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05-25-2020, 10:31 AM
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#1576
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The Voice of Reason!
Join Date: Mar 2001
Location: Canandaigua, New york
Posts: 112,888
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Good stuff!
I once had an Alexa....she took out an order of protection on me!
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Who does the Racing Form Detective like in this one?
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06-16-2020, 06:07 AM
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#1577
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Join Date: Mar 2001
Location: Reno, NV
Posts: 16,921
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A very nice little old lady brings her bus driver a bag of peanuts every day. After a week or so of eating peanuts each day he asked the lady: "Please ma'am, don't bring me anymore peanuts. Keep them for yourself." The little old lady says: "Sonny, I can't eat them. I don't have teeth anymore. I just suck the chocolate off of them."
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06-16-2020, 09:46 AM
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#1578
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The Voice of Reason!
Join Date: Mar 2001
Location: Canandaigua, New york
Posts: 112,888
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Oh my~!
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Who does the Racing Form Detective like in this one?
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06-16-2020, 03:57 PM
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#1579
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Registered User
Join Date: Dec 2012
Location: Philadelphia area
Posts: 9,609
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Quote:
Originally Posted by ldiatone
A couple was shopping at the mall and the mall was packed.
Walking through the mall the surprised wife look up and noticed her
husband was no where around and she was very upset because they had a lot to do.
She used her cell phone to call her husband because she was so upset, to ask him where he was.
The husband in a calm voice said, honey remember the jewelry store we went into
5 years ago where you fell in love with that diamond necklace that we
could not afford and I told you that I would get it for you one day.
His wife said crying, yes I remember that jewelry store.
He said, well I'm in the Bass Pro Shop next to it.
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A wet track can cause handicapping havoc!!
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06-16-2020, 08:23 PM
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#1580
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Join Date: Mar 2001
Location: Reno, NV
Posts: 16,921
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A father took his eight year old daughter to work on "Take your child to Work Day"
As they were walking around the office the girl started crying and getting very upset.
As his co-workers gathered around, she sobbed loudly and said "Daddy, where are all the clowns you said you worked with".
(Yes, I have someone who is feeding me these.)
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08-08-2020, 05:55 PM
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#1581
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The Voice of Reason!
Join Date: Mar 2001
Location: Canandaigua, New york
Posts: 112,888
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Learned this on Shark Fest this week.
If a shark attack you in the water, punch it in the snout as hard as you can.
If that doesn't work, poke it in the eye with your stump!
__________________
Who does the Racing Form Detective like in this one?
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08-08-2020, 06:00 PM
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#1582
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The Voice of Reason!
Join Date: Mar 2001
Location: Canandaigua, New york
Posts: 112,888
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Bears
Bill went hiking in the mountains. The guide at the lodge asked him if he had any bear protection.
"What do you have in mind?" he asked.
"Let me show you some pictures. This here is black bear scat. IF you see this, a black bear is nearby, so you want to have some pepper spray. That will scare a black bear away."
"What about Grizzly bears"?" Bill asked.
"This here is grizzly scat" the guide said as he handed Bill another photo.
"But, this looks exactly like the black bear scat?"
"Yes, but this stuff smells peppery."
__________________
Who does the Racing Form Detective like in this one?
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08-13-2020, 06:50 PM
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#1583
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Registered User
Join Date: Jul 2004
Location: west view, pa. now Lancaster, Ca.
Posts: 3,382
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some silly ones
What is a myth?
A female moth!
Q: What did the farmer call the cow that had no milk?
A: An udder failure.
Q: What fish only swims at night?
A: A starfish!
Q: What do you get when you cross a snake and a pie?
A: A pie-thon!
Q: What is ‘out of bounds’?
A: An exhausted kangaroo!
Q: Why don’t blind people like to sky dive?
A: Because it scares the dog!
Q: What is gray and blue and very big?
A: An elephant holding its breath!
Q: What wears glass slippers and weighs over 4,000 pounds?
A: Cinderellephant
Q: Where do rabbits go after their wedding?
A: On their bunnymoon!
Q: What’s worse than raining cats and dogs?
A: Hailing taxi cabs!
Q: Why did the cat go to medical school?
A: To become a first aid kit
Q: What time does a duck wake up?
A: At the quack of dawn!
Q: What do you get if you cross fireworks with a duck?
A: A firequacker!
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Buy Sam a drink and get His dog one Too--->mlang
and now in Lancaster, CA.
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08-26-2020, 09:29 PM
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#1584
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Registered User
Join Date: Sep 2007
Posts: 4,149
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A man walks into a bar and asks for a corona and 2 hurricanes. The bartender says that’ll be $20.20
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08-30-2020, 10:20 PM
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#1585
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Registered User
Join Date: Aug 2009
Posts: 11,002
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RIOTING HAS SPREAD TO THE VILLAGES , NEAR ORLANDO IN FLORIDA
Rioting in major cities across the U.S. has spread to The Villages, Florida, a community of 100,000.
Looters in Florida’s friendliest hometown have especially broken into stores that sell items like laxatives, vitamins, hearing aids, reading glasses, energy drinks and surgical stockings.
The thugs were easily caught and arrested since they were using their walkers and golf carts to flee.
The protests have been limited to the early evening hours because most of the lawbreakers either had doctor’s appointments during the day or rioting would have interfered with their naps.
The marches didn’t last that long because many of the demonstrators had to get home to pee.
In many cases, the demonstrators simply forgot why they were even there.
Officials considered a curfew starting at 9 p.m. But since that’s the time when most of the residents go to bed anyway, it was decided that it wasn’t needed.
Community leaders concluded that part of the problem was that residents were restless because they had too much time on their hands since the recreation centers, pools, theaters, boutique stores and especially the bars were closed due to the coronavirus.
Community officials wanted to form a committee to look further into the problem, but the next day no one could remember why they needed a committee.
__________________
All I needed in life I learned from Gary Larson.
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08-31-2020, 08:22 AM
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#1586
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Registered User
Join Date: Jul 2003
Location: central fla.
Posts: 4,874
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Quote:
Originally Posted by TJDave
RIOTING HAS SPREAD TO THE VILLAGES , NEAR ORLANDO IN FLORIDA
Rioting in major cities across the U.S. has spread to The Villages, Florida, a community of 100,000.
Looters in Florida’s friendliest hometown have especially broken into stores that sell items like laxatives, vitamins, hearing aids, reading glasses, energy drinks and surgical stockings.
The thugs were easily caught and arrested since they were using their walkers and golf carts to flee.
The protests have been limited to the early evening hours because most of the lawbreakers either had doctor’s appointments during the day or rioting would have interfered with their naps.
The marches didn’t last that long because many of the demonstrators had to get home to pee.
In many cases, the demonstrators simply forgot why they were even there.
Officials considered a curfew starting at 9 p.m. But since that’s the time when most of the residents go to bed anyway, it was decided that it wasn’t needed.
Community leaders concluded that part of the problem was that residents were restless because they had too much time on their hands since the recreation centers, pools, theaters, boutique stores and especially the bars were closed due to the coronavirus.
Community officials wanted to form a committee to look further into the problem, but the next day no one could remember why they needed a committee.
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Now that was funny...
Considering that place IS the STD capital of USA....this part should be restated as to why...
Community leaders concluded that part of the problem was that residents were restless because they had too much time on their hands since the recreation centers, pools, theaters, boutique stores and especially the bars were closed due to the coronavirus.
Community officials wanted to form a committee to look further into the problem, but the next day no one could remember why they needed a committee.
__________________
got handed a lemon...make lemonade....add sugar or brown sugar or stevia or my personal favorite....miracle fruit....google it...thank me later...
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09-02-2020, 06:09 PM
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#1587
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The Voice of Reason!
Join Date: Mar 2001
Location: Canandaigua, New york
Posts: 112,888
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My doctor prescribed me with an experimental treatment for COVID-19......seems to be working!
__________________
Who does the Racing Form Detective like in this one?
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09-02-2020, 06:13 PM
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#1588
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The Voice of Reason!
Join Date: Mar 2001
Location: Canandaigua, New york
Posts: 112,888
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Adjusting to Home Schooling, but it is still not as bad as it could be for food.
__________________
Who does the Racing Form Detective like in this one?
Last edited by Tom; 09-02-2020 at 06:16 PM.
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09-02-2020, 06:22 PM
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#1589
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Registered User
Join Date: Jun 2008
Posts: 10,173
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Quote:
Originally Posted by Tom
Adjusting to Home Schooling, but it is still not as bad as it could be for food.
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for the one on the left. Completely true. I wouldn't eat tofo if I was starving to death. I'd try dirt first.
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09-02-2020, 07:29 PM
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#1590
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Librocubicularist
Join Date: Jun 2010
Location: Ohio
Posts: 10,466
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Quote:
Originally Posted by tucker6
I wouldn't eat tofo if I was starving to death. I'd try dirt first.
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Many years ago my wife and I went to a party at her boss's house. They served a whole bunch of stuff made from tofu. On the way home I suggested that we drive through MacDonalds for a burger.
"Didn't you get enough at the party?" she asked.
"Not much. I wasn't very good."
"Everybody else seemed to like it."
"Give me a break. The boss's wife was doing the cooking."
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Same party. They had hors d'oeuvres on a tray on a coffee table. Their dog got one of them. The boss's wife took it away from the dog and put it back on the tray. I did not eat any more of them.
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Sapere aude
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