HUMOR

[Tom]

Two men walk into a bar.
You would have thought the second one would have seen it.

* * * * *

Why did Popeye beet up the Pope?

He heard he was going to Mount Olive.

[ldiatone]

If you ever feel cold, just stand in a corner - they are usually around 90 degrees

[ldiatone]

Did you hear about the magic tractor? It turned into a field

----------------------------------------------------------------------------

Doctor, I've got terribly frozen legs!
- [Doctor] I have also got terribly frozen legs, but then I lie with my wife in bed and... my legs are warming up!
- Doctor, where do I find your wife?

----------------------------------------------------------------------------

The grass may be greener on the other side but at least you don't have to mow it

-------------------------------------------------------------------------------

Saturdays and Sundays are strong, the rest are weekdays.

--------------------------------------------------------------------------------

I met a one-legged woman who works in a brewery.

She's in charge of the hops.

[RunForTheRoses]

YouTube (Short URL)

[barahona44]

Apologies if this has been posted before


Patient: Doc, you gotta help me.For the last two weeks, I suddenly start singing and it takes all my might to control it..

Doctor: Yes ,what you have is called Tom Jones Disease.

Patient: Gee, I've never heard of that.Is it rare?

Doctor: Well, it's not unusual

[ldiatone]

It was St Valentine's Day in Auchengillan and Sandy McTavish, the local travel agent, was in a good mood. Bookings over the winter had been well up on the previous year and profits had been sky high. So when he looked out of his window and saw an old lady and an old gentleman peering in the window at the posters showing glamorous destinations around the world, he experienced a rare feeling of generosity (and saw an opportunity for some free publicity in the local newspaper).

He called the dejected couple in (out of the rain) and announced: "On your pension you could never hope to have a holiday abroad, so I am sending you off to a fabulous resort at my expense - and I won't take no for an answer." He gave them two flight tickets and a room in a five star hotel in sun-drenched Tenerife for two weeks.

About a month later, the little old lady came in to his shop. Sandy asked "And how did you like your holiday?" The old lady replied: "The flight was exciting and the room was lovely. I've come to thank you - but, one thing puzzled me. Who was that old guy I had to share the room with?"

[ldiatone]

- Monya, what do think, did Noah catch lots of fish when he was in the ark?
- No, he had only two worms.

[Tom]

AOC and Bernie wanted to find an alternative to fossil fueled cars, so they went to a Used Car dealership to look at all the various models that are out there.

They told the salesman what they want to do and he said "This is your lucky day! I have just what you want.

He led them to the barn and walked out a camel!

"This is a 100% fossil free method of transportation"
AOC was excited and asked if they could take it for a test ride.
The salesman agreed and told them it was easy - just sit on the camel and it would do all the work.

"When the traffic signal is RED, the camel will stop. When it turns GREEN, the camel will go" he told them.
"Take him around the block and see for yourselves."

The two climbed on and headed down the street.
After an hour, they still had not come back, so the salesman got worried and got into his car to go look for them.
Two blocks from the lot, he found them, sitting on the curb.

"What happened?" he asked.
"Where is the camel?"

AOC said, "It worked just like you said. WE came to the first intersection and the light was RED, and the camel stopped.
When the light turned GREEN, it started walking again."

Bernie said, "But just then, a pick up truck with a TRUMP bumper sticker drove past us and someone yelled out, "Look at the
two A-HOLES on that camel!"

AOC chimed in,"At the next RED light, we got off to take look. While we were looking, the light turned GREEN and the camel took off. That was the last we saw of him."

[ldiatone]

Thoughts on marriage

When a man steals your wife, there is no better revenge than to let him keep her.

Marriage is the triumph of imagination over intelligence. Second marriage is the triumph of hope over experience.

I married Miss Right. I just didn't know her first name was Always.

I haven't spoken to my wife in 18 months - I don't like to interrupt her.

Just think, if it weren't for marriage, men would go through life thinking they had no faults at all.

How do most men define marriage? A very expensive way to get your laundry done free.

A man said his credit card was stolen but he decided not to report it because the thief was spending less than his wife did.

The most effective way to remember your wife's birthday is to forget it once.

[ldiatone]

A thief entered a house mid-afternoon. He tied up the woman and at knife-point asked the man to hand over the jewelry and money.

The man started sobbing and said, ‘You can take anything you want. But please untie the rope and free her.’

Thief: ‘You must really love your wife!’

Man: ‘Not particularly, but she will be home shortly. ‘

✧ ✧ ✧

My boss was complaining in a staff meeting the other day that he wasn’t getting any respect.

Later that morning he went out and got a small sign that read, “I’m the Boss.” He then taped it to his office door.

Later that day when he returned from lunch, he found that someone had taped a note to the sign that said: “Your wife called. She wants you to bring her sign back.”

[Tom]

"Johnny, why are you eating those dollar bills?"
"It's my lunch money!"

[ldiatone]

Knock, knock!
Who's there?
Broken Pencil.
Broken Pencil who?
Don't worry its pointless.

[clicknow]

I saw this today and it sums up Christmas gift idea for those in my age group:

"I'm in that delicate phase of life where I am not sure if I should get a Fitbit or a LifeAlert bracelet."

[ldiatone]

Many years ago, in the south pacific, there was a small island kingdom that was ruled by a kind and benevolent King. Each year, on the King's birthday, the residents of the island gave the King a new throne as token of their love and respect for him. And each year, the King would put last years gift up in the attic of his small house. After many years of ruling the island, the weight of the large number of birthday presents stored up in the attic became too heavy and caused the house to fall down.
The moral of the story is that people in grass houses shouldn't stow thrones.

[ldiatone]

My wife had been after me for several weeks to varnish the wooden seat on our toilet. Finally, I got around to doing it while she was out. After finishing, I left to take care of another matter before she returned. She came in and undressed to take a shower. Before getting in the shower, she sat on the toilet. As she tried to stand up, she realised that the not-quite-dry epoxy paint had glued her to the toilet seat. About that time, I got home and realised her predicament. We both pushed and pulled without any success whatsoever. Finally, in desperation, I undid the toilet seat bolts. Julie wrapped a sheet around herself and I drove her to the hospital emergency room. The ER Doctor got her into a position where he could study how to free her (Try to get a mental picture of this.) My wife tried to lighten the embarrassment of it all by saying "Well, Doctor, I'll bet you've never seen anything like this before". The Doctor replied "Actually, I've seen lots of them. I just never saw one mounted and framed".