HUMOR

[sammy the sage]

SENIOR TRYING TO SET PASSWORD

WINDOWS: Please enter your new password.
USER: cabbage

WINDOWS: Sorry, the password must be more than eight characters.
USER: boiled cabbage


WINDOWS: Sorry, the password must contain one numerical character.
USER: 1 boiled cabbage

WINDOWS: Sorry, the password cannot have blank spaces.
USER: 50damnboiledcabbages

WINDOWS: Sorry, the password must contain at least one upper case character
USER: 50DAMNboiledcabbages

WINDOWS: Sorry, the password cannot use more than one upper case character consecutively.
USER: 50damnBoiledCabbagesShovedUpYourAssIfYouDon'tGiveM eAccessNow!

WINDOWS: Sorry, the password cannot contain punctuation.
USER: ReallyPissedOff50DamnBoiledCabbagesShovedUpYourAss IfYouDontGiveMeAccessNow



WINDOWS: Sorry, that password is already in use.

[RaceBookJoe]

If I had a brick for every lie that Hillary told...I could build 2 walls

[ldiatone]

I just made my hamster a strong black coffee. I don't want him falling asleep at the wheel.

[ldiatone]

A Finn is looking up at a flagpole. A Swede comes along and asks, “Whatcha doin’?”

“I’m trying to figure out how tall this flagpole is.”

The Swede whips out a wrench, pulls one of the two base bolts, and lays the flagpole down on its side. Then he takes a tape measure from another pocket and measures it.

“It’s 34 feet 7 inches,” he says. He puts the flagpole back up and strolls away.

“Stupid Swede,” the Finn mutters. “I wanted to know how tall it was, not how long.”

[ldiatone]

A drunk Alaskan decides to go ice fishing. So he heads out onto the ice and starts to cut a hole.

A voice booms out from above: “You’ll find no fish here.”

The Alaskan looks around and sees nobody. So he starts to saw the ice again. The voice repeats: “You’ll find no fish here.”

The Alaskan stops, wide-eyed, and asks, “Are you God?”

“No, I’m the manager of this skating rink.”

[barahona44]

A bear walks into a bar, and says to the bar keep "I'll have a rum.......and coke.

The bartender says, "OK, but why the pause?"

The bear looks at his hands and says, "I don't know, I've had them all my life.".

[ldiatone]

You might be a redneck if....
Your wife has ever said "come move this transmission so I can take a bath!"
You take a can of Raid to the dinner table every night.
You have used a weed eater indoors.
You cried when your son tapped his first keg.
You consider fifth grade your "senior year."
Your home has more miles than your car.
Someone asks to see your ID and you show them your belt buckle.

There's also redneck computer terms:
Active Desktop: What you get when you leave food on your 'puter desk.
Board: What you get when you ain't busy.
Digital: Countin' on your fingers.
Enter: Northern for "C'mon in y'all!"
Hacker: Uncle Leroy after 30 years of Winston cigarettes.
Line in: What you do when you go fishin'.
Log on: How you make the far hotter. (fire)
Megahertz: How your head feels after too many Budweisers.
RAM: What you drive when you ain't a Ford or Chevy man.
Screen Saver: Fixin' kit for the winder screen.
Superconductor: Amtrak's employee of the year

[magwell]

Seeking a weekend break from his campaign rallies; Donald Trump jetted to his yacht, which was docked off the coast of Italy. He invited Pope Francis and the press corps on board for a Saturday afternoon cruise.





It was a rather windy day. The Pope's little hat, his zucchetto, was blown from his head and into the water. A crewman began lowering a boat to retrieve the zucchetto. Trump told the crewman not to bother. Trump climbed down the yacht's ladder; walked across the waves, picked up the zucchetto; walked back to the yacht and handed it to the Pope. The Pope and the press corps were amazed! Donald Trump could actually walk on water!





Speculation immediately began as to how ABC, CNN, NBC, ABC, The Washington Post and New York Times would report this miraculous event to the rest of the world.





The next morning the New York Times headline read . . .





DONALD TRUMP CAN'T SWIM!

[Fred]

i put my finger into her hole ,,,,, and immediately she got wetter and wetter,,,,, and then without warning she started to go down on me!!!!

and then it came to me


i have got to get a new boat

[magwell]

A buddy of mine has two tickets for the 2017 Super bowl. Box seats plus airfares, accommodation etc., but he didn't realize when he bought them that this is going to be on the same day as his wedding - so he can't go.

If you're interested and want to go instead of him, it's at St Peter's Church in New York City at 5pm. Her name's Louise. She will be the one in the white dress.........

[Tom]

What is the difference between the Buffalo Bills and cigarettes?

Bill Belichick doesn't smoke cigarettes.

[Shemp Howard]

A guy walked into a crowded bar, waving his unholstered pistol and yelled, "I have a 45 caliber Colt 1911 with a seven round clip plus one in the chamber and I want to know who's been sleeping with my wife.?"

A voice from the back of the room called out,

"You going to need a lot more ammo!”

[sammy the sage]

While golfing, I accidentally overturned my golf cart. A very attractive golfer, who lived in a villa on the golf course, heard the noise and called out, "Are you okay?"


"I'm okay thanks," I replied as I pulled myself out of the twisted cart.


She said, "Come up to my villa, rest a while, and I'll help you get the cart up later." I noticed her silky bathrobe was partially open, revealing what appeared to be a very nice figure.


"That's mighty nice of you," I answered, but I don't think my wife would like it.


"Oh, come on now," she insisted.She was so pretty, and very, very persuasive.


I was weak. "Well okay," I finally agreed, "But I'm sure my wife won't like it."


After a couple of Scotch and waters, I thanked her and said, "I feel a lot better now. But I know my wife is going to be really upset. So I'd better go now."


"Don't be silly!" she said with a smile, letting her robe fall slightly more open. "Stay for awhile. She won't know anything. By the way, where is she?"


I replied, "Still under the cart, I guess."

[sammy the sage]

Wish I could get away w/this in my business...

A woman brought a very limp duck into a veterinary surgeon. As she laid her pet on the table, the vet pulled out his stethoscope and listened to the bird's chest.
After a moment or two, the vet shook his head and sadly said, "I'm sorry, your duck, Cuddles, has passed away."

The distressed woman wailed, "Are you sure?" "Yes, I am sure. Your duck is dead," replied the vet.

"How can you be so sure?" she protested. "I mean you haven't done any testing on him or anything. He might just be in a coma or something."

The vet rolled his eyes, turned around and left the room. He returned a few minutes later with a black Labrador Retriever. As the duck's owner looked on in amazement, the dog stood on his hind legs, put his front paws on the examination table and sniffed the duck from top to bottom. He then looked up at the vet with sad eyes and shook his head. The vet patted the dog on the head and took it out Of the room.

A few minutes later he returned with a cat. The cat jumped on the table and also delicately sniffed the bird from head to foot. The cat sat back on its haunches, shook its head, meowed softly and strolled out of the room.

The vet looked at the woman and said, "I'm sorry, But as I said, this is most definitely, 100% certifiably, A dead duck."

The vet turned to his computer terminal, hit a few keys and produced a bill, which he handed to the woman.. The duck's owner, still in shock, took the bill. "$150!"

She cried, "$150 just to tell me my duck is dead!"

The vet shrugged, "I'm sorry. If you had just taken my word for it, the bill would have been $20, but with the Lab Report and the Cat Scan, it's now $150."

[barahona44]

How do you know the Irishman at a cockfight?
He enters a hummingbird.

How do you know the Polish guy at a cockfight?
He bets on the hummingbird.

How do you know the Mafia guy at a cockfight?
The hummingbird wins.