HUMOR

[Nutz and Boltz]

https://www.youtube.com/watch?v=2FPrJxTvgdQ

[Tom]

TEACHER: Maria, go to the map and find North America.
MARIA: Here it is.
TEACHER: Correct. Now class, who discovered America ?
CLASS: Maria.

ROTFLMAO!

[magwell]

I was walking through the shopping mall and I saw that there was a "Muslim Book Store." I was wondering what exactly was in a Muslim bookstore so I went in. As I was wandering around taking a look, the clerk stopped me and asked if he could help me. I imagine I didn't look like his normal clientele, so I asked:



"Do you have a copy of Donald Trump's book on his U.S. Immigration Policy regarding Muslims and illegal Mexicans?"



The clerk said, "Screw you. Get out and stay out!"



I said, "Yes, that's the one. Do you have it in paperback?

[Nutz and Boltz]

https://www.youtube.com/watch?v=hbok7_gZ4HA

[magwell]

Bees & Golf
>> A young woman had been taking golf lessons.
>> She had just started playing her first round of golf when she
>> suffered a bee sting. Her pain was so intense that she decided to
>> return to the clubhouse for help and to complain.
>> Her golf pro Graham saw her come into the clubhouse and asked, 'Why
>> are you back in so early ? What's wrong ?'
>>
>> 'I was stung by a bee', she said.
>>
>> 'Where ?' he asked.
>>
>> 'Between the first and second hole', she replied.
>>
>> He nodded knowingly and said, 'Then your feet were too far apart.'
>>

[myhorse1]

Lawyers should never ask a Georgia grandma a question if they aren't prepared for the answer. In a trial, a Southern small-town prosecuting attorney called his first witness, a grandmotherly, elderly woman to the stand. He approached her and asked, 'Mrs. Jones, do you know me?' She responded, 'Why, yes, I do know you, Mr. Williams. I've known you since you were a boy, and frankly, you've been a big disappointment to me. You lie, you cheat on your wife, and you manipulate people and talk about them behind their backs. You think you're a big shot when you haven't the brains to realize you'll never amount to anything more than a two-bit paper pusher. Yes, I know you.'

The lawyer was stunned. Not knowing what else to do, he pointed across the room and asked, 'Mrs. Jones, do you know the defense attorney?' She again replied, 'Why yes, I do. I've known Mr. Bradley since he was a youngster, too. He's lazy, bigoted, and he has a drinking problem. He can't build a normal relationship with anyone, and his law practice is one of the worst in the entire state. Not to mention he cheated on his wife with three different women. One of them was your wife. Yes, I know him.' The defense attorney nearly died.

The judge asked both counselors to approach the bench and, in a very quiet voice, said, 'If either of you idiots asks her if she knows me, I'll send you both to the electric chair.

[dartman51]

A man staggered into a hospital with a concussion, multiple bruises, two black eyes, and a five-iron wrapped tightly around his throat. Naturally, the Doctor asked him, "What happened to you?" "Well," said the man, "I was having a quiet round of golf with my wife, when at a difficult hole, we both sliced our balls into a cow pasture. We went to look for them, and while I was looking around, I noticed one of the cows had something white in it's rear end. I walked over, lifted it's tail, and sure enough, there was a golf ball with my wife's monogram on it - stuck in the middle of the cow's butt." Still holding the cow's tail up, I yelled to my wife, "Hey, this looks like yours!"

"I don't remember much after that."

[myhorse1]

Ed and Nancy met on a cruise ship..... When they discovered they lived in the same city only a few miles apart Ed was ecstatic. He immediately started asking her out when they got home.

Within a couple of weeks, Ed had taken Nancy to dance clubs, restaurants, concerts, movies, and museums. Ed became convinced that Nancy was indeed his soul mate and true love. Every date seemed better than the last.

On the one-month anniversary of their first dinner on the cruise ship, Ed took Nancy to a fine restaurant. While having cocktails and waiting for their salad, Ed said, "I guess you can tell I'm very much in love with you. I'd like a little serious talk before our relationship continues to the next stage.

"So, before I get a box out of my jacket and ask you a life changing question, it's only fair to warn you, I'm a total golf nut. I play golf, I read about golf, I watch golf on TV. In short, I eat, sleep, and breathe golf. If that's going to be a problem for us, you'd better say so now!"

Nancy took a deep breath and responded, "Ed, that certainly won't be a problem. I love you as you are and I love golf too; but, since we're being totally honest with each other, you need to know that for the last five years I've been a hooker."

"Oh wow! I see," Ed replied. He looked down at the table, was quiet for a moment. Deep in serious thought then he added, "You know, it's probably because you're not keeping your wrists straight when you hit the ball."

[Nutz and Boltz]

The great God, Thor became bored just sitting in Norse Heaven , so he returned to Earth for some diversion with a pretty young maiden. Thor's sexual appetite was phenomenal and they continued way into the night. After the maiden couldn't take any more, she pushed him away. This angered Thor and he yelled out "Do you realize that I am the almighty Thor?"She yelled back at him "you're mighty thor, I'm so thor that I can't even pith !

[myhorse1]

An elderly Italian Jew wanted to unburden his guilty conscience by talking to his Rabbi. "Rabbi, during World War II, when the Germans entered Italy, I pretended to be a Catholic and changed my name from Levy to Spumoni, and I am alive today because of it."
"Self preservation is allowable, and the fact that you never forgot that you were a Jew is admirable," said the Rabbi."Rabbi, during the war, a beautiful Jewish woman knocked on my door and asked me to hide her from the Germans. I hid her in my attic, and they never found her."
"That was a wonderful thing you did, and you have no need to feel guilty."
"It's worse, Rabbi. I was weak and told her she must repay me with sexual favors, which she did, repeatedly."
"You were both in great danger and would have suffered terribly if the Germans had found her. There is a favorable balance between good and evil, and you will be judged kindly. Give up your feelings of guilt."
"Thank you, Rabbi. That's a great load off my mind. But I have one more question."
"And what is that?"

"Should I tell her the war is over?

[magwell]

There was this Chinese girl at a travel agency when I was in Shanghai , I asked her if she could escort me for a city tour and asked for her mobile number, so I could call her to make arrangements.






She got excited and said:
"sex sex sex, wan free sex for tonigh"






Wow, I'm guessing this is how Chinese women express their hospitality!






But then, my friend interpreted it for me and told me what she really said : 666136429

[myhorse1]

An old man was sitting on a bus. A young man sat down beside him. He had spiked hair in all different colors: green,red,orange,blue,and yellow. The old man Just stared.
Every time the young man looked,the old man was staring. The young man finally said sarcastically, "What's the matter old timer, never done anything wild in your life?"
Without batting an eye, the old man replied, "Got drunk once and had sex with a parrot.

I was just wondering if you were my son.

[sammy the sage]

heard it was a peacock...parrot/peacock...still FUNNY...

[myhorse1]

Early one morning, a mother went in to wake up her son.
"Wake up, son. It's time to go to school!"
"But why, Mom? I don't want to go."
"Give me two reasons why you don't want to go."
"Well, the kids hate me for one, and the teachers hate me also!"
"Oh, that's no reason not to go to school. Come on now and get ready."
"Give me two reasons why I should go to school."

"Well, for one, you're 52 years old.

And for another, you're the PRINCIPAL!"

[The Judge]

Bob, a 70-year old, extremely wealthy widower, shows up at the country club with a breathtakingly beautiful and very sexy 25-year old woman who knocks everyone’s socks’ off with her youthful sex appeal and charm, and hangs over Bob’s arm and listens intently to his every word.

His buddies at the club are all aghast and at the very first chance, they corner him and ask, “Bob, how’d you get the trophy girlfriend?” Bob replies, “Girlfriend? She’s my wife.” They are knocked over, but continue to ask. “So, how’d you persuade her to marry you?” Bob says, “I lied about my age.” What did you tell her, you were only 50?” Bob smiles and says, “No, I told her I was 90.”