Hear any good horse racing jokes?

[RacingFan1992]

I looked and couldn't find a thread of this nature. Feel free to leave a joke that will make us laugh.

The one I heard was Ben Jones was sitting at a bar when Bill Turner walked up. Jones looked up from his drink when Turner sat down. Jones said "Ain't you the guy who trained Seattle Slew?" Turner said "Yes, I am." and asked "Aren't you the one who trained Citation and Whirlaway?" Jones nodded. Jones said "Whirlaway won seven of sixteen starts at two. How did your horse fare at two?" Turner replied "He won three races." Jones looking befuddled said "What per week?" (Oh how the times change.)

[devilsbag]

After the 1976 Marlboro Cup, Forego told reporters that, "Honest Pleasure had some balls to think he was going to win."

Thank you everyone...I'll be here all week. Remember to tip the administrator. Goodnight.

[jballscalls]

I don't know if this is a joke as much as a story. My friend's dad was a long time trainer here in the Northwest, Nub Norton. Well one day Nub is in the paddock with his owner as the riders are walking out. Nub had put a new Mexican jockey on the horse who had just arrived at the track. The owner said "Nubbie, I've never heard of this rider" Nub looked at him and said "You know what Charlie...I don't think he's ever heard of you either"

Always made me laugh

[Clocker]

A thoroughbred walks into a bar to drown his sorrows after being badly beaten in a big race.

The bartender looks at the horse and says, "Hey, why the long face?"

[dannyhill]

Jerry Bailey is sitting alone in the jock's room, a tear running down his face. His favorite horse had just passed away. Suddenly he hears a voice, but see's nobody around. He figures out it's GOD. GOD says Jerry i have good news and bad news, the good news is that the horse you love so much is entered to race tonight is horse heaven. The bad news, you're listed to ride.

[thaskalos]

Many years ago, I was well acquainted with Dave Feldman -- who was a horse owner/trainer, and public handicapper/columnist for the Chicago Sun-Times -- and we would often share a table at Chicago's Mud Bug OTB. Since Feldman was so well-known...it wasn't unusual for other OTB patrons to come over to our table and ask Dave what horse he liked in an upcoming race.

A young man approached Dave and introduced himself one day...and asked him what horse he liked in a grass race at Arlington. Feldman gave him his opinion...but the young man appeared dissatisfied.

"What about the #7 horse? This horse is making his first start on the grass...but his father was a very accomplished turf runner", he asked...to which Feldman replied:

"Young man. My father was a tailor...and I can't sew a button".

[Dave Schwartz]

The best one that I know of.


A guy is in a movie theater back in the day when it was customary to show newsreels before the show.

The previous year's Kentucky Derby is on the newsreel and the horses are in a head-to-head battle in the stretch. From the back of the theater, a loud voice cries out, "I've got $20 on the inside horse!"

Knowing that the outside horse won the race, our guy stands up and says, "I'll take your bet."

Of course, the outside horse wins, the loser pays off and everybody watches the movie.

A couple of nights later the guy is back in the same theater, watching the same show again. Same newsreel comes on. Again, from the back of the theater, comes the same voice as the other night: "I've got $50 on the inside horse!"

Our guy says, "You're faded." Of course, same result, and our friend is ahead another $50.

After the movie he catches up with the loser and says, "I have to ask. I was in here the other night and we watched those same two horses in the battle to the wire. The outside horse won. How could you make another bet on the same race?"

"Well," says the loser, with a hint of incredulity in his voice, "It was his second time over the track."

[Zydeco]

Originally Posted by thaskalos

Many years ago, I was well acquainted with Dave Feldman -- who was a horse owner/trainer, and public handicapper/columnist for the Chicago Sun-Times -- and we would often share a table at Chicago's Mud Bug OTB. Since Feldman was so well-known...it wasn't unusual for other OTB patrons to come over to our table and ask Dave what horse he liked in an upcoming race.

A young man approached Dave and introduced himself one day...and asked him what horse he liked in a grass race at Arlington. Feldman gave him his opinion...but the young man appeared dissatisfied.

"What about the #7 horse? This horse is making his first start on the grass...but his father was a very accomplished turf runner", he asked...to which Feldman replied:

"Young man. My father was a tailor...and I can't sew a button".

This is great!

[v j stauffer]

Guy goes to Caliente. Tells his wife and friends he CANNOT lose. He's had the same dream three nights in a row. A horse with something to do with a HAT keeps winning the 5th race. Sure enough on Saturday in the 5th there he is.
#4 TOP HAT 8-1.

Waits till the 5th and fires his entire bankroll on TOP HAT. NOTHING runs a bad 6th beaten 10 lengths. No excuse.

Returns home broke, beaten, mad and confused.

Wife and buddy ask what the hell happened? Who won the race?

Guy says SOME FU-KING HORSE NAMED SOMBRERO!!!! paid $33.40

[JustRalph]

Originally Posted by v j stauffer

Guy goes to Caliente. Tells his wife and friends he CANNOT lose. He's had the same dream three nights in a row. A horse with something to do with a HAT keeps winning the 5th race. Sure enough on Saturday in the 5th there he is.
#4 TOP HAT 8-1.

Waits till the 5th and fires his entire bankroll on TOP HAT. NOTHING runs a bad 6th beaten 10 lengths. No excuse.

Returns home broke, beaten, mad and confused.

Wife and buddy ask what the hell happened? Who won the race?

Guy says SOME FU-KING HORSE NAMED SOMBRERO!!!! paid $33.40

Adding in the .40 cents was a nice touch

[v j stauffer]

When I was Rosario's agent. We rode a horse for Kathy Walsh. Maiden 25k. Last race of the day on a drizzling cloudy Thursday.

We had never worked him. First time starter opens at 8/5. As soon as I see him in the post parade I know we're in trouble. He weighs about 750 lbs. stands about 14 hands and is soaking wet. Didn't look like he could outrun me.

I see Kathy and her owners on the apron watching him warm up in front of the grandstand. Looks like a group from Hollywood starting California Chrome in the SA Derby. Check the program. Sure enough he was bred by those owners.

Closes at 6/5 and runs exactly like he looked. Somehow managed to finish 4th. Never a contender. Beaten double digits.

Almost immediately. Before I could even see her I hear Kathy screaming from under the grandstand. When Rosario comes back she unloads on him. " What kind of horse poop ride was that" " You call yourself a leading rider" "Don't come around my barn anymore. "You're fired"

All poor Rosario could do was look up at me in the booth. Sigh and get away from Kathy as fast as possible.

Well I know what's inevitably coming next. A call from Kathy where she's gonna give it to me 10 times worse that Rosario got it. "*#$^%$)*&^#$"
" @#$%^&**()".

Can't dodge the call. It's my job. If I don't let her vent Joel hears it again the next morning.

As I'm pulling out of the parking lot here it comes. Incoming call from K. Walsh. I'm already on the phone with my wife trying to coordinate a three car caravan along with Scott Chaney to a restaurant in El Segundo that none of us really knew where to go.

I say to my wife. I HAVE to take this call from Kathy. I'll try to follow and call back as soon as I finish with Ms. Walsh. Hey Kathy what's up? "+_)(*&^%$#@!@#$%^&*()_+_)(()*(*&*&^%%$#@#!!"

Ok promise we'll do better next time. Sorry. See you in the morning. " NO YOU WON'T. Stay away from my barn" Click.

Now I'm lost and have lost contact with my wife. I call her and say. Baby I'm so sorry. I just had to listen to 10 minutes of banshee screams from Kathy Walsh. She's certifiable that woman. CRAZY. Blowhard BI*CH !!.

Long pause. Then an angelic voice on the other side says. Victor. It's me Kathy. You called me back!...................Click!

Saw her next morning. Neither of us could stop laughing. Great Friends ever since.

[cj]

Polytrack.

[Longshot6977]

I think these jokes belong in the Humor thread, but anyway:

The horse I bet on was so slow, the jockey kept a diary of the trip.

Paul said to Fred, 'I put $20 on a horse last week and he came in at twenty five to one.' 'Wow! you must be loaded', said Fred. 'Not really' said George, 'the rest of the field came in at twelve thirty.'

What’s a horse’s favorite TV show? Neighbours

How do you make a small fortune on horseracing? Start with a large fortune.

A lady walks into a bar with a greyhound under her arm, and a drunk walks over and says, 'That is the most ugliest pig I have ever seen in my life'. The lady says, 'That's not a pig you drunken idiot, it's a greyhound' and the drunk replies, 'I was talking to the greyhound'.

A young jockey and his stable lass girlfriend make the decision to get married. Everything is planned and the couple intend to honeymoon in Italy for a week. The marriage goes without a hitch and the couple set off on their honeymoon. While checking in the lady behind the desk asks 'We have two suites available for you, would you like the bridal?' 'No thanks says the jockey I'll just hold her ears till she gets the hang of it!'


That's enough for now.

[BettinBilly]

Not a horse racing joke but a horse joke.

The Lone ranger is captured by Outlaws and tied to a pole. They are going to hang him. The Outlaws ask him, "Any last requests Masked Man?"

He says, "Well, yea, but I gotta talk to my horse."

So Silver comes over and the Lone Ranger whispers something in his ear. The horse takes off and about 10 minutes later arrives back with a naked woman riding him. The Outlaws are amazed. They untie the Lone Ranger and he has a romantic interlude with the woman. The horse rides off with her and comes back. The Outlaws are so amazed, they ask, "Can he do that again?"

The Lone Ranger whispers in Silvers ear again, the horse takes off and 10 minutes later he arrives with yet another naked woman riding him. Again, a quick romantic interlude with the Lone Ranger, and off the horse rides with the woman, then he comes back again 10 minutes later.

The Lone Ranger says to the Outlaws, "Um, I gotta have just one more word with my horse before you hang me, OK?"

The Outlaws, totally amazed, say, "Sure, Masked Man, go ahead."

The Lone Ranger grabs the horse's bridle, looks Silver dead in the eye, and yells,

"YOU STUPID HORSE! READ MY LIPS! I SAID, GO GET A POSSE! A POSSE!"

[DSB]

A man who has visitation rights goes to pick up his eight-year-old son on a Saturday morning.

"Have him home by dinner time," his former wife says.

Late in the afternoon the man pulls up in front of the house, the boy jumps out of the car and runs up to his mother who is waiting on the front steps.

"Mommy, mommy," the boy says, "we went to the zoo!"

"You did?" the mother asks.

"Yup," the boy says, "we went to the zoo and one of the animals paid $21.60!"