HUMOR

[myhorse1]

> The Smiths were unable to conceive children and decided to use a
> surrogate father to start their family. On the day the proxy father
> was to arrive, Mr. Smith kissed his wife goodbye and said,
> 'Well, I'm off now. The man should be here soon.'
>
> Half an hour later, just by chance, a door-to-door baby photographer
> happened to ring the doorbell, hoping to make a sale. 'Good morning,
> Ma'am', he said, 'I've come to...'
>
> 'Oh, no need to explain,' Mrs. Smith cut in, embarrassed, 'I've been
> expecting you.'
>
> 'Have you really?' said the photographer. 'Well, that's good. Did you
> know babies are my specialty?'
> 'Well that's what my husband and I had hoped. Please come in and
> have a seat'.
>
> After a moment she asked, blushing, 'Well, where do we start?'
>
> 'Leave everything to me. I usually try two in the bathtub, one on the
> couch, and perhaps a couple on the bed. And sometimes the living room
> floor is fun. You can really spread out there.'
>
> 'Bathtub, living room floor? No wonder it didn't work out for Harry
> and me!'
>
> 'Well, Ma'am, none of us can guarantee a good one every time. But if
> we try several different positions and I shoot from six or seven angles,
> I'm sure you'll be pleased with the results.'
>
> 'My, that's a lot!' gasped Mrs. Smith.
>
> 'Ma'am, in my line of work a man has to take his time. I'd love to be
> In and out in five minutes, but I'm sure you'd be disappointed with
> that.'
>
>
> 'Don't I know it,' said Mrs. Smith quietly.
>
> The photographer opened his briefcase and pulled out a portfolio of
> his baby pictures. 'This was done on the top of a bus,' he said.
>
> 'Oh, my God!' Mrs. Smith exclaimed, grasping at her throat.
>
> 'And these twins turned out exceptionally well - when you consider
> their mother was so difficult to work with.'
>
> 'She was difficult?' asked Mrs. Smith.
>
> 'Yes, I'm afraid so. I finally had to take her to the park to get the
> job done. People were crowding around four and five deep to get a good
> look'
>
> 'Four and five deep?' said Mrs. Smith, her eyes wide with amazement.
>
>
> 'Yes', the photographer replied. 'And for more than three hours, too.
> The mother was constantly squealing and yelling - I could hardly
> concentrate, and when darkness approached I had to rush my shots.
> Finally,when the squirrels began nibbling on my equipment, I just had
> to pack it all in.'
>
> Mrs. Smith leaned forward. 'Do you mean they actually chewed on
> your, uh...equipment?'
>
> 'It's true, Ma'am, yes... Well, if you're ready, I'll set-up my
> tripod and we can get to work right away.'
>
> 'Tripod?'
>
> 'Oh yes, Ma'am. I need to use a tripod to rest my Canon on. It's much
> too big to be held in the hand very long.'
>
> Mrs. Smith fainted

[HUSKER55]

[Rwahi1]

A very attractive lady goes up to a bar in a quiet rural pub. She gestures alluringly to the bartender who comes over immediately. When he arrives, she seductively signals that he should bring his face closer to hers. When he does, she begins to gently caress his full beard.

"Are you the manager?" she asks, softly stroking his face with both hands. "Actually, no," the man replies.

"Can you get him for me? I need to speak to him," she says, running her hands beyond his beard and into his hair.

"Can't," breathes the bartender. "He's not here. Is there anything I can do?"

"Yes, there is. I need you to give him a message," she continues, running her forefinger across the bartender's lips and slyly popping a couple of her fingers into his mouth and allowing him to suck them gently.

"What should I tell him?" the bartender manages to say.

"Tell him," she whispers, "there is no toilet paper, hand soap, or paper towels in the ladies room."

[HUSKER55]

I am shaving off my beard....

[Rwahi1]

Originally Posted by HUSKER55

I am shaving off my beard....

.....you are funny

A guy calls a company and orders their 5-day, 5kg weight loss program.

The next day, there's a knock on the door and there stands before him a voluptuous, athletic, 19 year old babe dressed in nothing but a pair of Nike running shoes and a sign around her neck..

She introduces herself as a representative of the weight loss company. The sign reads, "If you can catch me, you can have me."

Without a second thought, he takes off after her. A few miles later puffing and puffing, he finally gives up. The same girl shows up for the next four days and the same thing happens. On the fifth day, he weighs himself and is delighted to find he has lost 5kg as promised.

He calls the company and orders their 5-day/10kg program. The next day there's a knock at the door and there stands the most stunning, beautiful, sexy woman he has ever seen in his life. She is wearing nothing but Reebok running shoes and a sign around her neck that reads, "If you catch me you can have me".

Well, he's out the door after her like a shot. This girl is in excellent shape and he does his best, but no such luck. So for the next four days, the same routine happens with him gradually getting in better and better shape.

Much to his delight on the fifth day when he weighs himself, he discovers that he has lost another 10kg as promised. He decides to go for broke and calls the company to order the 7-day/25kg program.

"Are you sure?" asks the representative on the phone. "This is our most rigorous program." "Absolutely," he replies, "I haven't felt this good in years."

The next day there's a knock at the door; and when he opens it he finds a huge muscular guy standing there wearing nothing but pink running shoes and a sign around his neck that reads, "If I catch you, you are mine."

He lost 33 kilos that week.

[jerry-g]

Halloween

[myhorse1]

I was walking down the street when a really disgusting and filthy homeless lady approached me for some money to buy herself some needed food.

I pulled out a $20 bill, and I asked her: If I gave this money would you really buy food or would you actually buy just more wine?

No No said the lady, I gave up alcohol years ago.

So I asked wouldn't you rather go shopping instead of buying food?

Are you crazy, asked the lady, I am in the surviving business.

Would't you go to a beauty salon rather than eat? I asked.

Listen said the lady, no one has touched my hair for over 20 years.

O.K. I said, if that is the case, instead of giving you the 20 bucks My Husband and I are going to take you out to dinner in the best restaurant in the city.

Dumb founded the lady said, look I so filthy and I stink to high heaven, your husband will be totally repulsed.

Don't you worry, I said, it is extremely important for my husband to see how a woman looks without good wine, shopping and a beauty saloon.

[sammy the sage]

ELDERLY people have problems that you haven't even considered yet!


An 85-year-old man was requested by his Doctor for a sperm count as part of his physical exam.



The doctor gave the man a jar and said, 'Take this jar home and bring back a semen sample tomorrow.'

The next day the 85-year-old man reappeared at the doctor's office and gave him the jar, which was as clean and empty as on the previous day.

The doctor asked what happened, and the man explained, 'Well, doc, it's like this -- first I tried with my right hand, but nothing. Then I tried with my left hand, but still nothing.

'Then I asked my wife for help. She tried with her right hand, then with her left, still nothing. She tried with her mouth, first with the teeth in,then with her teeth out, still nothing.

'We even called up Arleen, the lady next door and she tried too, first with both hands, then an armpit, and she even tried squeezin' it between her knees, but still nothing..'

The doctor was shocked! 'You asked your neighbor?'

The old man replied,



'Yep, none of us could get the jar open.'

[myhorse1]

When Insults Had Class


The famous exchange between Churchill & Lady Astor: She said, "If you were my husband I'd give you poison." He said, "If you were my wife, I'd drink it."

A member of Parliament to Disraeli: "Sir, you will either die on the gallows or of some unspeakable disease." "That depends, Sir," said Disraeli, "whether I embrace your policies or your mistress."

"He had delusions of adequacy." - Walter Kerr

"He has all the virtues I dislike and none of the vices I admire." - Winston Churchill

"I have never killed a man, but I have read many obituaries with great pleasure." Clarence Darrow

"He has never been known to use a word that might send a reader to the dictionary." - William Faulkner (about Ernest Hemingway).

"Thank you for sending me a copy of your book; I'll waste no time reading it." - Moses Hadas

"I didn't attend the funeral, but I sent a nice letter saying I approved of it." - Mark Twain

"He has no enemies, but is intensely disliked by his friends." - Oscar Wilde

George Bernard Shaw to Winston Churchill "I am enclosing two tickets to the first night of my new play; bring a friend.... if you have one." --Winston Churchill, in response - "Cannot possibly attend first night, will attend second... if there is one."

"I feel so miserable without you; it's almost like having you here." - Stephen Bishop

"He is a self-made man and worships his creator." - John Bright

"I've just learned about his illness. Let's hope it's nothing trivial." - Irvin S. Cobb

"He is not only dull himself; he is the cause of dullness in others." - Samuel Johnson

"He is simply a shiver looking for a spine to run up." - Paul Keating

"In order to avoid being called a flirt, she always yielded easily." - Charles, Count Talleyrand

"He loves nature in spite of what it did to him." - Forrest Tucker

"Why do you sit there looking like an envelope without any address on it?" - Mark Twain

"His mother should have thrown him away and kept the stork." - Mae West

"Some cause happiness wherever they go; others, whenever they go." - Oscar Wilde

"He uses statistics as a drunken man uses lamp-posts... for support rather than illumination." - Andrew Lang (1844-1912)

"He has Van Gogh's ear for music." - Billy Wilder

"I've had a perfectly wonderful evening. But this wasn't it." - Groucho Marx

[Rwahi1]

I was in the restaurant yesterday when I suddenly realized I desperately
needed to pass gas. The music was really, really loud, so I timed my
gas with the beat of the music.

After a couple of songs, I started to feel better. I finished my coffee,
and noticed that everybody was staring at me....

Then I suddenly remembered that I was listening to my iPod.

[jerry-g]

EVIL?

[myhorse1]

If you happened to be looking for a curse this might do.

May you have a rare disease and need an operation that only one surgeon in the world, the winner of the Nobel Prize for medicine,is able to perform. And may he be unable to perform it because he doesn't take your insurance.



And may that Nobel Laureate be your son.

[myhorse1]

Definitions -

School: A place where Papa pays and Son plays.

Life Insurance: A contract that keeps you poor all your life so that
You can die Rich

Nurse: A person who wakes you up to give you sleeping pills.

Marriage: It's an agreement in which a man loses his bachelor degree
And a woman gains her masters.

Tears: The hydraulic force by which masculine willpower is defeated by
Feminine waterpower.

Lecture: An art of transferring information from the notes of the
Lecturer to the notes of the students without passing through 'the
Minds of either'
>
> Conference: The confusion of one man multiplied by the number present
>
> Compromise: The art of dividing a cake in such a way that everybody believes he got the biggest piece.

Dictionary: A place where success comes before work.
>
> Conference Room: A place where everybody talks, nobody listens and everybody disagrees later on.
>
> Father: A banker provided by nature.
>
> Boss: Someone who is early when you are late and late when you are early.
>
> Politician: One who shakes your hand before elections and your Confidence after.
>
> Doctor: A person who kills your ills by pills, and kills you by bills.
>
> Classic: Books, which people praise, but do not read.
>
> Smile: A curve that can set a lot of things straight.
>
> Office: A place where you can relax after your strenuous home life.
>
> Yawn: The only time some married men ever get to open their mouth.

Etc.: A sign to make others believe that you know more than you actually do.
>
> Committee: Individuals who can do nothing individually and sit to decide that nothing can be done together.
>
> Experience: The name men give to their mistakes.

Atom Bomb: An invention to end all inventions.

Philosopher: A fool who torments himself during life, to be wise after death

[myhorse1]

Fiction is obliged to stick to possibilities--truth isn't.

mark twain

[shouldacoulda]

An old woman goes to the doctor for an exam. She tells him as he is examing her "Dr, my farts don't smell and they don't make any noise. In fact I'm farting right now but you can't tell because they don't smell and they don't make any noise". The Dr just continues the exam and hands her a prescription and tells her to set an appointment 2 weeks from today.

She goes back after 2 weeks and says "Dr, I don't know what was in those pills but my farts smell terrible". The Dr says "now that we got your sinuses straightened out, lets work on your hearing".