HUMOR

[sammy the sage]

In a mental institution a nurse walks into a room and sees a patient acting like he's driving a car. The nurse asks him, "Charlie, what are you doing? "Charlie replied, "Driving to Chicago! " The nurse wishes him a good trip and leaves the room. The next day the nurse enters Charlie's room just as he stops driving his imaginary car and asks, "Well Charlie, how are you doing? "Charlie says, "I just got into Chicago ". "Great," replied the nurse. The nurse leaves Charlie's room and goes across the hall into Bob's room, and finds Bob sitting on his bed furiously masturbating. Shocked, she asks,"Bob, what are you doing?! "Bob says, "I'm screwing Charlie's wife while he's in Chicago! "

............

Two good ol' boys, Bubba and Junior get promoted from Privates to Sergeants. Not long after, they're out for a walk and Bubba says, "Hey, Junior - there's the NCO Club. Let's you and me stop in and have us a drank. "But we's privates," protests Junior. "NO, we's sergeants now," says Bubba, pulling him inside "Now, Junior, I'm gonna sit down and have me a drank. "But, we's privates," says Junior. "You blind, boy! " says Bubba, pointing at his stripes. "We's Sergeants now! "So they order their drinks and pretty soon a hooker comes up to Bubba. "You're cute," she says, "and I'd like to take you someplace and make you feel good -- but I've got a bad case of gonorrhea. "Bubba pulls his friend to the side and whispers, "Junior, go look in the dictionary and see what that gonorrhea means. If it's good, give me the okay sign. "Junior goes to look it up, comes back, and gives Bubba the big okay sign. Three weeks later Bubba is laid up in the infirmary with a terrible case of gonorrhea. "Junior," he says, "What you give me the okay for?! "Well Bubba, in the dictionary, it says gonorrhea only affects the privates. "Then he pointed to his stripes and says, "But we's Sergeants now!"

[sammy the sage]

Why did the chicken cross the road?


SARAH PALIN: The chicken crossed the road because, gosh-darn it, he's a maverick!


BARACK OBAMA: Let me be perfectly clear, if the chickens like their eggs they can keep their eggs. No chicken will be required to cross the road to surrender her eggs. Period.


JOHN McCAIN: My friends, the chicken crossed the road because he recognized the need to engage in cooperation and dialogue with all the chickens on the other side of the road.


HILLARY CLINTON: What difference at this point does it make why the chicken crossed the road?


GEORGE W. BUSH: We don't really care why the chicken crossed the road. We just want to know if the chicken is on our side of the road or not. The chicken is either with us or against us. There is no middle ground here.


DICK CHENEY: Where's my gun?


COLIN POWELL: Now to the left of the screen, you can clearly see the satellite image of the chicken crossing the road.


BILL CLINTON: I did not cross the road with that chicken.


AL GORE: I invented the chicken.


JOHN KERRY: Although I voted to let the chicken cross the road, I am now against it! It was the wrong road to cross, and I was misled about the chicken's intentions. I am not for it now, and will remain against it.


AL SHARPTON: Why are all the chickens white?


DR. PHIL: The problem we have here is that this chicken won't realize that he must first deal with the problem on this side of the road before it goes after the problem on the other side of the road. What we need to do is help him realize how stupid he is acting by not taking on his current problems before adding any new problems.


OPRAH: Well, I understand that the chicken is having problems, which is why he wants to cross the road so badly. So instead of having the chicken learn from his mistakes and take falls, which is a part of life, I'm going to give this chicken a NEW CAR so that he can just drive across the road and not live his life like the rest of the chickens.


ANDERSON COOPER: We have reason to believe there is a chicken, but we have not yet been allowed to have access to the other side of the road.


NANCY GRACE: That chicken crossed the road because he's guilty! You can see it in his eyes and the way he walks.


PAT BUCHANAN: To steal the job of a decent, hardworking American.


MARTHA STEWART: No one called me to warn me which way the chicken was going. I had a standing order at the Farmer's Market to sell my eggs when the price dropped to a certain level. No little bird gave me any insider information.


DR SEUSS: Did the chicken cross the road? Did he cross it with a toad? Yes, the chicken crossed the road, but why it crossed I've not been told.


ERNEST HEMINGWAY: To die in the rain, alone.


GRANDPA: In my day we didn't ask why the chicken crossed the road. Somebody told us the chicken crossed the road, and that was good enough for us.


BARBARA WALTERS: Isn't that interesting? In a few moments, we will be listening to the chicken tell, for the first time, the heart-warming story of how it experienced a serious case of molting, and went on to accomplish its lifelong dream of crossing the road.


ARISTOTLE: It is the nature of chickens to cross the road.


JOHN LENNON: Imagine all the chickens in the world crossing roads together, in peace.


BILL GATES: I have just released eChicken2014, which will not only cross roads, but will lay eggs, file your important documents and balance your checkbook. Internet Explorer is an integral part of eChicken2014. This new platform is much more stable and will never need to reboot.


ALBERT EINSTEIN: Did the chicken really cross the road, or did the road move beneath the chicken?


COLONEL SANDERS: Did I miss one?

[Rookies]

Rick was in trouble. He forgot his wedding anniversary.


His wife was really angry.


She told him "Tomorrow morning, I expect to find a gift in the driveway that goes from 0 to 200 in less than 6 seconds, AND IT BETTER BE THERE!!"


The next morning Rick got up early and left for work.


When his wife woke up she looked out the window and sure enough there was a box gift-wrapped in the middle of the driveway.


Confused, the wife put on her robe and ran out to the driveway, and brought the box back in the house.


She opened it and found a brand new bathroom scale.



Rick has been missing since Friday. Please pray for him.

[Longshot6977]

TWO REDNECKS

Two Rednecks were sitting around talking one afternoon over a cold beer.
After a while the first Redneck says to the second, "If I was to sneak over to your house and make love to your wife while you was off huntin', and she got pregnant and had a baby, would that make us related?"

The second Redneck crooked his head sideways for a minute, scratched his head, swallowed hard and squinted his eyes thinking real hard about the question.

Finally, he says, "Well, I don't know about related, but I guess it sure would make us even."

[IrishRail76]

My apologies is this has been posted before.

Let's call this one "Lover's Lane":


A cop was patrolling at night in awell-known spot. He sees a couple in a car, with the interior light brightlyglowing. The cop carefully approaches the car to get a closer look.

Then he sees a young man behind the wheel, reading a computer magazine. He alsonotices a young woman in the rear seat, knitting.

Puzzled by this surprising situation, the cop walks to the car and gently rapson the driver's window. The young man lowers his window ... "Uh, yes,officer?"

"What are you doing ?"

"Well, isn't it obvious? I'm reading a magazine, sir "

Pointing towards the young woman in the back seat the cop says, "And her,what is she doing?"

The young man shrugs: "Sir, I believe she's knitting a pulloversweater."

Now, the cop is totally confused. A young couple. Alone, in a car, at night ina lovers' lane. And nothing obscene is happening! "What's your age, youngman ?"

"I'm 25, sir."

"And her ... what's her age?"

The young man looks at his watch and replies, "She'll be 18 in 11minutes."



====================


This woman just stared at the beer in my cup holder,
like she's never seen a cup holder on a grocery cart before.



Yikes, I'm outta here.............Jim

[sammy the sage]

1. A vulture boards an airplane, carrying two dead raccoons. The stewardess looks at him and says, "I'm sorry, sir, only one carrion allowed per passenger."

2. Two fish swim into a concrete wall. The one turns to the other and says: "Dam!".

3. Two Eskimos sitting in a kayak were chilly, so they lit a fire in the craft. Unsurprisingly it sank, proving once again that you can't have your kayak and heat it too.

4. Two hydrogen atoms meet. One says "I've lost my electron." The other says "Are you sure?" The first replies "Yes, I'm positive."

5. Did you hear about the Buddhist who refused Novocain during a root canal? His goal: transcend dental medication.

6. A group of chess enthusiasts checked into a hotel and were standing in the lobby discussing their recent tour nament victories. After about an hour, the manager came out of the office and asked them to disperse. "But why?" they asked, as they moved off. "Because", he said, "I can't stand chess-nuts boasting in an open foyer."

7. A woman has twins and gives them up for adoption. One of them goes to a family in Egypt and is named "Ahmal." The other goes to a family in Spain; they name him "Juan." Years later, Juan sends a picture of himself to his birth mother. Upon receiving the picture, she tells her husband that she wishes she also had a picture of Ahmal. Her husband responds, "They're twins! If you've seen Juan, you've seen Ahmal."

8. Friars behind on their belfry payments opened a small florist shop to raise funds. Since everyone liked to buy flowers from the men of God, a rival florist across town thought the competition was unfair. He asked the good fathers to close down, but they would not. So, the rival florist hired Hugh MacTaggart, a thug in town to "persuade" them to close. Hugh beat up the friars and trashed their store, saying he'd be back if they didn't close up shop. Terrified, they did so, thereby proving that: Only Hugh, can prevent florist friars.

9. Mahatma Gandhi, as you know, walked barefoot most of the time, which produced an impressive set of calluses on his feet. He also ate very little, which made him rather frail and with his odd diet, he suffered from bad breath.
This made him ...(Oh,man, this is so bad, it's good).....A super calloused fragile mystic vexed by halitosis.

[sammy the sage]

· Jokes about German sausage are the wurst.


· I know a guy who's addicted to brake fluid. He says he can stop any time.


· How does Moses make his tea? Hebrews it.


· I stayed up all night to see where the sun went. Then it dawned on me.


· This girl said she recognized me from the vegetarian club, but I'd never met herbivore.


· I'm reading a book about anti-gravity. I can't put it down.


· They told me I had type A blood, but it was a type-O.


· A dyslexic man walks into a bra .


· PMS jokes aren't funny, period.


· Why were the Indians here first? They had reservations.


· Class trip to the Coca-Cola factory-- I hope there's no pop quiz.


· The Energizer bunny arrested and charged with battery.


· The old man didn't like his beard at first. Then it grew on him.


· Did you hear about the cross eyed teacher who lost her job because she couldn't control her pupils?


· When you get a bladder infection, urine trouble.


· What does a clock do when it's hungry? It goes back four seconds.

· I wondered why the baseball was getting bigger. Then it hit me!

· What do you call a dinosaur with anextensive vocabulary? A thesaurus.

· England has no kidney bank, but it does have a Liverpool .

· I used to be a banker, but then I lost interest.


· I got a job at a bakery because I kneaded dough.

· Velcro - what a rip off!

· Cartoonist found dead in home. Details are sketchy.

· Venison for dinner? Oh deer!

· Earthquake in Washington obviously government's fault.

· I used to think I was indecisive, but now I'm not so sure.

[sammy the sage]

Two lawyers had been stranded on a desert island for several months.

The only thing on the island was a tall coconut tree that provided them
their only food. Each day one of the lawyers would climb to the top to
see if he could spot a rescue boat coming.

One day the lawyer yelled down from the tree, "WOW, I just can't believe my eyes. There is a woman out there floating in our direction."

The lawyer on the ground was most skeptical and said, "You're
hallucinating; you've finally lost your mind." But within a few minutes,
up to the beach floated a stunning red head, face up, totally naked, unconscious, without even so much as a ring or earrings on her person. The two lawyers went down to the water, dragged her up on the beach and discovered, yes, she was alive, warm and breathing.

One said to the other, "You know, we've been on this God forsaken island for months now without a woman. It's been such a long, long time. So ... do you think we should ... well ... you know ... screw her?"

"Out of WHAT?!?" asked the other

[HUSKER55]

[sammy the sage]

The husband leans over and asks his wife, 'Do you remember the first time we had s e x together over fifty years ago? We went behind the village tavern where you leaned against the back fence and I made love to you.'


Yes, she says, 'I remember it well.'


OK,' he says, 'How about taking a stroll around there again and we can do it for old time's sake?'


Oh Jim, you old devil, that sounds like a crazy, but good idea!'


A police officer sitting in the next booth heard their conversation and, having a chuckle to himself, he thinks to himself, I've got to see these two old-timers having sex against a fence. I'll just keep an eye on them so there's no trouble. So he follows them.


The elderly couple walks haltingly along, leaning on each other for support aided by walking sticks. Finally, they get to the back of the tavern and make their way to the fence. The old lady lifts her skirt and the old man drops his trousers. As she leans against the fence, the old man moves in.. Then suddenly they erupt into the most furious sex that the policeman has ever seen. This goes on for about ten minutes while both are making loud noises and moaning and screaming. Finally, they both collapse, panting on the ground.


The policeman is amazed. He thinks he has learned something about life and old age that he didn't know..


After about half an hour of lying on the ground recovering, the old couple struggle to their feet and put their clothes back on.. The policeman, is still watching and thinks to himself, this is truly amazing, I've got to ask them what their secret is.


So, as the couple passes, he says to them,' Excuse me, but that was something else. You must've had a fantastic sex life together. Is there some sort of secret to this?'


Shaking, the old man is barely able to reply,


' Fifty years ago that wasn't an electric fence .'

[HUSKER55]

[sammy the sage]

Little Johnny was sitting in class doing math problems when his teacher picked him to answer a question, "Johnny, if there were five birds sitting on a fence and you shot one with your gun, how many would be left?" "None," replied Johnny, "cause the rest would fly away." "Well, the answer is four," said the teacher, "but I like the way you're thinking." Little Johnny says, "I have a question for you. If there were three women eating ice cream cones in a shop, one was licking her cone, the second was biting her cone and the third was sucking her cone, which one is married?" "Well," said the teacher nervously, "I guess the one sucking the cone." "No," said Little Johnny, "the one with the wedding ring on her finger, but I like the way you're thinking."
...............

While playing in the backyard, Little Johnny kills a honeybee. His father sees him killing the honeybee and angrily says, "No honey for you for one month!" Later that afternoon, Johnny's dad catches him tearing the wings off a butterfly. "That's it! No butter for you for one month!" says his dad. Later that evening as Johnny's mother cooks dinner, a cockroach run across the kitchen floor. She jumps and stomps on it, and then looks up to find Little Johnny and her husband watching her. Little Johnny looks at his father and says, "Are you going to tell her, Dad, or do you want me to?"
...

and last but not least-

Little Johnny and a little girl are playing. Little Johnny pulls down his shorts and says, "I have one of these and you don't." The little girl starts crying and crying and runs home to her mother. The next day Little Johnny and the girl are playing together again. Once again Little Johnny points to his private parts and says, "I have one of these and you don't." But this time the little girl just keeps on playing. "How come you're not crying today," asks Little Johnny. "My mother told me," says the little girl, pulling up her dress, "that with one of these, I can get as many of those as I want."

[DJofSD]

A grizzled old prospector comes out of the mountains and goes to a nearby town. While there he decides to have a beer.

Nuzzling up to the bar, he tells the 'keeper, "Let me have a beer."

The '49er then sees a sign on the wall. It reads "Make the horse laugh get a free beer."

"Hey, bar keep, what's up with that sign? Is it on the up-and-up?" asks the prospector.

The bartender says, "Why, yes sir, it is. If you can make the horse laugh you get a beer on the house."

"Well, I'd like a free one, what do I have to do?"

"Sir, see that horse over there? Get him to laugh and the beer is all yours."

Looking to where the barkeeper is pointing, he sees in the corner an old horse tied up. Getting off of his stool, he walks over to the horse and then proceeds to whisper something to the horse. Very quickly, the horse bursts out in fits of laughter.

As the prospector walks back to the bar, the barkeeper draws up a beer and gives it to the old guy as he sits down. After finishing his beer, the sourdough leaves.

Many months go by and the prospector finds himself in town again. Remembering the free beer, he goes back to the same saloon. Except now the sign has changed. It now reads "Make the horse cry get a free beer."

"Bar keep, is that sign legit?"

"Yes, sir, it is. By the way, aren't you the same person that was in here some time back and made the horse laugh?"

"Yes, sonny, that was me. Same deal as before?"

"Yes, same horse -- get him to cry and the next beer is on the house."

Without any delay, the old guy walks over to the horse then after a moment or two of commotion, the horse falls to the floor crying uncontrollably.

As the prospector sits back down at the bar, the saloon keeper is ready to place the free glass of beer on the bar but withholds it saying, "Before I let you have your free beer, I have one condition. First, you have to tell me what you said to the horse when you made him laugh and then you must tell me what you did to make him cry."

"Sure, I'll be happy to do so."

"First thing I did months ago was I told the horse mine was longer than his, and then, just now, I showed it to him."

[magwell]

]What is Confidence?

A Navy Pilot (a Top Gun type) walks into a bar and takes a seat next to a very attractive woman. He gives her a quick glance then casually looks at his watch for a moment.

The woman notices this and asks, "Is your date running late?"

“No," he replies, "I just got this state-of-the-art watch, and I was just testing it."

The intrigued woman says, "A state-of-the-art watch? What's so special about it?"

The Pilot says, "It uses alpha waves to talk to me telepathically."

The lady says,"What's it telling you now?"

“Well, it says that you're not wearing any panties...."

The woman giggles and replies, "Well it must be broken because I am wearing panties!"

The Fighter Pilot smirks, taps his watch and says, "Damn thing's
an hour fast."

And That Is Confidence.

[BlueShoe]

An Israeli doctor says: "In Israel, medicine is so advanced that we cut off a man's testicles, put them on another man, and in 6 weeks he is looking for work."

The German doctor says: "That's nothing, in Germany, we take part of a brain, put it in another man, and in 4 weeks he is looking for work."

The Russian doctor says: "Gentlemen, in Russia we take half a heart from a man, put it in another's chest, and in 2 weeks he is looking for work."

The American doctor laughs:"You are all behind us. Over five years ago, we took a man with no brains, no heart, and no balls, and made him President. Now the whole country is looking for work."