

Almost immediately, the Pope turned to the gentleman and said, "Excuse me, but do you know a four letter word referring to a woman that ends in 'unt'?"

Only one word leapt to mind ... "My goodness," thought the gentleman, "I can't tell the Pope that. There must be another word." The gentleman thought for quite a while, then it hit him. Turning to the Pope, the gentleman said, "I think the word you're looking for is 'aunt'."

"Oooooh, of course," said the Pope. "Do you have an eraser?"

[magwell]

I've outlived my dick."
A Poem - by Willie Nelson
My nookie days are over,
My pilot light is out.
What used to be my pride and joy,
Is now my water spout.






Time was when, on its own accord,
From my trousers it would spring.
But now I've got a full time job,
To find it










It used to be embarrassing,
The way it would behave.
For every single morning,
It would stand and watch me shave.










Now as old age approaches,
It sure gives me the blues.
To see it hang its head,
And watch me tie my shoes!!

[ldiatone]

1. Everyone has a photographic memory. Some just don't have film.
2. He who laughs last, thinks slowest.
3. A day without sunshine is like, well, night!
4. Change is inevitable, except from a vending machine.
5. When the chips are down the buffalo is empty.
6. Seen it all, done it all. Can't remember most of it.
7. Those who live by the sword get shot by those who don't.
8. She's always late. In fact, her ancestors arrived on the "Juneflower."
9. You have the right to remain silent. Anything you say will be misquoted and used against you.
10. Despite the cost of living, it still remains popular.
11. Nothing is foolproof to a sufficiently talented fool.
12. The 50-50-90 rule: Anytime you have a 50-50 chance of getting something right, there's a 90% probability you'll get it wrong.
13. It is said that if you line up all the cars in the world end to end, someone would be stupid enough to try and pass them.
14. You can't have everything. Where would you put it?
15. If the shoe fits, get another one just like it.
16. The things that come to those that wait, are probably things left by those who got there first.
17. Give a man a fish and he will eat for a day. Teach a man to fish and he will sit in a boat all day drinking.
18. The shin bone is a device for finding furniture.
19. It was recently discovered that research causes cancer in rats.
20. Everybody lies, but it doesn't matter since nobody listens.
21. You start out with nothing, and many still have most of it.
And finally, Murphy’s 22nd Law of Truth:
22. When you go to court, you are putting yourself in the hands of 12 people who weren't smart enough to get out of jury duty.

[ldiatone]

An old guy in his Volvo is driving home from work when his wife rings him on his cell phone.

"Honey," she says in a worried voice, "please be careful. There was a bit on the news just now, some lunatic is driving the wrong way down the highway."

"Oh it's worse than that," he replies, "there are hundreds of them!"

[Actor]

YouTube

[jk3521]

If Donald Trump didn't have such a thin skin, he might enjoy this..


https://twitter.com/RealDonaldTrFan?...Ctwgr%5Eauthor

[OntheRail]

Here's a video that should make you laugh (even if you saw it
before).

YouTube

[OntheRail]

Apparently it's no longer politically correct to direct a joke at any racial or ethnic minority so:

An Englishman, a Scotsman, an Irishman, a Welshman, a Gurkha, a Latvian, a Turk, an Aussie, two Kiwis, an American, a German, a South African, a Cypriot, and Egyptian, a Japanese, a Mexican, a Spaniard, a Russian, a Pole, a Lithuanian, a Swede, a Finn, an Israeli, a Dane, a Romanian, a Bulgarian, a Serb, a Swiss, a Greek, a Singaporean, an Italian, a Norwegian, a Libyan, a Muslim, a Hindu, a Buddhist, and an Ethiopian went to a nightclub.

The bouncer said, "I'm sorry, I can't let you in without a Thai."

[FantasticDan]

I hate these lame "real people" Chevy ads so much, and this makes me

YouTube (Short URL)

YouTube (Short URL)

YouTube (Short URL)

[OntheRail]

It's been reported that there was a fire at the IRS... Metro Firefighters responded quickly and extinguished the blaze before any good could be done.

[Actor]

How many computer programmers does it take to change a light bulb?

Programmers don't change light bulbs. That's a hardware problem.

[Actor]

A young man left the farm, went to college, graduated and then joined the military. Having a college degree he applied for Officer Candidate School and was accepted contingent upon his getting a security clearance. He was told that getting a security clearance would be routine and would take about a week. Two weeks went by and he heard nothing. Then he got a letter from home.

"Dear Son,

"Are you in some kind of trouble? There's been a lot of Federal men around town asking all kinds of questions about you. Of course we ain't told them nothin'"

[Jess Hawsen Arown]

Every place is in walking distance -- as long as you have the time.

[ldiatone]