HUMOR

[Marshall Bennett]

Blonde goes in an Auto Zone and tells the guy she needs belts for her car. He says "which belts"? She says "I dunno I just know I need belts". So the guy takes her to her car and pops the hood and takes a look. Finding nothing wrong he tells her, "Lady, you only have one belt and it's just like new".
She says with an angry tone, "Well all I know is every time I turn the key a red light flashes BELTS BELTS BELTS.

[Rwahi1]

A blonde was driving home after work, and got caught in a really bad hailstorm.
Her car was covered with dents, so the next day she took it to a repair shop.
The shop owner saw that she was a blonde, so he decided to have some fun.
He told her to just go home and blow into the tailpipe really hard,
and all the dents would pop out.
So, the blonde went home, got down on her hands and knees and started blowing into her car's tailpipe.
Nothing happened.
She blew a little harder, and still nothing happened.
Her roommate, another blonde, came home and said,
"What are you doing?"
The first blonde told her how the repairman had instructed her
to blow into the tailpipe in order to get the dents to pop out.

Her roommate rolled her eyes and said,
..."HELLLLOOOO!!!
You need to roll up the windows."

[magwell]

A Jewish man was sitting in Starbucks reading an Arab newspaper.

A friend of his noticed this strange phenomenon.

Very upset, he approached him and said: 'Moshe, have you lost your mind? Why are you reading an Arab newspaper?'

Moshe replied, 'I used to read the Jewish newspapers, but what did I find? Jews being persecuted, Israel being attacked, Jews disappearing through assimilation and intermarriage, Jews living in poverty..… I got so depressed!

So I switched to the Arab newspaper. Now what do I find? Jews own all the banks, Jews control the media, Jews are all rich and powerful, Jews rule the world. The news is so much better

[sammy the sage]

An old man, Mr. Wallace, was living in a nursing home. One day he appeared to be very sad and depressed.


Nurse Tracy asked him if there was anything wrong. 'Yes, Nurse Tracy ,' said Mr. Wallace.


'My Private Part died today, and I am very sad.'


Knowing her patients were a little forgetful and sometimes a little crazy, she replied,

'Oh, I'm so sorry, Mr. Wallace. Please accept my condolences.'


The following day, Mr. Wallace was walking down the hall with his Private Part hanging out of his pajamas.


He met Nurse Tracy. 'Mr. Wallace,' she said, 'You shouldn't be walking down the hall like that. Please put your Private Part back inside your pajamas.'


'But, Nurse Tracy I can't,' replied Mr. Wallace. 'I told you yesterday that my Private Part died.'


'Yes,' said Nurse Tracy, 'you did tell me that, but why is it hanging out of your pajamas?'


(You've gotta love this.)



'Well,' he replied, 'Today is the viewing.'

[TJDave]

At breakfast, the husband says to his wife, “What would you do if I won the Lotto?”

“I’d take my half and leave you.”, she says, matter-of-factly.

“Great!”, he says.

“Here's $6. I won $12 yesterday! Stay in touch.”

[sammy the sage]

INTERESTING OBSERVATION



1. The sport of choice for the urban poor is BASKETBALL.



2. The sport of choice for maintenance level employees is BOWLING.




3. The sport of choice for front-line workers is FOOTBALL.




4. The sport of choice for supervisors is BASEBALL.



5. The sport of choice for middle management is TENNIS. And...




6. The sport of choice for corporate executives and officers is GOLF.




THE AMAZING CONCLUSION:



The higher you go in the corporate structure, the smaller your balls become.


There must be a boat load of people in Washington playing marbles.

[DJofSD]

Good one, Sammy! First time I've seen that one.

[Rwahi1]

There was a competition to swim from Santa Monica to Catalina doing only the breaststroke. Three women signed up for the race -- a Blonde, a Redhead, and a Brunette.

After approximately 14 hours, the Blonde staggered up onto the shore and was declared the fastest breaststroker.

About 40 minutes later, the Redhead crawled onto the beach in second place.

Nearly 4 hours later, the Brunette finally stumbled ashore and collapsed in front of the worried crowd. Several journalists surrounded her and asked why it had taken so long for her to finish the race.

"Well, I don't want to sound like a sore loser," she said. "But I'm pretty sure those two other girls were using the their arms"

[RaceBookJoe]

Those last few jokes were good, thanks

[DJofSD]

• It's perfectly respectable to play with a total stranger.
• If your regular golf partner is not available, he or she won't object if you golf with some one else.
• Nobody will tell you that you'll go blind if you golf by yourself.
• When dealing with a professional, you don't have to wonder if he or she is an undercover cop.
• Nobody expects you to promise to golf with one partner for the rest of your life.
• Nobody expects you to give up golfing if your partner loses interest in the game.
• Your golf partner will never say "We just golfed last week! Is that all you think about?"
• You don't have to sneak your golf magazines into the house.

[Actor]

[YT="Science Jokes"]e7DkeQ0roAM[/YT]

[sammy the sage]

Boudreaux's friend Armand came floating up the bank by his house one morning with a bunch of vines in his pirogue and said, "I going to get me a bunch of muskrats, you want to come?" Boudreaux said, "What's all that in your pirogue?"
"Why, that's muscadine vines and I am going to get a mess of muskrat," said Armand. "No way said Armand, I'll just set here on the veranda and you come back by when you're going home." Sure enough, in about 3 hours Armand floats up with his pirogue loaded with muskrats. Boudreaux says, "Humh." Next day Armand floats up again with his pirogue loaded with Duct Tape. Boudreaux says, "What you doin' with all that?" Armand says, "I'm going to go duck hunting, you want to come?" Boudreaux says, "That ain't gonna work, I'm stayin' home." Sure enough, 3 hours later Armand comes back with his pirogue full of ducks. Boudreaux shakes his head and just cannot believe it. Sure enough, on the 3rd day Armand floats up with his pirogue full of limbs. What in the world crazy thing you got today?" "Pussy Willow", says Armand. Boudreaux says, "Let me get my hat."

[precocity]

why was there 4hundred thousand Mexican at the ALAMO??????


WAIT



WAIT



ONLY ONE STATION WAGON


PS I AM MEXICAN

[RunForTheRoses]

http://www.jest.com/embed/199930/key...l-lineup-names

[RunForTheRoses]

She was in the kitchen preparing to boil eggs for
breakfast.

He walked in; She turned and said, "You've got to
make love to me this very moment."

His eyes lit up and he thought, "This is my lucky day."

Not wanting to lose the moment, he embraced her
and then gave it his all; right there on the kitchen
table .

Afterwards she said, "Thanks," and returned to
the stove.

More than a little puzzled, he asked, "What was
that all about?"

She explained, "The egg timer is broken."