HUMOR

[TJDave]

Originally Posted by Tom

My doctor prescribed me with an experimental treatment for COVID-19......seems to be working!

YouTube (Short URL)

[Steve 'StatMan']

Paraphrasing a joke from the iconic Brother Theodore from the Late Night With David Letterman:

I was in the mood for some passionate love making, and I decided to try eating Raw Oysters, as I heard they are a strong aprohdisiac. However, I was quite disappointed. I ate a dozen raw oysters and only seven of them worked.

[xtb]

Originally Posted by Actor

Same party. They had hors d'oeuvres on a tray on a coffee table. Their dog got one of them. The boss's wife took it away from the dog and put it back on the tray. I did not eat any more of them.

When I was a kid, went with my parents to a cookout at some friends of theirs. I saw their dog steal a hot dog from the grill. The guy gets it away from the dog, swishes it around in the pool and then puts it back on the grill. I avoided the hot dog with teeth marks.

[headhawg]

This has always been true, but it is clearly more appropriate in this new New World.

[Tom]

Talk about your photo finishes.....

YouTube

[Tom]

My Boss Jerk Sauce....say that 3 times fast!


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[Tom]

My Boss Jerk Sauce....say that 3 times fast!

[Actor]

This is supposed to be a true story. At least the guy who told it to me said it is.

This took place in the Oklahoma panhandle some time about 1960 give or take. The panhandle is about 175 miles east to west. A highway department employee gets a call in the middle of the night. It's his boss. There's a blizzard coming in and he is to start up his snow plow and head west toward New Mexico. The snow is already a foot deep and by sunrise it's three or four feet deep.

He notices that he is being followed by a Lincoln Continental. About an hour after sunrise he stops to take a break and have some coffee from his thermos. There's pounding on his cabin door. It's the guy from the Lincoln.

"What are you doing?"

"I'm taking a coffee break."

"Get this thing going. I have to be in Denver by noon."

[ldiatone]

The maid asked for a pay increase. This upset the wife very much.

She asked: 'Now Maria, why do you think you deserve a pay increase?'

Maria: 'Well, Señora, there are three reasons why I want an increase.

The first is that I iron better than you.'

Wife: 'Who says you iron better than me?'

Maria: 'Your husband says so.'

Wife: 'Oh.'

Maria: 'The second reason is that I am a better cook than you.'

Wife: 'Nonsense, who said you were a better cook than me?'

Maria: 'Your husband did.'

Wife: 'Oh..'

Maria: 'The third reason is that I am better in bed than you.'

Wife: (really furious now) 'I suppose my husband said that as well?'

Maria: 'No Señora...the gardener did.'

Wife: 'So... Maria, how much do you need?'

[Longshot6977]

Punography. When chemists die, they barium.
Jokes about German sausage are the wurst.
A soldier who survived mustard gas and pepper spray is now a seasoned veteran.
I know a guy who's addicted to brake fluid. He says he can stop any time.
How does Moses make his tea? Hebrews it.
I stayed up all night to see where the sun went. Then it dawned on me.
This girl said she recognized me from the vegetarian club, but I'd never met herbivore.
I'm reading a book about anti-gravity. I can't put it down.
I did a theatrical performance about puns. It was a play on words.
They told me I had type A blood, but it was a Type-O.
A dyslexic man walks into a bra.
PMS jokes aren't funny, period.
Why were the Indians here first ? They had reservations.
Class trip to the Coca-Cola factory. I hope there's no pop quiz.
Energizer bunny arrested. Charged with battery.
I didn't like my beard at first. Then it grew on me.
How do you make holy water? Boil the hell out of it!
Did you hear about the cross eyed teacher who lost her job because she couldn't control her pupils?
When you get a bladder infection, urine trouble.
What does a clock do when it's hungry ? It goes back four seconds.
I wondered why the baseball was getting bigger. Then it hit me!
Broken pencils are pointless.
I tried to catch some fog. I mist.
What do you call a dinosaur with a extensive vocabulary? A thesaurus.
England has no kidney bank, but it does have a Liverpool.
I used to be a banker, but then I lost interest.
I dropped out of communism class because of lousy Marx.
All the toilets in New York's police stations have been stolen. Police have nothing to go on.
I got a job at a bakery because I kneaded dough.
Haunted French pancakes give me the crepes.
Velcro - what a rip off!
Cartoonist found dead in home. Details are sketchy.
Venison for dinner? Oh deer!
I used to think I was indecisive, but now I'm not so sure.

[BIG RED]

Tuff year

[Dave Schwartz]

What's not funny: There were no new humor posts for THREE MONTHS!

What do you suppose caused that?

Thanks for bringing it back to life, guys.

[ldiatone]

Several churches started having problems with squirrels damaging their buildings.

The Presbyterian church called a meeting to decide what to do about their squirrel infestation. After much prayer and consideration, they concluded that the squirrels were predestined to be there, and they should not interfere with God’s divine will.

At the Baptist church, the squirrels had taken an interest in the baptistry. The deacons met and decided to put a water-slide on the baptistry and let the squirrels drown themselves. The squirrels liked the slide and, unfortunately, knew instinctively how to swim, so twice as many squirrels showed up the following week.

The Lutheran church decided that they were not in a position to harm any of God’s creatures. So, they humanely trapped their squirrels and set them free near the Baptist church. Two weeks later, the squirrels were back when the Baptists took down the water-slide...

The Episcopalians tried a much more unique path by setting out pans of whisky around their church in an effort to kill the squirrels with alcohol poisoning. They sadly learned how much damage a band of drunk squirrels can do.

But the Catholic church came up with a more creative strategy! They baptized all the squirrels and made them members of the church. Now they only see them at Christmas and Easter.

Not much was heard from the Jewish synagogue. They took the first squirrel and circumcised him. They haven’t seen a squirrel since.

[TJDave]

Originally Posted by ldiatone

Several churches started having problems with squirrels damaging their buildings.

The Presbyterian church called a meeting to decide what to do about their squirrel infestation. After much prayer and consideration, they concluded that the squirrels were predestined to be there, and they should not interfere with God’s divine will.

At the Baptist church, the squirrels had taken an interest in the baptistry. The deacons met and decided to put a water-slide on the baptistry and let the squirrels drown themselves. The squirrels liked the slide and, unfortunately, knew instinctively how to swim, so twice as many squirrels showed up the following week.

The Lutheran church decided that they were not in a position to harm any of God’s creatures. So, they humanely trapped their squirrels and set them free near the Baptist church. Two weeks later, the squirrels were back when the Baptists took down the water-slide...

The Episcopalians tried a much more unique path by setting out pans of whisky around their church in an effort to kill the squirrels with alcohol poisoning. They sadly learned how much damage a band of drunk squirrels can do.

But the Catholic church came up with a more creative strategy! They baptized all the squirrels and made them members of the church. Now they only see them at Christmas and Easter.

Not much was heard from the Jewish synagogue. They took the first squirrel and circumcised him. They haven’t seen a squirrel since.

Fall down funny!

[TJDave]

Four novice nuns were about to take their vows.
Dressed in their white gowns, they entered the chapel for their symbolic marriage to Jesus, making them “Brides of Christ.”
Just as the ceremony was about to begin, four Hasidic Jews came in and sat in the front row.
The Mother Superior said, “I am so honored you want to share this experience with us. May I ask why you came?”
“We’re from the groom’s family.”