HUMOR

[The Judge]

An elderly couple was on a cruise and it was really stormy. They were standing on the back of the boat watching the storm, when a wave came up and washed the old man overboard. They searched for days and couldn’t find him, so the captain sent the old woman back to shore with the promise that he would notify her as soon as they found something. Three weeks went by, and finally the old woman got a fax from the boat. It read: “Ma’am, sorry to inform you, we found your husband dead at the bottom of the ocean. W hauled him up to the deck and attached to his butt was an oyster and in it was a pearl worth $50,000.” Please advise. The old woman faxed back: “Send me the pearl and re-bait the trap.”

[ldiatone]

A cabby picks up a nun on Halloween night. As they drive through town he eyes her nervously from time to time, until she finally asks: "what is it, my son?"
"Well, madame, I have to confess that I'd really like to kiss you, because I've never kissed a nun."
"Tell me, are you a good catholic?"
"Oh yes, I've been a good catholic man my whole life!"

Without hesitating, the nun gives the cabby a kiss that would make a hooker blush. Less than a minute later, the cabby begins sobbing.

"What's the matter?"
"I feel terrible, because I'm not really catholic. In fact, I'm Jewish."
"That's okay. My name's Kevin, and I'm on my way to a Halloween party."

[reckless]

One Saturday a teenager went to his Parish to say Confession. Here's how it went down:

'Bless me Father, for I have sinned. I have been with a loose girl.'

The priest asks, 'Is that you, little Joey Pagano?' 'Yes, Father, it is.'

'And who was the girl you were with?'
'I can't tell you, Father, I don't want to ruin her reputation.'

"Well, Joey, I'm sure to find out her name sooner or later so you may as well tell me now. Was it Tina Minetti?"
'I cannot say.'

'Was it Teresa Mazzarelli?'
'I'll never tell.'

'Was it Nina Capelli?'
'I'm sorry, but I cannot name her.'

'Was it Cathy Piriano?'
'My lips are sealed Father.'

'Well then, was it Rosa DiAngelo?'
'Please, Father, I cannot tell you.'

The priest sighs in frustration. 'You're very tight lipped, Joey, and I admire that. But you've sinned and you have to atone. You cannot be an altar boy now for 4 months. Go and behave yourself.'

Joey walks back to his pew, when his best buddy moves toward him and softly whispers: 'What did Father say? What did you get?'

Said Joey: 'Four month's vacation and five excellent leads.'

[Longshot6977]

Another short clip of Trump. This time he's the president of the he-man woman haters club. Watch this short clip.

http://www.vanityfair.com/news/2015/...ocial_facebook

[magwell]

https://www.youtube.com/embed/VO8xCE94vA4

[ldiatone]

And That's When the Fight Started."

I bought my mother-in-law a cemetery plot for a Christmas gift. Next year I didn't get her anything. She asked me "How come you didn't get me a Christmas gift?"
I said, "You still haven't used the one I got you last year!"
And that's when the fight started..

My wife was looking in the mirror. She said, "I look awful. Old, fat, wrinkly, flabby. I need you to pay me a compliment."
I said, "Your eyesight's darn near perfect."
And that's when the fight started..

I accidentally rear-ended someone in traffic. We pulled over, and then he got out of his car. And you know what was funny? He was a midget! Practically a dwarf! He was angry. He got out, slammed the door, stormed over to me and yelled, "I AM NOT HAPPY!!"
I said, "Well then, which one are you?"
And that's when the fight started..

Was watching TV. The wife comes and sits down beside me and asks, "What's on TV?"
I said, "Dust."
And that's when the fight started..

My mother-in-law insisted I take her out to dinner, so I did. The waiter came around and took my order first. I said, "I'll have the rump steak, please. He said, "You're not worried about the mad cow?"
"Nah, she can order for herself."
And that's when the fight started..

[johnhannibalsmith]

Originally Posted by ldiatone

...
I said, "Well then, which one are you?"
...

That one made me cough up cheddar cheese Goldfish fragments.

[ldiatone]

funny

[myhorse1]

A local business was looking for office help. They put a sign in the window, stating the following: "HELP WANTED. Must be able to type, must be good with a computer and must be bilingual. We are an Equal Opportunity Employer."

A short time afterwards, a dog trotted up to the window, saw the sign and went inside. He looked at the receptionist and wagged his tail, then walked over to the sign, looked at it and whined.

Getting the idea, the receptionist got the office manager. The office manager looked at the dog and was surprised, to say the least. However, the dog looked determined, so he lead him into the office. Inside, the dog jumped up on the chair and stared at the manager.

The manager said "I can't hire you. The sign says you have to be able to type." The dog jumped down, went to the typewriter and proceeded to type out a perfect letter. He took out the page and trotted over to the manager and gave it to him, then jumped back on the chair.

The manager was stunned, but then told the dog "the sign says you have to be good with a computer." The dog jumped down again and went to the computer. The dog proceeded to enter and execute a perfect program, that worked flawlessly the first time.

By this time the manager was totally dumb-founded! He looked at the dog and said "I realize that you are a very intelligent dog and have some interesting abilities. However, I still can't give you the job."

The dog jumped down and went to a copy of the sign and put his paw on the sentences that told about being an Equal Opportunity Employer. The manager said "yes, but the sign *also* says that you have to be bilingual."

The dog looked at the manager calmly and said, "Meow!"

[ldiatone]

Why couldn't Beethoven find his teacher?
Because his teacher was Haydn.

Why did Beethoven get rid of his chickens?
Because they kept saying "Bach, Bach, Bach!"

What did the conductor say when he lost his baton?
"Go Telemann I've lost my baton."

What does the average human say when he reads these kinds of jokes?
"Man, these jokes are so bad, I can't Handel them."

[myhorse1]

A 4 year-old's first paycheck

Here's a truly heartwarming story about the bond formed between a little 4-year-old girl & some construction workers that will make you believe that we all can make a difference when we give a child the gift of our time.

A young family moved into a house, next to a vacant lot. One day, a construction crew turned up to start building a house on the empty lot. The young family's 4-year-old daughter naturally took an interest in all the activity going on next door and spent much of each day observing the workers.

Eventually the construction crew, all of them "gems-in-the-rough," more or less adopted her as a kind of project mascot.
They chatted with her, let her sit with them while they had coffee and lunch breaks, & gave her little jobs to do here and there to make her feel important.
At the end of the first week, they even presented her with a pay envelope containing ten dollars.

The little girl took this home to her mother who suggested that she take her 10 dollars "pay" she'd received to the bank the next day to start a savings account.
When the girl and her mom got to the bank, the teller was equally impressed & asked the little girl how she had come by her very own pay check at such a young age.

The little girl proudly replied, "I worked last week with a real construction crew building the new house next door to us."

"Oh my goodness gracious," said the teller, "and will you be working on the house again this week, too?"


The little girl replied,"I will, if those assholes at Home Depot ever deliver the fu*king drywall!

[Tom]

Originally Posted by ldiatone

Why couldn't Beethoven find his teacher?
Because his teacher was Haydn.

Why did Beethoven get rid of his chickens?
Because they kept saying "Bach, Bach, Bach!"

What did the conductor say when he lost his baton?
"Go Telemann I've lost my baton."

What does the average human say when he reads these kinds of jokes?
"Man, these jokes are so bad, I can't Handel them."

A year after his death, a body snatched dug up his grave, hoping to make some money of the great one's unfinished music, reportedly buried with him.

As he opened the lid to the coffin, he saw Beethoven, sitting up, erasing the notes off from some sheet music. He looked up at the would be thief and declared, "Get out of here! Close the lid! Can't you see I'm decomposing?"

[Rookies]

Movin South...

Florida
A Florida senior citizen drove his brand new Corvette convertible out of the dealership. Taking off down the road, he pushed it to 80 mph, enjoying the wind blowing through what little hair he had left. "Amazing,” he thought as he flew down I-95, pushing the pedal even more.
Looking in his rear view mirror, he saw a Florida State Trooper, blue lights flashing and siren blaring. He floored it to 100 mph, then 110, then 120. Suddenly he thought, “What am I doing? I’m too old for this!” and pulled over to await the trooper’s arrival.
Pulling in behind him, the trooper got out of his vehicle and walked up to the Corvette. He looked at his watch, then said, “Sir, my shift ends in 30 minutes. Today is Friday. If you can give me a new reason for speeding – a reason I’ve never before heard – I’ll let you go.”
The old gentleman paused then said, “Three years ago, my wife ran off with a Florida State Trooper. I thought you were bringing her back.”
“Have a good day, Sir,” replied the trooper.

Georgia
The owner of a golf course in Georgia was confused about paying an invoice, so he decided to ask his secretary for some mathematical help.
He called her into his office and said, “Y’all graduated from the University of Georgia and I need some help. If I wuz to give yew $20,000, minus 14%, how much would you take off?”
The secretary thought a moment, and then replied, “Everthang but my earrings.”

Louisiana
A senior citizen in Louisiana was overheard saying, “When the end of the world comes, I hope to be in Louisiana.”
”When asked why, he replied, “I’d rather be in Louisiana ‘cause everythang happens in Louisiana 20 years later than in the rest of the world.”

Mississippi
The young man from Mississippi came running into the store and said to his buddy, “Bubba, somebody just stole your pickup truck from the parking lot!”
Bubba replied, “Did y’all see who it was?”
The young man answered, “I couldn’t tell, but I got the license number.”

North Carolina
A man in North Carolina had a flat tire, pulled off on the side of the road, and proceeded to put a bouquet of flowers in front of the car and one behind it. Then he got back in the car to wait.
A passerby studied the scene as he drove by, and was so curious he turned around and went back. He asked the fellow what the problem was. The man replied, “I got a flat tahr.”
The passerby asked, “But what’s with the flowers?”
The man responded, “When you break down they tell you to put flares in the front and flares in the back. I never did understand it neither.”

Tennessee
A Tennessee State trooper pulled over a pickup on I-65. The trooper asked, “Got any ID?”
The driver replied, “Bout whut?”

Texas
The Sheriff pulled up next to the guy unloading garbage out of his pick-up into the ditch. The Sheriff asked, “Why are you dumping garbage in the ditch? Don’t you see that sign right over your head.”
“Yep,” he replied. “That’s why I’m dumpin’ it here, ‘cause it says: ‘Fine For Dumping Garbage.’”

(Y’all kin say whut y’all want ‘about the South, but y’all never heard o’ nobody retirin’ an’ movin’ North.)

[PhantomOnTour]

Ivy League grad just arrived in Mississippi to start his new job.

A local says, "Hey man, where did you go to college"
Ivy Leaguer says, "Yale"
Local says, "WHERE-DID-YOU-GO-TO-COLLEGE!!! "

[magwell]

A man was looking for a place to sit in a crowded university library. He asked a girl: "Do you mind if I sit beside you? The girl replied, in a loud voice "NO, I DON'T WANT TO SPEND THE NIGHT WITH YOU!"

All the people in the library started staring at the man, who was deeply embarrassed and moved to another table.

After a couple of minutes, the girl walked quietly to the man's table and said with a laugh: "I study psychology, and I know what a man is thinking; I bet you felt embarrassed, right?"

The man responded in a loud voice: 500 FOR ONE NIGHT? ..... I`M NOT PAYING YOU THAT MUCH!"

All the people in the library looked at the girl in shock.

The man whispered to her: "I study law, and I know how to screw people".