Horse Racing Forum - PaceAdvantage.Com - Horse Racing Message Board

Go Back   Horse Racing Forum - PaceAdvantage.Com - Horse Racing Message Board > Off Topic > Off Topic - General


Reply
 
Thread Tools Rating: Thread Rating: 102 votes, 5.00 average.
Old 07-28-2018, 07:39 PM   #1336
TJDave
Registered User
 
Join Date: Aug 2009
Posts: 10,946
A man boarded an airplane and took his seat. As he settled in, he glanced up and saw the most beautiful woman boarding the plane.



He soon realized she was heading straight towards his seat.

As fate would have it, she took the seat right beside his.

Eager to strike up a conversation, he blurted out, "Business trip or pleasure?"


She turned, smiled and said, "Business. I'm going to the Annual Nympho- maniacs of America Convention in Boston ."




He swallowed hard.



Here was the most gorgeous woman he had ever seen sitting next to him, and she was going to a meeting of nymphomaniacs.


Struggling to maintain his composure, he calmly asked, "What's your business role at this convention?"




"Lecturer," she responded.

"I use information that I have learned from my personal experiences to debunk some of the popular myths about sexuality."




"Really?" he said.



"And what kind of myths are there?"




"Well, she explained, "One popular myth is that African-American men are the most well-endowed of all men, when in fact it is the Native American Indian who is most likely to possess that trait."



"Another popular myth is that Frenchmen are the best lovers, when actually it is men of Jewish descent who are the best."



"I have also discovered that the lover with absolutely the best stamina is the Southern Redneck."




Suddenly the woman became a little uncomfortable and blushed. "I'm sorry," she said, "I shouldn't really be discussing all of this with you. I don't even know your name..."




"Tonto," the man said,

"Tonto Goldstein, but my friends call me Bubba
__________________
All I needed in life I learned from Gary Larson.
TJDave is online now   Reply With Quote Reply
Old 08-28-2018, 06:30 PM   #1337
ldiatone
Registered User
 
Join Date: Jul 2004
Location: west view, pa. now Lancaster, Ca.
Posts: 3,382
Five Aussie surgeons from big cities are discussing what type of person makes the best patient to operate on.

The first surgeon, from Brisbane, says, "I like to see accountants on my operating table because when you open them up, everything inside is numbered."

The second, from Perth, responds, "Yeah, but you should try electricians! Everything inside them is color coded."

The third surgeon, from Adelaide, says, "No, I really think librarians are the best! Everything inside them is in alphabetical order."

The fourth surgeon, from Sydney, chimes in: "You know, I like construction workers...Those guys always understand when you have a few parts left over.”

But the fifth surgeon, from Melbourne, shut them all up when he observed: “You're all wrong. Politicians are the easiest to operate on. There's no guts, no heart, no balls, no brains, and no spine... Plus, the head and the *** are interchangeable.”
__________________
Buy Sam a drink and get His dog one Too--->mlang

and now in Lancaster, CA.
ldiatone is offline   Reply With Quote Reply
Old 08-29-2018, 11:45 PM   #1338
Dave Schwartz
 
Dave Schwartz's Avatar
 
Join Date: Mar 2001
Location: Reno, NV
Posts: 16,877
What do you call someone who is a fan of Boston as well as the White Sox?

BiSoxual.
Dave Schwartz is online now   Reply With Quote Reply
Old 08-29-2018, 11:59 PM   #1339
Tom
The Voice of Reason!
 
Tom's Avatar
 
Join Date: Mar 2001
Location: Canandaigua, New york
Posts: 112,470
Ohhhhhhh.
__________________
Who does the Racing Form Detective like in this one?
Tom is offline   Reply With Quote Reply
Old 09-03-2018, 10:37 PM   #1340
ldiatone
Registered User
 
Join Date: Jul 2004
Location: west view, pa. now Lancaster, Ca.
Posts: 3,382
A frog walks into a bank and approaches the teller, whose name plate says Patricia Whack.

"Miss Whack, I'd like to get a $50,000 loan to take a vacation."

Patty looks at the frog in disbelief and asks his name.

"Kermit Jagger. My father is Mick Jagger. It will be fine to authorize the loan, I know your manager."

Patty explains that he will need to secure the loan with some collateral.

"Sure, how about this," said Kermit as he produces a tiny porcelain elephant, about an inch tall, bright pink and perfectly formed. Very confused, Patty explains that she'll have to consult with the bank manager and disappears into a back office.

Patty walks into the manager's office and proceeds to tell her, "There's a frog called Kermit Jagger out there who claims to know you and wants to borrow $50,000, and he wants to use this as collateral." Patty holds up the tiny pink elephant. "I mean, what in the world is this?"

The bank manager looks back at her and says..."It's a knickknack, Patty Whack. Give the frog a loan. His old man's a Rolling Stone."
__________________
Buy Sam a drink and get His dog one Too--->mlang

and now in Lancaster, CA.
ldiatone is offline   Reply With Quote Reply
Old 09-03-2018, 11:25 PM   #1341
thaskalos
Registered User
 
Join Date: Jan 2006
Posts: 28,390
The following joke was narrated by Larry Merchant in his 1973 book The National Football Lottery:

A man keeps walking into a bank and depositing $5,000 into his account every single day. After about 6 consecutive months of this, the bank president notices the man's curious transaction history, and leaves word with the tellers that he'd like to meet this depositor on his next bank visit. The man shows up at the bank the very next day to make his usual deposit, and the teller tells him that the bank president is anxious to meet him. The man obliges...and he soon finds himself in the office of the curious banker.

"It's very unusual to see a depositor with your level of consistency...and I wanted us to get a little better acquainted", the banker says. "Would you mind if I asked you what you do for a living?".

"I am a professional gambler", the man replies.

"A GAMBLER?", the banker asks incredulously. "I thought gamblers usually lose".

"Not me. I win every single day", the man answers assuredly.

"But, HOW?" the banker asks in disbelief.

"Why don't I make a bet with you right now...so I could prove my point?", the man asks. "I'll bet you $5,000 that, when I come to the bank at noon tomorrow to make my usual deposit...you will have square balls".

"What do you mean?", asks the banker.

"I will come into your office tomorrow at noon, I'll reach into your underwear, and I'll give you $5,000 if your balls aren't square", explains the man, without even a trace of a smile.

The banker eagerly accepts the wager...and the depositor leaves and goes about his business.

Next day noon comes around...and there is a knock on the bank president's office door. The banker opens the door...and the gambler walks in accompanied by a bespectacled middle-aged man. The banker apprehensively lowers his pants and underwear...and the gambler reaches and grabs hold of the banker's balls...as the bespectacled bystander gasps in disbelief.

"See? You lost $5,000", says the banker.

"Not quite", replies the gambler. "A little earlier today...I bet my accountant here $10,000 that, by noon today, I'd have the bank president by the balls".
__________________
Live to play another day.

Last edited by thaskalos; 09-03-2018 at 11:29 PM.
thaskalos is offline   Reply With Quote Reply
Old 09-04-2018, 02:07 AM   #1342
ldiatone
Registered User
 
Join Date: Jul 2004
Location: west view, pa. now Lancaster, Ca.
Posts: 3,382
One day a man goes to the Notre Dame church and asks Quasimodo for bell ringing lessons. They climb to the top of the tower and the great bell is swung. It swings high and hits the man in the head and knocks the man off the tower. He tumbles to the ground below. A crowd gathers round. Quasimodo climbs down to the bottom and the crowd ask "who is he?" Replies Quasimodo "I don't know but his face rings a bell"

The next day, a relative of the first man goes to the Notre Dame church and asks Quasimodo for bell ringing lessons. They climb to the top of the tower. The great bell is swung and it knocks the man off his feet and he tumbles to the ground below. A crowd gathers round. Quasimodo climbs down to the bottom and the crowd ask "who is he? Replies Quasimodo "I don't know, but he's a dead ringer for his brother"

The next day, another relative goes to the Notre Dame church and asks Quasimodo for bell ringing lessons. They climb to the top of the tower. The great bell is swung and it knocks the man off his feet and he tumbles to the ground below. A crowd gathers round. Quasimodo climbs down to bottom and the crowd ask "who is he?" Replies Quasimodo "I don't know but I've got a hunch "
__________________
Buy Sam a drink and get His dog one Too--->mlang

and now in Lancaster, CA.
ldiatone is offline   Reply With Quote Reply
Old 09-04-2018, 10:36 AM   #1343
Tom
The Voice of Reason!
 
Tom's Avatar
 
Join Date: Mar 2001
Location: Canandaigua, New york
Posts: 112,470
A girl away at a college writes to her father and tells him she needs to get some transportation to get around campus.
Her father sends her $100 and she buys a bicycle with it, and send him a photo of herself standing proudly beside it.

A couple of days later, she is downtown and sees a small monkey in the window of a pet shop. She falls in love with it and sells her bicycle to buy it.

After a couple of weeks, the monkey starts to shed and bald spots appear oln is back.

Concerned, she write to her father and asks, "Daddy, my monkey is losing its hair! What should I do?"

Her father writes back, "SELL the damn BIKE!!!"
__________________
Who does the Racing Form Detective like in this one?
Tom is offline   Reply With Quote Reply
Old 09-05-2018, 10:39 PM   #1344
Tom
The Voice of Reason!
 
Tom's Avatar
 
Join Date: Mar 2001
Location: Canandaigua, New york
Posts: 112,470
Funny guy.....

__________________
Who does the Racing Form Detective like in this one?
Tom is offline   Reply With Quote Reply
Old 09-06-2018, 09:53 PM   #1345
OntheRail
Registered User
 
OntheRail's Avatar
 
Join Date: Aug 2009
Posts: 6,297
Rooster

Harry owned a Chichen farm, and had come to the realization that his old faithful Rooste just was not producing like he use to. So he placed and add for a new rooster in the Farmer's Friend. A couple days later he gets a vist from Jim who claims he has just what Harry needs out in the truck. Jim uncovers the cage and inside sits the most pathetic looking bird Harry has ever seen... What the heck Harry remarked... he's skinny missing feathers... looks half dead. Jim said look this is the best rooster you'll ever own... I would not sell him to you if he was not a good rooster.. he can mate from sun up till sun down. Just then one of Harry's hens came into view and the little Rooster burst from the cage after the hen. Jim said see... I told you. Reluctantly Harry agreed to buy him on the condition that Jim take him back if it did not go as said. But sure as the sky was blue every day the rooster was on one hen or another after another.... Harry swore to himself one day he'd find him dead in the courtyard if he keep it up. Soon the hens were all hatching chicks and things were looking great. The Rooster had almost tired out all the hens so that Harry noticed they'd run and hide from him. The next morning as Harry sipped his coffee he noticed Buzzards circling overhead heading out the door he seeing the rooster laying flat out on its back... running over and kneeling next to him Harry said I knew one day you'd screw your self to death... I'll not let the buzzards get you... reach for him.. Harry sees the little Rooster raise its wing to is beak and says...shoosh you'll scare them away.
__________________
Remember To Help Old Friends Thoroughbred Retirement Center.

Last edited by OntheRail; 09-06-2018 at 09:58 PM.
OntheRail is online now   Reply With Quote Reply
Old 09-06-2018, 11:53 PM   #1346
Dave Schwartz
 
Dave Schwartz's Avatar
 
Join Date: Mar 2001
Location: Reno, NV
Posts: 16,877
It is on this day every year that I recall my father, Solomon Schwartz.



Sept. 6 was his first day on earth,
also 'twas his last.
42 years ago today,
Was the day he passed.

Were he alive today,
Age 118 he would be,
Liberal as he ever was,
He'd probably say,
"All this fuss over a knee?"

Ba-da-bump.

(PS: As for me, I will watch the NBA.)
Dave Schwartz is online now   Reply With Quote Reply
Old 09-08-2018, 03:39 AM   #1347
jay68802
Registered User
 
jay68802's Avatar
 
Join Date: May 2008
Location: Nebraska
Posts: 15,111
Silence is Golden.


Duct tape is Silver.
jay68802 is offline   Reply With Quote Reply
Old 09-08-2018, 01:40 PM   #1348
ldiatone
Registered User
 
Join Date: Jul 2004
Location: west view, pa. now Lancaster, Ca.
Posts: 3,382
In 1986, Mkele Mbembe was on holiday in Kenya after graduating from Northwestern University. On a hike through the bush, he came across a young bull elephant standing with one leg raised in the air. The elephant seemed distressed, so Mbembe approached it very carefully. He got down on one knee and inspected the elephant's foot, and found a large piece of wood deeply embedded in it.

As carefully and as gently as he could, Mbembe worked the wood out with his hunting knife, after which the elephant gingerly put down its foot. The elephant turned to face the man, and with a rather curious look on its face, stared at him for several tense moments. Mbembe stood frozen, thinking of nothing else but being trampled. Eventually the elephant trumpeted loudly, turned, and walked away.

Mbembe never forgot that elephant or the events of that day.

Twenty years later, Mbembe was walking through the Chicago Zoo with his teenaged son. As they approached the elephant enclosure, one of the creatures turned and walked over to near where Mbembe and his son Tapu were standing. The large bull elephant stared at Mbembe, lifted its front foot off the ground, then put it down. The elephant did that several times then trumpeted loudly, all the while staring at the man.

Remembering the encounter in 1986, Mbembe couldn't help wondering if this was the same elephant. Mbembe summoned up his courage, climbed over the railing and made his way into the enclosure. He walked right up to the elephant and stared back in wonder. The elephant trumpeted again, wrapped its trunk around one of Mbembe's legs and slammed him against the railing, then stomped him several times crushing the poor sucker to death.

Probably wasn't the same elephant.
__________________
Buy Sam a drink and get His dog one Too--->mlang

and now in Lancaster, CA.
ldiatone is offline   Reply With Quote Reply
Old 09-08-2018, 01:46 PM   #1349
ldiatone
Registered User
 
Join Date: Jul 2004
Location: west view, pa. now Lancaster, Ca.
Posts: 3,382
Q: How do you get a pig to the hospital?

A: In a hambulance.

--------------------------------
Why did the chicken go to the séance?

To get to the other side

--------------------------------------

What sits at the bottom of the sea and twitches?

a nervous wreck

-------------------------------

What did the Tin Man say when he got run over by a steamroller?

"curses, foil again!!"
-------------------------------------


Rodney Dangerfield:

When my wife was about to deliver our son, I asked her if she wanted me in the room. She said, ‘Why would I, you weren’t in the room when I got pregnant.’
__________________
Buy Sam a drink and get His dog one Too--->mlang

and now in Lancaster, CA.
ldiatone is offline   Reply With Quote Reply
Old 09-08-2018, 02:05 PM   #1350
barahona44
Registered User
 
Join Date: Mar 2015
Location: Diez meses en Port St. Lucie, FL; two months in the Dominican Republic
Posts: 4,355
Father O'Malley was concerned about the number of his parishioners that he would see entering the Blarney Stone pub across the street from his church every night and then see them staggering out at closing time.He decided one night to confront them in the saloon about their drunken ways.

Father O'Malley entered the pub and proclaimed "Any of you wish to enter the kingdom of heaven?" There was murmuring but nobody said anything.The padre decided to get more personal.

"Jimmy O'Toole, with that bottle of Jamesons in front of you.Do you wish to enter the pearly gates?If you do, stand against that wall" Jimmy rose and staggered to the wall.

Next he saw two women sipping Irish coffee."Ah, it's the Doyle sisters, Agnes and Mary Kate.Do you two girls wish to go to your eternal reward?

"Of course,Father" they replied and joined Jimmy at the wall.

Next, a voice from the corner said "Father, I would like to go to heaven too."

Father was now excited and said "Bobby Doherty, that's the spirit!.Saints be praised, now go join those three"

Finally he saw Liam McConnell quaffing a pint of Guiness. "Liam, are you ready to go to heaven? Liam replied "No, Father"

Confused, Father O'Malley said "Are you seriously telling me lad, that when you die, you don't want to go to heaven?"

Liam said "When I die , certainly.But I thought you were getting a group together to leave tonight."
__________________
"But don't ask me what I think of you, I might not give the answer that you want me to. "

Fleetwood Mac, Oh Well, Part 1 (1969)
barahona44 is offline   Reply With Quote Reply
Reply




Thread Tools
Rate This Thread
Rate This Thread:

Posting Rules
You may not post new threads
You may not post replies
You may not post attachments
You may not edit your posts

BB code is On
Smilies are On
[IMG] code is On
HTML code is Off

Forum Jump

» Advertisement
Powered by vBadvanced CMPS v3.2.3

All times are GMT -4. The time now is 01:27 AM.


Powered by vBulletin® Version 3.8.9
Copyright ©2000 - 2024, vBulletin Solutions, Inc.
Copyright 1999 - 2023 -- PaceAdvantage.Com -- All Rights Reserved
We are a participant in the Amazon Services LLC Associates Program, an affiliate advertising program
designed to provide a means for us to earn fees by linking to Amazon.com and affiliated sites.