HUMOR

[ldiatone]

An American tourist on a busy Tel Aviv street suddenly stumbled and dropped his eyeglasses, bending the frame. He looked around to see if he could get them repaired, but didn't speak Hebrew or understand the alphabet. But then he spied a shop window with a display of eyeglasses, so he walked over and stepped inside, where he found a middle aged man seated in a chair and reading a book.

"Pardon me, sir," he said, "but I need my glasses repaired. Can you do this for me?"

The shopkeeper looked up from his book and replied, "I'm sorry, mister, but I don't repair glasses. I'm a mohel. I perform ritual circumcisions on Jewish infant boys."

"If that's the case," asked the bewildered tourist, "why do you have an eyeglass display in your window?"

The man replied, "Well, what would you put in the window?"

[TJDave]

Originally Posted by ldiatone

An American tourist on a busy Tel Aviv street suddenly stumbled and dropped his eyeglasses, bending the frame. He looked around to see if he could get them repaired, but didn't speak Hebrew or understand the alphabet. But then he spied a shop window with a display of eyeglasses, so he walked over and stepped inside, where he found a middle aged man seated in a chair and reading a book.

"Pardon me, sir," he said, "but I need my glasses repaired. Can you do this for me?"

The shopkeeper looked up from his book and replied, "I'm sorry, mister, but I don't repair glasses. I'm a mohel. I perform ritual circumcisions on Jewish infant boys."

"If that's the case," asked the bewildered tourist, "why do you have an eyeglass display in your window?"

The man replied, "Well, what would you put in the window?"

I thought I heard every Jewish joke in the world.

Congratulations, sir.

[ldiatone]

I had to stop playing darts with my pal. His head just wouldn't stick in the dartboard.

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Drop piano down mineshaft = A flat minor.
Drop piano on military base = A flat major.
Drop piano on military shower house = C major.

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If it's true that we are here to help others, then what exactly are the others here for?

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Why does Superman stop bullets with his chest, but ducks when you throw a revolver at him?

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I was sitting in my local cemetery one day when six guys passed me carrying a coffin. Half an hour later they passed me again, going the other way, still carrying the coffin. I thought to myself "These guys have completely lost the plot!"
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In the Bavarian capital Munich there was a Bierfest. The biggest amount of beer was drunk by Oleg Ivanich from Tambov, 480 km SE of Moscow, who watched the event on television.

[ldiatone]

here read this about the president...
http://cangamble.blogspot.ca/2017/02...eat-again.html

[ldiatone]

https://www.youtube.com/watch?v=gWOzUzJd6wM

[ldiatone]

A man goes to visit his doctor
MAN: Doctor, I can't stop singing Green Green Grass of Home.
DOCTOR: Sounds like "Tom Jones Syndrome"
MAN: Is it common?
DOCTOR: Well...It's Not Unusual.

[ldiatone]

Some cannibals capture a missionary and one is ready to toss him into a pot of boiling water. The other ones says, "Wait, don't boil him. This one is a fryer."

[magwell]

A farmer stopped by the local mechanics shop to have his truck fixed. They couldn't do it while he waited, so he said he didn't live far and would just walk home.
On the way home he stopped at the hardware store and bought a bucket and a gallon of paint. He then stopped by the feed store and picked up a couple of chickens and a goose. However, struggling outside the store he now had a problem - how to carry his entire purchases home.

While he was scratching his head he was approached by a little old lady who told him she was lost. She asked, 'Can you tell me how to get to 1603 Mockingbird Lane ?' The farmer said, 'Well, as a matter of fact, my farm is very close to that house I would walk you there but I can't carry this lot.'

The old lady suggested, 'Why don't you put the can of paint in the bucket. Carry the bucket in one hand, put a chicken under each arm and carry the goose in your other hand?' 'Why thank you very much,' he said and proceeded to walk the old girl home.

On the way he says 'Let's take my short cut and go down this alley. We'll be there in no time..

The little old lady looked him over cautiously then said, 'I am a lonely widow without a husband to defend me.... How do I know that when we get in the alley you won't hold me up against the wall, pull up my skirt, and have your way with me?'

The farmer said, 'Holy smokes lady! I'm carrying a bucket, a gallon of paint, two chickens, and a goose. How in the world could I possibly hold you up against the wall and do that?'

The old lady replied, 'Set the goose down, cover him with the bucket, put the paint on top of the bucket, and I'll hold the chickens.

[ldiatone]

Mr. Peterson, a tourist from Toronto, arrived in Barbados.
In an airport taxi cab, Peterson asked the driver, "Say, is this really a healthful place?"
"It sure is," the cabby replied. "When I arrived here I couldn't say one word. I had hardly any hair on my head. I didn't have the strength to walk across a room, and I had to be lifted out of bed."
"That's wonderful!" said the tourist, "How long have you been here?"
"I was born here."

[Clocker]

Originally Posted by ldiatone

Some cannibals capture a missionary and one is ready to toss him into a pot of boiling water. The other ones says, "Wait, don't boil him. This one is a fryer."

Two cannibals capture a clown and start eating him. One turns to the other and says, "Does this taste funny?"

[ldiatone]

A man sees a sign outside a house - 'Talking Dog For Sale.' He rings the bell, the owner appears and tells him the dog can be viewed in the back garden.

The man sees a very nice looking Labrador Retriever sitting there.

"Do you really talk?" he asks the dog.
"Yes," the Labrador replies.

After recovering from the shock of hearing the dog talk, he man asks, "So, tell me your story."

The Labrador looks up and says, "Well, I discovered that I could talk when I was pretty young. I wanted to help the government, so I told the SAS.

In no time at all they had me jetting from country to country, sitting in rooms with spies and world leaders, because no one imagined that a dog would be eavesdropping.

I was one of their most valuable spies for eight years.
But the jetting around really tired me out, and I knew I wasn't getting any younger so I decided to settle down.

I signed up for a job at Heathrow to do some undercover security work, wandering near suspicious characters and listening in. I uncovered some incredible dealings and was awarded several medals. I got married, had a few puppies, and now I've just retired."

The man is amazed. He goes back into the house and asks the owner how much he wants for the dog.

"Ten quid," the owner says.
"£10!!? But this dog is absolutely amazing! Why on earth are you selling him so cheaply?"

"Because he's a lying *******. He's never been out of the garden!!.

[ldiatone]

Why couldn't Beethoven find his teacher?
Because his teacher was Haydn.

Why did Beethoven get rid of his chickens?
Because they kept saying "Bach, Bach, Bach!"

What did the conductor say when he lost his baton?
"Go Telemann I've lost my baton."

What does the average human say when he reads these kinds of jokes?
"Man, these jokes are so bad, I can't Handel them."

[ldiatone]

A turkey was chatting with a bull.
‘I would love to be able to get to the top of that tree’ sighed the turkey, ‘but I haven’t got the energy.’
‘Well, why don’t you nibble on some of my droppings?’ replied the bull. ‘They’re packed with nutrients.’
The turkey pecked at a lump of dung, and found it actually gave him enough strength to reach the lowest branch of the tree.
The next day, after eating some more dung, he reached the second branch.
Finally after a fourth night, the turkey was proudly perched at the top of the tree.
He was promptly spotted by a farmer, who shot him out of the tree.
Moral of the story:
Bull Sh*t might get you to the top, but it won’t keep you there..

[ldiatone]

broke my wrist and I asked the nurse if I'd be able to play the piano. When she said yes, I said "Great. I couldn't play before!".

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Now when the president is in danger, does the secret service yell "Donald, duck!"?
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I was going to wear my camouflage jacket this morning but I couldn't find it!

[098poi]

This is from one of those Flo Commercials,

The broom said "Sorry I'm late I overswept"