HUMOR

[dartman51]

1. I think part of a best friend's job should be to immediately clear your computer history if you die.

2. Nothing sucks more than that moment during an argument when you realize you're wrong.

3. I totally take back all those times I didn't want to nap
when I was younger.

4. There is great need for a sarcasm font.

5. How the hell are you supposed to fold a fitted sheet?

6. Was learning cursive really necessary?

7. Map Quest really needs to start their directions on # 5.
I'm pretty sure I know how to get out of my neighborhood.

8. Obituaries would be a lot more interesting if they told you how the person died.

9. I can't remember the last time I wasn't at least kind of tired.

10. Bad decisions make good stories.

11. You never know when it will strike, but there comes a moment at work when you know that you just aren't going to do anything productive for the rest of the day.

12. Can we all just agree to ignore whatever comes after Blue Ray? I don't want to have to restart my collection, again.

13. I'm always slightly terrified when I exit out of Word and it asks me if I want to save any changes to my ten-page technical report that I swear I did not make any changes to.

14. I keep some people's phone numbers in my phone just so I know not to answer when they call.

15. I think the freezer deserves a light as well.

16. I disagree with Kay Jewelers. I would bet on any given Friday or Saturday night more kisses begin with Miller Lite than Kay.

17. I wish Google Maps had an "Avoid Ghetto" routing option.

18. I have a hard time deciphering the fine line between boredom and hunger.

19. How many times is it appropriate to say "What?" before you just nod and smile because you still didn't hear or understand a word they said?

20. I love the sense of camaraderie when an entire line of cars team up to prevent a jerk from cutting in at the front. Stay strong, brothers and sisters!

21. Shirts get dirty. Underwear gets dirty. Pants? Pants never get dirty, and you can wear them forever.

22. Sometimes I'll look down at my watch 3 consecutive times and still not know what time it is.

23. Even under ideal conditions people have trouble locating their car keys in a pocket, finding their cell phone, and Pinning the Tail on the Donkey - but I'd bet everyone can find and push the snooze button from 3 feet away, in about 1 .7 seconds, eyes closed, first time, every time.

24. The first testicular guard, the "Cup," was used in Hockey in 1874 and the first helmet was used in 1974. That means it only took 100 years for men to realize that their brain is also important.

Ladies.....Quit Laughing.

[myhorse1]

Subject: Not all seniors are senile.

An older, white haired man walked into a jewelry store one Friday
> evening with a beautiful young gal at his side. He told the jeweler
> he was looking for a special ring for his girlfriend. The jeweler
> looked through his stock and brought out a $5,000 ring. The old man
> said, 'No, I'd like to see something more special.'
>
> At that statement, the jeweler went to his special stock and
> brought another ring over. 'Here's a stunning ring at only $40,000'
> the jeweler said. The young lady's eyes sparkled and her whole body
> trembled with excitement.
>
> The old man seeing this said, 'We'll take it.'
>
> The jeweler asked how payment would be made and the old man stated,
> 'By check. I know you need to make sure my check is good, so I'll
> write it now and you can call the bank Monday to verify the funds
> and I'll pick the ring up Monday afternoon,' he said.
>
> Monday morning, the jeweler phoned the old man. 'There's no money
> in that account.' 'I know,' said the old man, 'But let me tell you
> about my weekend!'

[HUSKER55]

[Rwahi1]

An aging gentleman in the hospital refused to eat a bowl of jello. He told the nurse, "I'm not going to eat anything that's more nervous than I am."

[sammy the sage]

A man and his wife have gone to bed. After laying there a few minutes the man farts and says, "Seven Points."

His wife rolls over and says, "What in the world was that?"

The man replied, "It's fart football... I just scored."

A few minutes later the wife lets one go and says, "Touchdown, tie score."

After about five minutes the old man farts again and says, "Touchdown, I'm ahead 14 to 7."

Not to be out done the wife rips another one and says, "Touchdown, tie score."

Five seconds go by and she lets out a squeaker and says, "Field goal, I lead 17 to 14."

Now the pressure's on and the old man refuses to get beat by a woman so he strains real hard but to no avail.

Realizing a defeat is totally unacceptable, he gives it everything he has, but instead of farting, he poops the bed.

The wife looks and says, "What the heck was that?"

The man replied, "Half-time, Time To Switch Sides."

[Rwahi1]

An elderly Italian man who lived on the outskirts of Monte Casino went to the local church for confession. When the priest slid open the panel in the confessional, the man said, "Father, during World War II, a beautiful woman knocked on my door and asked me to hide her from the enemy. So I hid her in my attic."

The priest replied, "That was a wonderful thing you did, my son! And you have no need to confess that." "It's worse than that, father. She started to repay me with sexual favors."

The priest said, "By doing that, you were both in great danger. However, two people under those circumstances can be very tempted to act that way. But if you are truly sorry for your actions, you are indeed forgiven."

"Thank you, Father. That's a great load off my mind. But I do have one more question ."

"And what is that?" asked the priest.

"Should I tell her the war is over?"

[jdhanover]

Apologies if posted earlier:

Last week was my birthday and I didn’t feel very well waking up on that morning.I went downstairs for breakfast hoping my wife would be pleasant and say, “Happy Birthday!”, and possibly have a small present for me.

As it turned out, she barely said good morning, let alone “Happy Birthday.”I thought… Well, that’s marriage for you, but the kids… They will remember.My kids came bounding down stairs to breakfast and didn’t say a word. So when I left for the office, I felt pretty low and somewhat despondent.

As I walked into my office, my secretary Jane said, “Good Morning Boss, and by the way Happy Birthday!”

It felt a little better ...that at least someone had remembered. I worked until one o’clock, when Jane knocked on my door and said, “You know, It’s such a beautiful day outside, and it is your Birthday, what do you say we go out to lunch, just you and me.”

I said, “Thanks, Jane, that’s the greatest thing I’ve heard all day. Let’s go !”

We went to lunch.. But we didn’t go where we normally would go. She chose instead at a quiet bistro with a private table. We had two martinis each and I enjoyed the meal tremendously.
On the way back to the office, Jane said, “You know, It’s such a beautiful day… We don’t need to go straight back to the office, Do We?”

I responded, “I guess not. What do you have in mind ?” She said, “Let’s drop by my apartment, it’s just around the corner.”

After arriving at her apartment, Jane turned to me and said, “Boss, if you don’t mind, I’m going to change into something more comfortable. I’ll be right back.”

“Ok.” I nervously replied.

She went into the bedroom and, after a couple of minutes, she came out carrying a huge birthday cake … Followed by my wife, my kids, and dozens of my friends and co-workers, all singing “Happy Birthday”.

And I just sat there.

On the couch.

Naked.

[Rwahi1]

Dude! that was funny.

[sammy the sage]

CAJUN PREGNANCY

Way down in Louisiana ,
Boudreaux's old lady had been pregnant
For some time and now the time had come.

So he brought her to the doctor
And the doctor began to deliver the baby.

She had a little boy
And the doctor looked over at Boudreaux and said, "Hey, Boudreaux, you just had you-sef a son!
Ain't dat grand!"

Boudreaux got excited by dis,
But just then the doctor spoke up and said,
"Hold on! We ain't finished yet!"

The doctor then delivered a little girl.
He said, "Hey, Boudreaux,
You got you-sef a daughter too!
She a pretty lil ting."

Boudreaux got kind of puzzled by this
And then the doctor said,
"Hold on, we still ain't got done yet!"

The doctor then delivered another boy and said, "Boudreaux, you just had you-sef another boy!"

When Boudreaux and his wife went home
With their 3 children,
He sat down with his wife and said,
"Mama, you remember dat night
What we run out of Vaseline
And we had to use dat tree-in-one Oil?"

His wife said, "Yeah, I do!"

Boudreaux said,
"Man, it's a damn good ting
We didn't use dat WD-Forty, no?"

[Zydeco]

The three questions a cajun will ask of a girl when he starts dating her:
1. Who's your mama?
2.Are you Catholic?
and Can you make a roux??? lol

[ldiatone]

Originally Posted by Zydeco

The three questions a cajun will ask of a girl when he starts dating her:
1. Who's your mama?
2.Are you Catholic?
and Can you make a roux??? lol

can you make a roux

[jerry-g]

It only takes one senior to change a light bulb. But it takes him all day.

[Trijack]

Senior Texting

An elderly couple had just learned how to send text messages on their cell
phones.

The wife was a romantic type and the husband was more of a no-nonsense guy.

One afternoon the wife went out to meet a friend for coffee.

She decided to send her husband a romantic text message and she wrote:
"If you are sleeping, send me your dreams. If you are laughing, send me your
smile. If you are eating, send me a bite. If you are drinking, send me a
sip. If you are crying, send me your tears. I love you."

The husband texted back to her: "I'm on the toilet. Please advise.”

[sammy the sage]

The Female Demerit System

In the world of romance, one single rule applies: Make the woman happy. Do something she likes and you get points. Do something she dislikes and points are subtracted. You don't get any points for doing something she expects. Sorry, that's the way the game is played.

Here is a guide to the point system:

SIMPLE DUTIES:
You make the bed (+1)
You make the bed, but forget the decorative pillow (0)
You throw the bedspread over rumpled sheets (-1)
You go out to buy her what she wants (+5) in the rain (+8)...
... but return with Beer (-5)
You check out a suspicious noise at night (+1)
You check out a suspicious noise, and it is nothing (0)
You check out a suspicious noise and it is something (+5)
You pummel it with an iron rod (+10)
It's her pet (-50)

SOCIAL ENGAGEMENTS:
You stay by her side the entire party (0)
You stay by her side for a while, then leave to chat with an old school friend (-2)
Named Tina (-10)
Tina is a dancer (-20)
Tina has silicone implants (-80)

HER BIRTHDAY:
You take her out to dinner (+2)
You take her out to dinner and it's not a sports bar (+3)
Okay, it's a sports bar (-2)
And it's all-you-can-eat night (-3)
It's a sports bar, it's all-you-can-eat night, and your face is painted the colors of your favorite team (-10)

A NIGHT OUT:
You take her to a movie (+1)
You take her to a movie she likes (+3)
You take her to a movie you hate (+6)
You take her to a movie you like (-2)
It's called 'Death Cop' (-3)
You lied and said it was a foreign film about orphans (-15)

YOUR PHYSIQUE:
You develop a noticeable potbelly (-15)
You develop a noticeable potbelly and exercise to get rid of it (+10)
You develop a noticeable potbelly and resort to baggy jeans and baggy Hawaiian shirts (-30)
You say, "It doesn't matter, you have one too." (-8000)

THE BIG QUESTION:
She asks, "Do I look fat?" (-5) (Yes, you lose points no matter what)
You hesitate in responding (-10)
You reply, "Where?" (-35)
Any other response (-20)

COMMUNICATION:
When she wants to talk about a problem, you listen, displaying what looks like a concerned expression (0)
You listen, for over 30 minutes (+50)
You listen for more than 30 minutes without looking at the TV (+500)
She realizes this is because you have fallen asleep (-4000)

[HUSKER55]

I have no idea why I am laughing because it is true!