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Old 07-02-2015, 05:51 PM   #826
tucker6
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The Lone Ranger and Tonto were camping in the wilderness. After they got their tent set up, both men fell sound asleep. Some hours later, Tonto wakes the Lone Ranger and says,"'Kemo Sabe, look towards sky, what you see?"
The Lone Ranger replies, "I see millions of stars."
"What that tell you?" asked Tonto.

The Lone Ranger ponders for a minute then says, "Astronomically-speaking, it tells me there are millions of galaxies and potentially billions of planets. Astrologically, it tells me that Saturn is in Leo. Time-wise, it appears to be approximately a quarter past three in the morning. Theologically,the Lord is all-powerful and we are small and insignificant. Meteorologically, it seems we will have a beautiful day tomorrow. What does it tell you,Tonto?"

"You dumber than buffalo... It mean someone stole tent."
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Old 07-02-2015, 09:14 PM   #827
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The Lone Ranger and Tonto were surrounded by Apaches. After a while, they ran out of ammo.

"I guess is the end for us, Tonto." he said.
"What you mean "us" paleface?
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Old 07-20-2015, 01:17 AM   #828
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Overheard on Ipanema beach:

1st blonde ..."I slept with a Brazilian."

2nd blonde..."OMG!! How many is a brazilian?
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Old 07-20-2015, 02:34 PM   #829
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Quote:
Originally Posted by TJDave
Overheard on Ipanema beach:

1st blonde ..."I slept with a Brazilian."

2nd blonde..."OMG!! How many is a brazilian?

I think it's a little less than a gazillion.
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Old 07-20-2015, 09:10 PM   #830
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MLB All-Star Game

Pete Rose received a 90 sec standing ovation after he was introduced before this year's Mid Summer Classic in Cincinnati.

For which Pete was extremely grateful.

He was all over the OVER 1 minute proposition bet offered in Vegas,
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Old 08-09-2015, 02:32 PM   #831
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Retirement....

The longer you've been together, the funnier this becomes!

An elderly couple were at home watching TV.
Phil had the remote and was switching back and forth between a fishing channel and the porn channel.

Sally became more and more annoyed and finally said, "For god's sake, Phil... leave it on the porn channel... you know how to fish!"
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Old 08-09-2015, 04:21 PM   #832
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Tell This @ Your Next Drunken Party

Cop pulls a guy over...gives him the once-over

Cop says "Hey, why are your eyes all RED?..have you been drinking?"

Guy says "No - why are Your eyes all GLAZED..have you been eating donuts?"
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Old 08-10-2015, 05:11 PM   #833
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AN OLD WOMAN WALKED UP AND TIED HER OLD MULE TO THE HITCHING POST.
AS SHE STOOD THERE, BRUSHING SOME OF THE DUST FROM HER FACE AND CLOTHES, A YOUNG GUNSLINGER STEPPED OUT OF THE SALOON WITH A GUN IN ONE HAND AND A BOTTLE OF WHISKEY IN THE OTHER. THE YOUNG GUNSLINGER LOOKED AT THE OLD WOMAN AND LAUGHED, "HEY OLD WOMAN, HAVE YOU EVER DANCED?"

THE OLD WOMAN LOOKED UP AT THE GUNSLINGER AND SAID, "NO,... I NEVER DID DANCE... NEVER REALLY WANTED TO."

A CROWD HAD GATHERED AS THE GUNSLINGER GRINNED AND SAID "WELL, YOU OLD BAG, YOU'RE GONNA DANCE NOW," AND STARTED SHOOTING AT THE OLD WOMAN'S FEET.

THE OLD WOMAN PROSPECTOR -- NOT WANTING TO GET HER TOE BLOWN OFF --STARTED HOPPING AROUND. EVERYBODY WAS LAUGHING. WHEN HIS LAST BULLET HAD BEEN FIRED, THE YOUNG GUNSLINGER, STILL LAUGHING, HOLSTERED HIS GUN AND TURNED AROUND TO GO BACK INTO THE SALOON.

THE OLD WOMAN TURNED TO HER PACK MULE, PULLED OUT A DOUBLE-BARRELED SHOTGUN, AND COCKED BOTH HAMMERS.
THE LOUD CLICKS CARRIED CLEARLY THROUGH THE DESERT AIR, AND THE CROWD STOPPED LAUGHING IMMEDIATELY.

THE YOUNG GUNSLINGER HEARD THE SOUNDS, TOO, AND HE TURNED AROUND VERY SLOWLY. THE SILENCE WAS ALMOST DEAFENING. THE CROWD WATCHED AS THE YOUNG GUNMAN STARED AT THE OLD WOMAN AND THE LARGE GAPING HOLES OF THOSE TWIN BARRELS.

THE BARRELS OF THE SHOTGUN NEVER WAVERED IN THE OLD WOMAN'S HANDS, AS SHE QUIETLY SAID, "SON, HAVE YOU EVER KISSED A MULE'S ASS?"

THE GUNSLINGER SWALLOWED HARD AND SAID, "NO M'AM... BUT I'VE ALWAYS WANTED TO.

THERE ARE FIVE LESSONS HERE FOR ALL OF US:

1 - Never be arrogant.
2 - Don't waste ammunition.
3 - Whiskey makes you think you're smarter than you are.
4 - Always make sure you know who has the power.
5 - Don't mess with old women; they didn't get old by being stupid.
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Old 08-10-2015, 07:57 PM   #834
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okay...that was a long read, but in the end--was worth it. Very funny Idiatone
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Old 08-11-2015, 11:17 PM   #835
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Father to daughter upon her announcing her engagement: What does he do? Does he have any money?

Daughter: You men are all alike. That's the first thing he asked me about you!
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Old 08-12-2015, 12:50 AM   #836
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Mike is intently looking at his phone on his way to the OTB and walks into a Pole ... uh. Looking up realizes it's Stosh. Long time no see.
Stosh... No I see you half block away.




Stosh goes to the Police Station.

The Desk Sargent ask if he can help him.

Stosh frantically tells the Sargent... my wive she a wants me dead.

Sarge... Ask him why he suspected his wife wanted to kill him?

Stosh... Said sheza going to poison me!

Sarg... How do you know that?

Stoch... Look!!! Look what I find in the bathroom cabinet and hands a small bottle to him.

Sarge... Looks at it... reads the label and looks right at Him.

Stosh... See pointing to the bottle... Polish Remover.




Old Polish Proverb.

The goat that pushes the tree down often... leaves with none.
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Old 08-12-2015, 04:14 PM   #837
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This couple is married for over 50 years.

One day, while watching TV, the husband gets up from his rocking chair.

The wife says: where are you going?

The husband says: the kitchen.

Wife says: why?

Husband says: I want to get some ice cream.

Wife says: Is that all you want, is ice cream?

Husband: I also want lots of whipped cream and a cherry on top.

Wife says: I'll get it for you.

Husband says: No you don't have to.

Wife says: I want to, can't I get some ice cream for my husband?

Husband says: OK, but write it down. You'll forget. You forget things.

Wife says: No I won't. I won't forget.

Husband says: OK. But don't forget. I want ice cream, with plenty of whipped cream. And a cherry on top. You better write it down. You forget things.

Wife says: Enough already. I don't need to write it down. You want ice cream, with plenty of whipped cream, and a cherry on top.

Husband says: Yes. Ice cream, with plenty of whipped cream and a cherry on top.

The Wife goes into the kitchen. She's in there for 10 minutes and when she comes out she hands her husband two eggs scrambled.

Husband looks at the eggs, looks at his wife, and in a raised voice says: I TOLD YOU TO WRITE IT DOWN. YOU FORGOT THE TOAST.
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Old 08-15-2015, 02:01 PM   #838
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Hmmm. . .

Attached Images
File Type: jpg camp ads.jpg (34.7 KB, 119 views)
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Old 08-15-2015, 04:14 PM   #839
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Religious Randy was engaged to Hot Holly.

They had planned a Valentine's Day wedding, but one hot night in August, Holly had an urge that would not go away.

As she playfully pawed at Randy, he squirmed away ans said, "Holly, please try to control yourself. It won't be long until February."

Holly looked at Randy with an icy glare and asked, "And just how long will it be then?"
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Old 08-18-2015, 10:04 PM   #840
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Mexican weather report

Aussie Commentates On Mexican Weather Reporting - YouTube
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