HUMOR

[Marshall Bennett]

Originally Posted by DJofSD

That one has the ring of something that actually happened.

It's just like the women with a protruding belly being asked when was she due when she was not pregnant. Yikes! How do you get out of that hole?

I've seen that mistake made and it's uncomfortable for all present. Best is to wait till they're about due to comment, or say nothing.

[RunForTheRoses]

http://teamcoco.com/video/triumph-world-cup-part-1

[BlueShoe]

According to Wall Street insiders, several mergers and consolidations are in the works for the rest of 2014. If you have some extra cash, if you get in now, you could get make some really big bucks, so climb aboard.

1. Hale Business Systems, Mary Kay Cosmetics, Fuller Brush, and W. R. Grace will merge and become Hale, Mary, Fuller, Grace.

2. Polygram Records, Warner Bros., and Zesta Crackers join forces and become Poly Warner Cracker.

3. 3M will merge with Goodyear and become MMMGood.

4. Zippo Manufacturing, Audi Motors, Dofasco, and Dakota Mining will merge and become ZipAudiDoDa.

5. FedEx will join it's comperitor UPS and become FedUp.

6. Fairchild Electronics will join Honeywell Computers and become Fairwell Honeychild.

7. Grey Poupon and Docker Pants are expected to become Poupon Pants.

8. Knotts Berry Farm and the National Organization of Women will become Knott Now.

9. Victoria's Secret and Smith & Wesson will merge under the new name Titty Titty Bang Bang.

[HUSKER55]

this should be down with the stock forum.

also, I can't locate the new ticker tape ids.

What am I missing?

[Longshot6977]

Originally Posted by BlueShoe

According to Wall Street insiders, several mergers and consolidations are in the works for the rest of 2014. If you have some extra cash, if you get in now, you could get make some really big bucks, so climb aboard.

1. Hale Business Systems, Mary Kay Cosmetics, Fuller Brush, and W. R. Grace will merge and become Hale, Mary, Fuller, Grace.

2. Polygram Records, Warner Bros., and Zesta Crackers join forces and become Poly Warner Cracker.

3. 3M will merge with Goodyear and become MMMGood.

4. Zippo Manufacturing, Audi Motors, Dofasco, and Dakota Mining will merge and become ZipAudiDoDa.

5. FedEx will join it's comperitor UPS and become FedUp.

6. Fairchild Electronics will join Honeywell Computers and become Fairwell Honeychild.

7. Grey Poupon and Docker Pants are expected to become Poupon Pants.

8. Knotts Berry Farm and the National Organization of Women will become Knott Now.

9. Victoria's Secret and Smith & Wesson will merge under the new name Titty Titty Bang Bang.

I heard Stop & Shop was merging with A&P. The new name will be Stop & P(ee)

[sammy the sage]

Two Danes from North Dakota are sittin' in a boat on DevilsLake, fishing and suckin' down beer.


All of a sudden Gutzon says,

"I think I'm going to divorce my wife. She hasn't spoken to me in over six months."


Ole sips his beer and says,

"You better think it over. Women like that are hard to find."

[sammy the sage]

Fast Divorce

A married couple are driving along a highway doing 60mph, the wife behind the wheel. Her husband suddenly looks over at her and says, "Honey, I know we've been married for 20 years, but I want a divorce." The wife says nothing but slowly increases speed to 70 mph. He then says, "I don't want you to try to talk me out of it, because I've been having an affair with your best friend, and she's a better lover than you are." Again the wife stays quiet but speeds up as her anger increases. "I want the house," he insists, pressing his luck. Again the wife speeds up, to eighty mph. He says, "I want the car, too," but she just drives faster and faster. By now she's up to ninety mph. "All right," he says, "I want the bank accounts, and all the credit cards, too." The wife slowly starts to veer toward a bridge. This makes him a bit nervous, so he says, "Isn't there anything you want?" The wife says, "No, I've got everything I need." "Oh, really," he says, "so what have you got?" Right before they slam into the wall at a 100 mph, the wife smiles and says, " The airbag."

[sammy the sage]

"Ah, yes, divorce, from the Latin word meaning to rip out a man's genitals through his wallet." -- Robin Williams

[Longshot6977]

A cowboy goes into a bar, has a beer, walks outside and finds his horse has been stolen. He walks back into the bar, fires his gun through the ceiling. "Which one of you mothers stole my hoss?" he yells. No one answers. "All right, I'm gonna have one more beer and if my hoss ain't outside by the time I finish, I'm gonna do what I dun in Texas."
He drinks another beer, walks outside, and his horse is back. So he gets on it and gets ready to ride out of town. The bartender walks out of the bar and asks, "Say pardner, what happened in Texas?" The cowboy turns to him, and says, "I had to bloody walk home."

[cj's dad]

Fred was in the fertilized egg business. He had several hundred young 'pullets,' and ten roosters to fertilize the eggs.He kept records, and any rooster not performing went into the soup pot and was replaced.This took a lot of time, so he bought some tiny bells and attached them to his roosters. Each bell had a different tone, so he could tell from a distance, which rooster was performing.


Now, he could sit on the porch and fill out an efficiency report by just listening to the bells. Fred's favorite rooster, old Barack, was a very fine specimen, but this morning he noticed old Barack's bell hadn't rung at all!When he went to investigate, he saw the other roosters were busy chasing pullets, bells-a-ringing, but the pullets, hearing the roosters coming, would run for cover.


To Fred's amazement, old Barack had his bell in his beak, so it couldn't ring. He'd sneak up on a pullet, do his job and walk on to the next one. Fred was so proud of old Barack, he entered him in the Brisbane City Show and he became an overnight sensation among the judges. The result was the judges not only awarded old Barack the "No Bell Piece Prize," but they also awarded him the "Pulletsurprise" as well.

[cj's dad]

01. Kidnappers are not very interested in you.

02. In a hostage situation you are likely to be released first.

03. No one expects you to run--anywhere.

04. People call at 9 PM and ask,"did I wake you?"

05. People no longer view you as a hypochondriac.

06. There is nothing left to learn the hard way.

07. Things you buy now won't wear out.

08. You can eat supper at 5 PM.

09. You can live without sex but not your glasses.

10. You get into heated arguments about pension plans.

11. You no longer think of speed limits as a challenge.

12. You quit trying to hold your stomach in no matter who walks into the room.

13. You sing along with elevator music.

14. Your eyes won't get much worse.

15. Your investment in health insurance is finally beginning to pay off.

16. Your joints are more accurate meteorologists than the national weather service.

17. Your secrets are safe with your friends because they can't remember them either.

18. Your supply of brain cells is finally down to manageable size.

19. You can't remember who sent you this list.

20. And you notice these are all in Big Print for your convenience.

Most important:
Never take a laxative and sleeping pill at the same time !

[BlueShoe]

Women often receive warnings about protecting themselves while at the mall and parking lots, but this is the first warning I have seen for men, and I wanted to pass it on in case you haven't heard it.

This is a heads up for those older men that shop at Home Depot, Lowes, Costco, Target, Walmart, etc.

Last month I became a victim of a cleaver scam while shopping.

Simply going to get supplies turned out to be quite traumatic.

Don't be naive enough to think that it could not happen to you or your friends.

Here's how the scam works:

Two college aged attractive girls will come up to your vehicle as you are putting away your purchases.

They both start wiping your windows with rags and Windex. Their breasts are almost falling out of their very low cut blouses, and it is impossible not to look.

When you thank them and offer them a tip, they say no, and instead, ask for a ride to McDonalds.

You agree, and they climb in the vehicle.

On the way, they start undressing.

Then one of them starts crawling all over you.

While the other one steals your wallet.

I had my wallet stolen on June 4th, 7th, 9th,

Twice on the 15th, 18th, 19th, 25th, and 29th.

Also on July 1st and 3rd.

Twice on the 5th and 6th,

And very likely again this week.

Walmart has wallets on sale for $2.99

I found even cheaper ones at the dollar store for $.99 and bought them out at three of their stores.

Also, you never get to eat at McDonalds.

I've already lost 11 pounds running back and forth from Target to Lowes, etc.

So please send this on to all the older men that you know and warn them to be on the lookout for this scam.

(The best times are just before noon and then again around 4:30 in the afternoon.)

[tucker6]

Let's see if anyone can get this joke.


16 sodium atoms walk into a bar, followed closely by Batman.


What does it mean? I didn't get the joke myself, but I have it now. Pretty clever really.

[HUSKER55]

yepper....may take me awhile

[TJDave]

What do you call an Chinese girl with one leg?

Irene