HUMOR

[Rookies]

Life just gets better as you get older, doesn't it?
I was in Tim Hortons recently when my stomach started rumbling
and I realized that I desperately needed to fart.
The place was packed but the music was really loud so to get relief and
reduce embarrassment, I timed my farts to the beat of the music.
After a couple of songs I started to feel much better.
I finished my coffee and noticed everyone was staring at me.
I suddenly remembered that I was listening to my iPod.

This is what happens when old people start using technology.

[Rookies]

Eight words with 2 meanings...

1. THINGY (thing-ee) n.
Female... Any part under a car's hood.
Male....... The strap fastener on a woman's bra.

2. VULNERABLE (vul-ne-ra-bel) adj.
Female... Fully opening up one's self emotionally to another.
Male....... Playing football without a cup.

3. COMMUNICATION (ko-myoo-ni-kay-shon) n.
Female... The open sharing of thoughts and feelings with one's partner.
Male…… Leaving a note before taking off on a fishing trip with the boys.

4. COMMITMENT (ko- mit-ment) n.
Female... A desire to get married and raise a family.
Male....... Trying not to hit on other women while out with this one.

5. ENTERTAINMENT (en-ter-tayn-ment) n.
Female... A good movie, concert, play or book.
Male....... Anything that can be done while drinking beer.

6. FLATULENCE (flach-u-lens) n.
Female... An embarrassing by-product of indigestion.
Male....... A source of entertainment, self-expression, male bonding.

7 MAKING LOVE (may-king luv) n.
Female... The greatest expression of intimacy a couple can achieve.
Male...... Call it whatever you want, just as long as we do it.

8. REMOTE CONTROL (ri-moht kon-trohl) n.
Female... A device for changing from one TV channel to another.
Male…… A device for scanning through all 375 channels every 5 minutes.

AND

He said….. I don't know why you wear a bra; you've got nothing to put in it.
She said.... You wear pants don't you?

He said…... Shall we try swapping positions tonight?
She said…. That's a good idea - you stand by the ironing board while I sit on
the sofa and fart!

He said...... What have you been doing with all the grocery money I gave you?
She said…. Turn sideways and look in the mirror!

He said...... Why are married women heavier than single women?
She said.... Single women come home, see what's in the fridge and go to bed.
Married women come home, see what's in bed and go to the fridge.

[myhorse1]

1. Where there's a will, I want to be in it.


2. Since light travels faster than sound, some people appear bright until
you hear them speak.


3. If I agreed with you, we'd both be wrong.


4. War does not determine who is right - only who is left.


5 Knowledge is knowing a tomato is a fruit. Wisdom is not putting it in
a fruit salad.


6. They begin the evening news with 'Good Evening,' then proceed to tell
you why it isn't.


7. To steal ideas from someone is plagiarism. To steal from many is
called research.


8. In filling in an application, where it says, 'In case of emergency',
notify: I put 'DOCTOR.'


9. I didn't say it was your fault, I said I was blaming you.

[ldiatone]

funny

[ldiatone]

THE POPE AND OBAMA ARE ON THE SAME STAGE IN YANKEE STADIUM IN FRONT OF A HUGH CROWD. THE POPE LEANS TOWARDS PRESIDENT OBAMA AND SAID "DO YOU KNOW THAT WITH ONE LITTLE WAVE OF MY HAND I CAN MAKE EVERY PERSON IN THIS CROWD GO WILD WITH JOY? THE JOY WILL NOT BE A MOMENTARY DISPLAY, BUT WILL GO DEEP INTO THEIR HEARTS AND THEY'LL FOREVER SPEAK OF THIS DAY AND REJOICE!" OBAMA REPLIED "I SERIOUSLY DOUBT THAT! WITH ONE LITTLE WAVE OF YOUR HAND.......SHOW ME!" SO THE POPE BACKHANDED HIM AND KNOCKED HIM OFF THE STAGE! AND THE CROWD ROARED AND CHEERED WILDLY AND THERE WAS HAPPINESS THROUGHOUT THE LAND! "KIND OF BRINGS A TEAR TO YOUR EYE, DOESN'T IT?"

[dartman51]

Two Irishmen are drinking in a bar. One says, "Did you know that Elks have sex 10 to 15 times a day?" "Awww shit!" says his friend, "and I just joined the Knights of Columbus!"

[Tom]

Canadian Landmarks.....

[sammy the sage]

A couple, both age 78, went to a sex therapist's office.

The doctor asked, "What can I do for you?"
The man said, "Will you watch us have sex?"
The doctor looked puzzled, but agreed.

When the couple finished, the doctor said, "There's nothing wrong with the way you have sex," and charged them $50.

This happened several weeks in a row. The couple would make an appointment, have sex with no problems, pay the doctor, then leave. Finally, the doctor asked, "Just exactly what are you trying to find out?"

"We're not trying to find out anything," the husband replied. "She's married and we can't go to her house. I'm married and we can't go to my house. The Holiday Inn charges $90. The Hilton charges $108. We do it here for $50...and I get $43 back from Medicare.

[myhorse1]

Women will never be equal to men until they can walk down the street
with a bald head and a beer gut, and still think they look sexy.



Behind every successful man is his woman. Behind the fall of a
successful man is usually another woman.


A clear conscience is the sign of a bad memory.


I used to be indecisive. Now I'm not so sure.



Nostalgia isn't what it used to be. Nor is there any future in it.



Change is inevitable, except from a vending machine.


Going to church doesn't make you a Christian any more than standing in
your garage makes you a car.



Finally: I'm supposed to respect my elders, but it’s getting harder
and harder for me to find one now.



I am not arguing with you, I am explaining why you are wrong.

[Rookies]

Originally Posted by Tom

Canadian Landmarks.....

Ok, Tommy!

GAME ON!

"God created War,

so that Americans would learn Geography!"

Mark Twain

1.why do Germans love Americans? because Americans are the most hated people in the world now.

2.What do sex in a canoe and American beer have in common? They’re both ****ing close to water.

3. If someone who speaks two languages is bilingual, and someone who speaks many languages is multilingual, then what do you call someone who speaks one language?
An American.

4. I had to go see my doctor today because I’m having an unusual problem. I say to him, “I’ve got a problem, every time I finish masturbating I sing the American national anthem”.
The doctor said, “Don’t worry, a lot of wankers sing that”.

5. What’s the difference between the US and yogurt?
If you leave yogurt alone for 300 years, it develops a culture.

6. What do you call a worker in America that will work hard for reasonable pay and never whine?
An immigrant.

[ldiatone]

funny

[Ocala Mike]

Cookbook entry -

HOW TO PREPARE KALE

1. Throw it in the garbage.
2. Grill a piece of red meat rare and enjoy.



As you can tell, I am not into trendy food items or healthy eating.

[myhorse1]

Whatever you may look like, marry a man your own age. As your beauty fades, so will his eyesight.
-Phyllis Diller

Housework can't kill you, but why take the chance?
-Phyllis Diller

Cleaning your house while your kids are still growing up is like shoveling the sidewalk before it stops snowing.
-Phyllis Diller

The reason women don't play football is because 11 of them would never wear the same outfit in public.
-Phyllis Diller

Best way to get rid of kitchen odors: Eat out.
-Phyllis Diller

I want my children to have all the things I couldn't afford. Then I want to move in with them.
-Phyllis Diller

Any time three New Yorkers get into a cab without an argument, a bank has just been robbed.
-Phyllis Diller

We spend the first twelve months of our children's lives teaching them to walk and talk and the next twelve years telling them to sit down and shut up.
-Phyllis Diller

Burt Reynolds once asked me out. I was in his room.
-Phyllis Diller

What I don't like about office Christmas parties is looking for a job the next day.
-Phyllis Diller

The only time I ever enjoyed ironing was the day I accidentally got gin in the steam iron.
-Phyllis Diller

His finest hour lasted a minute and a half.
-Phyllis Diller

Old age is when the liver spots show through your gloves.
-Phyllis Diller

My photographs don't do me justice -they just look like me.
-Phyllis Diller

I admit, I have a tremendous sex drive. My boyfriend lives forty miles away.
-Phyllis Diller

Tranquillizers work only if you follow the advice on the bottle - keep away from children.
-Phyllis Diller

I asked the waiter, 'Is this milk fresh?' He said, 'Lady, three hours ago it was grass.'
-Phyllis Diller

The reason the golf pro tells you to keep your head down is so you can't see him laughing.
-Phyllis Diller

You know you're old if they have discontinued your blood type.
-Phyllis Diller

[ldiatone]

Man wanted to buy $3000.00 Bass boat.

When, he talked to his beautiful wife about it, She said; Honey, I was, just going to talk to you about, getting breast implants, the local plastic surgeon is running a special ! (SALE)

Well, his response was something like this," Honey you are perfect, beautiful, and your breast are fine!!!!!" You don't need that!

She was flattered and commended, you don't need a $3000.00 boat. Either. And added; You better let me do this, They're not for you! It's to make me feel, better about myself.

Now, he was in trouble? How could he, get his wife, what she wanted and still get that, $3000.00 Bass boat? He only had $3000.00 dollar.

Days turned into weeks, and finally he got his solution.....

The next day, his wife came home, to see this "NICE" Bass boat sitting in the driveway, with a big tarp over it. She was MADD!!!! Stormed into house, and started to scream at her loving husband.

He quickly told her, Claim down..... I figured a way, that we both could get what we want. Took her by the hand, and when outside, and told her to remove the tarp....

She did as she was asked, And after the tarp was off, all she seen, was a mountain of Charmin bath tissue! Well, she flipped out, WHAT THE HELL?

The husband said: Baby, Now, all you have to do is gather a bunch in your hand and rub it in between your breast, and he demonstrated, Man, the look on her face was one of confusion?

Then, All he said was; This will work, look what it has done for your ASS.....

[Steve 'StatMan']

Originally Posted by ldiatone

Man wanted to buy $3000.00 Bass boat.

When, he talked to his beautiful wife about it, She said; Honey, I was, just going to talk to you about, getting breast implants, the local plastic surgeon is running a special ! (SALE)

Well, his response was something like this," Honey you are perfect, beautiful, and your breast are fine!!!!!" You don't need that!

She was flattered and commended, you don't need a $3000.00 boat. Either. And added; You better let me do this, They're not for you! It's to make me feel, better about myself.

Now, he was in trouble? How could he, get his wife, what she wanted and still get that, $3000.00 Bass boat? He only had $3000.00 dollar.

Days turned into weeks, and finally he got his solution.....

The next day, his wife came home, to see this "NICE" Bass boat sitting in the driveway, with a big tarp over it. She was MADD!!!! Stormed into house, and started to scream at her loving husband.

He quickly told her, Claim down..... I figured a way, that we both could get what we want. Took her by the hand, and when outside, and told her to remove the tarp....

She did as she was asked, And after the tarp was off, all she seen, was a mountain of Charmin bath tissue! Well, she flipped out, WHAT THE HELL?

The husband said: Baby, Now, all you have to do is gather a bunch in your hand and rub it in between your breast, and he demonstrated, Man, the look on her face was one of confusion?

Then, All he said was; This will work, look what it has done for your ASS.....

LOL! Yeah, it made her asshole so big that it bought itself a boat!