HUMOR

[Rwahi1]

Two blonds living in Oklahoma were sitting on a bench one evening looking at the Moon and talking. One blond says to the other, "Which do you think is further away, Florida or the Moon?"

The second blond rolls her eyes, turns, and replies, "Hellooooooooo, can you see Florida from here?"

[HUSKER55]

Read a good book. Biography of a Tiger Hunt by Claude Balls.

[jerry-g]

A new teacher was trying to make use of her psychology courses. She started her class by saying, 'Everyone who thinks they're stupid, stand up!' After a few seconds, Little Larry stood up. The teacher said, 'Do you think you're stupid, Larry?' 'No, ma'am, but I hate to see you standing there all by yourself!'

Larry watched, fascinated, as his mother smoothed cold cream on her face. 'Why do you do that, mommy?' he asked. 'To make myself beautiful,' said his mother, who then began removing the cream with a tissue. 'What's the matter, asked Larry 'Giving up?'

The math teacher saw that Larry wasn't paying attention in class. She called on him and said, 'Larry! What are 2 and 4 and 28 and 44?' Larry quickly replied, 'NBC, FOX, ESPN and the Cartoon Network!'

Larry's kindergarten class was on a field trip to their local police station where they saw pictures tacked to a bulletin board of the 10 most wanted criminals. One of the youngsters pointed to a picture and asked if it really was the photo of a wanted person. 'Yes,' said the policeman. 'The detectives want very badly to capture him.' Larry asked, "Why didn't you keep him when you took his picture '

If this brightened your day, don't let it stop here. Pass Larry on with a smile. Keep spreading the cheer! Pass him on to your friends!

[DJofSD]

Little Larry attended a horse auction with his father.

He watched as his father moved from horse to horse, running his hands up and down the horse's legs and rump, and chest.

After a few minutes, Larry asked, 'Dad, why are you doing that?'

His father replied, 'Because when I'm buying horses, I have to make sure that they are healthy and in good shape before I buy.

Larry, looking worried, said, 'Dad, I think the UPS guy wants to buy Mom ...'

[Marshall Bennett]

Little Larry peeked in the shower when his dad was showering and took off running to his mother. "Mama, Mama, dad's got 2 huge peaches between his legs". His mother barked "oh yeah? , and did ya see that old dead limb they were hangin off of too ?"

[mostpost]

Subject: The phone call

The phone rings and the lady of the house answers.

"Hello?"

"Mrs. Sanders, please."

"Speaking."

"Mrs. Sanders, this is Dr. Jones at St. Agnes Laboratory. When your husband's doctor sent his biopsy to the lab last week, a biopsy from another Mr. Sanders arrived as well. We are now uncertain which one belongs to your husband. Frankly, either way the results are not too good."

"What do you mean?" Mrs. Sanders asks nervously.

"Well, one of the specimens tested positive for Alzheimer's and the other one tested positive for HIV. We can't tell which is which."

"That's dreadful! Can you do the test again?" questioned Mrs. Sanders.

"Normally we could have, but the new health care system will only pay for these expensive tests just one time."

''Well, what am I supposed to do now?"


"The folks at Obama Health Care recommend that you drop your husband off somewhere in the middle of town. If he finds his way home, don't sleep with him.

[Tom]

A Mother was sick one Saturday, so Dad took the kids to the zoo in her place.
They got to the elephant pit, and one of the young elephants was a bit "aroused" and the kids noticed immediately.

"Daddy, what is that?" asked little Johnny, pointing.

"Uh, uh, that is the elephant's penis." said Dad, caught off guard.

"Little Johnny said, "Mommy said that was nothing!"

"Well," said Dad, " You have to understand your Mommy is a very spoiled women"

[Marshall Bennett]

Originally Posted by mostpost

"The folks at Obama Health Care recommend that you drop your husband off somewhere in the middle of town. If he finds his way home, don't sleep with him.

Good one.

[sammy the sage]

An old Marine Pilot sat down at the Starbucks, still wearing his old USMC flight jacket and ordered a cup of coffee.
As he sat sipping his coffee, a young woman sat down next to him. She turned to the pilot and asked,
Are you a real pilot?
He replied, 'Well, I've spent my whole life flying planes, first Stearmans, then the early Grummans... flew a Wildcat and Corsair in WWII, and later in the Korean conflict, Banshees and Cougars.
I've taught more than 260 people to fly and given rides to hundreds, so I guess I am a pilot, and you, what are you?
She said, 'I'm a lesbian. I spend my whole day thinking about naked women. As soon as I get up in the morning, I think about naked women. When I shower, I think about naked women. When I watch TV, I think about naked women. It seems everything makes me think of naked women.'
The two sat sipping in silence.
A little while later, a young man sat down on the other side of the old pilot and asked:
"Are you a real pilot?"
He replied, 'I always thought I was, but I just found out I'm a lesbian.'

[RunForTheRoses]

John Smith gets home from work one day and finds his wife has been
crying.

"What's wrong?" he asks.

"John, promise you won't get mad, but I went to see the new doctor
today and he told me I've got a pretty pussy."

"WHAT!!" he shouts.

With that he grabs a baseball bat from the closet and storms down to
the doctor's office, straight through the reception. Without knocking
he bursts into the doctor's office. The doctor is in the process of
giving another lady an examination. She screams and tries to cover
herself. Without waiting, John charges up to the doctor, smashes the
baseball bat down on the desk and says, "You flaming pervert, how
dare you say my wife has a pretty pussy!!"

The doctor replies, "I'm sorry Mr. Smith but there has been a
misunderstanding. I told your wife she has Acute Angina."
$$$$$$$$$$$$$$$$$$$$$$$$$$$$$$$$$$$$$$$$$$$$$$$$$$ $$$$

When the gynecologist confirmed her suspicion that she was pregnant,
Ann got a little scared.

"It'll be my first baby," she confessed with a blush," and I don't
actually know the first thing about how babies are delivered."

"Don't worry about a thing," reassured the doctor. "It's really
not all that different from how the baby got started in the
first place."

Startled, Ann exclaimed, "You mean, five tequila shooters and then
a ride in Charlie's truck?"

[RunForTheRoses]

A man finally gets his prescription for Viagra. Eager
to try it out, he takes one as soon as he gets home, and
waits for his wife to come home from work, but in his
excitement he forgets and leaves the package open on
the table and his cockatiel eats all of them. Seeing the
results and panicking the man grabs the bird and stuffs
him into the freezer to cool off.

Unfortunately, his Viagra kicks in just as his wife comes
home and it is hours later before he remembers the cock-
atiel. He runs and looks in the freezer expecting the
worst, only to find the bird breathing heavily, drained
with sweat and totally exhausted.

"What happened?" the man asks. "You were in there for
hours and yet you're not only alive but you're sweating
like crazy?"

The cockatiel pants, "Man, have you ever tried to pry
apart the legs a frozen chicken?"

[HUSKER55]

[jerry-g]

A heartwarming story if I've ever heard one. Enjoy......

Time is like a river. You cannot touch the water twice, because the flow that has passed will never pass again. Enjoy every moment of life. As a bagpiper, I play many gigs. Recently I was asked by a funeral director to play at a graveside service for a homeless man. He had no family or friends, so the service was to be at a pauper's cemetery in the Nova Scotia back country.
As I was not familiar with the backwoods, I got lost and, being a typical man, I didn't stop for directions.
I finally arrived an hour late and saw the funeral guy had evidently gone and the hearse was nowhere in sight. There were only the diggers and crew left and they were eating lunch. I felt badly and apologized to the men for being late.
I went to the side of the grave and looked down and the vault lid was already in place. I didn't know what else to do, so I started to play.
The workers put down their lunches and began to gather around. I played out my heart and soul for this man with no family and friends. I played like I've never played before for this homeless man.
And as I played "Amazing Grace", the workers began to weep. They wept, I wept, we all wept together. When I finished, I packed up my bagpipes and started for my car. Though my head was hung low, my heart was full.
As I opened the door to my car, I heard one of the workers say, "I never seen nothing like that before and I've been putting in septic tanks for twenty years."
Apparently I'm still lost.... it’s a man thing.

[Longshot6977]

"As good as this bar is," said the Scotsman, "I still prefer the pubs back home. In Glasgow, there's a wee place called McTavish's.... The landlord goes out of his way for the locals. When you buy four drinks, he'll buy the fifth drink."

"Well, Angus," said the Englishman, "At my local in London , the Red Lion, the barman will buy you your third drink after you buy the first two."

"Ahhh, dat's nothin'," said Paddy Sheehan, the Irishman. "Back home in me favorite pub in Galway , the moment you set foot in the place, they'll buy you a drink, then another, all the drinks you like, actually. Then, when you've had enough drinks, they'll take you upstairs and see dat you get laid, all on the house!"

The Englishman and Scotsman were suspicious of the claims. "Did this actually happen to you?"

"Not meself, personally, no," admitted the Irishman, "but it did happen to me sister quite a few times."

[RunForTheRoses]

The Parrot
A woman went to a pet shop and immediately spotted a large, beautiful parrot.

There was a sign on the cage that said $50.00.

"Why so little?" she asked the pet store owner.

The owner looked at her and said, "Look, I should tell you first that this bird used to live in a house of prostitution, and sometimes it says some pretty vulgar stuff."


The woman thought about this, but decidedshe had to have the bird anyway. She took it home and hung the bird's cage up in her living room and waited for it to say something.

The bird looked around the room, then at her, and said, "New house, new madam."

The woman was a bit shocked at the implication, but then thought "that's really not so bad."

When her two teenage daughters returned from school, thebird saw them and said, "New house, new madam, new girls."

The girls and the woman were a bit offended but then began to laugh about the situationconsidering how and where the parrot had been raised.

Moments later, the woman's husband Keith came home from work.

The bird looked at him and said, "Hi Keith."