HUMOR

[RunForTheRoses]

Three Guys Getting old

"Sixty is the worst age to be," said the 60-year old man. "You always feel like you
have to pee and most of the time you stand there and nothing comes out."

"Ah, that's nothin," said the 70-year old. "When you're seventy, you don't have a bowel movement any more. You take laxatives, eat bran, sit on the toilet all day and
nothin' comes out!"

"Actually," said the 80-year old, "Eighty is the worst age of all."

"Do you have trouble peeing, too?" asked the 60-year old.

"No, I pee every morning at 6:00. I pee like a racehorse; no problem at all..."

"So, do you have a problem with your bowel movement?"

"No, I have one every morning at 6:30."

Exasperated, the 60-year old said, "You pee every morning at 6:00 and crap every morning at 6:30. So what's so bad about being 80?"

"I don't wake up until 7:00.

[HUSKER55]

[cj's dad]

1. At Lunch Time, Sit In Your Parked Car With Sunglasses on and point
a Hair Dryer At Passing Cars...watch 'em Slow Down!

2. On all your check stubs, write 'For Marijuana'!

3. Skip down the street Rather Than Walk and see how many looks you get.

4. Order a Diet Water whenever you go out to eat, with a serious face.

5. Sing Along At The Opera.

6. When The Money Comes Out of The ATM, Scream 'I Won! I Won!'

7. When Leaving the Zoo, start Running towards the Car Park, Yelling
'Run For Your Lives! They're Loose!'

8. Tell Your Children over dinner: 'Due to the economy, we are going
to have to let one of you go...

9. PICK UP A BOX OF CONDOMS AT THE PHARMACY, GO TO THE COUNTER AND ASK
WHERE THE FITTING ROOM IS.

And The Final Way To Keep A Healthy Level Of Insanity: my favorite.

10. Go to a large Department store’s fitting room, drop your drawers
to your ankles and yell out: “THERE IS NO TOILET PAPER IN HERE”

[sammy the sage]

The requirements this week were to use the two words 'Lewinsky' (the Intern) and 'Kaczynski' (the Unabomber)

in the same limerick. Now, remember, the following winning entries were printed verbatim in the newspaper:



Third place: There once was a girl named Lewinsky, Who played on a flute like Stravinsky. 'Twas 'Hail to the Chief' On this flute made of beef That stole the front page from Kaczynski.

Second place: Said Clinton to young Ms. Lewinsky, We don't want to leave clues like Kaczynski, Since you made such a mess, Use the hem of your dress And please wipe that stuff off your chinsky.

And the winning entry: Lewinsky and Clinton have shown What Kaczynski must surely have known, That an intern is better Than a bomb in a letter, When deciding how best to be blown.

[BlueShoe]

A couple goes out to dinner to celebrate their 50th wedding anniversary. On the way home, the wife notices tears streaming down her husband's cheeks. Touched, she asks him if he is sentimental about them celebrating 50 wonderful years together.

He replies, "No, I was thinking about the time before we got married. Your father threatened me with a shotgun, and said that he would have me thrown in jail for 50 years if I did not marry you. Tomorrow I would have been a free man!"

[PhantomOnTour]

Originally Posted by BlueShoe

A couple goes out to dinner to celebrate their 50th wedding anniversary. On the way home, the wife notices tears streaming down her husband's cheeks. Touched, she asks him if he is sentimental about them celebrating 50 wonderful years together.

He replies, "No, I was thinking about the time before we got married. Your father threatened me with a shotgun, and said that he would have me thrown in jail for 50 years if I did not marry you. Tomorrow I would have been a free man!"

I have already forwarded this joke to someone

[HuggingTheRail]

I'm reaching out on behalf of a friend of mine who needs some help !!. His wife told him to go out and get some of those pills that would help him get an erection and when he came back he handed her some diet pills. Anyway, he's looking for a place to live now if you can help him...

[sammy the sage]

A man and woman were having marital problems so they went to see a
marriage counselor.

The counselor, in an attempt to find some common ground from which to
begin his analysis said, "Tell me about anything the two of you have in common."

The husband spoke up and said, "Well, neither one of us sucks dicks."

[Actor]

A couple decides to abstain from sex during months that do not contain the letter "R". Things go well during September, October, November, December, January, February, March and April. Then they abstain during May, June and July. On July 31 the husband asks his wife "What's tomorrow's date?" She replies

"Argust first!"

[Longshot6977]

Originally Posted by sammy the sage

A man and woman were having marital problems so they went to see a
marriage counselor.

The counselor, in an attempt to find some common ground from which to
begin his analysis said, "Tell me about anything the two of you have in common."

The husband spoke up and said, "Well, neither one of us sucks dicks."

Haha

[sammy the sage]

One afternoon, a high-ranking government official was riding in his limousine when he saw two men along the roadside eating grass. Pretending to be disturbed, he ordered his driver to stop and he got out to investigate.

He asked one man, "Why are you eating grass?"

"We don't have any money for food," the poor man replied.
"We have to eat grass."

"Well, then, you can come with me to my house and I'll feed you," the official said.

"But sir, I have a wife and two children with me. They are over there, under that tree."

"Bring them along," the official replied.

Turning to the other poor man he stated, "You come with us, also."

The second man, in a pitiful voice, then said, "But sir, I also have a wife and SIX children with me!"

"Bring them all, as well," the official answered.

They all entered the car, which was no easy task, even for a car as large as the limousine was.

Once underway, one of the poor fellows turned to the official and said, "Sir, you are too kind."
"Thank you for taking all of us with you."

The official replied, "Glad to do it. You'll really love my place. The grass is almost a foot high!"

[sammy the sage]

Boudreaux was a man who had worked all of his life, had saved all of his money, and was a real miser when it came to his money. He told his wife, Marie, "When I die, I want you to take all my money and put it in the casket with me. I want to take my money to the afterlife with me." And so he got his wife to promise him with all of her heart that when he died, she would put all of the money in the casket with him.
Well, he died. He was stretched out in the casket, Marie was sitting there in black, and her friend Clotile was sitting next to her.
When they finished the ceremony, just before the undertakers got ready to close the casket, the Marie said, "Wait just a minute!"
She had a box with her, she came over with the box and put it in the casket. Then the undertakers locked the casket down, and they rolled it away.
So Clotile said to her, "Girl, I know you weren't fool enough to put all that money in there with your husband."
The always loyal Marie replied, "Listen, I'm a Christian, I can't go back on my word. I promised him that I was going to put that money in that casket with him."
"You mean to tell me you put all money in the casket with him!!!!?"
"I sure did," said the wife. "I got it all together, put it into my account and wrote him a check. If he can cash it, he can spend it.

[sammy the sage]

'I Think You're The Father of One of My Kids....'

A guy goes to the supermarket and notices a very attractive woman waving at him.

She says, 'Hello.'

He's rather taken aback because he can't place where he knows her from. So he asks, 'Do you know me?'

To which she replies, 'I think you're the father of one of my kids.'

Now his mind travels back to the only time he has ever been unfaithful to his wife.

So he asks, 'Are you the stripper from the bachelor party that I made love to on the pool table, with all my buddies watching, while your partner whipped my butt with wet celery?'

She looks into his eyes and says calmly, 'No, I'm your son's teacher.'

[tucker6]

Originally Posted by sammy the sage

'I Think You're The Father of One of My Kids....'

A guy goes to the supermarket and notices a very attractive woman waving at him.

She says, 'Hello.'

He's rather taken aback because he can't place where he knows her from. So he asks, 'Do you know me?'

To which she replies, 'I think you're the father of one of my kids.'

Now his mind travels back to the only time he has ever been unfaithful to his wife.

So he asks, 'Are you the stripper from the bachelor party that I made love to on the pool table, with all my buddies watching, while your partner whipped my butt with wet celery?'

She looks into his eyes and says calmly, 'No, I'm your son's teacher.'

yikes

[DJofSD]

That one has the ring of something that actually happened.

It's just like the women with a protruding belly being asked when was she due when she was not pregnant. Yikes! How do you get out of that hole?