HUMOR

[Tom]

One cold winter morning in 1993, Hillary looked out on the WH lawn and to her horror saw that someone had peed in the snow and written a message that said "Hillary Sucks!"

She was furious, so she called the FBI over to investigate.

The next day, she got a call from the director.
"Mrs. Clinton, we did a DNA test on the pee and it definitely came from your husband."

"I will kill him!" she replied.

"That is not all, ma'am," the director continued.

"It is definitely not his handwriting."

[magwell]

New Disney Film on Hold

Walt Disney's new film called "Out Back," the new version of "Snow White," has been put on hold.

All of the new 7 dwarfs: Dealer, Stealer, Mugger, Forger, Your ID, home evasions, and Car jacked, have refused to sing "Hi Ho" because they say it offends their sister.

They also say they have no intention of singing "It's off to work we go".

[Rwahi1]

A taxi passenger taps the driver on the shoulder to ask him a question. The driver screams, loses control of the car, nearly hits a bus, goes up on the footpath, and stops centimeters from a shop window. For a second, everything goes quiet in the cab, then the driver says, "Look mate, don't ever do that again. You scared the daylights out of me!" The passenger apologizes and says, "I didn't realize that a little tap would scare you so much.” The driver replies, "Sorry, it's not really your fault. Today is my first day as a cab driver. I've been driving a funeral van for the last 25 years."

[sammy the sage]

--------------------------------------------------------------------------------

The Day the Penis asked for a Raise


I, the Penis, hereby request a raise in salary for the following reasons:
I do physical labor.
I work at great depths.
I plunge headfirst into everything I do.
I do not get weekends or public holidays off.
I work in a damp environment.
I work in a dark workplace that has poor ventilation.
I work in high temperatures.
My work exposes me to contagious diseases.

Sincerely,
P. Niss

The Response:

Dear Penis:
After assessing your request, and considering the arguments you have raised, the administration rejects your request for the following reasons:
You do not work 8 hours straight.
You fall asleep after brief work periods.
You do not always follow the orders of the management team. You do not stay in your designated area and are often seen visiting other locations.
You do not take initiative - you need to be pressured and stimulated in order to start working.
You leave the workplace rather messy at the end of your shift. You don't always observe necessary safety regulations, such as wearing the correct protective clothing.
You will retire well before you are 65.
You are unable to work double shifts.
You sometimes leave your designated work area before you have completed assigned task.
And if that were not all, you have been seen constantly entering and exiting the workplace carrying two suspicious-looking bags.

Sincerely,
V. Gina

[Rwahi1]

A man is drinking in a bar when he notices a beautiful young lady. "Hello there and what is your name?" "Hello," giggles the woman, "I'm Stacey. What's yours?" "I'm Jim." "Jim, do you want to come over to my house tonight?" “Sure!" replies Jim. "Let's go!" At Stacey’s house, Jim notices a picture of a man on Stacey's desk and asks, "Is this your brother?" "No, it isn't, Jim!" Stacey giggles. "Is it your husband?" Stacey giggles even more, "No, silly!" "Then, it must be your boyfriend!" Stacey giggles even more while nibbling on Jim's ear. She says, "No, silly!" "Then, who is it?" Stacey replies, "That's me before my operation!"


Having sex is like playing bridge. If you don't have a good partner, you'd better have a good hand.

[Marshall Bennett]

Good one.

[dartman51]

An elderly lady was standing at the railing of the cruise ship holding her hat tight so that it would not blow away in the wind. A gentleman approached her and said, "Pardon me, madam... I do not intend to be forward, but did you know that your dress is blowing up in this high wind?" "Yes I know," said the lady. "I need both my hands to hold my hat."

"But madam, you must know that you are not wearing any panties, and you are exposed!" said the gentleman in earnest.

The woman looked down, then back up at the man and replied, "Sir, anything you see down there is 75 years old. I just bought this hat yesterday."

[Rwahi1]

A blonde, a redhead, and a brunette were all lost in the desert. They found a lamp and rubbed it. A genie popped out and granted them each one wish. The redhead wished to be back home. Poof! She was back home. The brunette wished to be at home with her family. Poof! She was back home with her family. The blonde said, "Awwww, I wish my friends were here."


Why did the blonde stare at a frozen orange juice can for 2 hours?
Because it said 'concentrate'.

[myhorse1]

1. Where there's a will, I want to be in it.

2. The last thing I want to do is hurt you. But it's still on my list.

3. Since light travels faster than sound, some people appear bright until you hear them speak.

4. If I agreed with you, we'd both be wrong.

5. We never really grow up, we only learn how to act in public.

6. War does not determine who is right - only who is left.

7. Knowledge is knowing a tomato is a fruit.. Wisdom is not putting it in a fruit salad.

8. To steal ideas from one person is plagiarism. To steal from many is research.

9. I didn't say it was your fault, I said I was blaming you.

10. In filling out an application, where it says, 'In case of emergency, Notify:' I put 'DOCTOR'.

11. Women will never be equal to men until they can walk down the street with a bald head and a beer gut, and still think they are sexy. (ever been to K MART)

12. You do not need a parachute to skydive. You only need a parachute to skydive twice.

13. I used to be indecisive. Now I'm not so sure..

14. To be sure of hitting the target, shoot first and call whatever you hit the target.

15. Going to church doesn't make you a Christian any more than standing in a garage makes you a car.

16. You're never too old to learn something stupid.

17. I'm supposed to respect my elders, but its getting harder and harder for me to find one now.

[Rwahi1]

A blonde had just gotten a new sports car and was out for a drive when she accidentally cut off a truck driver. He motioned for her to pull over.

When she did, he got out of his truck and pulled a piece of chalk from his pocket. He drew a circle on the side of the road and gruffly commanded to the blonde, “Stand in that circle and DON’T MOVE!”.

He then went to her car and cut up her leather seats. When he turned around she had a slight grin on her face, so he said, “Oh you think that’s funny? Watch this!” He gets a baseball bat out of his truck and breaks every window in her car. When he turns and looks at her she has a smile on her face. He is getting really mad. He gets his knife back out and slices all her tires. Now she’s laughing. The truck driver is really starting to lose it. He goes back to his truck and gets a can of gas, pours it on her car and sets it on fire. He turns around and she is laughing so hard she is about to fall down.

“What’s so funny?” the truck driver asked the blonde.

She replied, “Every time you weren’t looking, I stepped outside the circle!”

[magwell]

A mortician was working late one night.

He examined the body of Mr. Schwartz,
About to be cremated,
And made a startling discovery.
Schwartz had the largest private part
He had ever seen!

'I'm sorry Mr. Schwartz,' the mortician
Commented, 'I can't allow you to be cremated
With such an impressive private part.
It must be saved for posterity.'

So, he removed it,
Stuffed it into his briefcase,
And took it home.

'I have something to show
You won't believe,' he said to his wife,
Opening his briefcase.

'My God!' the wife exclaimed,
'Schwartz is dead!'

[Rwahi1]

A blonde keeps walking down her drive to her mail box.

She keeps doing this until her neighbor asks her why she is doing that.

The blonde replies "My computer keeps telling me that I've got mail".

[sammy the sage]

A guy stuck his head into a barbershop and asked, 'How longbefore I can get a haircut?

The barber looked around the shop full of customers and said, 'About 2 hours.' The guy left.

A few days later, the same guy stuck his head in the door and asked, 'How long before I can get a haircut?' The barber looked around at the shop and said, 'About 3 hours.' The guy left.

A week later, the same guy stuck his head in the shop and asked, 'How long before I can get a haircut? The barber looked around the shop and said, 'About an hour and a half . The guy left.

The barber turned to his friend and said, 'Hey, Bob, do me a favor, follow him and see where he goes. He keeps asking how long he has to wait for a haircut, but he never
comes back.'

A little while later, Bob returned to the shop, laughing hysterically. The barber asked, 'So, where does he go when he leaves?' Bob looked up, wiped the tears from his eyes and said, 'Your house!'

[Rwahi1]

Sammy...this was one of the best! I was ROFL.

[HUSKER55]