HUMOR

[tucker6]

A man was eating in a fancy restaurant, and there was a gorgeous blonde eating at the next table. He had been checking her out all night, but lacked the nerve to go talk to her.

Suddenly she sneezed and her glass eye went flying out of her socket towards the man. With his quick reflexes, he caught it in mid-air.

"Oh my god, I am sooooo sorry," the woman said as she popped her eye back in the socket. "Let me buy you dinner to make it up to you."

They enjoyed a wonderful dinner together and afterwards the woman invited him back to her place for a drink.

They went back to her house, and after a bit she brought him into the bedroom and began undressing him. The couple had wild, passionate sex many times during the night.

The next morning when he awoke, she had already gotten up and brought him breakfast in bed.

The guy was amazed. "You know, you are the perfect woman. Are you this nice to every guy you meet?"

"No, she replied....You just happened to catch my eye!"

[Ocala Mike]

[reckless]

A Jewish Bookie was at the races playing the ponies and losing his shirt.

He noticed a Priest step out onto the track and blessed the forehead of one of the horses lining up for the 4th race.

Lo and behold, that horse - a long shot - won the race.

Next race, as the horses lined up, the Priest stepped onto the track.
Sure enough, he blessed one of the horses.

The bookie made a beeline for a betting window and placed a small bet on the horse.
Again, even though it was another long shot, the horse won the race.

He collected his winnings, and anxiously waited to see which horse the Priest would bless next.
He bet big on it, and it won.

As the races continued the Priest kept blessing horses, and each one ended up winning.

The bookie was elated. He made a quick dash to the ATM, withdrew all his savings, and waited for the Priest's blessing that would tell him which horse to bet on.

True to his pattern, the Priest stepped onto the track for the last race and blessed the forehead of an old nag that was 100/1. This time the priest blessed the eyes, ears, and hooves of the old nag.

The bookie knew he had a winner and bet every cent he owned on the old nag.

He watched dumbfounded as the old nag pulled up and couldn't even finish the race.

In a state of shock, he went to the track area where the Priest was.
Confronting him, he demanded, 'Father! What happened?
All day long you blessed horses and they all won.
Then in the last race, the horse you blessed never even had a chance.
Now, thanks to you I've lost every cent of my savings!'.

The Priest nodded wisely and with sympathy.
"You are not Catholic are you my son?"

"No, I'm Jewish"

"That's the problem", said the Priest, "you couldn't tell the difference between a blessing and last rites".

[PhantomOnTour]

I had a great joke to tell y'all about the Jonestown tragedy, but I forgot the punchline

[tucker6]

Bubba dies in a fire and his body is pretty badly burned. The morgue sends for his two best friends, Daryl and Gomer, to identify the body.

Daryl arrives first, and when the mortician pulls back the sheet, Daryl says, "Yup, his face is burnt up pretty bad. You better roll him over."

The mortician rolls him over, and Daryl says, "Nope, ain't Bubba."

The mortician thinks this is strange. Then he brings Gomer in to identify the body. Gomer takes a look at the face and says, "Yup, he's pretty well burnt up. Roll him over."

The mortician rolls him over and Gomer says, "No, it ain't Bubba."

The mortician asks, "How can you tell?"

Gomer said, "Well, Bubba had two a**holes."

"What? He had two a**holes?!" exclaims the mortician.

"Yup, every time we went to town, folks would say, 'Here comes Bubba with them two a**holes.'"

[myhorse1]

ON TURNING 70
'I still chase women, but only downhill.'

ON TURNING 80
'That's the time of your life when even your birthday suit needs pressing.'

ON TURNING 90
'You know you're getting old when the candles cost more than the cake.'

ON TURNING 100
'I don't feel old. In fact, I don't feel anything until noon. Then it's time for my nap.'

ON GIVING UP HIS EARLY CAREER, BOXING
'I ruined my hands in the ring. The referee kept stepping on them.'

ON NEVER WINNING AN OSCAR
'Welcome to the Academy Awards, or, as it's called at my home, 'Passover.'

ON GOLF
'Golf is my profession. Show business is just to pay the green fees.'

ON PRESIDENTS
'I have performed for 12 presidents but entertained only six.'

ON WHY HE CHOSE SHOWBIZ FOR HIS CAREER
'When I was born, the doctor said to my mother, congratulations, you have an eight pound ham.'

ON RECEIVING THE CONGRESSIONAL GOLD MEDAL
'I feel very humble, but I think I have the strength of character to fight it.'

ON HIS FAMILY'S EARLY POVERTY
'Four of us slept in the one bed. When it got cold, mother threw on another brother.'

ON HIS SIX BROTHERS
'That's how I learned to dance. Waiting for the bathroom.'

ON HIS EARLY FAILURES
'I would not have had anything to eat if it wasn't for the stuff the audience threw at me.'

ON GOING TO HEAVEN
'I've done benefits for ALL religions. I'd hate to blow the hereafter on a technicality.'

[NorCalGreg]

A big, tough-looking guy walks into a bar, orders a beer, downs it. Slams mug down on bar, says "Everyone on this side of the room is a DOUCHE BAG." No one moves.

Orders another beer, downs it. Slams mug down on bar, says "Everyone on that side of the room is a LITTLE BITCH". No one moves, until after a moment, a nerdy looking guy starts to cross the room.

The tough guy grabs him, throws him against the bar, says "WHERE DO YOU THINK YOU'RE GOING?"

"Sorry, sir, but I was on the wrong side of the room."

[sammy the sage]

At the National Art Gallery , in Dublin Ireland, a Canadian couple were staring at a portrait that had them completely confused. The painting depicted three black men, totally naked, sitting on a park bench. Two of the figures had black penises but the one in the middle, had a pink penis. The curator of the gallery realized that they were having trouble interpreting the painting and offered his assessment.


He went on for over half an hour explaining how it depicted the sexual emasculation of the black man in a predominately white, patriarchal society. “In fact,” he pointed out, “some serious critics believe that the pink penis also reflects the cultural and sociological oppression experienced by gay men in contemporary society.”


After the curator left, an Irish man approached the couple and said,“Would you like to know what the painting is really about?” “Now why would you claim to be more of an expert than the curator of the gallery?” asked the husband. “Because I’m the guy who painted it.” he replied.

”In fact, there are no black men depicted at all. They’re just three regular Irish coal miners. The guy in the middle went home for lunch."

[plainolebill]

A gorgeous young redhead goes into the doctor's office and said that her body hurt wherever she touched it.

"Impossible!" says the doctor. "Show me."

The redhead took her finger, pushed on her left breast and screamed, then she pushed her elbow and screamed in even more. She pushed her knee and screamed; likewise she pushed her ankle and screamed. Everywhere she touched made her scream.

The doctor said, "You're not really a redhead, are you?

"Well, no" she said, "I'm actually a blonde."

"I thought so," the doctor said. "Your finger is broken."

[PhantomOnTour]

What do you call a poorly performed circumcision?

A ripoff

[shots]

Good one 😀

[sammy the sage]

A bookseller conducting a market survey asked a woman – “Which book has helped you most in your life?” The woman replied – “My husband’s cheque book !!”

A prospective husband in a book store “Do you have a book called, ‘Husband – the Master of the House’?
Sales Girl : “Sir, Fiction and Comics are on the 1st floor!”.

Someone asked an old man : “Even after 70 years, you still call your wife – Darling, Honey, Luv. What’s the secret ?
Old man : I forgot her name and I’m scared to ask her.

A man in Hell asked the Devil : Can I make a call to my Wife ?
After making the call he asked how much he had to pay.
Devil : Nothing. Hell to hell is Free.

Wife : I wish I was a newspaper. So I’d be in your hands all day.
Husband : I too wish that you were a newspaper. So I could have a new one every day !

Husband to wife – Today is a fine day. Next day he says : Today is a fine day. Again next day, he says same thing – Today is a fine day. Finally after a week, the wife can’t take it and asks her husband – since last week, you have been saying “Today is a fine day’. I am fed up. What’s the matter?
Husband : Last week when we had an argument, you said, “I will leave you one fine day.” I was just trying to remind you……"

[reckless]

Jane and Arlene are outside their nursing home, having a drink and a smoke, when it starts to rain. Jane pulls out a condom, cuts off the end, puts it over her cigarette, and continues smoking.

Arlene: What in the hell is that?
Jane: A condom. This way my cigarette doesn't get wet.

Arlene: Where did you get it?
Jane: You can get them at any pharmacy.

The next day, Arlene hobbles herself into the local pharmacy and announces to the pharmacist that she wants a box of condoms. The pharmacist, obviously embarrassed, looks at her kind of strangely (she is, after all, over 80 years of age), but very delicately asks what size, texture, brand of condom that she prefers.

'Doesn't matter young man, as long as it fits on a Camel.'
The pharmacist fainted.

[Tom]

.

[zico20]

I saw this on a message board. Thought it was a classic.

I Just realized something:
My dog sleeps about 20 hours a day.
He has his food prepared for him.
His meals are provided at no cost to him.
He visits the Doctor once a year for his checkup
and again during the year, if any medical needs
arise. For this he pays nothing, and nothing is
required of him.

He lives in a nice neighborhood in a house that
is much larger than he needs, but he is not
required to do any upkeep. If he
makes a mess, someone else cleans it up.

He has his choice of luxurious places to sleep.

He receives these accommodations absolutely free.
He is living like a king and has absolutely
no expenses whatsoever.

All of his costs are picked up by others who earn a living.

He spends his mostly unproductive day looking for handouts.

I was just thinking about all this, and suddenly
it hit me like a ton of bricks …………

MY dog is a Liberal Progressive DemocRAT!!!