HUMOR

[Ocala Mike]

Soon, the US will be facing off against North Korea.

One country led by a pampered, delusional, vengeance-seeking, unpredictable fat rich guy with stupid hair and access to nukes, and the other led by Kim Jong-un.

[MutuelClerk]

Originally Posted by ldiatone

A woman awoke during the night to find that her husband was not in their bed. She put on her robe and went downstairs to look for him. She found him sitting at the kitchen table with a hot cup of coffee in front of him.

He appeared to be in deep thought, just staring at the wall.

She watched as he wiped a tear from his eye and took a sip of his coffee. 'What's the matter, dear?' she whispered as she stepped into the room, 'Why are you down here at this time of night?'

The husband looked up from his coffee, 'Do you remember 20 years ago when we were dating, and you were only 16?' he asked solemnly.

The wife was touched to tears thinking that her husband was so caring and sensitive. 'Yes I do,' she replied.

The husband pauses. The words were not coming easily. 'Do you remember when your father caught us in the back seat of my car making love?'

'Yes, I remember,' said the wife, lowering herself into a chair beside him.

The husband continued. 'Do you remember when he shoved the shotgun in my face and said, “Either you marry my daughter, or I will send you to jail for 20 years?” '

'I remember that too,' she replied softly.

He wiped another tear from his cheek and said, 'I would have been released today.'

Awesome....

[ldiatone]

James Bond walks into a bar and takes a seat next to a very attractive woman. He gives her a quick glance, and then casually looks at his watch for a moment.

The woman notices this and asks, "Is your date running late?"

"No," he replies, "Q has just given me this state-of-the-art watch. I was just testing it."

The intrigued woman says, "A state-of-the-art watch? What's so special about it?"

Bond explains, "It uses alpha waves to talk to me telepathically."

The lady says, "What's it telling you now?"

"Well, it says you're not wearing any knickers...."

The woman giggles and replies, "Well it must be broken because I am wearing knickers!"

Bond smirks, taps his watch and says, "Bloody thing's an hour fast."

[magwell]

The king wanted to go fishing, so he called on the royal weather forecaster and inquired as to the weather forecast for the next few hours.

The weatherman assured him that there was no chance of rain in the coming days, so the king went fishing with his wife, the queen. On the way he met a farmer on his donkey.

Upon seeing the king the farmer said, "Your Majesty, you should return to the palace! In just a short time I expect a huge amount of rain to fall in this area".

The king was polite and considerate, he replied: "I hold the palace meteorologist in high regard. He is an extensively educated and experienced professional. And besides, I pay him very high wages. He gave me a very different forecast. I trust him."

So the king continued on his way. However, a short time later a torrential rain fell from the sky. The King and Queen were totally soaked and their entourage chuckled upon seeing them in such a shameful condition.

Furious, the king returned to the palace and gave the order to fire the professional. Then he summoned the farmer and offered him the prestigious and high-paying role of royal forecaster.

The farmer said, "Your Majesty, I do not know anything about forecasting. I obtain my information from my donkey. If I see my donkey's ears drooping, it means with certainty that it will rain."

So the king hired the donkey.

And thus began the practice of hiring dumb asses to work in the government and occupy its highest and most influential positions.

The practice is unbroken to this date and thus, the democrat symbol was born!!!

[Parkview_Pirate]

A Jewish man was leaving a convenience store with his espresso when he noticed a most unusual Italian funeral procession approaching the nearby cemetery. A black hearse was followed by a second black hearse about 50 feet behind the first one. Behind the second hearse was a solitary Italian man walking a dog on a leash. Behind him, a short distance back, were about 200 men walking in single file.

The Jewish man couldn't stand the curiosity. He respectfully approached the Italian man walking the dog and said: "I am so sorry for your loss, and this may be a bad time to disturb you, but I've never seen an Italian funeral like this. Whose funeral is it?"

"My wife's."

''What happened to her?"

"She yelled at me and my dog attacked and killed her."

He inquired further, "But who is in the second hearse?"

“My mother-in-law. She came to help my wife and the dog turned on her and killed her also.”

A very poignant and touching moment of Jewish and Italian brotherhood and silence passed between the two men.

The Jewish man then asked "Can I borrow the dog?"

The Italian man replied, "Get in the line."

[PhantomOnTour]

Originally Posted by magwell

The king wanted to go fishing, so he called on the royal weather forecaster and inquired as to the weather forecast for the next few hours.

The weatherman assured him that there was no chance of rain in the coming days, so the king went fishing with his wife, the queen. On the way he met a farmer on his donkey.

Upon seeing the king the farmer said, "Your Majesty, you should return to the palace! In just a short time I expect a huge amount of rain to fall in this area".

The king was polite and considerate, he replied: "I hold the palace meteorologist in high regard. He is an extensively educated and experienced professional. And besides, I pay him very high wages. He gave me a very different forecast. I trust him."

So the king continued on his way. However, a short time later a torrential rain fell from the sky. The King and Queen were totally soaked and their entourage chuckled upon seeing them in such a shameful condition.

Furious, the king returned to the palace and gave the order to fire the professional. Then he summoned the farmer and offered him the prestigious and high-paying role of royal forecaster.

The farmer said, "Your Majesty, I do not know anything about forecasting. I obtain my information from my donkey. If I see my donkey's ears drooping, it means with certainty that it will rain."

So the king hired the donkey.

And thus began the practice of hiring dumb asses to work in the government and occupy its highest and most influential positions.

The practice is unbroken to this date and thus, the democrat symbol was born!!!

This thread is titled HUMOR...what the hell is this doing here?

[PhantomOnTour]

Originally Posted by Parkview_Pirate

A Jewish man was leaving a convenience store with his espresso when he noticed a most unusual Italian funeral procession approaching the nearby cemetery. A black hearse was followed by a second black hearse about 50 feet behind the first one. Behind the second hearse was a solitary Italian man walking a dog on a leash. Behind him, a short distance back, were about 200 men walking in single file.

The Jewish man couldn't stand the curiosity. He respectfully approached the Italian man walking the dog and said: "I am so sorry for your loss, and this may be a bad time to disturb you, but I've never seen an Italian funeral like this. Whose funeral is it?"

"My wife's."

''What happened to her?"

"She yelled at me and my dog attacked and killed her."

He inquired further, "But who is in the second hearse?"

“My mother-in-law. She came to help my wife and the dog turned on her and killed her also.”

A very poignant and touching moment of Jewish and Italian brotherhood and silence passed between the two men.

The Jewish man then asked "Can I borrow the dog?"

The Italian man replied, "Get in the line."

Now that's funny !

[PaceAdvantage]

Originally Posted by PhantomOnTour

This thread is titled HUMOR...what the hell is this doing here?

Pretty sure there's been a handful of "jokes" aimed at Republicans in here...

[PhantomOnTour]

Originally Posted by PaceAdvantage

Pretty sure there's been a handful of "jokes" aimed at Republicans in here...

my point was that it wasn't funny...just a man expressing his opinion

(and yes, I am the judge of what's funny and what ain't!!) LOL

[PaceAdvantage]

Originally Posted by PhantomOnTour

my point was that it wasn't funny...just a man expressing his opinion

(and yes, I am the judge of what's funny and what ain't!!) LOL

That's cool. But then you asked "what the hell is this doing in here" or something to that effect.

While I didn't find it particularly funny either, I can see where it might qualify as a joke or humorous to some. So I thought maybe you had a problem with the political aspect of the post, as if political humor doesn't belong in here...sorry I misunderstood.

[ldiatone]

A bachelor who for companionship, had a beloved cat for over 10 years, plans a vacation to Paris and entrusts the cat with his brother. As soon as he arrives in Paris he calls his brother and asks how his cat is doing without him. "Oh, the cat? He's dead." said the brother bluntly. "I can't believe this!" yells the bachelor. "How could you tell me he's dead like that?" "How else was I supposed to tell you?" the brother asked. "Well you could have broke it to me gently." the brother went on. "When I called today you could have said he is up on the roof but the fire department is getting him down. Then tomorrow when I called you could have said that he fell while they were trying to rescue him and broke his back but, don't worry, the best vet in town was doing the surgery to repair it. And then when I called the third day you could have said they did all they could do but they couldn't save him." The brother thought about this and says, "That does sound better than the way I said it." "Never mind," says the bachelor exasperated, "How's mother?" The brother says "She's on the roof but the fire department is getting her down."

[ldiatone]

[ldiatone]

A plane is on its way to Sweden when a blonde woman in economy class gets up and moves into an open seat in the first class section.

The flight attendant watches her do this, and politely informs the woman that she must sit in economy class because that's the type of ticket she paid for.

The blonde replies, "I'm blonde, I'm beautiful, I'm going to Sweden and I'm staying right here."

After repeated attempts and no success at convincing the woman to move, the flight attendant goes into the cockpit and informs the pilot and co-pilot that there's a blonde bimbo sitting in first class who refuses to go back to her proper seat. The co-pilot goes back to the woman and explains why she needs to move, but once again the woman replies by saying, "I'm blonde, I'm beatiful, I'm going to Sweden and I'm staying right here."

The co-pilot returns to the cockpit and suggests that perhaps they should have the arrival gate call the police and have the woman arrested when they land. The pilot says, "You say she's blonde? I'll handle this. I'm married to a blonde. I speak blonde." He goes back to the woman and whispers quietly in her ear, and she says, "Oh, I'm sorry," then quickly moves back to her seat in economy class.

The flight attendant and co-pilot are amazed and ask him what he said to get her to move back to economy without causing any fuss.

"I told her first class isn't going to Sweden."

[ldiatone]

A girl went out on a date with a trumpet player, and when she came back her roommate asked, "Well, how was it? Did his embouchure make him a great kisser?"

"Nah," the first girl replied. "That dry, tight, tiny little pucker; it was no fun at all."

The next night she went out with a tuba player, and when she came back her roommate asked, "Well, how was his kissing?"

"Ugh!" the first girl exclaimed. "Those huge, rubbery, blubbery, slobbering slabs of meat; oh, it was just gross!"

The next night she went out with a French horn player, and when she came back her roommate asked, "Well, how was his kissing?"

"Well," the first girl replied, "his kissing was just so-so; but I loved the way he held me!"

[ldiatone]

How do you fix a broken tuba?
With a tuba glue.