HUMOR

[sammy the sage]

Originally Posted by magwell

A man was looking for a place to sit in a crowded university library. He asked a girl: "Do you mind if I sit beside you? The girl replied, in a loud voice "NO, I DON'T WANT TO SPEND THE NIGHT WITH YOU!"

All the people in the library started staring at the man, who was deeply embarrassed and moved to another table.

After a couple of minutes, the girl walked quietly to the man's table and said with a laugh: "I study psychology, and I know what a man is thinking; I bet you felt embarrassed, right?"

The man responded in a loud voice: 500 FOR ONE NIGHT? ..... I`M NOT PAYING YOU THAT MUCH!"

All the people in the library looked at the girl in shock.

The man whispered to her: "I study law, and I know how to screw people".

a CLASSIC

[johnhannibalsmith]

Originally Posted by sammy the sage

a CLASSIC

Must agree.

[reckless]

1) I was devastated to find out my wife was having an affair but, by turning to religion, I was soon able to come to terms with this entire mess. I converted to Islam and we're stoning her in the morning!

2) The wife suggested I get myself one of those penis enlargers. So I did. She's 21, and her name's Kathy.

3) A man calls 911 and says "I think my wife is dead".
The operator says, "How do you know?"
The man answers "Well, the sex is the same, but the dishes are piling up!"

4) My wife has been missing over a week now. The police said to prepare for the worst so I returned to Goodwill to get all of her clothes back.

[myhorse1]

A big corporation recently hired several cannibals in the interest of cultural diversity.
You are all part of our team now," said the HR rep during the welcoming briefing. "You get all the usual benefits and you can go to the cafeteria for something to eat, but please don't eat any of the other employees."

The cannibals promised they would not. Four weeks later, their boss remarked, "You're all working very hard and I'm satisfied with you. However, one of our shipping clerks has disappeared. Do any of you know what happened to her?" The cannibals all shook their heads no.

After the boss left, the leader of the cannibals said to the others, "Which one of you idiots ate the shipping clerk ?" A hand rose hesitantly, to which the leader of the cannibals continued, "You fool --- for 4 weeks we've been eating managers and no one noticed anything.

But Noooooo, you had to go and eat someone who actually does something!!

[ldiatone]

[Rookies]

WORLD WAR III
> IN THE PLANNING STAGES

Donald Trump and Bernie Sanders are sitting in a bar. A guy walks in and asks the barman, 'Isn't that Trump and Sanders sitting over there?' The bartender says, 'Yep, that's them.' So the guy walks over and says, 'Wow, this is a real honour! What are you guys doing in here?'

Trump says, 'We're planning WW III.'

The guy says, 'Really? What's going to happen?'

Trump says, 'Well, we're going to kill 140 million Muslims and one blonde with big boobs.'

The guy exclaimed, 'A blonde with big boobs? Why kill a blonde with big tits?'

Trump turns to Sanders and says, 'See, I told you, no one gives a shit about the 140 million Muslims.

[myhorse1]

John Glenn...
As I hurtled through space, one thought kept crossing my mind - every part of this rocket was supplied by the lowest bidder.
************************************************** ************

~ Desmond Tutu...
When the white missionaries came to Africa they had the Bible and we had the land.
They said 'Let us pray.' We closed our eyes.
When we opened them we had the Bible and they had the land.

************************************************** ************
~ David Letterman....
America is the only country where a significant proportion of the population believes that professional wrestling is real but the moon landing was faked.

************************************************** ************
~ Howard Hughes....
I'm not a paranoid, deranged millionaire. God dammit, I'm a billionaire.
************************************************** ************

~ Old Italian proverb...
After the game, the King and the pawn go into the same box.
************************************************** ************

~ Betsy Salkind....
Men are like linoleum floors. Lay 'em right and you can walk all over them for thirty years.
************************************************** ************

~ Jean Kerr...
The only reason they say 'Women and children first' is to test the strength of the lifeboats.
************************************************** ************

~ Zsa Zsa Gabor....
I've been married to a communist and a fascist, and neither would take out the garbage.
************************************************** ************

~ Jeff Foxworthy...
You know you're a redneck if your home has wheels and your car doesn't.
************************************************** ************

~ Prince Philip...
When a man opens a car door for his wife, it's either a new car or a new wife.
************************************************** ************
~ Emo Philips...
A computer once beat me at chess, but it was no match for me at kickboxing.

[myhorse1]

~ Harrison Ford....
Wood burns faster when you have to cut and chop it yourself.
************************************************** ************

~ Spike Milligan...
The best cure for Sea Sickness, is to sit under a tree.
************************************************** ************

~ Robin Hall...
Lawyers believe a person is innocent until proven broke.
************************************************** ************

~ Jean Rostand...
Kill one man and you're a murderer, kill a million and you're a conqueror.
************************************************** ************

~ Arnold Schwarzenegger...
Having more money doesn't make you happier. I have 50 million dollars but I'm just as happy as when I had 48 million.
************************************************** ************

~ WH Auden...
We are here on earth to do good unto others. What the others are here for, I have no idea.
************************************************** ************

~ Jonathan Katz....
In hotel rooms I worry. I can't be the only guy who sits on the furniture naked.

~ Johnny Carson...
If life were fair, Elvis would still be alive today and all the impersonators would be dead.

************************************************** ***********

~ Warren Tantum.... (School photo album).
I don't believe in astrology. I am a Sagittarius and we're very skeptical.
************************************************** ************

~ Steve Martin...
Hollywood must be the only place on earth where you can be fired by a man wearing a Hawaiian shirt and a baseball cap.
************************************************** ************

~ Jimmy Durante....
Home cooking. Where many a man thinks his wife is.
************************************************** ************

~ George Roberts....
The first piece of luggage on the carousel never belongs to anyone.
************************************************** ************

~ Jonathan Winters...
If God had intended us to fly he would have made it easier to get to the airport.

[RunForTheRoses]

A woman walks into a tattoo parlor... "Do you do
custom work?" she asks the artist.

"Why of course!" says the tattoo artist.

"Good," she says. "I'd like a portrait of Robert
Redford on the inside of my right thigh, and a
portrait of Paul Newman on the inside of my
left thigh. And I want them both looking at
my tootie."

"No problem," says the artist. "Strip from the waist
down and get up on the table." After two hours of
hard work, the artist finishes.

The woman sits up and examines the tattoos.
"That doesn't look like them!" she complains
loudly.

"Oh yes it does," the artist says indignantly, "and I
can prove it." With that, he runs out of the shop
and grabs the first man off the street he can find;
it happens to be the town drunk.

"Well, what do you think?" the woman asks,
]spreading her legs apart for the drunk man. "Do
you know who these men are?" The drunk studys
the tattoos for a couple of seconds and says, "I'm
not sure who the guys on either side are, but the
fellow in the middle is definitely Willie Nelson!"

[RunForTheRoses]

Two bowling teams, one of all Blondes and one of all
Brunettes, charter a double-decker bus for a weekend
bowling tournament in Atlantic City. The Brunette team
rides in the bottom of the bus. The Blonde team rides
on the top level.

The Brunette team down below is whooping it up having
a great time, when one of them realises she doesn't
hear anything from the Blondes upstairs.

She decides to go up and investigate. When the Brunette
reaches the top, she finds all the Blondes frozen in
fear, staring straight-ahead at the road, and clutching
the seats in front of them with white knuckles.

She says, "What the heck's goin' on up here? We're havin'
a grand time downstairs!" One of the Blondes looks up
and says, "Yeah, but you've got a driver!"

$$$$$$$$$$$$$$$$$$$$$$$$$$$$$$$$$$$$$$$$$$$$$$$$$$ $$$$

A priest was send to a very small church in the
backwoods of Alaska. After a couple of years, the Bishop
decided to pay the priest a visit to see how he was doing.

The priest said that it was a really lonely job and that he
couldn't have made it without his Rosary and two martinis
each day.

With that, the priest asked the Bishop, "Would you like
to have a martini with me?"

[RunForTheRoses]

B.B. King's wife decides that she is going to make his
birthday especially memorable this year. The day before the
party, she goes out and gets B.B.'s initials tattooed on
her ass, one letter on each cheek.

The next night, after his big birthday dinner with friends
in his favorite restaurant, they go home. As soon as B.B.
sits down in his favorite chair, his wife walks up to him
and announces, "I have a big surprise for you."

With that, she turns around, pulls up her dress, drops her
panties and bends over.

B.B. stares for a moment at the posterior just inches from
his face, and asks, "Who's Bob?"

[myhorse1]

There were eleven people hanging onto a rope that came down from a plane.

Ten were blonde, and one was a brunette.

They all decided that one person should get off because if they

didn't, then the rope would break and everyone would die. No

one could decide who should go, so finally the brunette said,

"I'll get off." After a really touching speech from the

brunette saying she would get off, all of the blondes started

clapping.

[Shemp Howard]

A Scot was drinking in a bar in London when he gets a call on his cell phone.
He orders drinks for everybody in the bar as he announces, his wife has just produced a typical Scottish baby boy weighing 25 pounds.

Nobody can believe that any new baby can weigh in at 25 pounds, but the man just shrugs, "That's about average up our way, folks...like I said - my boy's a typical Highland baby boy."

Two weeks later the man returns to the bar. The bartender says, "Say, you're the father of that typical Scottish baby that weighed 25 pounds at birth, aren't you?
Everybody's been making bets about how big he'd be in two weeks.....so how much does he weigh now?

The proud father answers, "Seventeen pounds."

The bartender is puzzled and concerned. "What happened? He was 25 pounds the day he was born.."

The father takes a slow swig from his Johnny Walker Whisky, wipes his lips on his shirt sleeve, leans into the bartender and proudly says, "Had him circumcised."

[Rookies]

Many years ago, in my younger days, I accidentally overturned my golf cart.

Elizabeth, a very attractive and keen golfer, who lived in a villa on the golf course, heard the noise and called out: "Are you okay, what's your name?"

"It's John, and I'm okay thanks," I replied as I pulled myself out of the twisted cart.
"John, she said, (firm loose breasts undulating beneath her white silky robe) "forget your troubles. Come to my villa, rest a while and I'll help you get the cart up later."

"That's mighty nice of you," I answered, "but I don't think my wife would like it."
"Oh, come on now " Elizabeth insisted.
She was so very pretty, very very sexy and very persuasive ... I was weak. "Well okay," I finally agreed, but thought to myself, "my wife won't like it."

After a couple of restorative Scotch and waters, I thanked Elizabeth. "I feel a lot better now, but I know my wife is going to be really upset. So I'd best go now."

"Don't be silly!" Elizabeth said with a smile, letting her robe fall open slightly. "She won't know anything. By the way, where is she?"

"Still under the cart, I guess" I said.

[Dave Schwartz]

An 83-year old man, who had recently taken an 18-year old wife, was having a few drinks in a local pub. His cronies were trying to get him to discuss his wedding night and, after tossing back a few shots, agreed to tell the story.

"Well," he begins, "After the wedding my youngest son carried me up the stairs and put me on the bed with my young wife."

After skipping most of the details, he went on to say, "In the morning my 3 eldest sons carried me down the stairs for breakfast."

"Wait! Wait!" says one of the cronies. "Why did it take just one son to carry you upstairs and 3 to carry you down in the morning?"

The man looks at his awestruck friends and says, very proudly, "Because I fought them."