HUMOR

[dartman51]

When General Petraeus turned in he resignation to Obama, Obama said,"I know you don't like me, you'll probably be glad when i'm dead, so you can piss on my grave."

The General said, "no, I vowed that when I leave the Army, i'll NEVER stand in line again.

[zico20]

There were these two illegal aliens named Carlos and Juan both with families and both receiving welfare.

Juan, who is struggling to feed his many kids, would stand on the corner and panhandle for money holding a sign saying "willing to work and was having little success."

Carlos too was panhandling on a corner holding a sign and begging for money and was later spotted getting into his new SUV and driving home with a case load of $10 dollar bills


So when Juan learned of this he had to approach Carlos and ask him while he too was panhandling on the corner and only was getting chump change and wanted to know Carlo's secret

Carlos simply told him my sign says "please help I'm taking my family back to Mexico and I only need $10.00."

[sammy the sage]

Originally Posted by zico20

There were these two illegal aliens named Carlos and Juan both with families and both receiving welfare.

Juan, who is struggling to feed his many kids, would stand on the corner and panhandle for money holding a sign saying "willing to work and was having little success."

Carlos too was panhandling on a corner holding a sign and begging for money and was later spotted getting into his new SUV and driving home with a case load of $10 dollar bills


So when Juan learned of this he had to approach Carlos and ask him while he too was panhandling on the corner and only was getting chump change and wanted to know Carlo's secret

Carlos simply told him my sign says "please help I'm taking my family back to Mexico and I only need $10.00."

would damn sure work w/80% of the posters here...

[Greyfox]

.

[Shemp Howard]

One day out on the golf course, a golfer accidentally overturned his golf cart.

A very attractive woman, who lived in a villa on the golf course, heard the noise, came out onto her balcony and called out to him, Hey, are you okay?


I'm fine, thanks," he replied.


"You look frazzled, the woman said, Come up to my villa for a drink and I will help you get the cart up afterwards."


"That's mighty nice of you," he answered, But I don't think my wife would like that."


"Oh, come on, " the woman, a gorgeous brunette in a sexy bikini, insisted. I can see you've cut your head. It could be serious. Let me take care of that right away. I'm a nurse.

She was very persuasive....and he was weak.


"Well okay," he agreed, but added, "But my wife won't like it."


After she bandaged his wound, she gave him a most welcome brandy. They talked a little about golf and he discovered she was an avid golfer with a four handicap. When he confessed to a weakness in his putting, she gave him a putting lesson holding him close and intimately as she did so.


Finally he confessed, "I feel a lot better now, but I had better get going. I know my wife is going to be really upset with me being here with you."


"Don't be silly! the woman said with a smile, She won't know anything. By the way, where is she?"



"Under the cart," he replied.

[OverlayHunter]

One morning a blind bunny was hopping down the bunny trail and tripped over a large snake and fell, kerplop, right on his twitchy little nose.

'Oh please excuse me,' said the bunny. 'I didn't mean to trip over you, but I'm blind and can't see.'

'That's perfectly all right,' replied the snake. 'To be sure, it was my fault. I didn't mean to trip you, but I'm blind too, and I didn't see you coming. By the way, what kind of animal are you?'

'Well, I really don't know,' said the bunny.. 'I'm blind, and I've never seen myself. Maybe you could examine me and find out.'

So the snake felt the bunny all over, and he said, 'Well, you're soft, and cuddly, and you have long silky ears, and a little fluffy tail and a dear twitchy little nose. You must be a bunny rabbit!'

The bunny said, 'I can't thank you enough. But by the way, what kind of animal are you?'

The snake replied that he didn't know either, and the bunny agreed to examine him, and when the bunny was finished, the snake asked, 'Well, what kind of an animal am I?'

The bunny had felt the snake all over, and he replied, 'You're cold, you're slippery, and you have no balls...You must be a.......................politician!

[ldiatone]

Perry: "Dr. Mastros says I have hearing loss in right ear."
Me: "Are you gonna get a hearing aid."
Perry: "Yep, I'm gonna get the best one they make."
Me: "What kind is it?"
Perry: "Four o'clock."
I guess I was talking into his right ear...

[ldiatone]

When four of Santa’s elves got sick, the trainee elves did not produce toys as fast as the regular ones, and Santa began to feel the Pre-Christmas pressure.
Then Mrs. Claus told Santa her mother was coming to visit, which stressed Santa even more.
When he went to harness the reindeer, he found that three of them were about to give birth and two others had jumped the fence and were out, Heaven knows where.
Then when he began to load the sleigh, one of the floorboards cracked, the toy bag fell to the ground and all the toys were scattered.
Frustrated, Santa went in the house for a cup of apple cider and a shot of rum. When he went to the cupboard, he discovered the elves had drunk all the cider and hidden the liquor. In his frustration, he accidentally dropped the cider jug, and it broke into hundreds of little glass pieces all over the kitchen floor. He went to get the broom and found the mice had eaten all the straw off the end of the broom.
Just then the doorbell rang, and an irritated Santa marched to the door, yanked it open, and there stood a little angel with a great big Christmas tree.
The angel said very cheerfully, 'Merry Christmas, Santa. Isn't this a lovely day? I have a beautiful tree for you. Where would you like me to stick it?'

And thus began the tradition of the little angel on top of the Christmas tree.

[RaceBookJoe]

^^ Great one, esp for the season

[myhorse1]

Mathematics:
this comes from 2 math teachers with a combined total of 70 yrs.experience.
It has an indisputable mathematical logic. It also made me Laugh Out Loud.
This is a strictly…...mathematical viewpoint...
and it goes like this:

What Makes 100% ?

What does it mean to give MORE than
100%?

Ever wonder about those people who say they are giving more than 100%? We have all been to those
meetings where someone wants you to give over 100%.

How about achieving 103%?

What makes up100% in life?Here's a little mathematical formula that might help youanswer these questions:


If:
A B C D E F G H I J K L M N O P Q R S T U V W X Y Z

Is represented
as:


1 2 3 4 5 6 7 8 9 10 11 12 13 14 15 16 17 18 19 20 21 22 23 24 25 26.

Then:

H-A-R-D-W-O-R-K
8+1+18+4+23+15+18+11= 98%

And

K-N-O-W-L-E-D-G-E
11+14+15+23+12+5+4+7+5 = 96%

But ,

A-T-T-I-T-U-D-E
1+20+20+9+20+21+4+5 = 100%

And,

B-U-L-L-S-H-I-T
2+21+12+12+19+8+9+20 = 103%

AND, look how far ass kissing will take you.

A-S-S-K-I-S-S-I-N-G
1+
19+19+11+9+19+19+9+14+7= 118%

So, one can conclude with mathematical certainty,that while Hard work and Knowledge will get you close, and
Attitude will get you there. It’s the Bullshit and Ass Kissing that will put you over the top.

Now you know why some people are where they are!

[Tom]

What do you call a dead atheist in an open coffin?

All dressed up and nowhere to go.

ba dum.

[magwell]

Joe and Jane, were in a shopping center before Christmas. Jane noticed that Joe was missing and as they had a lot to do, she called him on the mobile. Jane said "Where are you, you know we have lots to do?" He said "remember the jewelers we went into about 10 years ago, and you fell in love with that diamond necklace. I couldn't afford it at the time and I said that one day I would get it for you? " Tears started to flow down her cheek and she got all choked up. "Yes, I do remember that shop!" she replied. " Well, I'm in the pub next to it."

[barahona44]

The Kowalski brothers, Stan and Casmir,were flying from Warsaw to New York,when the pilot came over the intercom and said "Ladies and gentlemen,one of our four engines is out.We will be delayed an hour as we need to slow down".
Later, the pilot said "Our second engine went out, so we will be now delayed two hours.We still have 2 engines functioning "
After a while, the pilot said"We now have our third engine out.We have one engine working but now our arrival to New York will be delayed three hours.
Upon hearing this, Stan turned to Casmir and said "Boy, if that last engine goes, we'll be up here all day."

[barahona44]

A young sinner dies and of course goes to Hell.There he is met by Satan who tells him "Forget that nonsense about fire and pain and suffering.This place is the most fun you'll ever have.See,every Monday is Food Day.All you can eat steak, lobster,ice cream, cake or whatever you want and you never gain an ounce.Sound good to you?"

The young guy says "Sounds great". Satan says " I can see that you're really going to like Mondays"

Satan says" Now on Tuesday it's Open Bar. Top shelf booze, all you want,never get sick or blind drunk. Sounds good to you? " The guy says "Sounds great,sign me up" And Satan says "I can see you're really going to like Tuesdays."

Satan says "Now Wednesday is Anal Sex Day.Men are engaging in sodomy all day.Of course, since you're new here, for the next few hundred centuries,you'll have to be on the receiving end of these guys, one after another, all day.So tell me, do you like anal sex? Does being sodomized sound good to you?" The young guy is horrified and says "No no, of course not, that sounds horrible".

Satan gives out a great sigh and says "Well, I can see you're not going to like Wednesdays very much".

[NorCalGreg]

Originally Posted by barahona44

The Kowalski brothers, Stan and Casmir,were flying from Warsaw to New York,when the pilot came over the intercom and said "Ladies and gentlemen,one of our four engines is out.We will be delayed an hour as we need to slow down".
Later, the pilot said "Our second engine went out, so we will be now delayed two hours.We still have 2 engines functioning "
After a while, the pilot said"We now have our third engine out.We have one engine working but now our arrival to New York will be delayed three hours.
Upon hearing this, Stan turned to Casmir and said "Boy, if that last engine goes, we'll be up here all day."

HAHAHAHA.....God Bless the Poles, they always could take a joke!