HUMOR

[WaHoo]

i had a little boy trick or treating

he said Bick or Beat
and i said Trick or Treat and he said Bes
and i said you sure are cute what are you suppose to be and
he said a Byrate
and i said a Pirate and he said Bes
and i asked where are your Bucaneers
and he said right here on my Bucanhead

[HUSKER55]

Jose comes homes and finds a note on the TV which reads,
Dear Jose,
After 10 years I am leaving you. I changed my hair style and you didn't notice, I made your favorite meal and you didn't notice. I wore a really sexy nightgown and you said nothing.

I am leaving you for your brother Carlos for a better life so don't follow me or I will have you arrested.

Your ex, Marganita.

Jose leaves a note to his now ex-wife,

The last ten years have been tough on all of us but I thought there was light at the end of the tunnel. Did not know it was a train.

I noticed your new hairdo,...I just didn't like it so I said nothing as my mother taught me.

I noticed the really great meals but I haven't been hungry lately, had a lot on my mind, work, us and all.

But I noticed a couple of other things you should be aware of on your way out the door.

I lent Carlos $50 the other day and the tag you left on that "nighty" was for $50.

Yes I quit my job. You see I hit the lottery for $10 million and I can retire. Thanks for your letter because now you won't get a damn dime.


Now one more item, as I have to go now,...my brother Carlos was known as Carla when we were kids.

Have a nice life!

[sammy the sage]

I'd just come out of the shop with a roast beef sandwich, large chips, ear of corn & a jumbo sausage. A poor homeless man sat there and said 'I've not eaten for two days.' I told him, 'I wish I had your will power.'


A fat girl served me in McDonald's at lunchtime. She said 'sorry about the wait'. I said, 'Don't worry, you'll find a way to lose it eventually'.


I walked past a black kid sitting at a bus stop as I went into the bank. When I came out, he looked at me and said 'Any Change?' I said, 'Nope, you're still black'.


Snow in the forecast and the TV weather gal said she was expecting 8 inches tonight. I thought to myself, 'fat chance', with a face like that!


A 10-year Old Irish boy stands crying at the side of the road. A man passing by asks 'What's wrong, lad?' The boy says 'Me ma died this morning.' 'Oh bejaysus,' The man says. 'Do you want me to call Father O'Riley for you?' The boy replies, 'No tanks mister, sex is the last thing on my mind at the moment.'


Years ago it was suggested that an apple a day kept the doctor away. But since nearly all of the doctors are now Muslim, I've found that a bacon sandwich works best!


Japanese scientists have now created a camera with such a fantastic shutter speed that it is now possible to take a photograph of a woman with her mouth closed.


I hate all this terrorist business. I used to love the days when you could look at an unattended bag on a train or bus and think to yourself, 'I'm going to take that.'


Man in a hot air balloon is lost over Iowa . He looks down and sees a farmer in the fields and shouts to him, 'where am I?' The farmer looks back up and shouts back, 'you're in a basket you dumb _ _ _ _!'


I had a big lead in a trivia competition at a local bar until the last question which I got wrong. The question was where do women have the curliest hair? Fiji was the correct answer ... hell, how did I know they wanted the name of a country?


I took my Biology exam last Friday. I was asked to name two things commonly found in cells. Apparently "Blacks" and "Mexicans" were NOT the correct answers.


I've learned that pleasing everyone is impossible, but pissing everyone off is a piece of cake.

[sammy the sage]

Forgot to piss off old guys...

The doctor asked him how he was feeling, and the 86-year-old said, "Things are great and I've never felt better. I now have a 20 year-old bride who is pregnant with my child. So what do you think about that Doc?"

The doctor considered his question for a minute and then began to tell a story. "I have an older friend, much like you, who is an avid hunter and never misses a season.

One day he was setting off to go hunting. In a bit of a hurry, he accidentally picked up his walking cane instead of his gun As he neared alake, he came across a very large male beaver sitting at the water's edge.

He realized he'd left his gun at home and so he couldn't shoot the magnificent creature. Out of habit he raised his cane , aimed it at the animal as if it were his favorite hunting rifle and went 'bang,bang'.

"Miraculously, two shots rang out and the beaver fellover dead. Now, what do you think of that?" asked the doctor.

The 86-year-old said, "Logic would strongly suggest that somebody else pumped a couple of rounds into that beaver."

The doctor replied, "My point exactly."

[sammy the sage]

New



I will clear up a few misunderstandings:

Q. What is the difference between a Drug Dealer and a Hooker?
A. A Hooker can wash her crack and sell it again.
~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~ ~~~
Q. What's a mixed feeling?
A. When you see your Mother-In-Law backing off a cliff in your new car.
~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~ ~~~
Q. What's the height of conceit?
A. Having an orgasm and calling out your own name.
~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~ ~~~
Q. What's the definition of 'Macho'?
A. Jogging home from your vasectomy.
~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~ ~~~
Q. What's the difference between a G-Spot and a golf ball?
A. A guy will actually search for a golf ball
~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~ ~~~
Q. Do you know how New Zealanders practice safe sex?
A. They spray paint X's on the back of the sheep that kick!
~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~ ~~~
Q. What is a Yankee?
A. The same as a quickie, but a Guy can do it alone.
~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~ ~~~
Q. What do Tupperware and a Walrus have in common?
A. They both like a tight seal.
~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~ ~~~
Q. What do a Christmas tree and a Priest have in common?
A. Their balls are just for decoration.
~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~ ~~~
Q.What is the difference between 'ooooooh'and 'aaaaaaah'?
A. About three inches.
~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~ ~~~
Q. How do you find a Blind Man in a nudist colony?
A. It's not hard.
~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~ ~~~
Q: Why do men find it difficult to make eye contact?
A: Breasts don't have eyes.
~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~ ~~~
Q: What is the difference between medium and rare?
A: Six inches is medium, eight inches is rare.
~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~ ~~~
Q. Why do women rub their eyes when they get up in the morning?
A . They don't have balls to scratch!

[sammy the sage]

Two deaf people get married. During the first week of marriage, they find that they are unable to communicate in the bedroom when they turn off the lights because they can't see each other using sign language. After several nights of fumbling around and misunderstandings, the wife decides to find a solution.
"Honey," she signs, "Why don't we agree on some simple signals? For instance, at night, if you want to have sex with me, reach over and squeeze my left breast one time. If you don't want to have sex, reach over and squeeze my right breast one time."

The husband thinks this is a great idea and signs back to his wife, "Great idea, Now if you want to have sex with ME, reach over and pull on my penis one time. If you don't want to have sex, reach over and pull on my penis 50 times."

[sammy the sage]

DELETED - HIGHLY INAPPROPRIATE

[PaceAdvantage]

Originally Posted by sammy the sage

DELETED - HIGHLY INAPPROPRIATE

Seriously? WTF is wrong with you?

[Rwahi1]

An old couple were sitting in Church and the wife noticed that people were staring at her.

She leaned across to her husband and whispered, "I've just let go a silent fart. What do you think I should do?"

He said, "I think you should get fresh batteries for your hearing aid."

[Rwahi1]

Two old ladies are in a restaurant. One complains, "You know, the food here is just terrible." The other shakes her head and adds, "And such small portions."

[sammy the sage]

Originally Posted by PaceAdvantage

Seriously? WTF is wrong with you?

Service humor...every branch cuts down the other one...in WAY WORSE crude ways than THIS joke...

Yet...they'll DIE/have died...for EACH other and you and me...

Chill out boss man...j/geez....

guess it's TOO politically incorrect for today's world...esp. w/headlines...will refrain in the future on that type of joke....

[PaceAdvantage]

Originally Posted by sammy the sage

Service humor...every branch cuts down the other one...in WAY WORSE crude ways than THIS joke...

Yet...they'll DIE/have died...for EACH other and you and me...

Chill out boss man...j/geez....

guess it's TOO politically incorrect for today's world...esp. w/headlines...will refrain in the future on that type of joke....

Oh yes...pardon me...it's not like it's my website or anything...I'll just chill and let you tell me what should and shouldn't be posted here...

Thanks so much for setting me straight...

[fast4522]

Buy one get one free.

[sammy the sage]

Originally Posted by PaceAdvantage

Oh yes...pardon me...it's not like it's my website or anything...I'll just chill and let you tell me what should and shouldn't be posted here...

Thanks so much for setting me straight...

Interesting...yet you let others (one in particular) advocate the KILLING of millions..(muslins...friendly or foe)...frequently...oh well...like you said...it's your site...

[tucker6]

Originally Posted by sammy the sage

Interesting...yet you let others (one in particular) advocate the KILLING of millions..(muslins...friendly or foe)...frequently...oh well...like you said...it's your site...

I thought your 'joke' was in poor taste, even for off topic. A man propositioning a 7 year old boy for oral sex is not a joke, nor will it ever be. Trying to say that because you inserted servicemen into the story makes it okay is the only joke in what you wrote. You should be ashamed of yourself, but I doubt you will be. The fact that you wrote it, and after the fact still think it was okay to post, is troubling to me.