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Old 11-20-2013, 10:14 PM   #211
myhorse1
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What deep thinkers men are...

I mowed the lawn today, and after doing so I sat down and had a cold beer. The day was really quite beautiful, and the drink facilitated some deep thinking.

My wife walked by and asked me what I was doing and I said 'nothing'. The reason I said that instead of saying 'just thinking' is because she would have said 'about what'.

At that point I would have to explain that men are deep thinkers about various topics which would lead to other questions.

Finally I thought about an age old question: Is giving birth more painful than getting kicked in the nuts?

Women always maintain that giving birth is way more painful than a guy getting kicked in the nuts.

Well, after another beer, and some heavy deductive thinking, I have come up with the answer to that question.

Getting kicked in the nuts is more painful than having a baby; and here is the reason for my conclusion.

A year or so after giving birth, a woman will often say, "It might be nice to have another child."

On the other hand, you never hear a guy say, "You know, I think I would like another kick in the nuts." I rest my case.

Time for another beer.
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Old 11-21-2013, 07:09 AM   #212
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in those trying times it is important to remember your Christian upbringing...

do unto others....

but the code of the west is....do onto others before they do it onto you and run!
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No Balls.......No baby!

Have you ever noticed that those who do not have a pot to piss in nor a window to throw it out of always seem to know how to handle the money of those who do.

Last edited by HUSKER55; 11-21-2013 at 07:11 AM.
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Old 11-25-2013, 03:35 AM   #213
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Florida Speeder

A Florida senior citizen, 76, drove
His brand new Corvette convertible out
Of the dealership.

Taking off down the road, he floored it to 80 mph, enjoying the wind blowing
Through what little hair he had left.

'Amazing,' he thought as he flew down I-75, pushing the pedal
Even more.

Looking in his rear view mirror, he saw the highway patrol behind him, blue
Lights flashing and siren blaring.



He floored it to 100mph, then 110, then 120.

Suddenly he thought, 'What am I doing? I'm too old for this,' and
Pulled over to await the Trooper's arrival.

Pulling in behind him, the Trooper walked up to the Corvette,
Looked at his watch and said, 'Sir, my
Shift ends in 30 minutes. Today is Friday. If you
Can give me a reason for speeding that I've never heard before, I'll let you go.'

The old gentleman paused. Then said, 'Years ago, my wife ran off with
a Florida State Trooper. I thought you were bringing her
Back.'

'Have a good day, Sir,' replied the Trooper
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Old 11-25-2013, 05:01 AM   #214
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Quote:
Originally Posted by myhorse1
When Insults Had Class
Opening night of one of George Bernard Shaw's plays.

An exchange between Shaw and the leading lady.


Shaw: Marvelous! Stupendous!

Actress: Undeserving such praise.

Shaw: I meant the play.

Actress
: So did I.
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Old 11-29-2013, 03:14 PM   #215
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> I became confused when I heard these terms which reference
> the word "service".
>
> Internal Revenue "Service"
> Telephone "Service"
> T.V. "Service"
> Civil "Service"
> City & County Public "Service"
> Customer "Service"
> and "Service" Stations
>
> This is not what I thought "service" meant. But
> today, I overheard two farmers talking, and one of them said
> he had hired a bull to "service" a few cows.
>
> BAM!!! It all came into perspective. I now understand what
> all those "service" agencies are doing to us.
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Old 12-01-2013, 08:34 PM   #216
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How yodeling began

Many years ago a man was traveling through the mountains of Switzerland .

Nightfall was rapidly approaching and he had nowhere to sleep. He went up to a farmhouse and asked the farmer if he could spend the night.

The farmer told him that he could sleep in the barn.

As the story goes, the farmer's daughter asked her father, 'Who is that man going into the barn?'

'That fellow traveling through,' said the farmer. 'needs a place to stay for the night, so, I told him he could sleep in the barn.'

The daughter said, 'Perhaps he is hungry .' So she prepared him a plate of food for him and then took it out to the barn.

About an hour later, the daughter returned. Her clothing disheveled and straw in her hair. Straight up to bed she went.

The farmer's wife was very observant. She then suggested that perhaps the man was thirsty. So she fetched a bottle of wine, took it out to the barn, and she too did not return for an hour. Her clothing was askew, her blouse buttoned incorrectly. She also headed straight to bed.

The next morning at sunrise the man in the barn got up and continued on his journey, waving to the farmer as he left.

When the daughter awoke and learned that the visitor was gone, she broke into tears. 'How could he leave without even saying good-bye,' she cried. 'We made such passionate love last night!'
'What?' shouted the father as he angrily ran out of the house looking for the man, who by now was halfway up the mountain.

The farmer screamed up at him, 'I'm going to get you! You had sex with my daughter!'

The man looked back down from the mountainside, cupped his hand next to his mouth, and yelled out.....

''LAIDTHEOLADEETOO''

Last edited by tucker6; 12-01-2013 at 08:35 PM.
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Old 12-02-2013, 06:21 PM   #217
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The boss had to fire somebody.
He narrowed it down to one of two people, either Becky or Jack.
It was an impossible decision because they were both decent workers.
Rather then flip a coin, he decided he would fire the first one who used the water cooler the next morning.
Becky came in the next morning with a horrible hangover after partying all night.
She went to the cooler to take an aspirin.
The boss approached her and said, "Becky, I've never done this before but i either have to lay you or Jack off."
"Could you jack off ? " she said. " I feel like shit this morning."
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Old 12-02-2013, 06:52 PM   #218
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A little old lady was walking down the street dragging two large plastic garbage bags behind her. One of the bags was ripped and every once in a while a $20 fell out onto the sidewalk. Noticing this, a policeman stopped her, and said, "Ma'am, there are $20 bills falling out of that bag."

"Oh, really? Darn it!" said the little old lady.. "I'd better go back and see if I can find them. Thanks for telling me officer.

"Well, now, not so fast," said the cop. Where did you get all that money? You didn't steal it, did you?"

"Oh, no, no", said the old lady. "You see, my back yard is right next to a Golf course.
A lot of Golfers come and pee through a knot hole in my fence, right into my flower garden. It used to really tick me off. Kills the flowers, you know. Then I thought, 'why not make the best of it?"

"So, now, I stand behind the fence by the knot hole, real quiet, with my hedge clippers. Every time some guy sticks his thing through my fence, I surprise him, grab hold of it and say, O.K., buddy! Give me $20, or off it comes."

"Well, that seems only fair," said the cop, laughing.

"OK. Good luck!"

"Oh, by the way, what's in the other bag?"

"Not everybody pays."
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Old 12-02-2013, 06:57 PM   #219
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Quote:
Originally Posted by magwell
The boss had to fire somebody.
He narrowed it down to one of two people, either Becky or Jack.
It was an impossible decision because they were both decent workers.
Rather then flip a coin, he decided he would fire the first one who used the water cooler the next morning.
Becky came in the next morning with a horrible hangover after partying all night.
She went to the cooler to take an aspirin.
The boss approached her and said, "Becky, I've never done this before but i either have to lay you or Jack off."
"Could you jack off ? " she said. " I feel like shit this morning."
Outstanding.
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Old 12-04-2013, 07:45 PM   #220
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Leno :
"These White House scandals are not going away
anytime soon. People in Kenya are now saying he's 100 percent
American. That's how bad it's gotten."

Obama's
commencement address: "He told the young graduates their
future is bright unless, of course, they want
jobs."
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Old 12-04-2013, 07:50 PM   #221
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More......

Passing Obamacare : A Simplified Analogy









When presenting Obamacare:







Remember when Nancy Pelosi said:









“We have to pass it, to find out what’s in it”

A physician called into a radio show and said:



"that's the definition of a stool sample."

That pretty well sums it up.
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Old 12-04-2013, 11:05 PM   #222
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Mother-in-law

The mother-in-law dropped in after shopping to find her son-in-law boiling angry and hurriedly packing his suitcase.

"What happened?" she asked anxiously.

"What happened? I'll tell you what happened. I sent an email to my wife --- your daughter --- telling her I was coming home a day early from my fishing trip. I got home ...and guess what I found? Your daughter, Jean, in bed with a naked guy! This is unforgiveable, the end of our marriage. I'm done. I'm leaving forever!"




"Calm down, calm down!" said his mother-in-law. "There's something very odd about that. Jean would never do such a thing. There must be a simple explanation. I'll go speak to her and find out what happened."




A few minutes later, the mother-in-law came back with a big smile and said,
"I told you there must be a simple explanation --- she didn't receive your email."
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Old 12-06-2013, 08:29 PM   #223
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A man from a neighboring ranch knocked at the door. A young boy, about
9, opened the door.

'Is yer Dad home?' the rancher asked

'No sir, he ain't,' the boy replied. 'He went into town.

'Well,' said the rancher, 'Is yer Mom here?'

'No, sir, she ain't here neither. She went into town with Dad.'

'How about your brother, Howard? Is he here?'

'He went with Mom and Dad.'

The rancher stood there for a few minutes, shifting from one foot to
The other and mumbling to himself.

'Is there anything I can do fer ya?' the boy asked politely 'I know
Where all the tools are, if you want to borry one. Or maybe I could
Take a message fer Dad.'

'Well,' said the rancher uncomfortably, 'I really wanted to talk to
Yer Dad. It's about your brother Howard getting my daughter, Pearly
Mae, pregnant.'

The boy considered for a moment. 'You would have to talk to Pa about
That, he finally conceded.

'If it helps you any, I know that Pa charges $500 for the bull and $50
For the hog, but I really don't know how much he gets fer Howard.'
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Old 12-06-2013, 08:57 PM   #224
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The Teacher tells the class they are going to play a game,she will describe an object and the students will tell her what she had described.Teacher:

"The first object is Red, Round, and has a stem." Timmy: " I know what it is, it's an apple." Teacher: "That's right, I like the way you're thinking."

"OK the next item is round, has a peel, and you eat it." Christopher: "I know what it is, it's an orange." Teacher: "That's right, I like the way you're thinking." Johnny:

"Can I try, Teacher?"

Teacher: "Yes Johnny, but, Keep it clean!" Johnny sticks his hands in his pockets and feels around for a second, and says "My object is round, hard, and has a head on it." Teacher: "Alright Johnny, go to the office!" Johnny: "No Teacher, it's a quarter, but, I like the way you're thinking!"
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Old 12-07-2013, 02:31 AM   #225
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A blonde went to electronic store and she asked, "How much is this TV?"

The salesman said, "Sorry, we don''t sell to blondes."

The next day she came back as a brunette. She asked the salesman how much the TV was. He said, "Sorry, we don''t sell to blondes."

The next day she came back as a red head and asked the salesman how much the TV was. He said, "Sorry we don''t sell to blondes."

She replied, " I came in here as a brunette and a red head. How do you know I am a blonde?"
"Because that is not a TV, it''s a microwave."
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