HUMOR

[OntheRail]

Originally Posted by NorCalGreg

Is it me.....or was Hillary cute when she was younger?

It's almost 3 am... your eye's are tired. In the morning you'll see her for what she is...

[magwell]

It’s a lucky thing the driver wasn’t crushed when a three-story-tall lamp post fell on top of a car stopped on the corner of Pine and Taylor Streets in San Francisco on a Monday evening last month.

The base of the lamp post had been corroded after countless soakings with urine from San Francisco’s ubiquitous homeless, prompting a spokesman for the city’s Public Utilities Commission to encourage people and dogs alike to water fire hydrants rather than light poles because the fire hydrants are made of stronger cast iron.

That collapsing lamp post is a perfect metaphor for urban Democrat governance. If you want to know what inevitably results from allowing the Far Left to run cities cleared of middle-class voters over decades, picture vast armies of homeless bums gleefully micturating on public infrastructure, while public officials merely beg for more clichéd choices amid terror of alienating a prominent, if noisome and not quite sane, constituency, until that piddle-drenched infrastructure inevitably topples.........

[iceknight]

Not sure, if this is humor.. but definitely interesting to watch

http://www.cbsnews.com/videos/horse-...ving-neck-rub/

[OntheRail]

While walking down the street one day Obama is tragically hit by a truck and dies.

His soul arrives in heaven and is met by St. Peter
at the entrance. “Welcome to heaven,” says St. Peter. “Before you settle in, it seems there is a problem. We seldom see a high official around these parts, you see, so we're not sure what to do with you.”

“No problem, just let me in,” says Obama. “Well, I'd like to, but I have orders from higher up. What we'll do is have you spend one day in hell and one in heaven. Then you can choose where to spend eternity.”

“Really, I've made up my mind. I want to be in heaven,” says Obama. “I'm sorry, but we have our rules.” And with that, St. Peter escorts him to the elevator and he goes down, down, down to hell. The doors open and he finds himself in the middle of a green golf course. In the distance is a clubhouse and standing in front of it are all his friends and other politicians who had worked with him.

Everyone is very happy and in evening dress. They run to greet him, shake his hand, and reminisce about the good times they had while getting rich at the expense of the people. They play a friendly game of golf and then dine on lobster, caviar and champagne. Also present is the devil, who really is a very friendly & nice guy who has a good time dancing and telling jokes. They are having such a good time that before he realizes it, it is time to go. Everyone gives him a hearty farewell and waves while the elevator rises.

The elevator goes up, up, up and the door reopens on heaven where St. Peter is waiting for him. “Now it's time to visit heaven.” So, 24 hours pass with the Obama joining a group of contented souls moving from cloud to cloud, playing the harp and singing. They have a good time and, before he realizes it, the 24 hours have gone by and St. Peter returns.

“Well, then, you've spent a day in hell and another in heaven. Now choose your eternity.” Obama reflects for a minute, then he answers, “Well, I would never have said it before, I mean heaven has been delightful, but I think I would be better off in hell.”

So St. Peter escorts him to the elevator and he goes down, down, down to hell. Now the doors of the elevator open and he's in the middle of a barren land covered with waste and garbage. He sees all his friends, dressed in rags, picking up the trash and putting it in black bags as more trash falls from above.

The devil comes over to him and puts his arm around his shoulder. “I don't understand,” stammers Obama, “Yesterday I was here and there was a golf course and clubhouse, and we ate lobster and caviar, drank champagne, and danced and had a great time. Now there's just a wasteland full of garbage and my friends look miserable. What happened?”

The devil looks at him, smiles and says, “Yesterday we were campaigning. Today you voted!”

[OntheRail]

Yossele Zelkovitz worked in a Jewish pickle factory. For many years he had a powerful desire to put his penis in the pickle slicer. Unable to stand it any longer, he sought professional help from the factory psychologist..
After six months, the therapist gave up. He advised Yossel to go ahead and do it or he would probably never have any peace of mind.
The next day he came home from work very early. His wife, Sacha, became alarmed and wanted to know what had happened. Yossel tearfully confessed his tormenting desire to put his penis in the pickle slicer. He went on to explain that today he finally went ahead and did it, and he was immediately fired.
Sacha gasped and ran over to her husband. She quickly yanked down his pants and shorts only to find a normal, completely intact penis. She looked up and said, "I don't understand. What about the pickle slicer?"
Yossel replied, "I think she got fired, too."

[Greyfox]

Promises, promises.

[myhorse1]

AS I AGE, I REALIZE THAT:

1. I talk to myself, because sometimes I need expert advice.

2. Sometimes I roll my eyes out loud.

3. I don't need anger management. I need people to stop pissing me off.

4. My people skills are just fine. It's my tolerance of idiots that needs work.

5. The biggest lie I tell myself is "I don't need to write that down, I'll remember it."

6. When I was a child I thought nap time was punishment. Now it's like a mini vacation.

7. The day the world runs out of wine is just too terrible to think about.

8. Even duct tape can't fix stupid, but it can muffle the sound!

9. Wouldn't it be great if we could put ourselves in the dryer for ten minutes; come out wrinkle-free and three sizes smaller.

10. If God wanted me to touch my toes, he would've put them on my knees.

11. When the kids text me "plz" which is shorter than please. I text back "no" which is shorter than "yes".

12. At my age "Getting lucky" means walking into a room and remembering what I came in there for.

[NorCalGreg]

Originally Posted by OntheRail

The devil looks at him, smiles and says, “Yesterday we were campaigning. Today you voted!”

HAHAHAHA...for some unexplained reason--the closer we get to "NOV 2016" the funnier Obama jokes get ..good one OTR
*as was your "Horse Trailer" pic Greyfox made that my cell phone wallpaper

[WaHoo]

Around twenty years ago I took 5 grandkids to Disney World in Florida.
while they were riding rides. I went into a court room and Mickey Mouse and Minnie were getting a divorce , the judge asked Mickey why and he said that Donald Duck said she Minnie was crazy, about that time in walked Donald and Goofy, Donald said I didn't say she was crazy, I said she was fuk'n Goofy

[sammy the sage]

http://d2vrsup6vl2y4n.cloudfront.net...5/09/lbgma.png

grandma's boyfriend...

[myhorse1]

> If God wanted us to vote,
> he would have given us candidates.
>
> ~Jay Leno~
>
> The problem with political jokes
> is they get elected.
>
> ~Henry Cate, VII~
>
> We hang the petty thieves
> and appoint the great ones to public office.
>
> ~Aesop~
>
> If we got one-tenth of what was promised to us in these State of the Union speeches,
> there wouldn't be any inducement to go to heaven.
>
> ~Will Rogers~
>
> Politicians are the same all over.
> They promise to build a bridge even where there is no river.
>
> ~Nikita Khrushchev~
>

[magwell]

No Chicken McNuggets

[cj's dad]

After a nights work, she settles up with her pimp and hands him one hundred dollars and a quarter.

"What cheap S.O.B. gave you a quarter", he asked.











"All of them" she replied.

[Tom]

Remember when beer was $0.75 a bottle?
You could wake up the next morning and count the quarters in your pocket and know how much you drank.

[Dave Schwartz]

A young couple got married and decided to adopt a rather unique savings plan. Every time they had sex, the husband would stick $10 into his wife's pillow case.

After about a month he decided to see how much they had accumulated.

When he opened the pillow case, out poured about $2,000. He says, "Where did all this money come from? And how did all these $20's, $50's and $100's come from?"

"Well," says the wife shyly. "Not everyone is as cheap as you."