HUMOR

[dirt]

HILLARY CLINTON GOES TO A GIFTED-STUDENT PRIMARY SCHOOL IN NEW YORK TO TALK ABOUT THE WORLD.

AFTER HER TALK SHE OFFERS QUESTION TIME.
ONE LITTLE BOY PUTS UP HIS HAND. HILLARY ASKS HIM WHAT HIS NAME IS.
"KENNETH," HE SAYS.
"AND WHAT IS YOUR QUESTION, KENNETH ?" SHE ASKS.
"I HAVE THREE QUESTIONS," HE SAYS.
"FIRST -- WHAT HAPPENED IN BENGHAZI ?
"SECOND -- WHY WOULD YOU RUN FOR PRESIDENT IF YOU ARE NOT CAPABLE OF HANDLING TWO E-MAIL ACCOUNTS ?
"AND, THIRD -- WHATEVER HAPPENED TO THE MISSING SIX BILLION DOLLARS WHILE YOU WERE SECRETARY OF STATE ?"

JUST THEN THE BELL RINGS FOR RECESS.
HILLARY INFORMS THE KIDDIES THAT THEY WILL CONTINUE AFTER RECESS.
WHEN THEY RESUME HILLARY SAYS,
"OKAY, WHERE WERE WE? OH, THAT'S RIGHT, QUESTION TIME.
WHO HAS A QUESTION ?"
A DIFFERENT BOY -- LITTLE JOHNNY -- PUTS HIS HAND UP.
HILLARY POINTS TO HIM AND ASKS HIM WHAT HIS NAME IS.
"JOHNNY," HE SAYS.
"AND WHAT IS YOUR QUESTION, JOHNNY?" SHE ASKS.
"I HAVE FIVE QUESTIONS," HE SAYS.
"FIRST -- WHAT HAPPENED IN BENGHAZI ?
"SECOND -- WHY WOULD YOU RUN FOR PRESIDENT IF YOU ARE NOT CAPABLE OF HANDLING TWO E-MAIL ACCOUNTS ?
"THIRD -- WHATEVER HAPPENED TO THE MISSING SIX BILLION DOLLARS WHILE YOU WERE SECRETARY OF STATE ?
"FOURTH -- WHY DID THE RECESS BELL GO OFF 20 MINUTES EARLY?
"AND, FIFTH -- WHERE'S THE HELL IS KENNETH ?"

[ldiatone]

I am so angry right now !!!!!!!! ?? I came home early to work from home today and there were 3 police cars in my driveway.The front door had been knocked off the hinges, stuff everywhere, and apparently they were looking for something. So i go inside and they are searching through everything, even our laundry. They checked inside the closets under my mattress. They tore my house apart. So, as you can imagine, I'm very upset, and I'm trying figure out what's going on!
I asked if they had a search warrant, the cop in my bedroom yells, "Where did you hide it at? We know it's here."
Then I yell back, "If I had an idea of what you're looking for sir, maybe I could help!" He has the audacity to tell me "you wanna go to jail?" so I shut up and watch one of the other cops look down at his phone.
Then he shouts, "Guys Stop! Hold on. We're in the wrong house! The Pokémon is next door!"

[ldiatone]

A moth flies into a podiatrist's office and starts to complain. In a stream of blurting words he begins: "Doctor, doctor, you've got to help me, my life is a mess. My kids hate me, I hate my kids, my wife hates me and I hate her. I get up and it's the same thing day after day, nothing changes. Sometimes I just want to jump in front of a moving car and end it all, life is terrible. I hate everything, I'm angry all the time, I'm depressed all the time. I don't know what to do. I can't take it anymore. It just seems all meaningless. My life is a total mess"

The podiatrist interrupts and says "Moth, moth, slow down. Calm down. I'm a podiatrist, I can't help you, you need to see a psychiatrist. Why did you come in here?"

Moth "Your light was on!"

[myhorse1]

In my many years I have come to a conclusion that one useless man is a shame, two is a law firm and three or more is a government.
John Adams

If you don't read the newspaper you are uninformed, if you do read the newspaper you are misinformed.
Mark Twain

Suppose you were an idiot. And suppose you were a member of government. But then I repeat myself.
Mark Twain

I contend that for a nation to try to tax itself into prosperity is like a man standing in a bucket and trying to lift himself up by the handle.
Winston Churchill

A government which robs Peter to pay Paul can always depend on the support of Paul.
George Bernard Shaw

Foreign aid might be defined as a transfer of money from poor people in rich countries to rich people in poor countries.
Douglas Casey, Classmate of Bill Clinton at Georgetown University

Giving money and power to government is like giving whiskey and car keys to teenage boys.
P.J. O'Rourke, Civil Libertarian

Government is the great fiction, through which everybody endeavours to live at the expense of everybody else.
Frederic Bastiat, French economist(1801-1850)

I don't make jokes. I just watch the government and report the facts.
Will Rogers

If you think health care is expensive now, wait until you see what it costs when it's free!
P.J. O'Rourke

In general, the art of government consists of taking as much money as possible from one party of the citizens to give to the other.
Voltaire (1764)

Just because you do not take an interest in politics doesn't mean politics won't take an interest in you!
Pericles (430 B.C.)

No man's life, liberty, or property is safe while the legislature is in session.
Mark Twain (1866)

Talk is cheap...except when government does it.
Anonymous

The government is like a baby's alimentary canal, with a happy appetite at one end and no responsibility at the other.
Ronald Reagan

The only difference between a tax man and a taxidermist is that the taxidermist leaves the skin.
Mark Twain

What this country needs are more unemployed politicians.
Edward Langley, Artist (1928-1995)

A government big enough to give you everything you want, is strong enough to take everything you have.
Thomas Jefferson

We hang the petty thieves and appoint the great ones to public office.
Aesop

[barahona44]

While registering for his room at a hotel, a minister asked the desk clerk "Is the porn channel on the TV disabled?"
The desk clerk replied, "No, it's regular porn."

[barahona44]

Q. What was the best thing about Tim Tebow hitting a home run the other day?

A. He finally got past first base.

[ldiatone]

Two flies are in a bar, and one turns to the other and asks, "excuse me, is this stool taken?"

[barahona44]

A man enters the office of a talent agent and makes a request."I would like you to find a woman who is 6 feet 2 inches tall and weighs 85 pounds. Money is no object. I am willing to pay the woman 2 million dollars for one day and I will pay you the same amount plus your expenses"

The talent agent thinks to himself, "This guy's off his rocker, but that money is hard to turn down" He says ,"That's a tall order but I'll see what I can do"

Lo and behold, a few months later he spots a woman of that height and weight and tells her about the offer.Needing the money, the lady reluctantly agrees.Contacting the man, he is thrilled and tells the agent the arrangements.

The next day, the woman is whisked off by jet to a private island in the Caribbean.She is driven to a huge oceanfront mansion and enters the home.There she meets the man who now starts to breathe heavily saying "You're perfect, perfect for what I need.Come to the bedroom immediately" The woman is getting scared, thinking the man is a pervert.Entering the bedroom, she sees a little girl about 5 years old and gets even more terrified, thinking he must be an absolute degenerate.Just as she is about to turn and run, the man tells her to please stand perfectly still.He then brings the little girl over to her and starts looking at the woman up and down.Finally, he turns to the little girl and says in an angry voice:

"YOU SEE WHAT HAPPENS WHEN YOU DON'T EAT YOUR VEGETABLES!".

[sammy the sage]

A lady goes to her priest one day and confesses.

"Father, I have a problem. I have two female parrots, but they only know how to say one thing."

What do they say?" the priest inquires curiously.

The woman blushes as she explains that the two female birds repeat the same phrase over and over: "Hi, we're prostitutes. Do you want to have some fun?"

“That's obscene!" the priest exclaims.

After a few moments of deliberation, however, he offers a solution. "You know," he says, "I have two male parrots, very devout birds, whom I have taught to pray and read the Bible. Bring your female parrots to my house, and we'll put them in the cage with Francis and Job. My parrots can teach your parrots to praise and worship and speak in a more appropriate manner."

"Thank you," the woman responds, "this may very well be the solution."

The next day, she brings her two female parrots to the priest's house.

As he ushers her in, she sees his two male parrots inside their cage, holding Rosary beads and praying. Impressed, she walks over and places her parrots in with them.

After a few minutes, the female birds cry out in unison: "Hi, we're prostitutes. Do you want to have some fun?" There is a stunned silence.

Finally, one male parrot looks over at the other male parrot and exclaims, "Put the beads away, Francis, our prayers have been answered!"

[RunForTheRoses]

What does Bill Clinton say to Hilary after having sex?





I'll be home in twenty minutes.


******************

You know Monica Lewinsky is voting Republican this time around.

Seems the Democrats left a bad taste in her mouth.

[ldiatone]

My friend came home a shopping trip with five big white toy bears. I think she might have buy polar disorder.

I entered a newspaper pun competition. I sent in ten different puns hoping one would win. Sadly no pun in ten did.

Customer at the restaurant: "Waiter please, what is this dish?"
Waiter: "It's bean soup"
Customer: "I'd like to know what it is now"

Why dont you iron a 4-leaf clover?

Because you dont want to press your luck

----------



Things You Do Not Want to Happen at Your ATM

- You go to get a balance inquiry, and instead of printing out a receipt the screen says: "Not worth wasting paper", and ejects your card.

- You try to get a balance inquiry, and the screen says: "Account not found." and keeps your card.

- You insert your card, and try to get some cash, and the ATM laughs and spits out your shredded card.

- You withdraw some money to pay some bills, count it, and the screen says: "What, you thought there was some EXTRA there? HA!", and ejects your card clear across the room.

- You think you've got $100 in your account and go to take out $50, and the screen says: "Not in this lifetime." and laughs as you bang on the machine, trying desperately to get your card back that the machine has taken.

- You go to the ATM, and there's a picture of you a-la-"Most Wanted" staring forlornly at the ATM camera with a caption that reads: "Wanted for trying to get water from a dry well."

[dartman51]

There once was a Congressman named Weiner,
Who had a perverted demeanor,
He was forced from the hill, for acting like Bill,
Now Congress is one Weiner leaner.

The moral:
If you tweet your meat,
You lose your seat.

[ldiatone]

A Canadian park ranger is giving some hikers a warning about bears.

"Brown bears are usually harmless. They avoid contact with humans so we suggest you attach small bells to your rucksacks and give the bears time to get out of the way. However grizzly bears are extremely dangerous. If you see grizzly bear droppings then leave the area immediately."

"How do we know if they're grizzly bear droppings?" asks one of the group.

"It's easy." replies the ranger. "They're full of little bells."

[ldiatone]

Little boy says to grandfather "Gramps, can you make a noise like a frog?"

"Why?" replies gramps.

"Well dad says that when you croak we're all going to Disneyland."



What do you call a guy with pastry on the side of his head?

A pioneer.


While hiking in the Polish countryside, two men, one local and the other from Prague, were separately killed and consumed by a bear couple. They were pursued by forest service hunters, and the female was cornered and shot. When they opened her up, the remains of the Pole were found. The lead hunter said,"This can mean only one thing. The Czech is in the male."

[magwell]

As a butcher is shooing a dog from his shop, he sees $10 and a note in his mouth, reading, "8 lamb chops, please."
Amazed, he takes the money, puts a bag of chops in the dog's mouth and quickly closes the shop.

He follows the dog and watches him wait for a green light, look both ways and trot across the road to a bus-stop.

The dog checks the timetable and sits on the bench.

When a bus arrives, he walks around to the front, looks at the number, then boards the bus.

The butcher follows, dumbstruck. As the bus travels out into the suburbs, the dog takes in the scenery..

After a while he stands on his back paws, pushes the "stop" bell and gets off. The butcher follows.

The dog runs up to a house, drops his bag on the steps and barks repeatedly. No answer.

He goes back down the path, takes a big run and throws himself, wham-wham, against the door. He does this over and over. No answer.

So he jumps on a wall, walks around the garden, barks repeatedly at a window, jumps off, and waits at the front door.

Eventually, a small guy opens it and starts cursing and shouting at the dog.

The butcher runs up screaming at the guy: "What the hell are you doing? Stop screaming at the dog....he’s a !@#$%ing genius!"

The owner responds, "Genius, my ass,
It's the second time this week he's lost his key!"