HUMOR

[Rwahi1]

There are three moms. .

A Brunette, a Redhead, and a Blonde.

They were all talking one day and the brunette says "Oh my gosh y'all I went through my daughter's purse the other day to get some gum, and I found an ounce of weed. I cannot believe she smokes weed"

They comfort her, and the redhead says "Yeah, well I found a fake I. D. In my daughter's purse. I cannot believe she has one". So they all comfort her.

Then the blonde says "That's nothing. I found a condom in my daughter's purse. I just cannot believe she has a penis.

[magwell]

NFL ALERT!




Because the American Indian Counsel has
requested the NFL disassociate itself from
Indian names, the Washington Redskins
have announced that they will change their
name to the Washington Foreskins, in honor
of all the dickheads in Washington DC.

[Rwahi1]

One day his dad gets a new job so his family has to move to a new city.

Johnny's daddy thinks, "I'll get a head start on Johnny's gambling."

So he calls the teacher and says, "My son Johnny will be starting your class tomorrow but he likes to gamble so you'll have to keep an eye on him."

The teacher says OK, she can handle it.

The next day Johnny walks into class and hands the teacher an apple and says, "Hi, my name is Johnny."

She says yes I know who you are.

Johnny smiles and says, "I bet you ten dollars you've got a mole on your butt."

The teacher thinks that she will break his little gambling problem so she takes him up on the bet.

She pulls her pants down and shows him her butt and there was no mole.

That afternoon, Johnny goes home and tells his dad that he lost ten dollars to the teacher and why.

So his dad calls the teacher and says, "Johnny said that he bet you that you had a mole on your butt and he lost."

The teacher says, "Yeah, and I think I broke his gambling problem."

Johnny's dad laughs and says, "No you didn't, he bet me a hundred dollars this morning that he'd see your ass before the day was over."

[Marshall Bennett]

Now THAT....was funny

[BlueShoe]

Mickey O'Flynn worked in an Irish pickle factory. For many years he had a powerful desire to put his penis in the pickle slicer.

Unable to stand it any longer, he sought professional help from the company psychologist. After six months, the therapist gave up. He advised Mickey to go ahead and do it or he would probably never have peace of mind.

The next day he came home from work very early. His wife, Mary, became alarmed and wanted to know what had happened. Mickey tearfully confessed to his tormenting desire to put his penis in the pickle slicer. He went on to explain that today he finally went ahead and did it, and that he was immediately fired.

Mary gasped and ran over to her husband. She quickly yanked down his pants and shorts only to find a normal, completely intact penis. She looked up and said, "I don't understand. What about the pickle slicer?"

Mickey replied, "I think she got fired too."

[Rwahi1]

Two bored dealers are waiting around for someone to walk up and try their luck at the craps table. A very attractive lady comes in and wants to bet twenty-thousand dollars on a single roll of the dice. The dealers agree.

She says, "I hope you don't mind, but I feel much luckier when I'm half naked." With that she strips naked from the waist down, and rolls the dice while yelling, "Momma needs a new pair of pants!" She then begins jumping up and down and hugging each of the dealers.

"YES! I WIN! I WIN!" With that she picks up her money and clothes and quickly leaves.

The dealers just stare at each other dumbfounded. Finally one of them asks, "What did she roll anyway?" The other answers, "I don't know. I thought YOU were watching the dice!"

[Zydeco]

Originally Posted by Rwahi1

One day his dad gets a new job so his family has to move to a new city.

Johnny's daddy thinks, "I'll get a head start on Johnny's gambling."

So he calls the teacher and says, "My son Johnny will be starting your class tomorrow but he likes to gamble so you'll have to keep an eye on him."

The teacher says OK, she can handle it.

The next day Johnny walks into class and hands the teacher an apple and says, "Hi, my name is Johnny."

She says yes I know who you are.

Johnny smiles and says, "I bet you ten dollars you've got a mole on your butt."

The teacher thinks that she will break his little gambling problem so she takes him up on the bet.

She pulls her pants down and shows him her butt and there was no mole.

That afternoon, Johnny goes home and tells his dad that he lost ten dollars to the teacher and why.

So his dad calls the teacher and says, "Johnny said that he bet you that you had a mole on your butt and he lost."

The teacher says, "Yeah, and I think I broke his gambling problem."

Johnny's dad laughs and says, "No you didn't, he bet me a hundred dollars this morning that he'd see your ass before the day was over."

Is this a young whifflebal whizz????

[Rwahi1]

A man was quietly reading his paper when his wife sneaks up behind him and whacks him on the head with a frying pan. "What was that for?" he says. "That was for the piece of paper in your pants pocket with the name Mary Lou written on it", she replies. "Two weeks ago when I went to the races, Mary Lou was the name of one of the horses I bet on", he explains. She looks satisfied, apologizes, and goes off to do work around the house. Three days later he's again sitting in his chair reading when she nails him with an even bigger frying pan, knocking him out cold. When he comes to, he says, "What the hell was that for?" "Your horse phoned."

[jerry-g]

A Mexican, an Arab,

and an Arizona girl are

in the same bar.

When the Mexican

finishes his beer,

he throws his glass

in the air, pulls out

his pistol, and shoots

the glass to pieces.

He says, 'In Mexico ,

our glasses are so

cheap we don't need

to drink with the same one twice.'

The Arab, obviously

impressed by this,

drinks non-alcohol beer

(cuz he's a Muslim!),

throws it into the

air, pulls out his

AK-47, and shoots

the glass to pieces.

He says, 'In the

Arab World, we have

so much sand to make

glasses that we don't

need to drink with

the same one twice either.'

The Arizonagirl,

cool as a cucumber,

picks up her beer,

downs it in one gulp,

throws the glass into

the air, whips out her

45, and shoots the

Mexican and the Arab.

Catching her glass,

setting it on the bar, and calling for a refill,

she says,

'In Arizona,

we have so many

illegal aliens that

we don't have to

drink with the same ones twice.'

God Bless Arizona

[HUSKER55]

[Rwahi1]

A man rushes into his house and yells to his wife, "Martha, pack up your things. I just won the state lottery!"

Martha replies, "Shall I pack for warm weather or cold?"

The man responds, "I don't care. Just so long as you're out of the house by noon!"

[magwell]

Quit trashing Obama's accomplishments.He has done more than any other President before him. He has an impressive list of accomplishments:

First President to apply for college aid as a foreign student, then deny he was a foreigner.

First President to have a Social Security number belonging to another man, from a State he never lived in.


First President to preside over a cut to the credit-rating of the United States.


First President to violate the War Powers Act.


First President to be held in contempt of court for illegally obstructing oil drilling in the Gulf of Mexico.


First President to require all Americans to purchase a product from a third party.


First President to spend a trillion dollars on "shovel-ready" jobs when there was no such thing as "shovel-ready" jobs.


First President to abrogate bankruptcy law to turn over control of companies to his union supporters.


First President to by-pass Congress and implement the Dream Act through executive fiat.


First President to order a secret amnesty program stopping the deportation of illegal immigrants across the US including those with criminal convictions.


First President to demand a company hand-over $20 billion to one of his political appointees.


First President to declare a CEO of a major corporation (Chrysler) resign.


First President to terminate America’s ability to put a man in space.


First President to cancel the National Day of Prayer and to state America is no longer a Christian nation.


First President to have a law signed by an auto-pen without personally being present.


First President to arbitrarily declare an existing law unconstitutional and refuse to enforce it.


First President to threaten insurance companies if they publicly spoke out on the reasons for rate increases.


First President to tell a major manufacturing company in which State it would be allowed to locate a factory.


First President to file lawsuits against the States he swore an oath to protect (AZ, WI, OH, IN).


First President to withdraw an existing coal-permit properly issued years ago.


First President to actively go about bankrupting an American industry (coal).


First President to fire an Inspector General of AmeriCorps for catching one of his friends in a corruption case.


First President to appoint 45 czars to replace elected officials in his office.


First President to surround himself with radical left wing anarchists.


First President to golf 73 separate times in his first two and a half years in office, 102 to date.


First President to hide his medical, educational and travel records.


First President to win a Nobel Peace Prize for doing NOTHING to earn it.

First President to go on multiple "global apology tours" and concurrent "insult our friends" tours.


First President to go on 17 lavish vacations, including date-nights and Wednesday-evening White House parties for his friends paid for by the taxpayers.


First President to have 22 personal servants (taxpayer funded) for his wife.


First President to keep a dog trainer on retainer for $102,000 a year at taxpayer expense.


First President to fly in a personal trainer from Chicago at least once a week at taxpayer expense.


First President to repeat the Holy Quran & tell us the early morning call of the Azan (Islamic call to worship) is the most beautiful sound on earth.


First President to side with a foreign nation over one of the American 50 States (Mexico vs. Arizona).

[Rwahi1]

"Senator Ted Cruz was born in Canada, so while we were worried about Iran, China, and North Korea, a Canadian shut down the U.S. Government. Well played, Canada." -Seth Meyers

"After 16 days the government shutdown is over. Right now a devastated Ted Cruz is filibustering a squirrel on the lawn of the Capitol building." –Jimmy Kimmel

"Senator Ted Cruz announced he's donating his paycheck during the shutdown to charity. Well, the charity is called Ted Cruz for President." –Conan O'Brien

"Ted Cruz reminds me of Miley Cyrus because he is not afraid to incur the wrath of even some of his fans for the greater good of drawing attention to himself. I really think a filibuster is the political version of 'twerking.'" –Bill Maher

"Texas Sen. Ted Cruz gave a 21-hour speech on the floor of the Senate during which he read Dr. Seuss' 'Green Eggs and Ham,' did an impression of Darth Vader, and admitted his love for White Castle. I'm not sure what Cruz's speech was arguing for, but I'm guessing legalizing weed." –Seth Meyers

"We are actually headed toward a government shutdown, but if that's what it takes to get Ted Cruz off my TV, I am all for it." –Bill Maher

"Ted Cruz talked for 21 hours in a fake filibuster, or as I call it, the vagina monologue. 21 hours? I kept saying, 'Where is Kanye West when you need him?'" –Bill Maher

This Ted Cruz guy, he incurred the wrath of his own party. They don't like him. Democrats hate him. Independents hate him. Republicans hate him. Even Miley Cyrus -- he's the one guy she refuses to lick." –Bill Maher

"How about that senator from Texas, Ted Cruz. He gets a hold of the microphone on the floor of the Senate and he starts yakking for 21 hours. I'm telling you, that government shutdown certainly looks pretty good now, doesn't it?" –David Letterman

"At one point Ted Cruz takes out 'Green Eggs and Ham.' He reads a kiddy book. The message he was sending there, I think, is that Obamacare will only cover visits to Dr. Seuss." –David Letterman

"So to express your opposition to Obamacare, you go to the book about a stubborn jerk who decides he hates something before he’s tried it, and when he finally gets a taste, he has to admit after he’s tasted it, 'This is pretty f**king good.'" –Jon Stewart on Sen. Ted Cruz reading Dr. Seuss's "Green Eggs and Ham" on the Senate floor

"Well, that's easy for you to take that kind of physical risk – you've got government health care." –Jon Stewart on Ted Cruz speaking for 21 hours

"Texas Senator Ted Cruz had quite a day yesterday. To protest a government bill that would fund Obamacare, he decided to take the floor of the Senate and keep speaking until he was no longer able to stand – at which point he would collapse, be taken to the hospital and be treated for exhaustion by Obamacare." –Jimmy Kimmel

"Texas Senator Ted Cruz began a filibuster on the Senate floor. He's trying to stop Obamacare and he vowed to keep speaking until he is no longer able to stand. And the good news: If he collapses from exhaustion he'll be covered under Obamacare." –Jay Leno

"The leader in this movement to defund Obamacare is Ted Cruz, the senator from Texas. He said, 'I will do anything and everything possible to defund Obamacare.' Really, how about lighting yourself on fire?" –Bill Maher

"Ted Cruz is half Canadian and half Cuban. The wit of Justin Bieber combined with the people skills of Scarface." –Bill Maher

"Hispanic Senator Ted Cruz, who is fighting the immigration bill, described himself as Obama-phobic. You know you have Obama phobia if you'll deport immigrants even though your last name is Cruz." –Conan O'Brien

[Steve 'StatMan']

Just came up with one.

What's the difference between Bill Maher laying dead on the road, and a lawyer laying dead on the road?

There are skid marks in front of the lawyer.

[HUSKER55]