HUMOR

[HUSKER55]

Q. How much do they charge to put an ear ring in a pirate?

A. A Buccaneer

Q. What did Ben Franklin say after he invented electricity?

A. Nothing...he was in shock



yeh...I know.....grand kids came over...

[Rwahi1]

Little April was not the best student in Sunday school. Usually she slept through the class. One day the teacher called on her while she was napping, "Tell me, April, who created the universe?" When April didn't stir, little Johnny, a boy seated in the chair behind her, took a pin and jabbed her in the rear. "GOD ALMIGHTY!" shouted April and the teacher said, "Very good" and April fell back asleep. A while later the teacher asked April, "Who is our Lord and Saviour," But, April didn't even stir from her slumber. Once again, Johnny came to the rescue and stuck her again. 'JESUS CHRIST!" shouted April and the teacher said, "very good," and April fell back to sleep. Then the teacher asked April a third question. "What did Eve say to Adam after she had her twenty-third child?" And again, Johnny jabbed her with the pin. This time April jumped up and shouted, "IF YOU STICK THAT F*****G THING IN ME ONE MORE TIME, I'LL BREAK IT IN HALF AND STICK IT UP YOUR ARSE!" The Teacher fainted.

[magwell]

A beautiful fairy appeared one day to a destitute Mexican refugee outside an Arizona immigration office.

"Good man," the fairy said, "I've been sent here by President Obama and told to grant you three wishes, since you just arrived in the United States with your wife and eight children."
The man told the fairy, "Well, where I come from we don't have good teeth, so I want new teeth, maybe a lot of gold in them."

The fairy looked at the man's almost toothless grin and -- PING !-- he had a brand new shining set of gold teeth in his mouth!

"What else?" asked the fairy, "Two more to go."

The refugee claimant now got bolder. "I need a big house with big three-car garage in Annapolis on the water with eight bedrooms for my family and the rest of my relatives who still live in my country.. I want to bring them all over here" --- and PING-- in the distance there could be seen a beautiful mansion with a three-car garage, a long driveway, and a walkout patio with a BBQ in an upscale neighborhood overlooking the bay.

"One more wish," said the fairy, waving her wand.

"Yes, one more wish. I want to be like an American with American clothes instead of these torn clothes, and a baseball cap instead of this sombrero. ---and --- PING -- The man was instantly transformed - wearing worn-out jeans, a Pittsburgh Pirate T-shirt, and a baseball cap. He had his bad teeth back and the mansion had disappeared from the horizon.

"What happened to my new teeth?" he wailed. "Where is my new house?"


The fairy said:
"Tough shit, Amigo, now that you are a American, you have to fend for yourself."

[Tom]

A Father calls his son into the house and asks him, "Johnny, did you push the outhouse into pond?"

"No Dad," said Johnny.

"Johnny, let me tell the story of George Washington.
George Washington, when he was young boy, chopped down his Father's favorite cherry tree. When his asked him if he did it, he said "Father, I cannot tell a lie. I chopped down the cherry tree."

George's father was so proud of his son't honesty, he gave him a pony, and years later, after the news of his honesty spread, George becase the first president of the United States.

"Dad," said, Johnny,"I cannot tell a lie. It was i who pushed the outhouse into the pond."

With that, the father grabbed Johnny by the ear, threw him on the floor and proceeded to beat the ever loving crap out him.

"What did yo do that for?" cried Johnny. "George Washington told the truth and his father was proud of him!"

"George Washington's father was NOT in the GD cherry tree when he chopped it down!"

[sammy the sage]

1958 Dating

You need to be able to remember the era to really enjoy this....

It was a hot Saturday evening in the summer of 1958 and Fred had a date with Peggy Sue.

He arrived at her house and rang the bell.

"Oh, come on in!" Peggy Sue's mother said as she welcomed Fred in.

"So, what are you and Peggy planning to do tonight?" she asked.

"Oh, probably catch a movie, and then maybe grab a bite to eat at the malt shop, maybe take a walk on the beach..."

"Peggy likes to screw, you know," Mom informed him.

"Is that so?" asked Fred, incredulous.

"Yes," said the mother. "As a matter of fact, she'd screw all night if we let her!"

"Well, thanks for the tip," Fred said as he began thinking about alternate plans for the evening.

"Have fun, kids," the mother said as they left.

Half an hour later, a completely disheveled Peggy Sue burst into the house and slammed the front door behind her.

"The TWIST, Mom!" she angrily yelled at her mother. "THE DAMN DANCE IS CALLED THE TWIST!!

[HUSKER55]

[ldiatone]

HEY! I resemble that pirate remark!

[Rwahi1]

Boy: "I got an F in arithmetic."
Father: "Why?"
Boy: "The teacher asked 'How much is 2×3?' and I said '6'"
Father: "But that's right!"
Boy: "Then she asked me 'How much is 3×2?'"
Father: "What's the ****ing difference?"
Boy: "That's exactly what I said!"

[Rwahi1]

A fifteen year old Amish boy and his father were in a mall.
They were amazed by almost everything they saw, but especially by two shiny, silver walls that could move apart and then slide back together again. The boy asked, "What is this Father?"
The father (never having seen an elevator) responded, "Son, I have never seen anything like this in my life, I don"t know what it is." While the boy and his father were watching with amazement, a fat old lady in a wheel chair moved up to the moving walls and pressed a button. The walls opened, and the lady rolled between them into a small room.
The walls closed, and the boy and his father watched the small numbers above the walls light up sequentially.
They continued to watch until it reached the last number, and then the numbers began to light in the reverse order.
Finally the walls opened up again and a gorgeous 24-year-old blond stepped out.
The father, not taking his eyes off the young woman, said quietly to his son...
"Go get your Mother."

[Actor]

A public school teacher was arrested today at John F. Kennedy International Airport this morning as he attempted to board a flight while in possession of a ruler, a protractor, a compass, a slide rule and a calculator. At a press conference just before noon today, Attorney General Eric Holder said he believes the man is a member of the notorious Algebra movement. Although he did not identify the man, he confirmed the man has been charged by the FBI with carry weapons of math instruction.

"Algebra is a problem for us", the Attorney General said. "They derive solutions by means of extremes, and sometimes go off on tangents in search of absolute values. They use secret code names line 'X' and 'Y' and refer to them as 'unknowns', but we have determined that they belong to a common denominator of the axis with coordinates in every country. As the Greek philosopher Isosceles used to say 'There are 3 sides to every triangle.'" The Attorney General went on to say "Teaching our children sentient thought processes and equipping them to solve problems is dangerous and puts our government at risk."

[HUSKER55]

THAT WAS GOOD!

I am going to pass that one around!

[Actor]

• Rich
• Old
• Has living will with "do not resusitate" clause

[Actor]

Q. How is a 1995 computer like a man who has had his prostate removed?

A. Both have a 3.5 inch floppy.

[DJofSD]

Two show stallions are arguing over who should take best of breed.

The first says, “I’ll grant you are the closest I have ever seen to my equal, but my legs are just a bit straighter than yours, and, you know, the legs are of prime importance: no foot, no horse!”

The second horse says, “I’ll allow your legs are just a bit better than mine, but mine are the legs I was born with and I know for a fact you had thousands of dollars of corrective work. Your foals will inherit your natural legs, not your genius farrier!”

The first horse mulls this for a moment, then says, “You’re right. I stand corrected…”

[HUSKER55]

you might be a redneck if your daughter works at your favorite topless bar and you don't feel you should give her a tip cause it is "all-in-the-family".