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Old 08-13-2017, 09:29 PM   #1261
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Buy Sam a drink and get His dog one Too--->mlang

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Old 08-15-2017, 02:57 PM   #1262
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little johnny

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Old 08-18-2017, 11:25 AM   #1263
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Three nuns get into a car accident after Sunday mass.
The three find themselves in front of the gates of heaven.
Mother superior goes to open the gates and is stopped by St. Peter.
"Where do you think you're going?" asks St Peter.
Mother superior says "We just died on our way back from mass."
St. Peter replies, "That's all fine, but to get in you must answer a question."
"Fine!" she says.
St. Peter then says, "Who was the first man every created by God?"
Mother superior smiles and replies, "Why St. Peter, scripture states that God created Adam first."
The bells above the gate start ringing, the doors swing open, and St. Peter says, "Go on in."
He then looks at the second nun and says, "Are you ready for your question."
"Yes" she replies.
St. Peter then asks, "Who was the first woman created?"
She smiles and replies, "Why St. Peter, scripture states that God created Eve after creating Adam."
The bells above the gate start ringing, the doors swing open, and St. Peter says, "Go on in."
He then looks at the young novitiate and asks, "Are you ready for your question?"
The young nun feels extremely confident having heard the previous questions and boldly says, "Yes St. Peter. What is the question?"
St. Peter thinks for a moment, looks her in the eyes and asks, "What were the first words ever said between a man and a woman?"
The young nun's jaw drops at the sheer difficulty of the question and says, "Oh my, that's a hard one!"
The bells above the gate start ringing, the doors swing open, and St. Peter says, "Go on in."
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Old 08-22-2017, 11:40 AM   #1264
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The Kowalski brothers Stan and Casmir were discussing upcoming vacations. Stan said to his brother "You know, Cas, you're always recommending these romantic places to go on vacation but there's always a problem with my wife Magda"

Casmir says "What do you mean, Stan?"

Stan replies "Well first you said go to Paris but at the end of the vacation, Magda found herself pregnant.Then you suggested Rome and again, Magda ends up pregnant.The last time you recommended Hawaii, but once more Magda got pregnant.But this time, things are going to be different."

Casmir asks,"Are you planning to visit a less romantic place"?

Stan replies. "No, this time, I'm bringing Magda with me!"
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Old 08-23-2017, 07:53 PM   #1265
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: A man comes home late one night and tells his wife, "Honey, I was at this saloon called The Gold Door and the door was really gold! And inside was a golden bar! The bartender wore a golden vest! And the tables were gold and a golden-haired waitress in a golden dress served drinks in golden goblets! And most amazing of all. when I went to use the restroom, I went in a golden urinal!"

The wife said that was the most ridiculous story ever for coming home late but the husband swore it was true. For the next few nights, he kept coming home late and telling the wife about the The Gold Door Saloon with the golden bar and the bartender in the golden vest and the golden tables waited on by a golden-haired woman in a golden dress who served drinks in golden goblets and when he went into the restroom, he went in a golden urinal.

Finally, the wife is fed up and looks up the number and calls the establishment in question. A man answers, "Gold Door Saloon."

"Do you really have a gold door at the saloon?" asks the wife.

"Yes, maam, we do."

"Do you actually have a gold bar?"

"Yes, maam, we do."

"And does the bartender really wear a golden vest?"

"Yes, maam, I do."

"And do you really have golden tables served by a golden-haired waitress in a gold dress who serves drinks in golden goblets?"

"Yes, maam, we do."

"And my husband says when he uses the restroom he goes in a golden urinal, is that true?"

The wife hears the bartender yell, "Hey, Ed! I think I got a line on the guy whose been pi-ssing in your sax!"
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Old 08-24-2017, 12:15 AM   #1266
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Bert, 80, always wanted a pair of authentic cowboy boots. So, seeing some on sale, he bought them and wore them home.

Walking proudly, he sauntered into the kitchen and said to his wife, “Notice anything different about me?”

Margaret, 75, looked him over. “Nope.”

Frustrated, Bert stormed off into the bathroom, undressed and walked back into the kitchen completely naked except for the boots.

Again he asked Margaret, a little louder this time, “Notice anything different NOW?”

Margaret looked up and said in her best deadpan, “Bert, what’s different? It’s hanging down today, it was hanging down yesterday, it’ll be hanging down again tomorrow.”

Furious, Bert yelled, “AND DO YOU KNOW WHY IT’S HANGING DOWN, MARGARET?”

“Nope, not a clue,” she replied.

“IT’S HANGING DOWN, BECAUSE IT’S LOOKING AT MY NEW BOOTS!!!!”

Without missing a beat Margaret replied, “Should’a bought a hat, Bert. Should’a bought a hat.”
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Old 08-24-2017, 12:24 AM   #1267
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A woman walked into the kitchen to find her husband standing around with a fly swatter.

"What are you doing?", she asked.

"Hunting Flies", he responded.

"Oh ! Killing any?", she asked.

"Yep, 3 males, 2 Females," he replied.

Intrigued, she inquired, "How can you tell them apart?"

"3 were on a beer can, 2 were on the phone."
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Old 08-24-2017, 09:15 AM   #1268
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Sage advice.....

There is a medical distinction between Guts and Balls.

We've heard colleagues referring to people with Guts, or with Balls. Do they, however, know the difference between them?

Here's the official distinction; straight from the British Medical Journal: Volume 323; page 295.

GUTS - Is arriving home late after a night out with the guys, being met by your wife with a broom, and having the Guts to ask: 'Are you still cleaning, or are you flying somewhere?'

BALLS - Is coming home late after a night out with the guys smelling of perfume and beer, lipstick on your collar, slapping your wife on the butt and having the Balls to say: 'You're next, Chubby.'
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Old 08-25-2017, 08:34 AM   #1269
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Quote:
Originally Posted by reckless View Post
There is a medical distinction between Guts and Balls.

We've heard colleagues referring to people with Guts, or with Balls. Do they, however, know the difference between them?

Here's the official distinction; straight from the British Medical Journal: Volume 323; page 295.

GUTS - Is arriving home late after a night out with the guys, being met by your wife with a broom, and having the Guts to ask: 'Are you still cleaning, or are you flying somewhere?'

BALLS - Is coming home late after a night out with the guys smelling of perfume and beer, lipstick on your collar, slapping your wife on the butt and having the Balls to say: 'You're next, Chubby.'
I fully CONCUR with this....damn funniest thing on here so far!!!
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Old 09-04-2017, 09:53 AM   #1270
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Dan and Jim are golfing and as Dan is about to take his swing, a funeral procession passes by the course.Dan stops, takes off his hat and holds it over his heart until the procession passes.He then returns to take his shot.

Jim says, "Hey, Dan, that was really nice of you to do that and show respect for the dead".

Dan replies " Well, I felt I should.After all, we were married for 25 years".
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Old 09-04-2017, 10:37 AM   #1271
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We've all heard our share of Dumb Blond jokes, right? Well, here's a question for all:

What do you call a blond who is smart? ...











... a Golden Retriever.
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Old 09-10-2017, 07:24 PM   #1272
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funny

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Old 09-10-2017, 08:07 PM   #1273
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These are some funny jokes!
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Old 09-10-2017, 08:15 PM   #1274
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The madam of a house of ill repute hears the doorbell ring, so she goes tot he door and looks out the peephole.

A man is standing there, on crutches, both legs incast, both arms in casts and slings, a neck brace, and a body cast.

"What do you want?" she asks.
"I want some action!" he replies.
"Look at you!" she says. "What do you think you could possibly do?"

He replied, "What do you think I'm ringing the bell with?"
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Old 09-10-2017, 08:19 PM   #1275
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: Do infants enjoy their infancy as much as adults enjoy their adultery ?

"I am" is reportedly the shortest sentence in the English language. "I do" is probably the longest.

If a pig loses its voice is it disgruntled ?

If Fed Ex and UPS merged, would it be called Fedup ?

The Wurlitzer organ company and xerox are merging. They will soon be making
reproductive organs.

Last night I played a blank tape at full blast. The mime next door went crazy.

Circumcision for a rabbit - a hare cut.

Insanity is hereditary. You get it from your kids.

A Pessimist is some one who thinks that all women are bad.
An optimist is some one who hopes they are.

Reality is the only obstacle to happiness.

Jesus loves you. Every one else thinks you're an idiot.

I'm not afraid of death.I just don't want to be there when it happens.

Jack the Ripper's mother to her son : "Why don't I ever see you with the same girl twice ?"

Florida is a great place to live - if you're an orange !

Computer dating is great - if you're a computer !

Beverly Hills is so exclusive that when a woman has a baby, her Perrier breaks !

The inner city high school I went to was so tough, the student newspaper had an obituary column !

She has the reputation of being outspoken- by no one !

If you don't like the way women drive, get off the sidewalk !

The wheel was man's greatest invention - until he got behind it !

Phyllis Diller : "A peeping Tom called me the other day. He asked me to lower my shade . "

A & P and Stop-N-Shop are merging in order to start "Stop-N-Pee."

Remember the poor - it costs nothing !

The difference between California and yogurt is that yogurt has an active culture.

What has 175 legs and five teeth ? The front row at a Wilie Nelson concert !

Pollution is so bad in New York, the Statue of Liberty is holding her nose !

Crime is so bad in New York, the Statue of Liberty has her arms up !

Crime is so bad in new York, a police dog got mugged by a gang of squirrels
in central park !
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