HUMOR

[Longshot6977]

The boss had to fire somebody.
He narrowed it down to one of two people, either Becky or Jack.
It was an impossible decision because they were both decent workers.
Rather then flip a coin, he decided he would fire the first one who used the water cooler the next morning.
Becky came in the next morning with a horrible hangover after partying all night.
She went to the cooler to take an aspirin.
The boss approached her and said, "Becky, I've never done this before but I either have to lay you or Jack off."
"Could you jack off?" she said. "I feel like shit this morning."

[sammy the sage]

I went to the zoo the other day, there was only one dog in it, it was a shitzu

[ldiatone]

Black Bart rides into Tombstone and stops outside the local saloon. He ties up his horse and goes inside and walks up to the bar and orders a drink. The place goes silent and remains like that until Black Bart finishes his drink and leaves. To his horror his horse is nowhere to be seen. He looks around and walks back into the saloon, draws his gun and fires two shots in the air. The room goes silent again.
"O.k people. I'm going to have another drink and then I'm going back outside. If my horse isn't back by the time I finish my drink then the same things gonna happen here that happened in Dodge City."

He finishes his drink and goes outside and there is his horse tied to the rail. He mounts up and is just about to head off when a local shouts out, "Hey Black Bart, what did happen in Dodge City?"

Bart looks him in the eye and says " I had to darn well walk home."

[RunForTheRoses]

Probably not tis the season for yo mama jokes but I cracked up reading some of these:

Yo mama so fat I swerved my car to avoid hitting her and ran out of gas.

Yo mama so fat, her last year's Christmas pic is still printing.

Yo momma's so old she remembers when the Dead Sea was just sick!

Yo mama so ugly, people break into her house to close the curtains

Yo momma so fat when she go sunbathing at the beach green peace rolls her back into the ocean

Yo momma so fat when she skips a meal the stock market drops

Yo Mama's so ugly, she walked into a haunted house and walked out with a job.

Yo mama so ugly, her birth certificate is an apology from the condom factory.

Yo mama is so fat, she got arrested at the airport for ten pounds of crack.

Yo mama so fat, when she dances the band skips.

Your mamas so fat, when she wears a Malcom X tshirt helicopters try to land on her.

Yo mama's so fat, she's got more chins than a Hong Kong phonebook

Yo mamma so fat she walked past the TV and I missed 6 seasons

Yo mama's so fat, when she was diagnosed with a flesh eating disease, the doctor gave her 80 years to live.

Yo mama so fat, the track team took two laps around her and got lost.

[ldiatone]

[ldiatone]

Arthur is 90 years old. He's played golf every day since his retirement 25 years ago.

One day he arrives home looking downcast. "That's it", he tells his wife. "I'm giving up golf. My eyesight has got so bad.... once I've hit the ball, I can't see where it went."

His wife sympathizes and makes him a cuppa. As they sit down she says, "Why don't you take my brother with you and give it one more try?"

"That's no good" sighs Arthur. "Your brother's a hundred and three. He can't help."

"He may be a hundred and three", says the wife, "but his eyesight is perfect."

So the next day Arthur heads off to the golf course with his brother-in-law. He tees up, takes a mighty swing, and squints down the fairway. He turns to the brother-in-law. "Did you see the ball?"

"Of course I did!"

"Where did it go?" says Arthur.

"I can't remember."

[Jess Hawsen Arown]

Originally Posted by ldiatone

Arthur is 90 years old. He's played golf every day since his retirement 25 years ago.

One day he arrives home looking downcast. "That's it", he tells his wife. "I'm giving up golf. My eyesight has got so bad.... once I've hit the ball, I can't see where it went."

His wife sympathizes and makes him a cuppa. As they sit down she says, "Why don't you take my brother with you and give it one more try?"

"That's no good" sighs Arthur. "Your brother's a hundred and three. He can't help."

"He may be a hundred and three", says the wife, "but his eyesight is perfect."

So the next day Arthur heads off to the golf course with his brother-in-law. He tees up, takes a mighty swing, and squints down the fairway. He turns to the brother-in-law. "Did you see the ball?"

"Of course I did!"

"Where did it go?" says Arthur.

"I can't remember."

Thats a WEEEEENER

[RunForTheRoses]

Thomas and Tamara were attending a dinner party so that Thomas's mother could meet Tamara for the first time.

Towards the end of the evening, Tamara approached Thomas and asked if there was a problem, as Thomas's mother seemed to be avoiding her after the introduction.

"Honestly, my dear," Thomas said, "Mother finds you to be, how should I put it, a bit on the crude side."

"Crude? Doesn't she know that I come from one of the most respected families in Boston ? That I was educated in Europe ? That I attended the finest finishing schools on the East Coast? That I attended Vassar, graduating Magna Cum Laude?" Tamara asked.

"Yes, yes, my love, I told her all that," Thomas replied.

"Then where in the **** does that bitch come off with all that crude bullshit?"

[RunForTheRoses]

A blind man enters a Ladies Bar by mistake. He finds his way to a
barstool and orders a drink. After sitting there for awhile, he yells
to the bartender,

"Hey, you wanna hear a blonde joke?" The bar immediately falls
absolutely quiet.

In a very deep, husky voice, the woman next to him says, "Before you
tell that joke, sir, I think it is just fair - giving that you are
blind - that you should know five things:

1 - The bartender is a blonde girl.
2 - The bouncer is a blonde girl.
3 - I'm a 6 feet tall, 160 LB. Blonde woman with a black belt in karate.
4 - The woman sitting next to me is blonde and is a professional weightlifter.
5 - The lady to your right is a blonde and is a professional wrestler.

Now think about it seriously, Mister. Do you still wanna tell that joke?

The blind man thinks for a second, shakes his head, and declares,
"Nah, Not if I'm gonna have to explain it five times."

[ldiatone]

[ldiatone]

An American tourist in Tokyo became aware that he had contracted a serious social disease. After agonizing over its alarming symptoms, he got the name of an American doctor from his hotel and went to see him. The doctor gravely said after an examination, "I'm sorry. It's gone too far. There's nothing I can do but amputate." The horrified tourist returned to his hotel, where a sympathetic concierge saw distress and asked what was wrong. The tourist explained.

The concierge considered, then said, "You have Japan disease. You go see Japan doctor," and produced the address of one nearby. The anxious tourist hurried over and told the Japanese doctor what his American colleague had said. The Japanese doctor, after a superficial examination, laughed and said, "Amellican doctor always want opellate. Just leave alone thlee days, fall off by self."

[ldiatone]

I felt lonely driving home tonight, so I hugged the road


I brought a few spare ribs, in case I run out


This morning I asked my girlfriend if she wanted breakfast in bed, she told me "one pig in a blanket is enough".


This is my step-ladder...I never knew my real ladder. I heard great things about my real ladder, that he supported 3 people at one time.

[magwell]

A parable to meditate on in our politically correct society
>
> An old man, a boy and a donkey were going to town. The boy rode on
> the donkey, and the old man walked. As they went along they passed
> some people who remarked "What a shame, the old man is walking, the
> boy is riding."
>
> The man and boy thought maybe the critics were right, so they
> changed positions. Later they passed some people who
> remarked "What a shame, he makes that little boy walk".
>
> So they decided they'd both walk. Soon they passed some more people
> who remarked "They're really stupid to walk when they have a decent
> donkey to ride."
>
> So they both decided to ride the donkey. They passed some people who
> shamed them by saying "How awful to put such a load on a poor donkey."
>
> The boy and the man figured they were probably right, so they
> decide to carry the donkey.
>
> As they crossed the bridge, they lost their grip on the donkey, the
> donkey fell into the river and drowned.
>
> The moral of the story: If you try to please everyone, you might
> as well kiss your ass goodbye.

[ldiatone]

I once dated a tennis star. Love meant nothing to him.

[ldiatone]

John decided to go skiing with his buddy, Keith. So they loaded up John's minivan and headed north.

After driving for a few hours, they got caught in a terrible blizzard. So they pulled into a nearby farm and asked the attractive lady who answered the door if they could spend the night.

'I realize it's terrible weather out there and I have this huge house all to myself, but I'm recently widowed,' she explained. 'I'm afraid the neighbours will talk if I let you stay in my house.'

'Don't worry,' John said. 'We'll be happy to sleep in the barn. And if the weather breaks, we'll be gone at first light.' The lady agreed, and the two men found their way to the barn and settled in for the night.

Come morning, the weather had cleared, and they got on their way.
They enjoyed a great weekend of skiing.

But about nine months later, John got an unexpected letter from an attorney. It took him a few minutes to figure it out, but he finally determined that it was from the attorney of that attractive widow he had met on the ski weekend.

He dropped in on his friend Keith and asked, 'Keith, do you remember that good-looking widow from the farm we stayed at on our ski holiday up north about 9 months ago?'

'Yes, I do.' Said Keith.

'Did you, er, happen to get up in the middle of the night, go up to the house and pay her a visit?'

'Well, um, yes!,' Keith said, a little embarrassed about being found out, 'I have to admit that I did.'

'And did you happen to give her my name instead of telling her your name?'

Keith's face turned beet red and he said, 'Yeah, look, I'm sorry, buddy. I'm afraid I did.' 'Why do you ask?'

'She just died and left me everything.'