HUMOR

[myohmyjustify]

Subject: Yukon Retirement
 Louis had been in business for 25 years. Finally sick of the stress, he sells his company and buys 50 acres of land in the Yukon as far from humanity as possible. He sees the postman once a week and getsgroceries once a month. Otherwise, it's total peace and quiet.

After six months or so of almost total isolation, someone knocks on his door. He opens it and a huge, bearded man is standing there.

"My name's Stan, your neighbor from 40 miles up the road. Having a Christmas party Friday night. Thought you might like to come at about 5:00."

"Sounds great", says Louis. "After six months out here I'm ready to meet some local folks. Thank you."

As Stan is leaving, he stops."Gotta warn you. Be some heavy drinkin!".

"Not a problem" says Louis."After 25 years in the business world, I can drink with the best of 'em."

Again, the big man starts to leave and stops."More 'n' likely there's gonna be some fightin’ too”.

"Well, I get along with people, I'll be all right and, if not, I can handle myself pretty well ... I'll be there. Thanks again."

"More'n likely be some wild sex, too".

"Now that's really not a problem" says Louis, warming to the idea. "I've been all alone for six months! I'll definitely be there. By the way, what should I wear?"

"Don't much matter. It's just gonna be the two of us."

[TJDave]

A Greek and a Jew were sitting in a Starbucks one day comparing their two cultures.
Over a double latte, the Greek mentions “We built the Parthenon, you may recall, along with the Temple of Apollo.”
“Well, it was the Jews who discovered the Summer and Winter Solstices.”
“But it was the Greeks who gave birth to advanced mathematics.”
“Granted, but it was the Jews who built the first timepieces.”
Knowing that he’s about to deliver the coup de grace, the son of Athens points out with a note of finality: “Keep in mind that it was the ancient Greeks who invented the notion of sex as a pleasurable activity!”
“True enough, but it was the Jews who got women involved.”

[Tom]

[TJDave]

Sam and Rebecca met on a singles cruise and Sam fell head over heels for her.

When they discovered they both lived in Philadelphia only a few miles apart, Sam was ecstatic. He immediately started asking her out when they got home.

Within a couple of weeks, Sam had taken Rebecca to dance clubs, restaurants, concerts, movies, and museums. Sam became convinced that Rebecca was indeed his soul mate and true love.

On the one-month anniversary of their first dinner on the cruise ship, Sam took Rebecca to a fine restaurant. While having cocktails and waiting for their salad, Sam said, "I guess you can tell I'm very much in love with you. I'd like a little serious talk before our relationship continues. So, before I get a box out of my jacket and ask you a life-changing question, it's only fair to warn you, I'm a total golf nut. I play golf, I read about golf, I watch golf on TV. In short, I eat, sleep, and breathe golf. If that's going to be a problem for us, you'd better say so now!"

Rebecca paused, then responded, "Sam that certainly won't be a problem. I love you as you are and I love golf too; but, since we're being totally honest with each other, you need to know that for the last five years I've been a hooker."

Sam paused for a moment then said, "It's probably because you're not keeping your wrists straight when you hit the ball."

[Stevecsd2]

I think most of use can relate to this one:


https://www.gocomics.com/andycapp/2022/02/07

[Tom]

The madam of a house of ill repute heard the doorbell ring. She looked out through the peep hole and saw a man, on crutches, in a neck brace, both arms in casts as well as both legs.

"What do you want?" she asked him.
"Some action!" he replied.
"What the Hell do you think you could do?" she asked.
"What the Hell do think is ringing the doorbell?" he said.

[PhantomOnTour]

Why did the Riot Squad get up so early in the morning?
























So they could beat the crowd

[Tom]

The early bird gets the worm.


So why does the worm get up early?

--------------------------------------------


Did you hear about the two auctioneers who got into an arguement?
It only lasted a minute.

[Tom]

I went to the Early Bird dinner special tonigt.
It was worms.

[Tom]

A first grade teacher was teaching her class about flavors, using Lifedavers candy. She wouls give each kid a piece of candy and ask them to identify what flavor it was.

She handed out some yellow, lemon candise and right away little Suzie yellowed. "That's lemob!"

"Very good," said the teacher and then haned out some red, cherry ones.
"that's cherry!" yelled little Bobby.

"Very good."

Then she gave brown, Honey candies.
All the kids looked puzzled, nobody had any idea.
"I'll give you a clue." she said.
"This is what your Mommy calls your Daddy."

"SPIT 'EM OUT!" cried little Johnny. "THEY'RE ASSHOLES!!"

[Longshot6977]

Finally, some horse humor.

[TJDave]

The congregation got a new Rabbi and the youngsters thought he was a hip dude. Peppering his conversations with yo this and yo that…

Until they found out he was dyslexic.

[TJDave]

What do you call an armadillo with leprosy?

A dillo.

[TJDave]

Irving is depressed. His wife of fifty-three years died two years ago, and all his friends moved to Florida. One day, his friend, Murray, another widower, gives him a call.
Irving: I just don’t know what to do with myself.
Murray: After Esther died, I bought a camel. I don’t drive anymore. The camel takes me everywhere, and I get fresh air.
So, Irving buys a camel. He takes it everywhere: the doctor’s office, the supermarket, etc.
One day he leaves the deli and finds the camel is gone. He immediately calls 911.
Irving: Someone stole my camel.
911 operator: Can you describe the camel?
Irving: How does one describe a camel? It’s a camel!
911 operator: Well, what color is it?
Irving: Color? It’s camel-colored. Kind of beige, kind of brown.
911 operator: How tall is the camel?
Irving: How tall? It’s tall. It’s a camel. Maybe six feet?
911 operator: What is the sex of the camel?
Irving: What is the camel’s sex? How should I know? I never looked down there… oh, wait. It’s a male camel. Definitely male!
911 operator: A second ago, you said you didn’t know. Now, you’re sure? Why?
Irving: Because when I am riding him down the street, people start yelling, “Hey, get a load of the schmuck on that camel!”

[Tom]

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