HUMOR

[Rwahi1]

1. I can't reach my license unless you hold my beer.
2. Sorry, I didn't realize that my radar detector wasn't on.
3. Aren't you the guy from the village people?
4. Hey you must have been going 125mph just to keep up with me.
5. I thought you had to be in good physical condition to be a cop.
6. Bad cop! No donut!
7. You're gonna check the trunk, aren't you?
8. I was going to be a cop, really, but I decided to finish high school.
9. I pay your salary.
10. That's terrific, the last guy only gave me a warning also.
11. Is that a 9mm? It's nothing compared to this .44 magnum!
12. What do you mean, have I been drinking? You're a trained specialist.
13. Do you know why you pulled me over? Good, at least one of us does.
14. By the looks of that gut, I bet I can outrun you.
15. Didn't I see you get your butt kicked on Cops?
16. Is it true people become cops because they are too dumb to work at McDonalds?
17. I was trying to keep up with traffic.
18. Yes, I know there are no other cars around—that's how far they are ahead of me.
19. Well, when I reached down to pick up my bag of crack, my gun fell off my lap and got lodged between the brake pedal and gas pedal, forcing me to speed out of control.

[sammy the sage]

Florida


A Florida senior citizen drove his brand new Corvette convertible out of the dealership. Taking off down the road, he pushed it to 80 mph, enjoying the wind blowing through what little hair he had left.
"Amazing," he thought as he flew down I-95, pushing the pedal even more.

Looking in his rear view mirror, he saw a Florida State Trooper, blue lights flashing and siren blaring. He floored it to 100 mph, then 110, then 120. Suddenly he thought, "What am I doing? I'm too old for this!"
and pulled over to await the trooper's arrival.

Pulling in behind him, the trooper got out of his vehicle and walked up to the Corvette. He looked at his watch, then said, "Sir, my shift ends in 30 minut es. Today is Friday. If you can give me a new reason
for speeding--a reason I've never before heard -- I'll let you go."

The old gentleman paused then said: "Three years ago, my wife ran off with a Florida State Trooper. I thought you were bringing her back.

"Have a good day, Sir," replied the trooper.

Georgia

The owner of a golf course in Georgia was confused about paying an invoice, so he decided to ask his secretary for some mathematical help.

He called her into his office and said, "Y'all graduated from theUniversity of Georgia and I need some help. If I wuz to give yew $20,000, minus 14%, how much would you take off?"

The secretary thought a moment, and then replied, "Everthang but my earrings."



Louisiana

A senior citizen in Louisiana was overheard saying ... "When the end of the world comes, I hope to be in Louisiana ."

When asked why, he replied, "I'd rather be in Louisiana 'cause everythang happens in Louisiana 20 years later than in the rest of the world."

Mississippi

The young man from Mississippi came running into the store and said to his buddy, "Bubba, somebody just stole your pickup truck from the parking lot!"

Bubba replied, "Did y'all see who it was?"

The young man answered, "I couldn't tell, but I got the license number."

North Carolina

A man in North Carolina had a flat tire, pulled off on the side of the road, and proceeded to put a bouquet of flowers in front of the car and one behind it. Then he got back in the car to wait.

A passerby studied the scene as he drove by, and was so curious he turned around and went back. He asked the fellow what the problem was.

The man replied, "I got a flat tahr."

The passerby asked, "But what's with the flowers?"

The man responded, "When you break down they tell you to put flares in the front and flares in the back. I never did understand it neither."


Tennessee

A Tennessee State trooper pulled over a pickup on I-65. The trooper asked, "Got any ID?"

The driver replied, "Bout whut?"

Texas

The Sheriff pulled up next to the guy unloading garbage out of his pick-up into the ditch. The Sheriff asked, "Why are you dumping garbage in the ditch? Don't you see that sign right over your head."

"Yep," he replied. "That's why I'm dumpin' it here, 'cause it says: 'Fine For Dumping Garbage.' "

***

Y'all kin say whut y'all want 'about the South,
but y'all never heard o' nobody retirin' an' movin' North.

[Steve 'StatMan']

Another good ole boy who was a father took his 13 year old daughter to the doctor. Doctors asks the reason for the visit.

Father: "We're here to get her birth control pills".

Doctor: "Wait a minute! You don't mean to tell me this girl is sexually active?"

Father: "Nah, she ain't sexually active. She just lays there like her momma."

[Rwahi1]

Q: What did the gangster's son tell his dad when he failed his
examination?
A: Dad they questioned me for 3 hours but I never told them anything."

[HUSKER55]

OK GUYS AND GALS,


GOOD ONES!

AND IT IS ONLY MONDAY!

[Longshot6977]

Son: "Dad, I'm thinking of joining an organized crime syndicate"

Dad: "Government or private sector?"

[Rwahi1]

Oh boy what a rough night I had!...Never, under any circumstances, take a sleeping pill and a laxative on the same night.

[Rwahi1]

There was an old priest who got sick of all the people in his parish confessing to adultery.
One Sunday, in the pulpit, he said, "If I hear one more person confess to adultery, I'll quit!"

Well, everyone liked him, so they came up with a code word. Someone who had committed adultery would say instead that they had 'fallen.'

This seemed to satisfy the old priest and things went well until the priest passed away at a ripe old age.

A few days after the new priest arrived, he visited the mayor of the town and seemed very concerned.

"Mayor, you have to do something about the sidewalks in town. When people come into the confessional, they keep telling me they've fallen."

The mayor started to laugh, realizing that no one had told the new priest about the code word. But, before he could explain, the priest shook an accusing finger at him and shouted, "I don't know what you're laughing about, because your wife has fallen three times this week!"

[sammy the sage]

The Country Minister

As a young minister, I was asked by a funeral director to hold a grave-side service for a homeless man, with no family or friends, who had died while traveling through the area. The funeral was to be held at a cemetery way back in the country. This man would be the first to be laid to rest there.

I was not familiar with the backwoods area, and I became lost. Being a typical man, I did not stop for directions. I finally arrived an hour late.

I saw the backhoe first, then spotted the crew eating lunch. The hearse was nowhere in sight. I apologized to the workers for my tardiness, and stepped to the side of the open grave where I saw the vault lid already in place.

I assured the workers I would not hold them long, but it was proper to offer an eulogy. The workers gathered around, their sandwiches in hand. I poured out my heart and soul.

As I preached the workers began to say “Amen,” “Praise the Lord” and “Glory.” I preached and preached like I’d never preached before, from Genesis all the way to Revelations. I closed the lengthy service with a prayer and walked to my car. I felt I had done my duty for the homeless man and that the crew would leave with a renewed sense of purpose and dedication, in spite of my tardiness.

As I was opening the car door and taking off my coat, I overheard one of the workers saying to another, “I ain’t never seen anything like this before . . . .

. . . . and I’ve been putting in septic tanks for 20 years!”

[sammy the sage]

A guy goes to a female dentist to have a tooth extracted. She pulled out a large syringe to give an anaesthetic shot.

"No way, no needles! I hate needles!" the man exclaimed.

So she started to hook up the nitrous oxide tank, and the man said, "I can't do the gas thing. Just the thought of having a mask on my face suffocates me!

The dentist then asked the patient if he had any objections to taking a pill. "No," he says, "I'm fine with pills."

So the dentist gave him two little blue pills and he swallowed them. "What are those?" he asked.

"Viagra," she replied.

"I'll be damned," said the patient, "I didn't know Viagra worked as a pain killer."

"It doesn't," said the dentist, "But it will give you something to hold on to when I pull your tooth.

[Rwahi1]

A little boy asked his father, "Daddy, how much does it cost to get married?" Father replied, "I don't know son, I'm still paying.

[Longshot6977]

When I was ready to check out and pay for my groceries the cashier said, "Strip down, facing me."
Making a mental note so I could complain to my local Assemblyman about this running amok security rubbish, I did just as she had instructed.
After the shrieking and hysterical remarks finally subsided, I found out that she was referring to how I should position my credit card.

Nonetheless, I've been asked to shop elsewhere in the future.

[jerry-g]

Alcohol Testers

Test

[jerry-g]

We all know those cute little computer symbols called 'emoticons,' where:
means a smile and
is a frown.
Sometimes these are represented by

:-)

:-(

Well, how about some 'ASSICONS?'
Here goes:

(_!_) a regular ass


(__!__) a fat ass

(!) a tight ass

(_*_) an ass hole

{_!_} a swishy ass

(_o_) an ass that's been around
(_x_) kiss my ass

(_X_) leave my ass alone

(_zzz_) a tired ass

(_E=mc2_) a smart ass

(_$_) Money coming out of his ass

(_?_) Dumb Ass
You have just been e-mooned!

[sammy the sage]

Scientists at CERN in Geneva have announced the discovery of the heaviest element yet known to science.

The new element is Governmentium (Gv). It has one neutron, 25 assistant neutrons, 88 deputy neutrons and 198 assistant deputy neutrons, giving it an atomic mass of 312.

These 312 particles are held together by forces called morons, which are surrounded by vast quantities of lefton-like particles called peons.
Since Governmentium has no electrons or protons, it is inert. However, it can be detected, because it impedes every reaction with which it comes into contact.
A tiny amount of Governmentium can cause a reaction normally taking less than a second to take from four days to four years to complete.
Governmentium has a normal half-life of 2- 6 years. It does not decay but instead undergoes a reorganization in which a portion of the assistant neutrons and deputy neutrons exchange places.
In fact, Governmentium's mass will actually increase over time, since each reorganization will cause more morons to become neutrons, forming isodopes.
This characteristic of moron promotion leads some scientists to believe that Governmentium is formed whenever morons reach a critical concentration. This hypothetical quantity is referred to as critical morass.

When catalyzed with money, Governmentium becomes Administratium, an element that radiates just as much energy as Governmentium since it has half as many peons but twice as many morons. All of the money is consumed in the exchange, and no other by-products are produced.

Further news of radioactive decay of Governmentium with possible explosive effects is expected