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Old 06-01-2015, 08:00 PM   #811
Shemp Howard
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A very nice, innocent Australian woman wants to get married, but she is only willing to marry a man if he has never had sex with another woman. After several unsuccessful years of searching, she decides to take out a personal ad.

She ends up corresponding with Scotty Greer, who has lived his entire life in the Australian Outback and he has no experience with women. They meet and she is very happy with him; she feels that they are perfect for each other. Eventually they end up getting married.

On their wedding night, she goes into the bathroom to prepare for the evening. When she returns to the bedroom, she finds her new husband standing in the middle of the room, naked. All the furniture from the room is piled in one corner.

"What happened?" she asks.

"I've never been with a woman" he says, "But if it's anything like a kangaroo, I'm gonna need all the room I can get.
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Old 06-13-2015, 04:01 PM   #812
dartman51
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It was entertainment night at the senior citizens' center. After the
community sing along led by Alice at the piano, it was time for the star of
the show - Claude the Hypnotist!


Claude explained that he was going to put the whole audience into a trance.
"Yes, each and every one of you and all at the same time." said Claude.


The excited chatter dropped to silence as Claude carefully withdrew from his
waistcoat pocket a beautiful antique gold pocket watch and chain. "I want
you to keep your eyes on this watch" said Claude, holding the watch high for
all to see. "It is a very special and valuable watch that has been in my
family for six generations" said Claude.


He began to swing the watch gently back and forth while quietly chanting
"Watch the watch --- Watch the watch --- Watch the watch"


The audience became mesmerized as the watch swayed back and forth. The
lights were twinkling as they were reflected from its gleaming surfaces. A
hundred and fifty pairs of eyes followed the movements of the gently swaying
watch.


They were hypnotized. And then, suddenly, the chain broke! The beautiful
watch fell to the stage and burst apart on impact"


"SHIT" said Claude.


It took them three days to clean the Senior citizens' Center and Claude was
never invited there again.
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Old 06-13-2015, 06:30 PM   #813
fast4522
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NewsBusted 06/09/15

https://www.youtube.com/watch?v=KDj17z5uq_E
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Old 06-13-2015, 07:45 PM   #814
Steve 'StatMan'
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Quote:
Originally Posted by Shemp Howard
A very nice, innocent Australian woman wants to get married, but she is only willing to marry a man if he has never had sex with another woman. After several unsuccessful years of searching, she decides to take out a personal ad.

She ends up corresponding with Scotty Greer, who has lived his entire life in the Australian Outback and he has no experience with women. They meet and she is very happy with him; she feels that they are perfect for each other. Eventually they end up getting married.

On their wedding night, she goes into the bathroom to prepare for the evening. When she returns to the bedroom, she finds her new husband standing in the middle of the room, naked. All the furniture from the room is piled in one corner.

"What happened?" she asks.

"I've never been with a woman" he says, "But if it's anything like a kangaroo, I'm gonna need all the room I can get.
Great One Shemp! I needed another really good, new to me, laugh today!
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Old 06-14-2015, 12:30 PM   #815
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Two old guys sitting on a park bench:

I think my wife's dead.

What do you mean you think she's dead?

Well, the sex is OK but the dishes are piling up.
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Old 06-14-2015, 12:34 PM   #816
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Quote:
Originally Posted by TJDave
Two old guys sitting on a park bench:

I think my wife's dead.

What do you mean you think she's dead?

Well, the sex is OK but the dishes are piling up.
Rimshot!
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Old 06-18-2015, 12:26 PM   #817
Tom
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What is the difference between a Harley and a Hoover?


The size of the dirt bag on it.
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Old 06-22-2015, 08:44 AM   #818
cj's dad
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The Jewish Quarterback


The Jewish Quarterback

The coach had put together the perfect team for the Baltimore Ravens. The only thing that was missing was a good quarterback. He had scouted all the colleges and even the Canadian and European Leagues, but he couldn't find a ringer who could ensure a Super Bowl win.

Then one night while watching CNN he saw a war-zone scene in the West Bank. In one corner of the background, he spotted a young Israeli soldier with a truly incredible arm. He threw a hand-grenade straight into a 15th story window 100 yards away.

KABOOM!
He threw another hand-grenade 75 yards away, right into a chimney.

KA-BLOOEY!

Then he threw another at a passing car going 90 mph.

BULLS-EYE!

"I've got to get this guy!" Coach said to himself. "He has the perfect Arm!"

So, he brings him to the States and teaches him the great game of football. And the Ravens go on to win the Super Bowl.
The young man is hailed as the great hero of football, and when the coach asks him what he wants, all the young man wants is to call his Mother.

"Mom," he says into the phone, "I just won the Super Bowl!"

"I don't want to talk to you, the old woman says. "You are not my son!"

"I don't think you understand, Mother," the young man pleads. "I've won the greatest sporting event in the world. I'm here among thousands of my adoring fans."

"No! Let me tell you!" his mother retorts. "At this very moment, there are gunshots all around us. The neighborhood is a pile of rubble. Your two brothers were beaten within an inch of their lives last week, and I have to keep your sister in the house so she doesn't get raped!" The old lady pauses, and then tearfully says,

“I will never forgive you for making us move from Israel to Baltimore!!!!
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I wouldn't say I drink too much but my mother did tell me that my first words were" when does happy hour start"?
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Old 06-22-2015, 12:50 PM   #819
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Good one.
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Old 06-23-2015, 07:50 AM   #820
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Funny. Never saw THAT punch line coming.
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Old 06-24-2015, 04:14 PM   #821
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A Mormon was seated next to an Irishman on a Flight from London. After the plane was airborne, drink orders were taken. The Irishman asked for a whiskey, which was promptly brought and placed before him.







The Flight attendant then asked the Mormon if he would like a drink.



He replied in disgust, "I'd rather be savagely raped by a dozen Women than let liquor touch my lips.







"The Irishman then handed his drink back to the attendant and said, "Me too, I didn't know we had a choice."
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Old 06-24-2015, 04:42 PM   #822
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Curtis & Magwell,

You guys are just excellent at this.

Tom, on the other hand... Some people just can't tell a story.
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Old 06-25-2015, 01:56 PM   #823
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Irish Humor

Irishman's first drink with his son...



While reading an article last night about fathers and sons, memories


came flooding back to the time I took me son out for his first pint.

Off we went to our local pub only two blocks from the cottage.

I got him a Guinness.
He didn't like it, so I drank it.

Then I got him a Kilkenny's, he didn't like that either, so I drank it.

Finally, I thought he might like some Harp Lager.
He didn't. I drank it.

I thought maybe he'd like whiskey better than beer so we tried a
Jameson's, nope!

In desperation, I had him try that rare Redbreast, Ireland's finest.

He wouldn't even smell it.

What could I do but drink it!







By the time I realized he just didn't like to drink, I was so drunk I could hardly push the stroller home!
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Old 06-27-2015, 10:52 AM   #824
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WHO IS JACK SCHITT?

The family lineage is finally revealed.
Many people are at a loss for response when someone says "You don't know Jack Schitt."

Now you can intellectually handle this situation.

Jack is the only son of Awe Schitt and O. Schitt.
Awe Schitt, the fertilizer magnate, married O. Schitt, a partner
in the law firm of Kneedeep & Schitt LPC.

In turn, Jack Schitt married Noe Schitt, and the deeply religious couple produced 6 children: Holie Schitt, Fulla Schitt, Giva Schitt, Bull Schitt, and the twins: Deap Schitt and Dip Schitt.

Against her parents' objections, Deap Schitt married Dumb Schitt,
who was a high school drop out.

After being for married for 15 years, Jack and Noe Schitt divorced.

Noe Schitt then later married Mr. Sherlock, and because her kids were
still living at home with them, she decided to keep her previous married name.
She was then known as Noe Schitt- Sherlock.
Now a cousin Dip Schitt married Loda Schitt and they produced a nervous son, named
Chiken Schitt.

Fulla Schitt and Giva Schitt were inseparable best friends throughout childhood
and subsequently married two brothers whose last name was Happens in a dual church ceremony.
The wedding announcement in the local newspaper proudly announced the
Schitt-Happens wedding.

The Schitt-Happens children were Dawg, Byrd, and Hoarse.

Bull Schitt, the prodigal son, left home to tour the world. He recently returned from
Italy with his new bride, Pissa Schitt.

So now if someone says, "You don't know Jack Schitt", you can correct them.

Not only do you know Jack, you know his whole family!
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Old 06-27-2015, 11:01 AM   #825
magwell
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Catsa

CATSA disclosed the following
Airport Screening Results
December 2014 Statistics On Airport Full Body Screening From CATSA :
Terrorists Discovered
0
Transvestites
133
Hernias
1,485
Hemorrhoid Cases
3,172
Enlarged Prostates
8,249
Breast Implants
59,350
Natural Blondes
3
It was also discovered that 308 politicians
Had no balls.
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