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12-17-2019, 06:45 PM
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#1516
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The Voice of Reason!
Join Date: Mar 2001
Location: Canandaigua, New york
Posts: 112,887
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__________________
Who does the Racing Form Detective like in this one?
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12-27-2019, 08:33 AM
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#1517
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Registered User
Join Date: Jul 2003
Location: central fla.
Posts: 4,874
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Little Johnny comes down to breakfast. Since they live on a farm his mother asked if he'd done his chores.
"Not yet", says little Johnny.
Mother says, "No breakfast until your chores are done."
Well, he's a little pissed off, so he goes and feeds the chickens and he kicks a chicken. He goes and feeds the cows and kicks a cow. He goes and feeds the pigs and kicks a pig. He goes back in for breakfast and his mother gives him a bowl of dry cereal.
"How come I don't get any eggs and bacon?" "How come I dont have any milk in my cereal?" He asks. Well, his mother says, "I saw you kick a chicken so you don't get any eggs for a week." "I saw you kick a pig, so your not getting any bacon for a week." "I also saw you kick a cow, so for a week your not getting any milk."
Just then, his father comes down for breakfast and kicks the cat half way across the kitchen. Little Johnny looks up at his mother with a smile and says: "Are you going to tell him or should I?"
__________________
got handed a lemon...make lemonade....add sugar or brown sugar or stevia or my personal favorite....miracle fruit....google it...thank me later...
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01-02-2020, 02:14 PM
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#1518
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Registered User
Join Date: Jul 2004
Location: west view, pa. now Lancaster, Ca.
Posts: 3,382
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How do you keep bacon from curling in the pan?
You take away their little brooms
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What's the best thing about Switzerland?
I don't know, but their flag is a big plus!
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What did the left eye say to the right eye?
"Just between you and me, something smells!"
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How do the Chinese do a stir fry?
Easy, I'll wok you through it
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How did Joseph and Mary know the weight of baby Jesus?
They had a weigh in a manger!
__________________
Buy Sam a drink and get His dog one Too--->mlang
and now in Lancaster, CA.
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01-10-2020, 12:40 PM
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#1519
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gelding
Join Date: Oct 2008
Posts: 8,883
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01-10-2020, 11:45 PM
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#1520
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Librocubicularist
Join Date: Jun 2010
Location: Ohio
Posts: 10,466
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A guy gets a traffic and has to go to court. As he waits his turn he says to the guy sitting next to him "They're going alphabetically by last name. I'll be here all day. My last name is Watson."
The other guy says "I'm Mr. Ziegler."
__________________
Sapere aude
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01-11-2020, 12:51 AM
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#1521
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Registered User
Join Date: May 2008
Location: Nebraska
Posts: 15,125
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Quote:
Originally Posted by FantasticDan
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01-11-2020, 08:48 AM
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#1522
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Registered User
Join Date: Mar 2015
Location: Diez meses en Port St. Lucie, FL; two months in the Dominican Republic
Posts: 4,355
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A guy walks into the country club locker room fuming "I just got a ticket for parking my car in the golf course's handicapped parking space"
His buddy says to him, "But you don't have a handicap"
The guy replies, "Yes I do.It's six".
__________________
"But don't ask me what I think of you, I might not give the answer that you want me to. "
Fleetwood Mac, Oh Well, Part 1 (1969)
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01-11-2020, 12:41 PM
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#1523
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Registered User
Join Date: Oct 2007
Location: Houston , Tx.
Posts: 9,595
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Two Aggies ride a horse to an Aggie football game figuring they'll save on parking. As they pass in front of the stadium two guys start laughing and one says "look at those 2 assholes on that horse". The 2 Aggies just look at them scratching their heads.
So they go to the game and upon exiting when it was over, to their amazement at least 12 other horses were tied up next to theirs. They all look the same and the Aggies are confused. One Aggie begins lifting the tails one by one, his buddy asks "what the hell are you doing?" His buddy replies "just looking for the one with the 2 assholes...that's ours".
Last edited by Marshall Bennett; 01-11-2020 at 12:43 PM.
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01-12-2020, 01:38 PM
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#1524
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gelding
Join Date: Oct 2008
Posts: 8,883
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01-13-2020, 04:43 PM
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#1525
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Registered User
Join Date: Jul 2004
Location: west view, pa. now Lancaster, Ca.
Posts: 3,382
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Quote:
Originally Posted by FantasticDan
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i remember this fellow. his one line on one of his show is when he was using a 2 tine fork to pick up a food product and he starts singing " 2 tine 2 tine"
__________________
Buy Sam a drink and get His dog one Too--->mlang
and now in Lancaster, CA.
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01-19-2020, 12:55 AM
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#1526
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Registered User
Join Date: Aug 2007
Posts: 1,128
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just found this one
George's friend Sam had a dog who could recite the Gettysburg Address. "Let
me buy him from you," pleaded George after a demonstration.
"Okay," agreed Sam. "All he knows is that Lincoln speech anyway."
At his company's Fourth of July picnic, George brought his new pet
and announced that the animal could recite the entire Gettysburg Address.
No one believed him, and they proceeded to place bets against the dog.
George quieted the crowd and said, "Now we'll begin!" Then he looked at
the dog. The dog looked back. No sound. "Come on, boy, do your stuff."
Nothing. A disappointed George took his dog and went home.
"Why did you embarrass me like that in front of everybody?" George
yelled at the dog. "Do you realize how much money you lost me?"
"Don't be silly, George," replied the dog. "Think of the odds we're
gonna get on Labor Day."
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01-23-2020, 03:00 PM
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#1527
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gelding
Join Date: Oct 2008
Posts: 8,883
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02-03-2020, 01:56 PM
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#1528
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gelding
Join Date: Oct 2008
Posts: 8,883
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02-03-2020, 02:04 PM
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#1529
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Registered User
Join Date: Nov 2009
Location: donkeys ride from ASD
Posts: 13,002
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__________________
'complicated business folks, complicated business.'
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02-04-2020, 12:43 PM
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#1530
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gelding
Join Date: Oct 2008
Posts: 8,883
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Posting Rules
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