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06-08-2019, 04:10 PM
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#1456
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The Voice of Reason!
Join Date: Mar 2001
Location: Canandaigua, New york
Posts: 112,860
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I THOUGHT GETTING OLDER WOULD TAKE LONGER.
* A WISE MAN ONCE SAID - - NOTHING.
* RESPECT YOUR ELDERS; THEY GRADUATED SCHOOL WITHOUT THE INTERNET.
* I'VE DECIDED I'M NOT OLD; I'M 25 PLUS SHIPPING AND HANDLING.
* WHY DO I HAVE TO PRESS "1" FOR ENGLISH? DID AMERICA MOVE?
* WE HAVE ENOUGH GUN CONTROL; WHAT WE NEED IS IDIOT CONTROL.
* LET'S STOP SENDING MONEY TO OTHER COUNTRIES AND LET THEM HATE US FOR FREE.
* VEGETARIAN: ANCIENT TRIBAL NAME FOR THE VILLAGE IDIOT WHO CAN’T HUNT, FISH, OR LIGHT FIRES!
* I LOOK AT PEOPLE AND SOMETIMES THINK..."REALLY? THAT'S THE SPERM THAT WON?"
* CAMPING: WHERE YOU SPEND A SMALL FORTUNE TO LIVE LIKE A HOMELESS PERSON.
__________________
Who does the Racing Form Detective like in this one?
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06-08-2019, 04:28 PM
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#1457
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The Voice of Reason!
Join Date: Mar 2001
Location: Canandaigua, New york
Posts: 112,860
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Pierre went to the Riviera for vacation.
He bought a brand new speed and thought that would get him some ladies' attention.
He told his friend Jean his plan, and Jean had an idea.
"Get a potato, and lip it into your speedo. The girls will follow you home."
That night, Pierre came back to the hotel and Jean asked,"How did it go today?"
"Terrible day: replied Pierre. "Not one girl would talk to me. Maybe I need a bigger potato."
"Maybe you need to put the potato in the FRONT of your speedo!"
__________________
Who does the Racing Form Detective like in this one?
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06-10-2019, 06:49 PM
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#1458
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Registered User
Join Date: Jul 2004
Location: west view, pa. now Lancaster, Ca.
Posts: 3,382
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A dude walks in a restaurant and is greeted by the server as the server hand him the menu he says he has a gift all what he needs is a spoon and a fork from the kitchen and he can tell the food that is being cooked and ask for it, the server brings him a fork and a spoon,he smells the fork and then the spoon and says
- pork on green sauce and chicken noodle soup I want the pork
The server surprised bring him the food
- a week later he comes back again and ask for the spoon and for no menu
- today you have chicken on peanut sauce ,Chile rellenos and flan for dessert I want the Chile rellenos
The server surprised goes and tell the kitchen crew about the dude guessing the food by smelling the fork and spoon
A week later he shows up again and ask for the for the fork and spoon , the server goes to the kitchen and tell the crew the dude was here again
The chef calls Maria one of his cooks and tells her to rub the spoon and fork between her legs and then send the server with it and hand him the spoon and fork
- he smell the fork ,smells the spoon , smells the fork again and the spoon and says s**t I didn’t know Maria works here 
__________________
Buy Sam a drink and get His dog one Too--->mlang
and now in Lancaster, CA.
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06-14-2019, 11:41 PM
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#1459
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gelding
Join Date: Oct 2008
Posts: 8,883
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06-16-2019, 02:52 PM
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#1460
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Registered User
Join Date: Dec 2018
Posts: 7
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Quote:
Originally Posted by FantasticDan
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woow, at first I did not believe that these real
__________________
What would you do if you were not afraid?
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06-16-2019, 06:06 PM
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#1461
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The Voice of Reason!
Join Date: Mar 2001
Location: Canandaigua, New york
Posts: 112,860
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Little Johnny took a test on Roman Numerals in school.
He got a C on it.
Wen he got home from school, his Mother asked," How di you do on your test today?"
"Great, Mom. I got 100!"
__________________
Who does the Racing Form Detective like in this one?
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06-18-2019, 08:36 PM
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#1462
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The Voice of Reason!
Join Date: Mar 2001
Location: Canandaigua, New york
Posts: 112,860
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What do you call a guy who is half Irish and half Mexican?
A Leprechauno
__________________
Who does the Racing Form Detective like in this one?
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06-19-2019, 07:52 PM
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#1463
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Registered User
Join Date: Mar 2010
Posts: 1,438
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How is a big girl and a moped alike? They are both fun to ride until your friends see you on one! This is an old joke obviously!!
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06-30-2019, 04:56 PM
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#1464
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Librocubicularist
Join Date: Jun 2010
Location: Ohio
Posts: 10,466
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Doctor: Your daughter asked me for birth control pills.
Parent: Did you give them to her?
Doctor: Of course not. I gave her a placebo.
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Sapere aude
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07-01-2019, 04:55 PM
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#1465
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The Voice of Reason!
Join Date: Mar 2001
Location: Canandaigua, New york
Posts: 112,860
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A guy asked his girlfriend if she wold up to some role-playing. When she agreed, he suggested they play out a nurse fantasy.
So she made him wait in the living room for two hours.
__________________
Who does the Racing Form Detective like in this one?
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07-11-2019, 04:01 PM
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#1466
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Registered User
Join Date: Jan 2006
Posts: 28,549
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__________________
Live to play another day.
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07-11-2019, 09:28 PM
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#1467
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Registered User
Join Date: Mar 2010
Posts: 1,438
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Quote:
Originally Posted by thaskalos
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Thask, very funny.....my wife is German and this used to be how we were talking!! I understand her now! I always thought I was sinking......but she wanted to know what I was thinking!!! Made me laugh.
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07-18-2019, 05:32 PM
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#1468
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Registered User
Join Date: Jul 2004
Location: west view, pa. now Lancaster, Ca.
Posts: 3,382
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from Titanic the movie last deleted scene as they are in the water.
jack: Knock Knock
Rose: whose there?
Jack: canoe.
Rose: canoe who?
Jack: canoe move your butt over and let me on!
__________________
Buy Sam a drink and get His dog one Too--->mlang
and now in Lancaster, CA.
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07-18-2019, 06:55 PM
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#1469
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Registered User
Join Date: Jul 2004
Location: west view, pa. now Lancaster, Ca.
Posts: 3,382
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An old man goes to the Wizard to ask him if he can remove a curse he has been living with for the last 40 years.
The Wizard says, "Maybe, but you will have to tell me the exact words that were used to put the curse on you".
The old man says without hesitation, "I now pronounce you man and wife"
__________________
Buy Sam a drink and get His dog one Too--->mlang
and now in Lancaster, CA.
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07-20-2019, 05:15 PM
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#1470
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Registered User
Join Date: Jul 2004
Location: west view, pa. now Lancaster, Ca.
Posts: 3,382
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2 vicars used to pass each other on their cycles on the way to their parishes every Sunday.
One Sunday, one of the vicars was walking.
"What's happened to your bike?" asked the other.
"I'm not entirely sure, but I fear it may have been stolen" came the reply.
The vicar on the cycle said "Something similar happened to me and I used the 10 Commandments in my sermon with special emphasis on 'thou shalt not steal' and 2 days later the item reappeared.
The next Sunday they passed each other on cycles and one said to the other "I see you have your bike back then".
The other said "I gave a thunderous 10 Commandment sermon as you suggested and when I got to 'thou shalt not commit adultery' I remembered where I'd left it"
__________________
Buy Sam a drink and get His dog one Too--->mlang
and now in Lancaster, CA.
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