HUMOR

[RunForTheRoses]

FEMALE POEM

I want a man who's handsome, smart and strong

One who loves to listen long.

One who thinks before he speaks

One who'll call, not wait for weeks.

I want him to be gainfully employed,

When I spend his cash, be not annoyed.

Pulls out my chair and opens my door,

massages my back and begs to do more.

Oh! For a man who makes love to my mind

And knows what to answer to "how big is my behind?"

I want this man to love me to no end,

And always be my very best friend.

MALE POEM

I want a deaf-mute nymphomaniac

with huge boobs who owns a liquor store and a bass boat.

I know this doesn't rhyme and I don't give a shit.

[RunForTheRoses]

Luigi's New Leather Shoes


Luigi is in this country for only 6 months.
He walks to work 20 blocks every day and passes a shoe store.

Each day he stops and looks in the window
to admire the Boccelli leather shoes.
He wants those shoes so much,it's all he can think about.

After about 2 months he saves the price
of the shoes, $300, and purchases them.


Every Friday night the Italian community
holds a dance in the church basement.


Luigi seizes this opportunity to wear
his new Boccelli leather shoes for the first time.

He asks Sophia to dance and as they dance he asks her, "Sophia, do you wear red panties tonight?"




Startled, Sophia replies,
"Yes, Luigi, I do wear red panties tonight,
But how do you know?"

Luigi answers, "I see the reflection in my new
$300 Boccelli leather shoes.

How do you like them?"

Next he asks Rosa to dance,
and after a few minutes he asks,
" Rosa , do you wear white panties tonight?"


Rosa answers,
"Si, Luigi I do, but how do you know that?"

He replies, "I see the reflection in my new
$300 Boccelli leather shoes.."

How do you like them?"


Now as the evening is almost over
and the last song is being played,
Luigi asks Carmela to dance.
Midway through the dance his face turns red.
He states, "Carmela, be stilla my heart,
please, please tell me you wear no panties tonight,
please, please, tella me this true!"


Carmela smiles coyly and answers,
"Yes Luigi, I weara no panties tonight."

Luigi gasps,

"Thanka God....
I thought I had a CRACK in my
$300 Boccelli leather shoes!"

[RunForTheRoses]

This is getting serious!!

[BlueShoe]

A husband and wife are shopping in their local supermarket. The husband picks up a case of beer and puts in their cart. "What do you think you're doing?" asks the wife. "They're on sale, only $10 for 24 cans" he replies. "Put them back, we can't afford them" demands the wife. He does so, and they continue shopping.

A few aisles father on, the woman picks up a $20 jar of face cream and puts it in the basket. "What do you think you're doing, asks the husband." "It's my face cream, it makes me look beautiful." replies the wife. Her husband retorts; "So does 24 cans of beer, and it's only half the price."

Thats him, face down over on aisle 5.

[FantasticDan]

This dog isn't allowed on the bed - but when the cat's away...

Actually the cat is right there on the bed, so owner in this case..

[YT=""]7D5bPLxU8U8[/YT]

[sammy the sage]

With a very seductive voice a wife asked her husband, "Have you ever seen Twenty Dollars all crumpled
> up?"
> "No" said her husband.
> She gave him a sexy little smile unbuttoned top three buttons of her blouse and slowly reached down in her
> cleavage created by a soft, silky pushup bra and pulled out a crumpled Twenty Dollar bill.

> He took the crumpled Twenty Dollar bill from her and smiled approvingly.

> She then asked "Have you ever seen Fifty Dollars all crumpled up?" "No I haven't" he said, an anxious tone in his voice.

> She gave him another sexy little smile pulled up her skirt, seductively reached into her tight sheer panties and pulled out a crumpled Fifty Dollar bill.

> He took the crumpled Fifty Dollar bill and started breathing a little quicker with anticipation.

> "Now" she said "Have you ever seen 50,000 Dollars all crumpled up?"

> "No way" he said becoming even more aroused and excited to which she replied:




> "Go look in the garage."

[HUSKER55]

[sammy the sage]

Sign over a Gynecologist's Office:
"Dr. Johnson, at your cervix."
**************************
In a Podiatrist's office:
"Time wounds all heels."
**************************
On a Septic Tank Truck:
Yesterday's Meals on Wheels
**************************
At an Optometrist's Office:
"If you don't see what you're looking for, you've come to the right place."
**************************
On a Plumber's truck:
"We repair what your husband fixed."
**************************
On another Plumber's truck:
"Don't sleep with a drip. Call your plumber."
**************************
At a Tire Shop in Milwaukee :
"Invite us to your next blowout."
**************************
At a Towing company:
"We don't charge an arm and a leg. We want tows."
**************************
On an Electrician's truck:
"Let us remove your shorts."
**************************
In a Non-smoking Area:
"If we see smoke, we will assume you are on fire and take appropriate action."
**************************
On a Maternity Room door:
"Push. Push. Push."
**************************
At a Car Dealership:
"The best way to get back on your feet -miss a car payment."
**************************
Outside a Muffler Shop:
"No appointment necessary. We hear you coming."
**************************
In a Veterinarian's waiting room:
"Be back in 5 minutes. Sit! Stay!"
**************************
At the Electric Company
"We would be delighted if you send in your payment.
However, if you don't, you will be."
**************************
In a Restaurant window:
"Don't stand there and be hungry; come on in and get fed up."
**************************
In the front yard of a Funeral Home:
"Drive carefully. We'll wait."
**************************
At a Propane Filling Station:
"Thank heaven for little grills."
**************************
And don't forget the sign at a CHICAGO RADIATOR SHOP:
"Best place in town to take a leak."
**************************
And the best one for last............
Sign on the back of another Septic Tank Truck :
"Caution - This Truck is full of Political Promises"

[HUSKER55]

those were all good but the last one.....

[horses4courses]

[HUSKER55]

[Steve 'StatMan']

Originally Posted by horses4courses

"I get No Respect I tell ya!"

[sammy the sage]

...........................
Little Johnny and Suzy have nothing to do one day while in the house playing. All of a sudden, Johnny gets this great idea. "Let's take turns sliding down the banister rail!" he suggests.

"Oh no," answers Suzy, "That is way too scary."

"No, it is not," says Johnny, "it will be fun!" He proceeds to the top of the stairs. The banister rail is long and very smooth with a beautiful big marble ball at its base. Johnny climbs on and down he goes, squealing with excitement as he goes. He jumps off just before he gets to the marble ball at the bottom. "That was great," he says. "Come on, you try now."

Suzy still is not quite sure that this is such a good idea. "No," she says, "It looks too scary."

"No, it is not," said Johnny, and away he goes again to the top of the stairs. He climbs on and down he goes again, having just as much fun as he did the first time. He jumps off just before the marble ball at the bottom. "You gotta try this, it is the best!" urges Johnny.

Well, little Suzy is not one to stay scared for very long and this really does look like fun, so she agrees. To the top of the stairs she goes. She straddles the banister rail, and slowly lets go with her hands.

Down she goes, a lot faster than she expected. WHAM! Right into the marble ball at the bottom.

Little Suzy starts to cry and almost falls off the banister rail.

When Johnny sees her so upset, crying ever harder and holding her groin where she collided with the marble ball, he gets a little scared that maybe she has really hurt herself.

"Maybe you had better let me see," suggests Little Johnny.

So Suzy lifts her little dress and pulls down her panties.

Little Johnny's face goes pale white. "OH, NO!" he shouts. "This is horrible! You knocked it right off!"

.................................................. .................................................. .......

Once upon a time there lived a beautiful Queen with queenly large breasts.

Nick the Dragon Slayer obsessed over the Queen for this reason. He knew that the penalty for his desire would be death should he try to touch them, but he had to try.


One day Nick revealed his secret desire to his colleague, Horatio the Physician, the King's chief doctor. Horatio thought about this and said that he could arrange for Nick to more than satisfy his desire, but it would cost him 1000 gold coins to arrange it.

Without pause, Nick readily agreed to the scheme.

The next day, Horatio made a batch of itching
powder and poured a little bit into the Queen's bra while she bathed. Soon after she dressed, the itching commenced and grew intense. Upon being summoned to the Royal Chambers to address this incident, Horatio informed the King and Queen that only a special saliva, if applied for four hours, would cure this type of itch, and that tests had shown that, among all of the citizens of the kingdom, only the saliva of Nick would work as the antidote to cure the itch.

The King, eager to help his Queen, quickly summoned Nick to their chambers... Horatio then slipped Nick the antidote for the itching
powder, which he put into his mouth, and for the next four hours, Nick worked passionately on the Queen's large and magnificent breasts.
The Queen's itching was eventually relieved, and Nick left satisfied and was hailed by both the King and Queen as a hero.

Upon returning to his chamber, Nick found Horatio demanding his payment of 1000 gold coins. With his obsession now satisfied, Nick couldn't have cared less knowing that Horatio could never report this matter to the King and with a laugh told him to get lost.

The next day, Horatio slipped a massive dose of the same itching powder into the King's underwear. The King immediately summoned Nick . . ......

[myhorse1]

Windows vs Ford

For all of us who
feel only the deepest love and affection for the way computers have
enhanced our lives, read on.

At a recent computer expo
(COMDEX), Bill Gates reportedly compared the computer industry with
the auto industry and stated,

"If Ford had kept up with technology
like the computer industry has, we would all be driving $25 cars
that got 1,000 miles to the gallon."

In response to Bill's comments,
Ford issued a press release stating:

If Ford had developed technology like
Microsoft, we would all be driving cars with the following
characteristics (and I just love this part):


1. For no reason
whatsoever, your car would crash.........twice a day.

2.. Every time they repainted the lines
in the road, you would have to buy a new car.

3... Occasionally
your car would die on the freeway for no reason. You would have to
pull to the side of the road, close all of the windows, shut off the
car, restart it, and reopen the windows before you could
continue.
For some reason you would simply
accept this.

4.... Occasionally, executing a
maneuver such as a left turn would cause your car to shut down and
refuse to restart, in which case you would have to reinstall
the engine.

5..... Macintosh would make a car
that was powered by the sun, was reliable, five times as fast and
twice as easy to drive - but would run on only five percent of the
roads.

6...... The oil, water temperature, and
alternator warning lights would all be replaced by a single "This
Car Has Performed An Illegal Operation"
warning light.

7.......
The airbag system would ask, "Are you
sure?" before deploying.

8........ Occasionally, for no
reason whatsoever, your car would lock you out and refuse to let you
in until you simultaneously lifted the door handle, turned the key
and grabbed hold of the radio antenna.

9......... Every time a new car
was introduced car buyers would have to learn how to drive all
over again because none of the controls would operate in the same
manner as the old car.

10.......... You'd have to press
the "Start" button to turn the engine off.

11.......When all else fails, you could
call "customer service" in some foreign country and be instructed in
some foreign language how to fix your car yourself!!!!
Please
share this with your friends who love -
but
sometimes hate - their computer!

[HUSKER55]

I have no idea why I am laughing. The car was cheaper than windows and all of MS baloney!