HUMOR

[jerry-g]

Why do pharmacies make the sick walk all the way to the back of the store to get their prescriptions while healthy people can buy cigarettes at the front?

Why do people order double cheeseburgers, large fries, and a diet coke?

Why do banks leave vault doors open and then chain the pens to the counters?

Why do we leave cars worth thousands of dollars in our driveways and put our useless junk in the garage?


EVER WONDER.....

Why the sun lightens our hair, but darkens our skin?

Why can't women put on mascara with their mouth closed?

Why don't you ever see the headline 'Psychic Wins Lottery'?

Why is 'abbreviated' such a long word?

Why is it that doctors and attorneys call what they do 'practice'?

Why is lemon juice made with artificial flavoring, and dish washing liquid made with real lemons? I like this.....

Why is the man who invests all your money called a broker?

Why is the time of day with the slowest traffic called rush hour?


Why isn't there mouse-flavored cat food?

Why didn't Noah swat those two mosquitoes?

Why do they sterilize the needle for lethal injections?

You know that indestructible black box that is used on airplanes? Why don't they make the whole plane out of that stuff??

Why don't sheep shrink when it rains?

Why are they called apartments when they are all stuck together?

If flying is so safe,why do they call the airport the terminal?

Now that you've smiled at least once, it's your turn to spread the stupidity and send this to someone you want to bring a smile to (maybe even a chuckle)..... We all need to smile every once in a while!!!!!
Have a happy day!!!!!

[DJofSD]

Reads like a George Carlin skit. Thanks!

[IrishRail76]

A guy goes to his eye doctor for an examination. They start talking as the doctor is examining his eyes. In the middle of their conversation, the doctor casually says, "You need to stop masturbating."

The guy replies, "Why Doc? Am I going blind?"

The doctor says, "No, but you're upsetting the other patients in the waiting room."

[IrishRail76]

So, my grandfather, who is 92, brings his 88 year old girlfriend to dinner with us.

He leans over to me and asks, “Hey, do you think she’s ‘hot’ “?


I replied, “She should be….her face has been in the soup for 10 minutes.”

[Longshot6977]

A 25-year-old Jewish girl tells her Mom that she has missed her period for 2 months. Very worried, the mother goes to the drugstore and buys a pregnancy kit. The test result shows that the girl is pregnant.

Shouting and crying, the mother says, "Who was the pig that did this to you? I want to know!" Without answering, the girl picks up the phone and makes a call.

Half an hour later, a Mercedes stops in front of their house. A mature and distinguished man with gray hair and wearing a yarmulke steps out of the car and enters the house.

He sits in the living room with the father, mother, and the girl and tells them, "Your daughter has informed me of the problem. I can't marry her because of my personal family situation but I'll take charge. I will pay all costs and provide for your daughter for the rest of her life.

"Additionally, if a girl is born, I will bequeath two retail furniture stores, a deli, a condo in Miami , and a $1,000,000 bank account...

"If a boy is born, my legacy will be a chain of jewelry stores and a $25,000,000 bank account."

"However, if there is a miscarriage, I'm not sure what to do. What do you suggest?"

At this point, the mother placed a hand firmly on the man's shoulder and told him, “You'll have to F*** her again"

[BlueShoe]

Lovers help each other undress before sex.

However, after sex, they dress on their own.

Moral of the story: In life, no one helps you once you're screwed.

[Longshot6977]

Haha

[magwell]

A dog lover, whose dog was a female and "in heat', agreed to look
after her neighbor's male dog while the neighbors were on vacation.

She had a large house and believed that she could keep the two dogs
apart. However, as she was drifting off to sleep she heard awful
howling and moaning sounds, rushed downstairs and found the dogs
locked together, in obvious pain and unable to disengage, as so
frequently happens when dogs mate.

Unable to separate them, and perplexed as to what to do next, although
it was late, she called the vet, who answered in a very grumpy voice.

Having explained the problem to him, the vet said,

"Hang up the phone and place it down alongside the dogs. I will then
call you back and the noise of the ringing will make the male lose his
erection and he will be able to withdraw."

"Do you think that will work?" she asked.

"Just worked on me," he replied.

[Shemp Howard]

A little girl walks into a pet shop and asks the clerk in a sweet lisp "Excuthe me, mither, do you have any wittle wabbits for sale?"

Delighted, the shopkeeper asks, "Would you like a wittle white wabby or a fuwwy bwack wabby?"

The little girl leans forward and replies "I weally don't fink my pyfon giveths a thit."

[sammy the sage]

A man in northern Michigan woke up one morning to find a bear on his roof. He looked in the Yellow Pages, and sure enough, there was an ad for "Up North Bear Removers." He called the number listed and the bear remover said he'd be over within an hour.

The bear remover arrived, and got out of his van. He had a ladder, a baseball bat, a 12 gauge shotgun, and a mean looking, heavily scarred old pit bull.

"What are you going to do?" the homeowner asked.

"I'm going to put this ladder up against the roof, then I'm going to go up there, and knock the bear off the roof with this baseball bat. When the bear falls off the roof, the pit bull is trained to grab his testicles, and not let go. The bear will then be subdued enough for me to put him in the cage in the back of the van."

He then handed the shotgun to the homeowner. "What's the shotgun for?" the homeowner asked.

"If the bear knocks me off the roof, you shoot the dog."​

[TJDave]

The Confession



A man received the following text from his neighbor:

I am so sorry Bob. I've been riddled with guilt and I have to confess. I have been tapping your wife, day and night when you're not around. In fact, more than you. I'm not getting any at home, but that's no excuse. I can no longer live with the guilt and I hope you will accept my sincerest apology with my promise that it won't happen again.

The man, anguished and betrayed, went into his bedroom, grabbed his gun, and without a word, shot his wife and killed her.

A few moments later, a second text came in:

Damn autocorrect. I meant "wifi", not "wife" Sorry!!!!!!!!!!.

[HUSKER55]

see what happens when you forget to spell check?

[Rwahi1]

A blonde pick ups her dress from the dry cleaners, when she leaves the Cashier says, "Come again!"
Bonde said, "Nah..It was ketchup this time."

[magwell]

A man escapes from a prison where he’s been locked up for 10 years
He breaks into a house and inside, he finds a young couple in bed.
He ties him to a chair. While tying the wife to the bed, the convict gets on top of her, kisses her neck, then gets up and goes into the bathroom.
While he’s in there, the husband whispers over to his wife,
“Listen, this guy is an escaped convict. Look at his clothes! He’s probably spent a lot of time in jail and hasn’t seen a woman in years.
I saw how he kissed your neck. If he wants sex, don’t resist, don’t complain. Do whatever he tells you. Satisfy him no matter how much he nauseates you. This guy is obviously very dangerous. If he gets angry, he’ll kill us both. Be strong, honey. I love you!”

She responds: “He wasn’t kissing my neck. He was whispering in my ear. He told me that he’s gay, thinks you’re cute, and asked if we had any Vaseline. I told him it was in the bathroom. Be strong honey. I love you, too.”

[HUSKER55]