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Old 01-10-2019, 02:13 PM   #1396
ldiatone
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The strong young man at the construction site was bragging that he could outdo anyone in a feat of strength.

He made a special case of making fun of one of the older workmen.

After several minutes, the older worker had had enough.

"Why don't you put your money where your mouth is," he said. "I will bet a week's wages that I can haul something in a wheelbarrow over to that outbuilding that you won't be able to wheel back."

"You're on, old man," the braggart replied. "Let's see what you got."

The old man reached out and grabbed the wheelbarrow by the handles.

Then, nodding to the young man, he said, "All right. Get in."
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Old 01-11-2019, 09:57 AM   #1397
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Man, I would love to sit and have a few beers with you some time!~
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Old 01-11-2019, 08:39 PM   #1398
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Quote:
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Man, I would love to sit and have a few beers with you some time!~
don't know about that Tom...I'm still waiting him to buy my drink...and the dog too...
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Old 01-12-2019, 01:32 PM   #1399
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Man, I would love to sit and have a few beers with you some time!~
ok i'll buy!! next time your in Vegas!!
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Old 01-12-2019, 01:34 PM   #1400
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Originally Posted by sammy the sage View Post
don't know about that Tom...I'm still waiting him to buy my drink...and the dog too...
they let dogs in some bars!! bring the pup along!!
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Old 01-12-2019, 04:45 PM   #1401
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The bars I go to do!
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Old 01-12-2019, 07:28 PM   #1402
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they let dogs in some bars!! bring the pup along!!
sounds like a deal...might be a bitch tho...




By the way...ladies of the board...that is a joke...perhaps off-color...but I ain't the politically correct type...
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Old 01-13-2019, 09:19 PM   #1403
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Skiing...

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Old 02-06-2019, 05:09 PM   #1404
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Harry and Joe are two men working at the local sawmill.

One day, Joe slips and his arm gets caught and severed by the
big bench saw.
Harry quickly puts the limb in a plastic bag and rushes it and Joe
to the local hospital.

Next day, Harry goes to the hospital and asks after Joe
The nurse says, "Oh he's out in Rehab exercising".

Harry couldn't believe it, but there's Joe out the back exercising
his now re-attached arm.
The very next day he's back at work in the saw mill.

A couple of days go by, and then Joe slips and severs his leg
on another blooming big saw.

So Harry puts the limb in a plastic bag and rushes it and Joe
off to Hospital.

Next day he calls in to see him and asks the nurse how he is.
The nurse replies, "He's out in the Rehab again exercising".

And sure enough, there's Joe out there doing some serious work
on the treadmill. And very soon Joe comes back to work.

But, as usual, within a couple of days he has another accident and
severs his head.

Wearily Harry puts the head in a plastic bag and transports it and
Joe to hospital.

Next day he goes in and asks the nurse how Joe is.
The nurse breaks down and cries and says, "He's dead."

Harry is shocked, but not surprised. "I suppose the saw finally did him in."
.
.
.
.
.


"No", says the nurse, "Some dopey b****** put his head in a plastic bag
and he suffocated”
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Old 02-06-2019, 09:18 PM   #1405
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Old 02-07-2019, 08:16 PM   #1406
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So the wife is getting afraid of her husband....he's starting to become almost violent....making threats...breaking stuff....she's getting scared for herself and the pets...the kids are gone....

So she goes to a "Shrink"...She says...Doc....what can I do...he says...I want you to buy a bottle of Jack Daniels....and when your husband starts to get angry....take a shot and slowly swish around in your mouth for as long as you can....and as he calms down...do it again....should only take two...and no...I don't want you to get drunk or anything....

On the way home she stops and buys the bottle....sure enough....that very evening he starts to violet....so she pulls out the bottle and does as the Doctor had said too...swirled the Jack around in her mouth....then as she watched in amazement her hubby started to calm down and chill out...so she had the 2nd shot and did as instructed...lo and behold...every thing went well after that...

She could hardly wait to tell the Doc/shrink the good news the next day...she asked him...why did that work so well.....

Doc replies....well....you shut up didn't you...whilst you were swishing that whiskey.....

Sorry ladies of P.A....but a customer told me that today ...and well...I actually know several...that would probably help out....
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Old 02-08-2019, 08:22 PM   #1407
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Sid and Barney head out for a quick round of golf.

Since they are short on time, they decide to play only 9 holes.

Sid offers Barney, "Let's say we make the time worth the while, at least for one of us, and spot $5 on the lowest score for the day."

Barney agrees and they enjoy a great game.

After the 8th hole, Barney is ahead by one stroke, but cuts his ball into the rough on the 9th.

"Help me find my ball, you look over there," he says to Sid.

After five minutes, neither has had any luck, and since a lost ball carries a four-point penalty, Barney pulls a ball from his pocket and tosses it to the ground. "I've found my ball!" he announces triumphantly.

Sid looks at him forlornly, "After all the years we've been friends, you'd cheat me on golf for a measly five bucks?"

"What do you mean cheat? I found my ball sitting right here!"

"And a liar, too!" Sid says with amazement. "I've been standing on your golf ball for the last five minutes!"
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Old 02-12-2019, 08:33 PM   #1408
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Wives

Bookseller conducting a market survey asked a woman – “Which book has helped you most in your life?” The woman replied, “My husband’s checkbook!!”
--------------------
A prospective husband in a book store “Do you have a book called ‘Husband – the Master of the House?’” Sales girl: “Sir, fiction and comics are on the 1st floor!”
-----------------------------
Someone asked an old man: “Even after 70 years, you still call your wife – Darling, Honey, Luv. What’s the secret?” Old man: “I forgot her name and I’m scared to ask her.”
--------------------------------
Pharmacist to customer: “Sir, please understand, to buy an anti-depression pill you need a proper prescription ... Simply showing marriage certificate and your wife’s picture is not enough!
---------------------------------------------
There are 3 kinds of men in this world. Some remain single and make wonders happen. Some have girlfriends and see wonders happen. Rest get married and wonder what happened!
------------------------------------
Wives are magicians. They can change anything into an argument.
------------------------------------
Why do women live a Better, Longer & Peaceful Life, compared to men? A very INTELLIGENT student replied: “Because women don’t have a wife!”
------------------------------------
Dear Mother-in-law, don’t teach me how to handle my children. I am living with one of yours and he needs a lot of improvement!?
------------------------------
When a married man says, I WILL THINK ABOUT IT - what he really means is that he doesn’t know his wife’s opinion yet.
--------------------------------------------------------
A lady says to her doctor: “My husband has a habit of talking in his sleep! What should I give him to cure it?”

The doctor replies: “Give him an opportunity to speak when he’s awake!”
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Old 02-14-2019, 01:55 AM   #1409
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A congressperson story

Jack, a handsome man, walked into a sports bar around 9:58 pm. He sat down next to Alexandria Ocasio-Cortez at the bar and stared up at the TV as the 10:00 news came on. The news crew was covering a story of a man on a ledge of a large building preparing to jump.

Alexandria looked at Jack and said, "Do you think he'll jump?"
Jack says, "You know what, I bet he will." Alexandria replied, "Well, I bet he won't." Jack placed $30 on the bar and said, "You're on!" Just as she placed her money on the bar, the guy did a swan dive off of the building, falling to his death. She was very upset and handed her $30 to Jack, saying, "Fair's fair... Here's your money."

Jack replied, "I can't take your money, I saw this earlier on the 5 o'clock news and knew he would jump." Alexandria replies, "I did too; but I didn't think he'd do it again."

Jack took the money. Alexandria went back to work at the US Congress.
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Old 02-18-2019, 04:50 PM   #1410
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A thief entered a house mid-afternoon. He tied up the woman and at knife-point asked the man to hand over the jewelry and money. The man started sobbing and said, “You can take anything you want. You can kill me also. But please untie the rope and free her.”

Thief: “You must really love your wife!”

Man: “No, but she will be home shortly”.
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