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Old 12-09-2013, 10:45 AM   #226
magwell
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A man brings his best buddy home for dinner unannounced at 5:30 pm after work.

His wife begins screaming at him and his friend just sits and listens in.
"My hair & makeup are not done, the house is a mess, the dishes are not done,
I'm still in my pajamas and I can't be bothered with cooking tonight! What
the hell did you bring him home for?"

"Because he's thinking of getting married."
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Old 12-09-2013, 02:01 PM   #227
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A man and his wife check into a hotel. The husband wants to have a couple of drinks at the bar, but his wife is extremely tired and decides to go on up to their room to rest.

She lies down on the bed... just then, an elevated train passes by very closely to the window and shakes the room so hard she's thrown out of the bed.

Thinking this must be a freak occurrence, she lies down once more. Again a train shakes the room so violently she's pitched to the floor.

Exasperated, she calls the front desk and asks for the manager. The manager says he'll be right up.

The manager is skeptical but the wife insists the story is true. "Look... lie here on the bed -- you'll be thrown right to the floor!" So he lies down next to the wife.

Just then the husband walks in. "What," he says, "are you doing here!?"

The manager calmly replies, "Would you believe I'm waiting for a train?"
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Old 12-11-2013, 01:53 PM   #228
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PA, I think this comes close but doesn't quite cross the line to inappropriate. If you disagree with my judgment, please delete it.


A new Priest at his first mass was so nervous he could hardly speak. After mass he asked the Monsignor how he had done.

The Monsignor replied, "When I am concerned about getting nervous on the pulpit, I put a glass of vodka next to the water glass. If I start to get nervous, I take a sip."

So the next Sunday the Priest took the Monsignor's advice. At the beginning of the sermon, he got nervous and took a drink. He then proceeded to talk up a storm.

Upon his return to his office after the mass, he found the following note on the door:

1) Sip the vodka, don't gulp.

2) There are 10 commandments, not 12.

3) There are 12 disciples, not 10.

4) Jesus was consecrated, not constipated.

5) Jacob wagered his donkey, he did not bet his ass.

6) We do not refer to Jesus Christ as the late J.C..

7) The Father, Son, and Holy Ghost are not referred to as Daddy, Junior and the Spook.

8) David slew Goliath; he did not kick the XXXX out of him.

9) When David was hit by a rock and was knocked off his donkey, don't say he was stoned off his ass.

10) We do not refer to the cross as the 'Big T.'

11) When Jesus broke the bread at the last supper he said,"Take this and eat it for this is my body." He did not say,"Eat me."

12) The Virgin Mary is not called 'Mary with the Cherry'

13) The recommended grace before a meal is not: Rub-A-Dub-Dub thanks for the grub, Yeah God.

14) Next Sunday there will be a taffy pulling contest at St. Peter's not a peter pulling contest at St. Taffy's.
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Old 12-11-2013, 02:19 PM   #229
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Quote:
Originally Posted by OverlayHunter
PA, I think this comes close but doesn't quite cross the line to inappropriate. If you disagree with my judgment, please delete it.
This is pretty tame compared to some jokes. I liked it though.
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Old 12-11-2013, 03:00 PM   #230
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I'm not all that religious, but I found it rather dumb because those that are would find it offensive.
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Old 12-11-2013, 06:03 PM   #231
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Quote:
Originally Posted by Marshall Bennett
I'm not all that religious, but I found it rather dumb because those that are would find it offensive.
I found it very funny-not the least bit offended.
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Old 12-14-2013, 07:28 PM   #232
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Those who believe in telekinesis, raise my hand.


Kurt Vonnegut
(by way of kat at blackjack forum)
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Old 12-16-2013, 09:41 PM   #233
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A guy is out jogging when he spots a tennis ball ahead in the gutter. He stops and picks it up and looks around to see if there is a nearby tennis court. Seeing none he decides to keep it but, having nothing but jogging shorts on he tries to figure where to put the ball.


He ends up sticking it down the front of his shorts. When he finishes his run, he goes to the bus stop for a ride home.

upon boarding the bus he sits down next to an attractive blonde.


The puzzled blonde kept looking at him and his bulging shorts.Finally, after many glances from her, he said, "It's a tennis ball.


"The blonde continued to look at him for a very long time, thinking deeply about what he had said. After several minutes, not being able to contain her curiosity any longer,she asked, "Does it hurt as much as tennis elbow?"
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Old 12-17-2013, 02:01 AM   #234
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Five tips for a woman....

1. It is important that a man helps you around the house and has a job.

2. It is important that a man makes you laugh.

3. It is important to find a man you can count on! And doesn't lie to you.

4. It is important that a man loves you and spoils you.

5. It is important that these four men don't know each other.
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Old 12-17-2013, 04:07 AM   #235
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Little Ted and Jenny are only 10 years old, but they know they are in love.
One day they decide that they want to get married, so Ted goes to Jenny's father to ask him for her hand.

Ted bravely walks up to him and says, "Mr. Smith, me and Jenny are in love
and I want to ask you for her hand in marriage."

Thinking that this was just the cutest thing, Mr. Smith replies, "Well Ted, you are only 10..
Where will you two live?"

Without even taking a moment to think about it, Ted replies, "In Jenny's room.
It's bigger than mine and we can both fit there nicely."


Mr. Smith says with a huge grin, "Okay, then how will you live? You're not old enough to get a job. You'll need to support Jenny."

Again, Ted instantly replies, "Our allowance, Jenny makes five bucks a week and I make 10 bucks a week. That's about 60 bucks a month, so that should do us just fine."

Mr. Smith is impressed Ted has put so much thought into this. "Well Ted,
it seems like you have everything figured out. I just have one more question.
What will you do if the two of you should have little children of your own?"

Ted just shrugs his shoulders and says, "Well, we've been lucky so far."

Mr. Smith no longer thinks the little bastard is adorable.
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Old 12-17-2013, 09:39 AM   #236
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Bob walked into a sports bar around 9:58 PM.
He sat down next to a blonde at the bar
And stared up at the TV. . .

The 10 PM news was coming on.
The news crew was covering the story
Of a man on the ledge of a large building
Preparing to jump.

The blonde looked at Bob and said,
" Do you think he'll jump ? "

Bob said,
" You know, I bet he'll jump. "
The blonde replied,

" Well, I bet he won't. " Bob placed a $20 bill on the bar and said,
" You're on ! "

Just as the blonde placed her money on the bar,
The guy on the ledge
Did a swan dive off the building,
Falling to his death.

The blonde was very upset,
But willingly handed her $20 to Bob.
" Fair's fair. Here's your money. "

Bob replied,

" I can't take your money.
I saw this earlier on the 6 PM news,
So I knew he would jump. "

The blonde replied,

" I did, too, But I didn't think he'd do ...
It again. "
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Old 12-17-2013, 11:59 AM   #237
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Nice job !!
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Old 12-17-2013, 12:09 PM   #238
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Little Justin

The fourth-grade teacher asked the children what their fathers did for a living.



All the typical answers came up - fireman, mechanic, businessman, salesman ... and so forth.



However, little Justin was being uncharacteristically quiet, so when the teacher prodded him about his father, he replied,



"My father's an exotic dancer in a gay cabaret and takes off all his clothes to music in front of other men and they put money in his underwear. Sometimes, if the offer is really good, he will go home with some guy and stay with him all night for money."



The teacher, obviously shaken by this statement, hurriedly set the other children to work on some exercises and took little Justin aside to ask him, "Is that really true about your father?"



"No," the boy said, "He works for the Democratic National Committee and helped to get Obama elected, but it's too embarrassing to say that in front of the other kids."
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Old 12-17-2013, 02:35 PM   #239
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Have you ever noticed that those who do not have a pot to piss in nor a window to throw it out of always seem to know how to handle the money of those who do.
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Old 12-17-2013, 03:29 PM   #240
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Two women were talking over the back fence.
"I have to take every precaution to not get pregnant." says one.
"I thought your husband had been fixed?" asked the other one.
"He was. That's why!"
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