HUMOR

[sammy the sage]

--------------------------------------------------------------------------------

Two Scottish nuns sat at traffic lights in their car when a car load of rowdy drunks pulls up alongside.



"Oi, get your tits out, you penguins!" shouts one of the drunks.



The Mother Superior turns to Sister Immaculata, "I don't think they know who we are - show them your cross".



So Sister Immaculata winds down her window and shouts, "Screw off you little wankers, before I come over there and rip your balls off"!


Sister Immaculata looks back at the Mother Superior and asks? "Was that cross enough?"

[Rwahi1]

A husband and wife are trying to set up a new password for their computer. The husband puts, "Mypenis," and the wife falls on the ground laughing because on the screen it says, "Error. Not long enough."

[HUSKER55]

[Longshot6977]

Originally Posted by jerry-g

We all know those cute little computer symbols called 'emoticons,' where:
means a smile and
is a frown.
Sometimes these are represented by

:-)

:-(

Well, how about some 'ASSICONS?'
Here goes:

(_!_) a regular ass


(__!__) a fat ass

(!) a tight ass

(_*_) an ass hole

{_!_} a swishy ass

(_o_) an ass that's been around












(_x_) kiss my ass

(_X_) leave my ass alone

(_zzz_) a tired ass

(_E=mc2_) a smart ass

(_$_) Money coming out of his ass

(_?_) Dumb Ass






You have just been e-mooned!

What about these:
(.)(.) Nice boobs
( . ) ( . ) Nice big boobs
( Y ) nice cleavage
(.Y ) Janet Jackson at 2004 Super Bowl

[Jens]

Once upon a time........

Bill & Hillary Clinton were sleeping one night at the White House.
Hillary wakes up and starts shaking Bill to wake him up.
"Bill, Bill wake up."

Bill stays sleeping. Hillary continues, "Bill, Bill wake up."

Bill finally wakes up and says, "What do you want?"

Hillary responds, "I have to go use the bathroom."

To which Bill says, "Please tell me you didn't wake me up just
to tell me you have to go to the bathroom."

Hillary says, "No, I just wanted to tell you to save my spot."

[Rwahi1]

The teacher asked Jimmy, "Why is your cat at school today Jimmy?" Jimmy replied crying, "Because I heard my daddy tell my mommy, 'I am going to eat that p*ssy once Jimmy leaves for school today!'"

[Tom]

Mother Superior, a Nun, and a Novice were talking one night and and three regretted missing on a lot of fun during their lives so they decided that each would play one prank to get it out of their systems.

A couple of days later, the three got together to report their mischief.

"I hid a condom in the Pastor's drawer!" Declared the Mother Superior.
" I saw you do it, so after you left, I snuck in and put a pin hole in it!" said the Nun.



The Novice fainted.

[sammy the sage]

The Sensitive Man


A woman meets a man in a bar.
They talk; they connect; they end up leaving together.
They get back to his place,
and as he shows her around his
apartment
She notices that one wall of his
bedroom is
completely filled with soft, sweet,
cuddly teddy bears.
There are three shelves in the
bedroom,
with hundreds and hundreds of cute,
cuddly teddy bears carefully placed
in rows, covering the entire wall!
It was obvious that he had taken
quite some time to lovingly arrange them
and she was immediately touched
by the amount of thought he had
put into organizing the display.
There were small bears all along
the bottom shelf,
medium-sized bears covering the
length of the middle shelf,
and huge, enormous bears running
all the way along the top shelf.
She found it strange for an
obviously masculine guy
to have such a large collection of
Teddy Bears,
She is quite impressed by his
sensitive side.
but doesn't mention this to him.
They share a bottle of wine and
continue talking and,
after awhile, she finds herself
thinking,
'Oh my God! Maybe, this guy
could be the one!
Maybe he could be the future
father of my children?'
She turns to him and kisses him
lightly on the lips
He responds warmly.
They continue to kiss, the passion builds, and he romantically lifts her in
his arms and carries her into his bedroom
where they rip off each other's
clothes and make hot, steamy love.
She is so overwhelmed that she
responds with more passion,
more creativity, more heat than she has ever known.
After an intense, explosive night
of raw passion with this sensitive guy,
they are lying there together in
the afterglow.
The woman rolls over, gently
strokes his chest and asks coyly,
'Well, how was it?'
The guy gently smiles at her,
strokes her cheek,
looks deeply into her eyes,


and says:

'Help yourself to any prize
from the middle shelf'

[HUSKER55]

did you really do that!

[Rwahi1]

Two nuns were riding their bicycles down the street. The first nun says, "I've never came this way before." The second nun says, "Yeah, it's the cobblestones!"

[IrishRail76]

What was the first thing Cinderella said when she made it to the ball?

...........


..........


..........


.........

Nothing, but she did gag a little.


===============================



A soldier was given the job of hunting for buffalo. To help him, he hired an Indian Scout. The two of them set off on their journey to find buffalo. After riding awhile, the Indian gets off his horse, puts his ear to the ground and says "Humm, buffalo come". The soldier scans the area with his binoculars, but sees nothing. He is confused and says to the Indian, "I do not see anything, how do you know buffalo come"? The Indian replies, "Ear sticky".


=============================




A little boy and his grandfather are raking leaves in the yard. The little boy sees an earthworm trying to get back into its hole. He says, "Grandpa, I bet I can put that worm back in that hole." The grandfather replies, "I'll bet you five dollars you can't. It's too wiggly and limp to put back in that little hole."

The little boy runs into the house and comes back out with a can of hair spray. He sprays the worm until it is straight and stiff as a board. The boy then proceeds to put the worm back into the hole. The grandfather hands the little boy five dollars, grabs the hair spray and runs into the house.

Thirty minutes later the grandfather comes back out and hands the boy another five dollars. The little boy says, "Grandpa, you already gave me five dollars." The grandfather replies, "I know. That's from your Grandma."

[Marshall Bennett]

A fellow goes to a brothel and asks the madam, "What can I get here for 5 bucks?" She says "Well, all we have for that small amount is this chicken". So the guy goes into this room and chases this chicken for about an hour, eventually killing it. He returns the next night and asks "okay, I've got 10 bucks, what do you have here for 10 bucks?" She says "For 10 bucks we'll let you watch these two lesbians have sex". So he gives her the money and is lead to this room with dozens of peep holes drilled in it. He steps up to one and looks into the room and a few moments later nudges another onlooker next to him and says "This is pretty cool isn't it?". The guy replies "This ain't nothin, you should have been here last night and seen that idiot trying to fk that chicken".

[sammy the sage]

The nun teaching Sunday School was speaking to her class one morning and
she asked the question, "When you die and go to Heaven... which part of
your body goes first?"

Suzy raised her hand and said, "I think it's your hands."

Why do you think it's your hands, Suzy?"

Suzy replied, "Because when you pray, you hold your hands together in
front of you and God just takes your hands first."

"What a wonderful answer!" the nun said.

Little Johnny raised his hand and said, "Sister, I think it's your
legs."

The nun looked at him with the strangest look on her face.

"Now, Little Johnny, why do you think it would be your legs?"

Little Johnny said, "Well, I walked into Mommy and Daddy's bedroom the
other night. Mommy had her legs straight up in the air and she was saying, "Oh God,I'm coming!"

If Dad hadn't pinned her down, we'd have lost her."

The nun fainted

[PaceAdvantage]

Originally Posted by IrishRail76

What was the first thing Cinderella said when she made it to the ball?

...........


..........


..........


.........

Nothing, but she did gag a little.

Some of you guys are not only pushing but going way over the line with some of these...although I will admit I had to think about this one by Irish for a few more seconds than usual before I finally got it...

[Marshall Bennett]

This is old but perhaps some have forgotten...
Nixon, Kissinger, a priest, and a hippie were on the same flight on a small propeller plane when suddenly both engines quit. The pilot tells them, "We're going down guys, my co-pilot and I both have parachutes, but there's only 3 back there so y'all figure out who gets left behind. Nixon says "well I'm the president I get one, and he jumps. Kissinger says "well I'm the smartest mf in the world so I certainly get one, and he jumps. The priest looks at the hippie and says "son, I'm old and have lived a good life while you are still young and have your whole future ahead of you, go ahead and take the last chute". The hippie starts laughing like hell and says "no father, we both have one, that smart mf jumped out with his duffel bag".